AIBU? Worried about my maintenance payments ending and how I’ll live

[Tiredmum1106]

My daughter (11) gets nearly £700 a month from her biological father, they met briefly (age2) but it wasn’t a meeting I arranged for visitation, I wanted to know what support I was going to get from Him.

He’s paid every month since on time, we have got accustomed to this money now, we didn’t have it before as it was a casual relationship rather than actual dating.

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

they haven’t met since the day he came to discuss payments as he wanted to do it out of CMS, I declined as he should pay the exact amount CMS said, to the penny.

I’m torn about a reverse or entitled no contact with reality. There are some super entitled people out there with no self awareness… Im loving the reference by OP about “taking him to the cleaners”, she is getting £700pcm?!

By the time your daughter is 18 she should be stepping up with part time or full time jobs. It’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect support until her mid or late 20’s.

I have sympathy for the Op. A child is produced as a result of a casual relationship - yet the overwhelming burden (both financially and otherwise) falls to one party. As usual the mother.

Save for a monthly direct debit from his account, the father gets to continue life as though it never happened.

I am not for one moment stating that the Op regrets the decision to have child. The balance of responsibility however is not fair and it rarely is.

There has never been a better time to look for remote working jobs.

get looking online at training you could do now to get yourself in some form of employment.
for example there are training apprenticeships for people with zero coding background with starting salaries of £29k if taken on afterwards. Within a couple of years you could be on £45k and these roles are almost all from home.

The money is supposed to be paying for half the costs of the child. I'm not suggesting an 11yo needs £1400 a month, but CMS assumes that both parents will contribute to the costs of upbringing.

I agree with others saying how dangerous it is to rely on this money so much. It could stop or reduce at any time, and he's certainly not obliged to pay anything at all after her A-levels.

You need to make a plan to ensure you can pay your bills without CMS payments when the time comes.

700 for 1 child!! I don't get any for 3 😂🙄

What if she doesn't have the aptitude or inclination to go on with education past 18?
What if she wants to work in retail on NMW?

Of course he cannot be expected to subsidise you once she passes 18! She is an adult then and his moral and financial obligations should cease.

She isn't a meal ticket for you is she? You rather sound like you do think so.

OP, many parents can't afford to financially support their children all through university and beyond. I absolutely will not be able to financially support my DS much should he choose to go to uni, he will have to get a job while he studies. Your dd will have to do the same.

She’s your daughter too, and not your meal ticket. You might have become “accustomed” to the money but that stops when she’s an adult. You’ll simply have to cut your cloth, claim what benefits you can and find work you can do. Like everyone else.

As others have said his payments are his contribution to your daughter this is not money for you or to support your life style debt.

Just hope your ex does not loose his job or decide to retrain. If he chooses to go back to University to change career and get a degree his assessment will go to zero for his entire time of study that would even extend to masters and PhD.

What kind of debt did you run up in 2 years that you think he should be responsible for? At £300 a month and still paying it off now she’s 11 is insane there is no way that’s on him. I take it you’ve spoken to the debt companies and got the interest frozen or an iva or something because there is no way you should still be paying off buy a cot,pram, steriliser and clothes for two years lack of child maintenance baring in mind it’s also your responsibility to pay and raise.

Genuinely what would you of done if he had a job where he only had to pay you £100 a month or was on benefits himself meaning like £5 a week. You can’t pin all your mum problems on him.

Money not mum.

I'm 30 and go to uni which I have student loans under my name for. Would you like him to pay you for her until that age, should she decide to delay going at the age of 18?

He is in no way responsible for paying your debts. Not now, not ever.

Get a job?

I’ve been a lone parent for nearly 15 years. I have worked full time throughout. The care of three children seriously curbed my promotion options and I am seriously concerned on a full time wage about how I will manage. It is not as easy as ‘get a job’.

@Shiningsilverargent

you have 3 children, and have had a job throughout.

op has one child and no job.

not sure what point you are trying to make here?

It's not anyone else's responsibility to keep you, why you can't/won't work is not his issue. He should support his child, you should be supporting yourself, and contributing towards supporting her.in

It really isn't your child's father's fault that you find yourself unable to work but it does beg the question 'why are you unable to work as a result of your pregnancy?'

There are many positions that you could do as a disabled person.

You cannot just rely on an ex fling's contribution for all of these years.

You sound really bitter, and so grasping to the extent that your DD seems to be your meal ticket. Poor kid.

That's not just a problem that lone parents face though and I say that as one. It's a problem that women in general face.

It's not easy no but OP is very privileged and perhaps has got too comfortable £700 per month is a lot of money. OP should of managed to clear any debt off by now. She obviously has poor money management. The poster is right she needs to get a job her DD is 11, I too agree it's hard

What do you provide for your daughter ?

If this is real, then I think you have a spectacular lack of understanding about just how lucky you’ve been.

If you can’t work then you have no other option but to start cutting your cloth and learn to survive on benefits. If you can’t afford to pay your rent/mortgage then you have to move somewhere cheaper. If you can’t pay your debts and can’t do an IVA then you need to get some free advice from Debtline and consider whether bankruptcy would be an option. Your DD doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until she has a well paying job before she starts contributing; she needs to get a job, any job, and start paying her way. It might sound harsh but you have no other options.

What would happen even if he did agree to keep paying until she’d found a well paying job? Would she then need to give you £700 a month? Are you expecting her to live with you forever? What happens when she wants her own place?

You’ve been lucky. He doesn’t need to pay for you and it isn’t his fault that you became disabled after having your child. Can you look at working from home jobs? If you can type on a laptop ok you could look into remote working.

once your daughter is 18 he doesn’t have to pay. You need to look into absolutely everything you are entitled too because if she moves out for uni what will you do.

I am really sorry but make no wonder he did a runner. Take him to the cleaners ffs. He has provided as best he could in my eyes consistantly and reliabley,Your dd has not had a relationship with him so she has been spared the trauma of having to sit in a bloody mcdonalds every saturday etc. Your dd is both your responsibility are you matching him pound for pound? You sound so entitled and grabby. When your dd is old enough she will get a job and pay her own way and do just fine ,like the rest of us, You will have to manage,she and he are not cash cows to help you survive,

If he drops dead tomorrow what will you do then?