Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

The constipation, impaction, behaviour before pooing. That's withholding, OP.

@crumpetswithjam Yes, I thought that but the doctor said she’s not, plus she’s not impacted & constipated now.

I just wish someone could tell us what the issue is, is it a sign of something more-ASD, adhd etc, are we not being strict enough and it’s normal, is it because of stomach troubles. It’s been so stressful since it all started, it all started around the time of tummy problems, no issues before, which is the thing I don’t understand

How did you react to the angry door slamming OP? I have a really clear picture of your dd behaviour, tho not always the trigger before it, but I have no picture of you in it and it might be helpful. Blowing bubbles sometimes help relax the body before a poo, or you could just have them around in general for her. Can be really useful for letting out, you can't clench your body while holding bubbles.

I can't say for sure of course, but my feeling, considering it's so relatively new, is that it's not a need for more strictness bit for more of her 'being seen' in her emotions and, as I said yesterday, looking for connection and coregulation to get her through the difficult ones. And firm, kindly held limits too rather than angry ones. I think trying this for a few days even could turn things around. Up to this recently you've said yourself, you've been tired, stressed and angry about it all. As best you can, I think if you decide to go at this differently, you might see some changes.

That's why you ask for a referral to a paediatrician, who will help you find some answers.

Nobody on here will give you answers.

@mikado1 Yes, that’s what I’ve been trying to do now…it does feel alien to almost let it go when she’s slamming things repeatedly or screaming at me, in that moment I can’t connect with her, I’ve tired but I understand she can’t at that moment. I moved into the other room out of the way but close by. It’s just like she snaps and goes into a different zone, I’ve never seen her do that as she has this week, can being ill really do this and it will pass? She came to say goodnight and was calm so we cuddled and I said to her how I know it’s hard to stay calm and it’s hard to feel angry and we all feel like that and it’s ok. I said to try the breathing we’d practised or that she can come to tell us if she feels angry or for hugs, she just listened. I realise it’s probably almost impossible for her to do that when she’s in it all. I don’t know, I used to be so sure of everything, now I feel worried all the time and not sure what it all means, if it means anything at all.

@Cantfeelmuchthesedays Yes, I thought that but the doctor said she’s not, plus she’s not impacted & constipated now.

• *What type of doctor? Paed/GP/specialist?

Has she been x-rayed to show no impaction?

She came to say goodnight and was calm so we cuddled and I said to her how I know it’s hard to stay calm and it’s hard to feel angry and we all feel like that and it’s ok. I said to try the breathing we’d practised or that she can come to tell us if she feels angry or for hugs, she just listened. I realise it’s probably almost impossible for her to do that when she’s in it all
That sounds like a lovely interaction ♥ No she can't yet do that but like I say try the bubbles during the day to loosen things up a bit for her. While she may not be able for the deep breathing etc in the moment, we can do calming activities outside of the heated moment and they will stand to her in general to bring the stress levels down. Anything that involves dancing, roaring laughing, chasing etc is fantastic for her and you might enjoy it too. I personally wouldn't let the door be slammed repeatedly but we all have our different limits.

@Manamala We went to two gastric paediatrics. She was x rayed and it showed impaction, then we did full dose of the Movicol for 11 ish weeks, which was absolutely horrendous. We went to see another specialist and he said it had cleared her out (only some soft poo low down in her stomach) and to now make sure she poos once per day, he wanted us to continue with Movicol but at a lower dose but I didn’t want to and have been able to ensure she goes once-twice per day by natural methods/foods

And you're right, Janet Lansbury's advice of 'letting feelings be' is so right but also can be very difficult and uncomfortable for us. I know what it's like to be firefighting a child who explodes, it's not easy to be that calm leader that they need.

@mikado1 I wouldn’t ever normally, but nothing seems to be working and it was all a bit much today

Constipation can be a result of witholding poo which can be a stress behaviour - so if the constipation and preschool coincide at all this could all be part of the same thing.

Can I ask if you are a SAHM why do you need to send her to preschool? Doesn't seem like you wanted to, and it seems like it's triggered some trouble... Have you considered taking her out and see if that helps anything?

@crumpetswithjam I know…I’ve set up a private meeting, I suppose I wanted to see if things would calm or wanted others views of this being typical or not, as in do their children do this.
I’m also afraid of what I might be told in all honesty, but I know I have to get over that and it’s not about my feelings at all, I just want to help her and have our happy lives back

I hope you don't mind me saying, as I recognise it in myself, I think you might be finding it hard to distinguish between allowing all feelings but not all behaviours. Apologies if I'm wrong. Your firm, consistent limits through this are important too. Janet Lansbury has super scripts to demonstrate the breezy, sure of yourself attitude you want to portray - not always easy!!

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen I don’t need her in pre school but she’s 4 now and all her little circle of friends are in pre schools/schools, so no weekday play dates etc now. She’s so sociable and I thought it would suit her, she used to love learning and be so excited about everything. I thought just a few mornings per week might be good for her and me I suppose

@mikado1 Yes, you’re right, I have faltered in that a few times recently. Her behaviour has just been so out of the norm and so challenging, it’s all been a bit of a shock really.

I really do appreciate everyone’s advice so much, thank you 🙏

Tension before pooping is expressed in dance, literally 'bouncing off the walls', running around like a pet with the zoomies, irritability, and lack of focus.

It is 100% withholding behaviour.

What goes on in school if she needs to poop there? Is she made to wait for group loo time? Is there impatience on the part of the staff if a child asks to go to the loo? Do the staff make a fuss if someone has an accident? Are the school loos clean, fresh-smelling, and well lit? Is it hard to lock or unlock the doors? Are the loos themselves the right size for small children? Is it hard to reach the flush handle? Is there always toilet paper in each stsll and is it easy to reach and unroll? Do the loos self flush noisily or unexpectedly when someone is seated? What do the staff say about her toileting?

The problem with taking a child to a psychologist is that sometimes they will see what they are trained to look for. You've seen this with the doctor giving her the all clear wrt the bowel impaction - he looked for that and didn't find it so as far as he's concerned all is well, because physical symptoms are what GPs are trained to look for and see.

Don't be quick to pathologise your child's behaviour. It's easy to 'other' a challenging child, or should I say, a child who is going through a challenging time for reasons that are not clear to you right now.

Please stop saying how afraid you are. My child is autistic and learning disabled. There's nothing to be afraid of. Your child is your child. And always will be.

I know, I get it, I really do. She's bright tho and she'll sense that uncertainty and weakness..she needs you to be cool and strong. Fake it till you make it. Be ready next time. Try the ACT steps I outlined yesterday as they're fairly simple. Oh wow, you're so angry you feel like slamming that door! It's really hard to feel like that. The door is not for slamming. You can throw some cushions with me instead/other acceptable alternative! If she continues I'd just say I know it's hard, I won't let you do that and physically prevent it, if necessary..all the time being kind and calm. If she bawls and screams just stay with her and if she'll be held, great.

That's not really fair crumpets, OP is allowed be honest and tell us how she's feeling about it. You know your child is autistic and the world didn't stop turning and of course they're still your beloved child, but equally it can be an overwhelming and upsetting time for others. It's not right to tell people they can't feel a certain way. (Separately, I have said I feel this is not a ND situation, based on the changes being so recent, but again a disclaimer that obviously I can't tell.)

@Cantfeelmuchthesedays - you poor thing - life sounds utterly draining and awful for you at the moment, and I am not surprised you are feeling so down right now. Any one of the things you are dealing with - being ill yourself, your dd being ill too, and her behaviour - would be difficult, but adding them all together is a perfect storm.

I appreciate you want answers, but I would suggest that you don’t try too hard to change things until you are all feeling well again, or at least, until you are better - then you will have more strength to deal with things.

In the meantime, I’d suggest you take some vitamin and mineral supplements, especially zinc and vitamin c, to help build you up, and to speed up your recovery.

You are doing a good job, in very challenging circumstances.

@crumpetswithjam Afraid in all different ways, maybe it’s me being not strict enough/too strict, maybe it’s my/out fault, maybe it’s something I should have taken her in for and didn’t, maybe it’ll be something really hard for her future.

I can relate OP. DS has just turned 5 and although he can be the most charming boy ever, when he's upset or frustrated his behaviour is off the charts. I'm lying here wanting to cry myself after what was meant to be a lovely family meal out turned into a stressful disaster because DS kicked off. I'm exhausted, I'm at the end of my tether and I feel like every day is a fucking battle. He wakes early, 6am usually which I can just about handle but thanks to the clocks going back it's been 5am the past week. I can't cope. It's draining and it's ok to say that you're struggling.

@ColourMeExhausted So sorry you’re finding it such a struggle too 💐