Sat here crying about DD’s behaviour

[Cantfeelmuchthesedays]

I can’t take much more of it.
She woke up at 6 am, shouting she wanted to go downstairs, kicking me in my back.
Asking me to help her to do things and then getting angry as I’m doing it wrong. Constantly reacting and shouting and screaming. Following the dog around annoying her.
She’s not very pleasant anymore, at all and it’s causing huge problems between Dh and I, he’s stressed at work then comes home to shouting and screaming and taking ages at bedtime to sleep etc. Weekends are hell also.
We don’t have much patience anymore and I’m starting to dread waking up, my only peace is when I’m asleep.
I just don’t know what to do and if any of this is normal and a phase and will pass or something else. Taking her out is a nightmare, spending the day at home for 12 hours is worse.
As awful as it sounds, I miss my old life so very much, I don’t enjoy motherhood anymore and don’t know what happened to my lovely girl, I don’t know if we’re to blame or if it’s normal and we’re not emotionally strong enough.
Will this just be our lives now

@Quartz2208 It was just general chit chat that we often do, I talk to her, we don’t sit in silence all the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not all the time no. But when she is sitting calm and settled and watching something leave her.

I know it is difficult. I struggle as well to leave mine alone (13 and 10) but sometimes it is what you need to do.

How I react and what I do is a part of how they behave - and it is something that it within my power to control.

That's not my experience and I wouldn't allow it. Only in bedrooms playing on their own or on a tablet or something until 7am. I was never an early riser child and neither were my kids. No way would I be getting dragged out of bed at 6am

Reducing demands can be really crucial. Overwhelmed whether it's anxiety or sensory or exhausted my DC still can't deal with questions when they're like that and my youngest is 6 now. DD especially can't cope with questions when she's anxious. When they're overwhelmed is never a good time to try and get them to talk about what's wrong or
teach them regulation. Those need to happen when they're calm. Look up co-regulation, at this age that can really help. I know how hard it is, some days I'm stretched too thin and I can't, but like I encourage my kids try again the next day. It's not a cure all by any means, but it can really help if you can provide that calmness that they need.

100% agree with Luna. You will find some days she can cope with more demands than others and you learn when you can challenge and when you can’t. Boundaries are good, but best established when calm.

You are obviously a wonderful parent and care a lot, but your posts come across as defensive and you seem unwillingly to examine yourself here and work on your own well-being.

How are you really doing, and what steps can you take to improve this? How has your childhood impacted you? What aspects of the parenting you received are you unconsciously perpetuating?

As lots of people have mentioned, they are mirrors, they need Co-regulation, they are so intuitive pick up on everything. You say you have stopped enjoying being a mother - your daughter senses this and you are feeding off each other in a negative spiral.

Have you read any books/websites/podcasts on approaches to take?

How to Talk So Kids Will listen is a really good one and echoes much of what has been said on this thread. As is Hunt, Gather Parent and Janet Lansbury.

Gabor Mate is also great:

Highly recommend Janet Lansbury. How are you doing today OP?

@Manamala I don’t think I’m defensive but I do feel for example that your post is pretty much blaming me/my parenting when how can we know it’s that and it could possibly be something with my Dd that I need to help her with. I think it’s ok to say/feel that you’re not enjoying parenting as much during certain phases? I parent really differently than my parents did (nothing wrong with their parenting, it was just a different time) I’m doing fine within myself but this behaviour has been worrying me as it would anyone I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️

@redjoker Hi, thanks so much for asking, we’re better today as we’ve both slept more but still quite sick, I’ve decided to let things go more, to just try to move on if the anger starts (it hasn’t been as bad today-so far!) we’re having a snuggle on the sofa and have made toffee/chocolate apples, no plans to get dressed or go out anywhere, just to take it calmly.
Last night I got myself all worried reading up about ASD and adhd etc, I’m still not sure whether to commit to a private appointment or see how things go this month.

I am going through this a bit, SO I can sympathize .

We have lots of ignoring of bad behavior which feels like we are going against EVERYTHING I have ever been taught but its working. Lots of Calm loving behavior even in the face of extreme anger. Lots of changing the subject

DC screamed at me to pack my bags and move to south america!!!! (?) this morning, I asked if he would help me pack and do i need sun cream? he was so flabbergasted he calmed quickly

We have strict rule and very simple commands 'WE DONT HITTING' not big lengthy lectures or shouting.

and the best thing weve done is approach rules in very calm moments, which feels scary as you dont want to 'set them off' but has helped us to get some boundries in

Try and take a step back, its so so hard, personally id say give the ND stuff a break for now, just deal with getting things calmer, (reading all the ND doesnt really help, just makes you agitated, uptighted and stressed)

once calmer, you can go back to it with a more level head.

One day at a time

If there's been a sudden change or her behaviour is getting progressively worse have you explored the reasons why?

Is / has something happened for her to be angry, has there been an accident shes witnessed or an incident that uou may / may not know about?

Has she reached her milestones healthcare wise or could there be some special needs which need investigating.

Is there consistent boundaries / discipline in place?

I hope things improve and you can start enjoying each others company again xx

Knowledge is power. Facing uncomfortable truths is part of being a responsible adult. If you think there's an issue then of course you should be flagging your concerns to the GP. That's the responsible thing to do.

I completely disagree @redjoker - as a neurodiverse person and mother of a neurodiverse child with a learning disability. The earlier you act, the better life is for everyone. The quicker specific needs can be identified and met, the better. It's not some terrible spectre hanging over everything, at least it doesn't need to be.

@crumpetswithjam I’m just not sure if I’m jumping the gun a bit or being dramatic, I mean it is a difficult age, she’s barely slept, she’s ill…I just don’t know. I wouldn’t want to put the added stress onto her of doctors consultations etc

Forgive me, I wasn't very clear.

Totally not suggesting its given up on. I'm talking literally in the next few days just to try and give OP a little headspace.

In the same situation myself, DRs have been useless and waiting time is 2 years. so not sure waiting 2 days to try and calm the situation down will hurt.

If you are concerned OP I found writing down behaviors and recognising patterns however small will help you and your child ND or not

@redjoker @crumpetswithjam A big issue for me is trying to determine what’s down to her stomach or if it’s behaviour meaning something else. For example, before she just started running around, jumped on me, threw something across the room, tried to take something from my bag and basically just went on one, two minutes later she went for a poo and came out *Normal and did some colouring 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could there be some anxiety around using the loo?

I think making notes of patterns and triggers is your first step. Somedays it will feel like 'it came out of nowhere'

But if you could reduce even one of those triggers she could start to feel calmer and more manageable.

@redjoker Yes I think there definitely was at first, but she seemed to get over that.

For example, it’s been great all
day and now I can see the change as she’s running around and shouting, if a poo comes soon I wouldn’t be surprised.

@Cantfeelmuchthesedays

I don't know why you asked a question about the programme she was asking. You say you wanted to show interest, but why? It comes across as tiptoeing around your DD, trying to establish a connection - just like a nervous mother of teens who bakes cookies when her 16 year old has friends around and intrudes on their chat.

Children can sense the nervousness just as teenagers can, and they feel upset deep down when it shows itself. They hear the repeated use of the word 'just' and it makes them feel insecure. Try to eliminate the word 'just' from your interactions with DD. Its not part of a language of leadership.

Remind yourself that you are the leader here, you set the tone, and you're not the victim of a tyrant, but an adult who has choices about how you present yourself and think about yourself and how you communicate.

Have you ever been sitting reading and someone plants themselves on tbe couch and says "Whatcha reading/ who wrote it/ what's it about..?" Or you're sitting watching something and someone wants to know the plot, the name of the actor on the second horse from the left, etc. How have you felt? Do you feel the other person is genuinely interested or just looking for some sort of attention? Don't be needy around your child.

The poopoo dance/ scampering is withholding behaviour.

Your DD is trying not to poo, probably because she is fearful of the discomfort a lumpy poo can cause.

Can you identify the circumstances in her life at the time she suffered the impacted bowel? Didnit happen during the long, hot summer? Or after she started preschool?

@mathanxiety Wow, that wasn’t the intention at all. I wanted to talk with her, we generally speak like that if watching a show together at times…I didn’t think that was wrong/unusual

She showed signs of tummy ache last October but was only shown to be impacted around March. She was then out on the sachets, she showed aggression literally from the start of taking them, the doctor assured me they don’t cause any issues…there’s a group set up suing the company as they say it brought on ASD, adhd, Pans type symptoms etc to their previously well children…I don’t know. All I know is the change has been since then, but really bad around a month ago perhaps with shouting and meltdowns she never had before and now aggression.

This afternoon has been awful with her v I focused and hyper, we played together ok then it’s like she switched, nothing had happened at all and she was slamming her bedroom door again and again and getting angrier and angrier. She’s never done anything like this before. I’m actually really worried now as this can’t be normal behaviour. She’s ill and tired but surely not?
Feeling worried and am waiting for an email response from the private psychologist.

*Put on the sachets

*Unfocused

The sachets don't cause the conditions. The conditions cause the withholding.

Lots and lots of neurodiverse kids withhold their poo, it's very common.

@crumpetswithjam She wasn’t withholding