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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
Mlb123 · 02/11/2022 18:35

She should get the room and to do otherwise suggests that you believe your own sons needs (which are only needs if he comes back) should be paramount on the off chance he decides to move back home. I don't blame your husband for being angry x

MrsRinaDecker · 02/11/2022 18:36

When Ds1 left for uni, ds2 switched to the bigger bedroom with the double bed.. it just made sense! Ds1 was totally on board, used the ‘spare’ room the odd time he was home, and now lives with his girlfriend.
I get your situation is slightly different, but on the face of it it makes sense for the 17 year old to get the room.

ScreamingInfidelities · 02/11/2022 18:37

Christ, he’s 25! Time to cut the umbilical cord 🙄

milawops · 02/11/2022 18:37

When I was 23 I worked away for 4 months. Didn't move out, all my stuff was still there. Got home and my sister had my room and I'd been moved to the small room. She waited 2 weeks.
Give the poor girl the room. Your son moved out, it's not his anymore.

howdoyougethingsdone · 02/11/2022 18:42

You are being completely unreasonable.

What message does that send to your DH's daughter? Your son is far more important than her and his needs will always be put first?

He had the biggest room previously. Now it's her turn!

mam0918 · 02/11/2022 18:43

Is this a reverse?

I just cant see how anyone would need to ask about something so clear cut.

I left home at 16 (would have been embarassed to live at home at 25) but I went off to travel around bouncing from city to city, my parents kept my room because I think they expected me to crash and burn.

When they realised I wasnt comming home (settled with DH and child) that room quickly got repurposed, I never thought they must keep it as a shrine - I moved out lol Im suprised the kept it as long as they did.

When DS flies in a few years (possibly with a bit of a push) he will lose his room as frankly there not enough rooms as it is (our youngest sleeps in with us).

Why should your SD get the shitty end of the stick, she has been stuck in the small room for 10 YEARS.

It's her turn and frankly I would be pissed if my partner was making such shit excuses to keep my child as the 'lesser' it would probably distroy the relationship.

billy1966 · 02/11/2022 18:44

She's had years of the smaller room.

Give your head a BIG wobble.

I would be seriously pissed off if I was your husband.

Of course she should have a crack of the larger room, and the smaller room will be his, IF he needs to move back temporarily.

Your husband was not wrong to think his daughter could have the empty space that has been unused for 3 months.

Apologise quickly before he starts looking at you VERY differently.

Mlb123 · 02/11/2022 18:47

Have the rooms been decorated in a gender specific way? Such as your stepdaughters room hot pink or a teen girl theme and your son's room a bit masculine though most things would work much easier for a girl than a girly room that's got pink walls or flowers and unicorns on the walls or something would for a male. I ask because that would mean that it would potentially cost both time and effort to execute this change and that could be a contributor towards you not being on board with the change. I imagine that your step daughter would want to make changes anyway. As your son still stays over a little then I can see that you might have concerns that he could feel it was no longer like his home if he would be staying in a room that's girly, but you could make it a gender neutral space that would be fine for anyone to stay in as guests. I could be totally wrong with this but it would be less hard to understand if any of it was the case xxx

NumberTheory · 02/11/2022 18:48

Another YABU.

It’s very “Golden Child” to keep the better room aside for someone who doesn’t even live there anymore.

elephantseal · 02/11/2022 18:49

I think YABU. Your son hasn't even been living full time in his room for years and now he's actually moved out?? Give the bigger room to the dc who lives there!!

And there will be a room for your son - the small one.

AliceMcK · 02/11/2022 18:51

Why hasn’t your teenage step daughter had the room for the last 2 years given it’s only been used 2 nights a week in all that time by a grown man?

I can see your DS GF writing a few MIL threads in the coming years.

thelobsterquadrille · 02/11/2022 18:51

YABVU. I'd have suggested they switch rooms when he started staying with his girlfriend five nights a week, tbh.

What's the point in a huge room sitting empty while the 17yo who lives there full-time is stuck in a tiny room?

wordler · 02/11/2022 18:52

You are being completely unreasonable. In fact, I can't believe this room swap wasn't done months ago if your son at 25! has been staying only 2 nights at home a week.

A 17-year-old girl needs a bigger bedroom much more than a 25-year-old man!

I hope you do it graciously and help make it a lovely space for her.

Best to also turn her old room into a guest room, so there's always somewhere for your son to sleep but it's also usable for other people to come and stay.

Coconut212 · 02/11/2022 18:52

Totally unreasonable he’s 25!!! What a waste of a good sized room kept as a just in case

DoubleBuggyDriver · 02/11/2022 18:53

I read this, clicked YABU and knew the OP wouldn’t have been back with anymore posts.

Why oh why should the child (or adult?) that lives there full time remain in the smaller room just for the bigger room to stay there and not be used at all? All in case things don’t work out for your son and he comes back.

If things don’t work for him then he’ll have to move into the smaller room. YAB soooo U it’s not even funny

hookiewookie29 · 02/11/2022 18:55

My son moved out 2 years ago. He had the larger bedroom. We redecorated it and our daughter has it now. She's had the small room for 17 years, it's her turn for a bit of space now. Absolutely no point in keeping it empty 'just in case'. When he visits he sleeps in the smaller room and if he ever came back home -unlikely,but you never know-he knows he'll have the smaller room.

Alsonification · 02/11/2022 18:55

My eldest brothers bedroom was next door to the kitchen. The day after he moved out my parents knocked through the wall to extend the kitchen. He came back to get the rest of his stuff & his room was gone hahahaha. The day after I moved out my next youngest brother moved into my room. I have 4 siblings & this was basically the norm for all of us.
You are definitely being unreasonable.

MayFlower22 · 02/11/2022 18:56

This is a reverse

butterfliedtwo · 02/11/2022 18:58

If it is a reverse, it should be pulled. They should be banned.

Mlb123 · 02/11/2022 19:01

I think the fact that this is your bio son and your stepdaughter could be making it seem a certain way more so than if they had both been your bio children or both been your step children. For all anyone knows you may have lived at that home with your son before your husband and stepdaughter moved in and that would make it perfectly natural that he had the bigger room and even if not then it's actually pretty standard for the elder child in a family to get the bigger room. You've not suggested any problems with your relationship with your stepdaughter so there is no real reason to think that you are playing golden child and putting your son first arbitrarily over your step daughter , but on Mumsnet many people have had awful experiences of step families and that does make them sensitive to the potential of such things in threads where there are stepfamilies so I would hope that you can understand that and perhaps it will be addressed in your replies if not already xx

SteakExpectations · 02/11/2022 19:03

I personally think that this should have been discussed along with discussions you had with your son about him moving out, but still think it is not unreasonable for DSD to have a larger room now that her step brother has moved out, and for her room to become The Spare Room.

Also, you’re going to need some shears to cut those apron strings!

cheninblanc · 02/11/2022 19:03

Yabu the 17 year old should now have the bigger room

Sciurus83 · 02/11/2022 19:04

Oh it's you, you are definitely in the wrong here. He's 25 and doesn't love there, she's 17 and does. You're obviously having trouble letting him go, this is your issue do not take it out on your husband and DSD and their perfectly normal position. I bet they were pretty shocked to find you "angry at it even being discussed". Get your big sorrys ready!

Sciurus83 · 02/11/2022 19:04

*live there (obviously)

Mlb123 · 02/11/2022 19:06

The op hasn't been back and that leads us to wonder if they are lurking as a windup , for some kind of research project or as the responses were no good for using to get her husband to believe he is in the wrong. Annoying 🙄