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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
PurpleButterflyWings · 02/11/2022 19:37

@Met82

Of COURSE you are being unreasonable. I can't believe you even have to ask!

Why should YOUR son take priority over HIS daughter? Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship between you (to me.) Sounds like you want everything all your own way.

Travis1 · 02/11/2022 19:37

MIL…..is that you? He’s not coming back and neither is BIL.🙄

iolaus · 02/11/2022 19:38

I had the bigger bedroom when I moved out with my then boyfriend (now husband) - my brother moved in that afternoon (I think he shifted stuff while my parents were helping me unpack)

You still have a space if he wants to return

Iguanainanigloo · 02/11/2022 19:40

YABU. I moved out at 19 with my bf (now DH), and within 6 months my parents immigrated to a different country! No house, let alone bedroom for me to run back to! And guess what, I didn't begrudge them for one minute. I was an adult, and made the choice to stand on my own two feet, and I knew if things went wrong, that would be on me to sort out.

QuinkWashable · 02/11/2022 19:42

My Bed wasn't even cold before my sister moved into it. No holding rooms open just in case, guests can stay in the little room/returners get to the back of the queue

FeetupTvon · 02/11/2022 19:44

I feel sorry for your DSD.

caringcarer · 02/11/2022 19:44

You must realise you are being wholly unreasonable. Your DSD would like the bigger room. Why not let her have it decorated to her taste too. Make her feel really welcome. Your son won't care. He is to lying on his own now. You still have a room he could use as a safety net if he needed it but you should be happy he is living with partner in a happy relationship. Are you finding it hard to let your son go?

ThingsIhavelearnt · 02/11/2022 19:47

0o0o0 · 02/11/2022 16:50

I don't think it's unreasonable for your dsd to move into the bigger room.
Your son has moved out and there's room if he stays so no issues.
Maybe out of courtesy mention to your son you are letting dsd move into it as he's not there much anymore.

This

Blondewithredlips · 02/11/2022 19:50

YABU

VisitingThem · 02/11/2022 19:53

As someone who moved out and came back to the parental home 3 times in her life I think you are nuts. The people living in the house get preference and if your son moves back he will go back into the small room until a time he moves out again.

Whoputtheramintheramalamadingdong · 02/11/2022 19:55

Yes, you are being VVV unreasonable.

Swedishmeatball · 02/11/2022 19:55

Wow YABU. I went to uni at 17 and that was it - no more bedroom!

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2022 19:56

What you are actually saying is you want your ds to have his own kitchen, bedroom and bathroom in his own home and the bigger bedroom in your home whilst your dsd has a small bedroom. He had that bedroom from age 15. Your dsd is 17. It has been her turn for a few years now.

Wrinklydinkly · 02/11/2022 19:57

Are you the ,"wicked" stepmother of fairytales? Will you be keeping a candle burning in the shrine for the golden one? Unreasonable, and unkind to your dsd,who needs to stretch her legs now, in an empty uneeded larger bedroom.

Blaze3 · 02/11/2022 19:57

My youngest moved into her big sister’s room when she went to Uni, as she was at home and therefore had the most use for the space. When my eldest visited (including getting trapped due to Covid restrictions for 6 months), she stayed in the box room - Her little sister’s old room When my son goes to Uni next year, his room will be a general guest bedroom and the box room will be my WFH office. If you remove the emotions, it’s really just practical.

Blaze3 · 02/11/2022 20:02

PS - If they ever need to be at home again all at once (ie Christmas), we’ll manage with blow up mattresses etc. If they ever need to all move back in and live under this roof again, then it will be first come first served re the biggest to the smallest rooms. They know they are always welcome back, but I’m not keeping their rooms for them on the “off chance”. It rather denotes a lack of confidence in them!

cptartapp · 02/11/2022 20:06

YABU. DS1 left his large room and went off to uni. DS2 upgraded into it and DS1 now has the smaller room now when he's home.
No issues, and if your DS is decent he will have no issues with it either. Does he?

spanieleyes · 02/11/2022 20:13

My two played musical bedrooms with the largest and smallest rooms, as soon as one moved out, the other moved in! They must have swapped half a dozen times as they went back and forth to university. No way would I have kept a room for one " just in case"

AlbertaAnnie · 02/11/2022 20:18

Yes - you are being very unreasonable. Give the girl who lives there the bigger room, obviously 🙄

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 02/11/2022 20:18

My 11yo sister dismantled my bedroom the day I left for uni. After that I slept in the spare room when visiting. Why on earth should the better room be kept empty for your son?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 20:23

Wow you are so unreasonable!

I also think she should have had that room years ago. Why did he get the bigger room throughout their lives anyway?

He’s left home. Probably if he splits up with his gf he’ll move in somewhere by himself or with a friend. Even if he does come back to yours, he can take the smaller room.

She should get the bigger room now and be able to decorate it to her taste. Her current room should be a spare room that your Ds, as well as any other guest, can use if needs be.

ChristmasCwtch · 02/11/2022 20:24

Massively unreasonable

Crumpleton · 02/11/2022 20:26

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Are you more pissed off because you're DSD is moving into the room or because your DH didn't discuss it with you first?

While I think YABU I also think it wouldn't of hurt for DH to just mention it to you first then there would be no reason for him to be angry about it now.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/11/2022 20:27

You are being massively unreasonable ffs

KatieBell12 · 02/11/2022 20:32

Yep, another unreasonable. I've nothing to add that's not already been said.