AIBU? Worried about my maintenance payments ending and how I’ll live

[Tiredmum1106]

My daughter (11) gets nearly £700 a month from her biological father, they met briefly (age2) but it wasn’t a meeting I arranged for visitation, I wanted to know what support I was going to get from Him.

He’s paid every month since on time, we have got accustomed to this money now, we didn’t have it before as it was a casual relationship rather than actual dating.

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

they haven’t met since the day he came to discuss payments as he wanted to do it out of CMS, I declined as he should pay the exact amount CMS said, to the penny.

Since maintenance is discounted for benefits purposes and you aren't working due to disability you should also be receiving

Universal Credit -with housing element for rent
No council tax to pay
PIP for disability
UC for day to day spending on top of the £700
Child Benefit
Free school meals and various free activity clubs for your child fully paid for under the HAF scheme to help in the holidays and then vouchers for food during the holidays

Do you get these?

There is no talking to you, you think you're completely right and your ex should pay you 700 for eternity. You've 7 years to plan for this, then if your ex wants to support HIS DAUGHTER he can fund her directly, but you have to support yourself. Like everyone else in the world!

Its hardly abandoned if you weren't in a relationship and he made it clear he didn't want to play an active role in the child's life yet still contributes generously financially each month. You chose to continue with the pregnancy not him.

Fibromyalgia and CFS are not a hall pass to get you out of working for the rest of your life, many people with these conditions work both in and out of the home. You need to start taking responsibility for your own life choices and finances.

I don't think PPs should be critical of OP due to this at all, even if others feel they'd like to be getting level of CMS OP is. I'm sure those same PPs wouldn't like to have the disabilities OP has nor to live on ESA. She hasn't says what her situ is in terms of housing.

Yes OP, CMS stops at 18 when she leaves school/college non further education ie. July that year. The only reason it might go up to 20 is if she had to restrict exams / a year at school or A level Burch college for eg at non further education.

CMS doesn't continue even if she goes onto Uni or other further Ed training (that she would get a student Maintenance loan of some kind for); . Or she is eligible for job seekers allowance; or starts work.

No a full maintenance loan isnt really enough to live on for students. Yes that is unfortunate. Some unis do small bursary hardship grants (small ones like £800 a year) to students on full maintenance loans experiencing financial hardship. Most uni students have to work part time and in uni holiday times to keep afloat. You won't get rent from your uni student DD unless she lives at home to go to local uni which is an option. This is why poor families find it tough to afford university for their newly adult children.

I have two at uni and they cost me a fortune and one younger child at home. They all cost me the same as they ever did at home , as they need somewhere to live during uni term holidays and can barely meet rent requirements at the unis they chose.

Resist not restrict
And A level or Btech type qualms at college if non further Ed course

Whilst I appreciate this was very difficult for you and remains difficult, he still does not owe you anything, only his daughter.
I’m assuming that at the moment you are receiving disability benefits + £700 maintenance a month. The disability benefits should cover your costs, the £700 should be for his daughter, not you. So once she is financially responsible for herself, ie out of full time education, he has absolutely no obligation to give you any money.

Just to say to those who are talking disability benefits, not every disabled person who is at a disadvantage for working full time receives (or is eligible for) PIP.

You can still find it physically painful & exhausting to work and be on limited days, have variable condition, but not meet PIP criteria if you can microwave a hot meal, make a hot drink, wash and dress yourself for example ..
even if it takes you ages to do so.

I think you have misunderstood OP. People have asked you what would you do if the money ended tomorrow?

There's many shit fathers that abandoned their kids and don't pay a penny or pay £7 a week.

Money can't but health or happiness but being skint is also a factor of poor mental health. Have a think about that......

Well, this might sound harsh but you have had 11 years to get yourself some help for your ills, and now you have at least another seven years to sort yourself out financially and get some training and a job. And yes, I was left to bring up a child on my own, went back to work when my child was tiny, then trained and worked and supported us both.

How have you managed to change this from being your daughter’s maintenance to ‘your’ maintenance?! As others have said, you shouldn’t be using this money other than to maintain/provide for her. Your own needs are your own responsibility. How would you have paid for yourself if you hadn’t had kids?

Haha. I'm a single mum and my ex-husband pays £36 per month (when forced). You are being grabby and should be able to support yourself

I normally hate the bootstraps mentality but…

I had significant abdominal surgery equivalent to a c-section, and lost so much blood that I nearly died. I have depression, anxiety, and C-PTSD (unrelated to the surgery). I’m also going to spend 25 years experiencing the menopause, the symptoms of which include brain fog, insomnia, and fatigue.

I work 45-50 hours per week in a well paid job. I’m disabled but not incapable of working.

I realise that two people’s experiences can be very different and I’m not saying I doubt you’re unfit to work, but I am saying that the things you’ve experienced, whilst awful, do not in themselves preclude working in any job whatsoever.

Ultimately you can’t force this man to give your adult daughter enough money to be financially secure, any more than a 19 year old could force their own parents to do it. Once she’s an adult, she’s responsible for herself and you’re responsible for yourself.

Again you assume wrong 'Tiredmum'

My child has additional needs, we were abandoned by her dad, currently get NO maintenance, he also has no contact and I have next to no family support. On top of this I had a horrific Labour, an emergency caesarean (since you believe this to be disabling and traumatic despite being common nowadays) and I've suffered severe depression for over 20 years. Yet here I am struggling on without whinging, like many others do. You don't know you're living quite frankly if you feel hard done by on 700 a month. You are not the victim here. Your child and ultimately their father are.

If you’re paying £300 a month then in the next 7 years until your DD is 18 you’ll have paid around another 25k.

How much debt will you still have?

OP, in the past 11 years what help have you sought for your FMS, CFS, anxiety and PTSD? These are all illnesses that can be managed. I really think you should hold yourself responsible for your lifestyle and your daughter and make the effort to prepare yourself. Your daughter's father, whilst he may not be the best dad ever, has paid a significant amount in maintenance. I find it very hard to understand how you have not prepared yourself in the time you've had.

Why wouldn't be want a DNA when a woman he's having a casual relationship with says she's pregnant. It could have been anyone's child.

I do think CMS should be reviewed in terms of how long it's provided for. Most 18 year olds I know aren't financially independent and with the huge cost of living crisis, they won't be until well into their 20s.

Even so, luckily your daughter is only 11 so you have lots of time to think about how best to provide. Perhaps there are jobs you could do now that working from home is the norm.

“Abandoned by the father” sorry but it was 2 years? And he’s paid very handsomely since for nothing in return.

My daughters dad (who is very very well off) avoided paying a penny for 13 years as he moved and evaded the CMS via being self employed. He then lied about his income and had to be pursued for fraud, at which point he took all his income as dividends with only a directors salary (personal allowance amount) and as arrears can only be taken from PAYE income via a deduction order he pays a pittance off his £21,000 arrears now 2 years after she moved out!

The father is not obliged to fund her once she leaves non advanced full time education. He’s most certainly not obliged to fund YOU. Once she leaves education she can get a part time job, you could work, the usual things we all have to do to stay afloat and get to that financially stable place! It’s not his fault you ran up debt or became disabled. I had no maintenance for so long but didn’t end up in debt!

You need to become accountable for your own actions OP, you choose to get into debt, nothing is adding up with your story.

your paying £300 and even if it sent that amounts to £8,100 a baby and a toddler do not need that amount spent on them and for a lot of families they don’t even get that a year.

You say you’ve become accustomed to the money however you receive full HB and any benefits that your eligible for, so that means your daughters living costs and housing needs are already met by your benefit entitlement, ALOT of families manage on this income and also have disabilities.

You've got 5/6 years to get unaccustomed to the CM and this is something you should start planning for now.

He has no responsibility to you only his child and when she decides to leave education he will NOT have responsibility for his child.

Rather than having a woe is me attitude, help yourself and your daughter by being realistic to your income and the inevitable changes your going to have to make.