Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

@InsertSomethingInspiring No, she’s our only, we can’t have any more

I have four and ages 3-4 are my absolute dreaded nightmare.
People talk about this being the best age as their gorgeous little personalities are starting to shine through.
It’s not you OP. She’s a miniature cunt. But then she may or may not turn out a bit better. My eldest is 11 and she’s also a bit of a cunt. But I can talk to her and she vaguely understands.

It's not 100% easy to answer - when you have a child with SEN you get radar for spotting behaviours and quite often its a gut knowing. As a caveat I'm not suggesting it IS anything to be diagnosed - I'm a parent not a professional - just that the behaviours you've described make me think there's something happening that she's unable to communicate to you for whatever reason. In particular the things you described about asking you to do things then getting angry that you're not doing it right and the extreme reactions and shouting. I've also found that the pets get more 'attention' when there's something causing anxiety or bothering him as well.

It's not easy to get to the bottom of it with a 4 year old as they aren't able to articulate anyway at that age.

Like I said in original post all behaviour is communication. If she was fine and suddenly now isn't that suggests something's up. There's a whole movement on connective parenting if you Google it - there might be some useful tips. I came across it when mine were tweens so a bit late as they were set in their ways by then lol - wish I'd found it sooner. A couple of starting points are Hey Sigmund - she has a lots of information on anxiety in children, Sarah Fisher is uk based connective parenting or Patty Wipfler Hand in Hand Parenting.

Not sure if that helps.

My heart really goes to you . I know what’s it like to feeling absolutely like shit cause your little one suddenly turns into some sort of monster …
and yes sometimes its the horrid 3-4 age . It’s bloody awful. BUT … your little one sounds like she is really struggling with something . Im saying this trying to sound as sympathetic and kind as I can and I mean not to make you worry or unhappy … she isn’t well and it’s not about discipline or behaviour of the parents . It sounds like she might be on the spectrum and there is a major flare up of symptoms , it might be some behavioural condition . Sure as heck it sounds very extreme and painful for you all for it to be just a phase … the rage , the zoning out during those moments , the eyes wide open , the nose tics and the blinking , the fact that she openly says she can’t stop herself . I don’t understand how gps have seen this and told you its all good and I don’t understand how her teacher aren’t noticing a changing so drastic . Is there anywhere you could go for a private diagnose ?

@Desenia86 I haven’t taken her to the gp yet, the anger and hitting etc has been since she’s had a cough and cold this week, it’s ramped up so much. Since a couple of weeks after pre school started, the meltdowns I’ve never seen her have before started but not like this week. I’ve booked a private psychologist appointment for next week. It will take ages to go through the system from what I’ve heard and I’m worried. I wasn’t sure whether to go this route first or the gp to rule out anything physical?
The teachers have said she’s fine, aside from the one day hitting the boy and having to be removed and the day the teacher says she was very agitated.
I’m wondering if maybe she had elements of being on the spectrum which weren’t hugely noticeable (as I’ve said above, she’s always been v v hyper at times and had trouble getting to sleep, but no major meltdowns when younger and no agression/shouting whatsoever)
Maybe since starting pre school it’s made her so anxious it’s brought it on more? I don’t know, I don’t know enough about it. She had a lovely, calm but productive time at home with me before, with a mix of downtime when we needed but also time with friends, library, playgrounds, baking, reading, playing etc. I’ve noticed just very small things that I’ve wondered about since 3 but the behaviour wasn’t that often, if that makes sense?
Would being ill make any symptoms a lot worse? She’s barely had any illnesses before (aside from the constipation)

Hi OP

It all sounds very rough for you and DD right now and I hope things change soon to make her more settled

I haven't read the full thread just your updates, so I know she was under hospital treated for bowel issues.

And you guys are sick atm. Have you thought about a UTI? It causes horrible behaviour changes in my DS without him showing signs like pain or burning, he might sometimes have smelly wee. But he becomes a MONSTER
(Disclaimer: he has known kidney/bladder issues, not intending to say in anyway your DD does)

But the behaviour sounds very similar. And easily tested by your practice nurse with a urine sample left in.

Just another idea to add if it's not already been mentioned

Hope things turn a corner soon.

If she is your only OP, you probably would be a lot less likely to notice all the little quirks and behaviours because you have nothing to compare it to. Especially since she has been with you exclusively since birth until recently. Did you take her to any groups or anything when she was a tot? I guess covid out paid to that.

Being taken out of class for hitting isn't usual, even at age 4. That's a flag right there.

A 4yo hitting someone once in preschool is really not a flag on its own crumpets. OP, hope sleep has continued to improve.

@crumpetswithjam We've always been around other children (big mums group with lots of her friends) if I’m honest, when younger especially, they hit etc as she was great. Im also a teacher and have worked on childcare since graduating, so I'm v familiar with kids. She spoke incredibly early, that was the thing people always commented on. I remember her having a meltdown around 2.5 after being at an Easter party, it was lots of excitement and chocolate and she fell asleep afterwards, so was obviously tired. I put it down to that, I hadn’t seen her like that before but had seen friends kids similar. Then at 3, I tried her at a different pre school and she showed possible changes (looking back) she started blowing raspberries a lot, again lots of kids did, it seemed a bit different, but I wasn’t sure. She was in retrospect too young at that point, had nightmares/wet the bed for the first time and was unhappy, so I took her out and we carried on our play dates with friends etc. As I’ve said, I remember struggling to get her to sleep when little at times, she’d bounce around the room and she’d crawl fast down the beach, then run down the beach, never stopping. She always seemed to have a lot of energy. I’ve noted definite differences, but recently it’s just exploded.

@crumpetswithjam @mikado1 She wasn’t taken out of the classroom, it was in the playground at playtime as they were both trying to get on the slide and she was pushing/hitting him, apparently it was a two way thing. Both were separated, he was put in a classroom and her on the bench, I see that sort of thing fairly frequently tbh

*And she was great

*Worked in childcare

I may sound like I’m making excuses or am in denial, I don’t think I am, I just want to be sure

Yes, I understood this Cantfeelmuch.

One thing concerns me OP. Her behaviour has fundamentally changed in a short time and has become aggressive, impatient and anxiety ridden.

None of us on MN can tell you what the problem is. It could be a phase or something more serious. My advice is to take her to the GP to get some blood test to rule out any metabolic issues, and to make an appointment with an experienced child psychologist.

A blood test will rule out anything serious with her physical health, and a child psychologist will tell you if she's scoring high on symptoms like ASD or ADHD, or is simply going through a difficult phase and how you can deal with it.

You can't be. You just have to go through the process of flagging it up and letting professionals have a look. Th raspberry thing is a vocal stim, my DS does it.

@crumpetswithjam This is it, I’d knew it could be known as a stim, but equally, around that time/age, lots of her friends were doing it and it passed. It’s hard to know if I’m reading too much into things as I’m a worrier by nature or there is something else. I’m definitely not one to not notice things, if that makes sense.

@Alondra Yes, I thought to go to a normal gp also for the physical side

She always seemed to have a lot of energy. I’ve noted definite differences, but recently it’s just exploded.

99% with kids this young having metabolic issues (problems with kidneys, bladder, stomach or pooping) are symptomatic with low energy and sluggishness. Your DD is going through a serious change in behaviour by becoming aggressive when she wasn't before.

You really need to engage professionals, and top of the list is a child psychologist.

@Alondra Yes, I’ve booked that, you don’t think anything physical can cause this?

Hi OP trust your gut which it sounds like you’re doing. Ignore all the people on here saying it’s your parenting. My DS has ASD with a PDA profile and it took until he was 8 to be diagnosed. Although the signs were there for years and I was in denial about it all. Food and constipation were a huge issue for us and still are to some extent. My DS is 11 now. He spoke early ish, has always had a fantastic vocab etc and string academically but he started to get really anxious and sad around 6/7. We had lived abroad and my parenting was heavily criticised by the pre school (something that wouldn’t happen here) as I was always very calm and accommodating of his behaviour and ‘not strict enough’ because I knew it wouldn’t work. Take your DD to the psychologist as you have said. Sending you strength. I don’t parent like other people because that doesn’t work for my DS, we are happy and get on with our lives. I thought my DS was fine but I realised his behaviour was all a construct and he was a master of masking. It was working until he couldn’t keep it up anymore and his mental health really suffered. Some children just need a very low demand environment to be able to cope with the basics of life.

Strong academically

@Capturetotalelotion If it’s due to starting pre school only a few mornings per week, so I take her out 🤷🏻‍♀️How will she cope in the future will full time school. Feeling really scared and down

I just don’t understand why it’s been so bad this week, she’s not been in pre school for almost two weeks, so should be more relaxed in that way 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it just the being ill and tired

No, it'd be extremely rare for a 4 y.o. to go through such behavioural change because of her physical health. When kids are sick, their metabolism slows down, it doesn't make them hyper.

You are trying to apply common sense to something outside your control. I know you are worried sick about your DD trying to find answers and some comfort from posts here....... unfortunately none of us can give you the reassurance you need right now.

The only way you will get on top of your daughter's behaviour is by working with the psychologist - she/he will talk to her, observe her behaviour and how she engages in play.

You are a great mom and doing everything you have to do.