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Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
Frankensteinisamonster · 02/11/2022 23:01

God how unreasonable can someone be. Set the small room up as the son shrine. No one else can understand why yoire doing this either, it’s mean and unacceptable go apologise and wind your neck in.

Livelovebehappy · 02/11/2022 23:02

Sounds like your poor DH has probably been walked over during your marriage, and that you’re very controlling. I can’t think it’s been a happy household for your DH and his daughter. It sounds like some sort of Cinderella story!

StoppinBy · 02/11/2022 23:04

Your son is 25....25! I doubt he will be back anything other than temporarily even if he did move back.

Stop being ridiculous, give your stepdaughter the bigger bedroom, she lives there, he doesn't.

WhatsitWiggle · 02/11/2022 23:05

When i left for Uni at 18, my mum moved my younger brother into "my" room - it was twice the size and he'd had the smaller room for 14 years! It was only fair he got it when he was there more than me.

Your son will still have a space, but he's 25, a fully fledged adult. He doesn't need the big room saving for him in case his relationship fails.

Schoolchoicesucks · 02/11/2022 23:09

He moved out 3 months ago. He doesn't live with you any more. He's 25. If he stopped living with his partner, he may well move into his own place, flatshare etc rather than moving back to mum. If he ever did want to move back in, he could stay in the small room -that's been good enough for your SD all these years-.

RFPO77 · 02/11/2022 23:16

Oh my you're being very unreasonable hon, if I were your DH and DSD I'd be livid. Let the girl have the bigger room and accept your son has left home.

FootStillOn · 02/11/2022 23:19

I’m with your DH. Why is your DS more important than his DD??

Mamanyt · 02/11/2022 23:25

Your grown son made a grown decision with grown-up consequences. It isn't as if he would have no place to go should this not work out. He will have the smaller bedroom, if necessary. I'm sorry, I'm with your husband on this one (and that's fairly rare).

ThreeBoysTheCatTheDogAndMe · 02/11/2022 23:26

My eldest moved out, the middle one moved into his room and the youngest then had his own room
It's a natural progression in a household surely as kids fly the nest?
Totally unfair if you're objecting to your DSD moving into a bigger room

Serendipity79 · 02/11/2022 23:27

You are totally unreasonable. My daughter has to put up with an air bed when she stays with her dad because his wife insists on their 2 bedrooms (aside from theirs) must be left intact as her "sons" rooms even though they left home 2 and 5 years back.

My daughter only stays periodically and hates feeling pushed out - your SD lives with you for goodness sake how must she feel??

Jeds55 · 02/11/2022 23:28

Pretty unanimous OP but based on your update I don't think you'll take the answers on board.
Of course SD should get the bigger room - she is the only child living at home now.

cushionfiend · 02/11/2022 23:39

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your son is 25 and an adult who has moved out. Your stepdaughter should now get the larger room. It's a no-brainer. It's not like there's not a room your son can stay over in occasionally, or move into should he need that as a stopgap in future. Please show your stepdaughter that you value her needs too!

Ponderingwindow · 02/11/2022 23:49

There shouldn’t be a discussion. Her move into the larger room is so obvious that she should have just done it automatically.

feelthebeatfromthetangerine · 03/11/2022 00:01

Met82 · 02/11/2022 21:13

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

If they were both your bio kids, and their genders were reversed... would you still be keeping the big room empty just in case for your older daughter, whilst your younger son lived in the box room?

Schnooze · 03/11/2022 00:06

The ops response is ridiculous.

CombatBarbie · 03/11/2022 00:24

Jesus wept.....

ThreeBoysTheCatTheDogAndMe · 03/11/2022 00:31

You won't have a great relationship with her for much longer if you're this petty
All children should be treated equally in a blended family, you're prioritising your son (who doesn't even live there anymore) over your husbands daughter, bet she's thrilled that her lovely step mother is denying her more space for her bedroom and is granting her permission for her to study in the golden childs bedroom
Ffs 🙄

tolerable · 03/11/2022 00:44

read that back?its you-bet my fat ass even your son wuld say s
i do get it tho.as a mammy.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/11/2022 00:45

😮 Your attitude is appalling. You owe your husband and his daughter an apology.

tillytown · 03/11/2022 00:52

I can't believe anyone is this much of a selfish idiot. Your adult son has left, he doesn't live with you anymore.
Are you secretly hoping his relationship will fail so he'll come running back to mummy? Its time to move on, the man is full grown and needs to stand on his own two feet.

ClaryFairchild · 03/11/2022 01:03

Well if the room is small and cosy it will be just as fine for your DS.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2022 01:10

So your argument comes down to "But my baby boy might come back!!!!!"

You need to get it that he has moved out, he has fledged.....it happens. In fact 25 is quite late really. My DD went to Uni and then didnt come back really apart from holidays and 3 months between her finishing Uni and getting her deposit together for her flat. She was 21. I was proud of her for doing that. As a PP said, her room was taken the same day, infact she helped sort it out for her brother!

Your son wont care, your husband and your SD however will see (and clearly have seen) how you obviously prioritize your son hypothetically needing to come home at some unspecified point over your SD definitely benefitting from the bigger room right now.

She can study it in any time....wow....big of you.

I do not agree with the "All step mothers are bitches" stance that seems to pervade on this site, but in this case I have to say that you are a disgrace to step mothers and one of the reasons that this attitude exists.

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 03/11/2022 01:10

You need to apologise to your DH, admit that yabvvu and also offer to help redecorate you Dsd’s new, larger room.

WhenTheMusicFinallyStops · 03/11/2022 01:13

Good grief. Let the poor girl have the bigger room.
He does still have A room, just not the same one he used to have. Feel sorry for your husband and SD. Hope you don't make it so obvious she is the 2nd class child 😔😔😔

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/11/2022 01:16

Also, you can feel sad that he has left, thats normal. But at what point does the room become available? 5 years? 10 years? Or will you wait 25 years incase he has a mid life crisis?

Will SD box room be kept "just in case".....I suspect not.....[awaits drip feed about how she has a room at her mothers house so its not the same]