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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arguments over the spare room

375 replies

Met82 · 02/11/2022 16:46

Would like to get everyone’s opinion on this.
So me and my husband have been together 15 years, married 5 and living together for 10.

We both have a child to a previous relationship however until recent we all lived under the same roof with no issues.

Problem has came up. My son who is the oldest of the two kids (25) officially moved out 3 months ago and in with his girlfriend into their first flat. He has been staying 5 days out of 7 at hers for the last 2 years anyway but this new flat its officially theirs and he has moved all his belongings out.

My husband wants his girl who is 17 to now move into the bigger room (what was previously my sons room) as she currently has the small room to herself.

He appears to have agreed this without ever running it by me first and assumed there would be no issues. His argument is simply that my son moved out 3 months ago and the room is sitting empty so sees no issues in it. He did say that of course there is always a room/bed for my son should anything ever change however he thinks that should be the small room. On the odd occasion my son visits and decides to stay over he thinks it should be in the small room.

Im 100% against this. My son has only just moved out 3 months ago and although my fingers are crossed that everything works out fine for them what if it doesn’t and he has to move back in. I don’t want him feeling that his room is no longer there.

Am I being completely unreasonable as I don’t think I am however my husband seems really angry that this is even being discussed.

Help

OP posts:
AltroVinoPerFavore · 02/11/2022 21:30

Surely it would be cosy for your son then if he ever needed it? You might feel bad for your son but how can you not feel worse for your SD? YABU

ShippingForecastMeditator · 02/11/2022 21:31

Surely if things don't work out your 25 year-old adult son will find another flat share OP. He's left home because that's what adults do. What is it with babying male children these days?

WaddleAway · 02/11/2022 21:32

Met82 · 02/11/2022 21:13

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

The room is empty. What a waste.
If your SD moves into the room your son will still have a room at yours. The smaller one. Which, as you say, is nice and cosy and you’ve deemed it to be suitable for your SD all these years, so it’s surely suitable for your son too?

AlbertaAnnie · 02/11/2022 21:38

Would you been holding the room for your SD if she had been the older one who moved out first and your son had been in the smaller room?? I doubt it - poor SD

CJsGoldfish · 02/11/2022 21:39

Of course you are being unreasonable. You still can't see that?

Some rooms are 'better' than others in my house so my rule has always been that you are welcome to come back at any time you may need but it will be to whichever room is available. Why should my youngest never get a shot at the biggest spare room? And why should your SD not have the chance to have the better room?

cavily1806 · 02/11/2022 21:40

Are you serious? 🤯

Hana89 · 02/11/2022 21:40

Think about how your SD must feel OP! She's had the smaller room for years while your son got the bigger room and kept it even when he was only home two days a week! Now he's got his own flat and she is still in the small room! It isn't fair at all!
If your son needs to come home for a bit, he can have the cosy room while he works out his next steps, but at 25 it is unlikely any return home would be more than a very temporary thing.
I really understand why your DH is frustrated with you about this because it must feel like his child comes second even when yours has left for a new exciting chapter of his life!

Happyher · 02/11/2022 21:40

I moved into my brothers bigger room as soon as he left home

SoupDragon · 02/11/2022 21:41

I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

he will have a room. The small one.

3487642l · 02/11/2022 21:41

OP, a simple thought experiment - imagine the roles were reversed and your SD was older and has moved out and has no other bedroom at another house, would you be happy for your son to stay in the smaller room?

BobbyBobbyBobby · 02/11/2022 21:41

I think you should go in the small room, your step daughter pick a room and your husband/partner have the other room. If your son comes back with his tail between his legs you can swap your bed for a bunk bed.

SD1978 · 02/11/2022 21:42

A 25 year old man does not need his bedroom kept at his parents house. He knows he can come back if necessary but that will be to the smaller room. You are being very silly.

Dullardmullard · 02/11/2022 21:42

2 weeks I had the bedroom stripped and redone when my lass moved out at 25. It’s now mine.

Gilmorehill · 02/11/2022 21:42

Met82 · 02/11/2022 21:13

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

I almost feel you are saying the smaller room is good enough for your dsd but not for your ds.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2022 21:44

I have a great relationship with my SD

You won't for long. Do you really think she won't be incredibly hurt by this. If I were your husband, I would have moved her in there already.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 02/11/2022 21:47

I almost feel you are saying the smaller room is good enough for your dsd but not for your ds

She is saying that.

She is in fact saying that the smaller room is good enough for her DSD, but not for her DS who doesn't fucking live there.

Why stop there, OP? You'd better stop your DSD using the bathroom too, in case your DS nips back and needs an urgent poo 🙄

AiryFairyLights · 02/11/2022 21:48

I’m in agreement with your husband - I don’t understand why it’s even being discussed! Your son is 25 not 18/20!

Fluffyknickers · 02/11/2022 21:49

Wow, YABU

Ellie1015 · 02/11/2022 21:49

Met82 · 02/11/2022 21:13

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

So your son who doesn't live there is a higher priority for the room than dsd? Awful message to send to stepdaughter and her dad.

The room is empty, it is not your sons so why can't she have it? Of course if his new loving arrangement doesn't work out then make room for him in SDs old room. But likely it will work out, even if it doesn't his solution might not be moving back to yours.

AliceMcK · 02/11/2022 21:50

Met82 · 02/11/2022 21:13

Just to be clear there is no shrine. The room is empty.

Husband is angry as he doesn’t get why this is even a discussion. Says I have empty nest syndrome.

I have a great relationship with my SD I just feel like my son doesn’t have a room at his dads (my ex) so feel bad if he doesn’t have his room at mine should he need it.

SD room yes is small but very cosy and she can use the other room for studying whenever she needs too.

OMG are you serious, why dose a grown ass man need a bedroom and his parents houses, he’s got a room in his own home with his girlfriend.

And your husband has every right to be angry your not considering his or his DDs wishes at all, you sound very it’s your way or the highway. He shouldn’t need permission from you to tell his dd she can now have the EMPTY bigger room 🙄

deeperthanallroses · 02/11/2022 21:53

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 02/11/2022 21:47

I almost feel you are saying the smaller room is good enough for your dsd but not for your ds

She is saying that.

She is in fact saying that the smaller room is good enough for her DSD, but not for her DS who doesn't fucking live there.

Why stop there, OP? You'd better stop your DSD using the bathroom too, in case your DS nips back and needs an urgent poo 🙄

This. Have you favoured your ds over dsd in 1000 other ways op?when I moved out my sister moved into my room in about 30 seconds. Your son is a quarter of a century old. Please listen to your dh. Please try and consider this with fresh eyes. You have a lot of people feeling really sorry for your step daughter here. Small but cozy? Then your ds will LOVE it right?

StClare101 · 02/11/2022 21:54

Completely and utterly unreasonable on your behalf. Honestly you sound ridiculous!

Your adult son can move into the smaller room if things don’t work out, or you know, get his own place like any other adult!!

OliveKitten · 02/11/2022 21:55

YABsoU.

MissPiggysPinkDress · 02/11/2022 21:56

So your son has basically been living out of the home 80% of the time for 2 years , and now out of the home completely for 3 months but you still think it might not work out?

would you let your SD move in to the bigger room if she was your bio daughter?

you are being VU!

DoubleBuggyDriver · 02/11/2022 21:59

You’re treating DSD like shit tbh. If the cosy room is good enough for her then why isn’t it good enough for your son on the off chance that he may move back in? Even if he comes to visit, he still has the smaller room to sleep in?

Why do you think it’s okay for an empty room to sit there just because DSD has been used to having the other room? As pp have said, he may break up with his current girlfriend and want to live by himself or with flat mates etc.

You sound like you want him wrapped in your arms 24/7 so he can be with mummy dearest and no one else. The fact that literally EVERYONE is telling you YABU and you’re not willing to hear it is crazy to me