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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Worried about my maintenance payments ending and how I’ll live

168 replies

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 07:35

My daughter (11) gets nearly £700 a month from her biological father, they met briefly (age2) but it wasn’t a meeting I arranged for visitation, I wanted to know what support I was going to get from Him.

He’s paid every month since on time, we have got accustomed to this money now, we didn’t have it before as it was a casual relationship rather than actual dating.

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

they haven’t met since the day he came to discuss payments as he wanted to do it out of CMS, I declined as he should pay the exact amount CMS said, to the penny.

OP posts:
HavingABadHairDayToday · 02/11/2022 08:53

OK, I’ll bite. We’re getting this from DH’s ex at the moment as the kids will be all grown up within the next 3 years and CMS will no longer be payable. She expects him to keep on paying until they leave home!! My daughter, from a previous relationship, still lives at home and pays rent to put things into context. The ex has been told in no uncertain terms that the money is for the kids and not to support her so she can get a job, in fact we’ve got no idea why she doesn’t have one now. We’ve also suggested that the kids pay rent just like my daughter but she’s having none of it. I’m not ashamed to say that we’re looking forward to having that money every month, it doesn’t mean we love the kids any less.

Original poster
Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

OP posts:
Whinge · 02/11/2022 09:08

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

She's also your daughter, and will be an adult. Why can't she start to provide for herself? Confused

Ekateri · 02/11/2022 09:15

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

what do you mean a £700 loss?

Ekateri · 02/11/2022 09:15

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

what will you do if he loses his job, or has other children and his payments to you decrease?

BeBraveLittlePenguin · 02/11/2022 09:20

This is written by the father's wife isn't it 🙄

DeireadhFomhair · 02/11/2022 09:21

Whinge · 02/11/2022 09:08

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

She's also your daughter, and will be an adult. Why can't she start to provide for herself? Confused

My thoughts exactly. She'll be an adult and able to earn money, while I appreciate that she still may need your support she should also be able to support herself.
If you have no other source of income you need to start making plans now for 7 years' time. You can't expect him to subsidise you forever.

Confusedteacher · 02/11/2022 09:22

Bur at 18 your daughter will be able to look after herself! I know that in reality we all help our kids out etc but if she is still living with you at 18 (once she has finished school) she should be paying towards bills etc herself.

If you are disabled and can’t work there are other benefits you can claim, the child maintenance is for your DD not for you.

Beezknees · 02/11/2022 09:25

When your dd is 18 she will have to get a job to support herself. That's what adults do. If she wants to go to uni she will get the maximum loan if you're on disability benefits and she will have to work alongside her studies.

BMW6 · 02/11/2022 09:27

When your daughter ceases FTE she will be an Adult and expected to work and pay her own way.

If she is still living with you she will pay board of course, won't she.

CMS cannot continue forever! It's CHILD maintenance.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 09:28

You’re worrying about this ending in 7 years?

You presumably never thought he’d keep paying once she’s an adult?

Use that 7 years to work out how you’ll live - is it a birth injury that means you can’t possibly work? Or just something that means you’ll have to look at a different type of job?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/11/2022 09:29

Once she’s an adult, she’ll be expected to start providing for herself

SporkAndMonday · 02/11/2022 09:30

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance the same as you would do if he was dead now. Get yourself financially independent now in anticipation.

SporkAndMonday · 02/11/2022 09:31

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

Then you'll have to live off what ever benefits are around. He can't be expected to support you. The money is for his daughter.

ProjectTiger · 02/11/2022 09:52

You will be entitled to maintenance until she is 18 or ceases full time education - whichever is earlier. You won't be able to get a court order - anything after that will be voluntary.

At the age of 18, she will have either left education or will be in higher education presumably . If in higher education then it will be grants/student loans and a part time job. If she has left education then she is an adult of working age and be expected to be self sufficient.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 02/11/2022 10:11

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

Well again... my daughters dad gives me £5 approximately a month after enforcement... fought for that for over a year... my daughter has complex needs and awaiting a medical diagnosis. I am a full time student, cannot find a job to take me as I bring her up alone and any childminders don't feel comfortable looking after her needs. Yet funnily enough, despite not having a disability myself, and no disability or carer allowance as she isn't yet diagnosed, I've had to survive. You should have tried saving some of said 700 away because I tell you what, I live off LESS than that a month, even with my whopping £5 maintenance from her dad 🙄

spanieleyes · 02/11/2022 11:24

My ex provided maintenance until the children completed university, however, once they were 18 the money went straight to them and not to me. But, as others have said, circumstances could change between now and when your daughter is 18, you need to start planning ahead!

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 02/11/2022 11:35

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

This is shit luck.

However, he can't be obliged to keep providing for you on this basis, it just isn't going to happen regardless of what you consider to be fair. So unless he's up for doing that you need a plan. It's good you're thinking about it now, you have a lot of time.

ilovesooty · 02/11/2022 11:38

The money is for his child, who will be self sufficient in due course. It isn't for you and you will have to support yourself via benefits or whatever work you can do.

Original poster
Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 11:46

The money is for ME to be able to keep a roof over his child’s head and keep the house warm! So yes the money goes towards our living costs, as without it we couldn’t survive.

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 02/11/2022 11:51

On shes 18 you’ll have to do the same as everyone else who is unable to work through disability - make do on disability benefits. It’s shit I know, disability benefits are shit - but you are not entitled to his money once she is past 18.

Even if he does continue to financially support her after 18, that money will then go to her directly. You can start charging her rent etc.

Talk1tOut · 02/11/2022 11:56

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 09:06

Unfortunately for me yes this thread is real! I am now classed as disabled after the birth of his daughter, so I am unable to work! I would work if I could! I was a full time working for many years previous to having my daughter.

I don’t think it’s fair that I’m left with a loss of £700pm when I’ll still be providing for his daughter?

You should be getting the relevant benefits to support yourself then? When your daughter becomes an adult she can get a job and support herself so you won't need maintenance to support her.
What you mean is you'd like her father to support you forever.

Quincythequince · 02/11/2022 12:07

What?
You want a court order for him to continue paying you, even though she’ll be an adult, until she’s financially stable (whatever that means).

Why on earth do you think that’s reasonable?

Quincythequince · 02/11/2022 12:13

You need to support yourself, by whatever means there are available to you.

He can continue to help her once she’s 18, if he chooses too.

What you then charge her to remain living with you, is an entirely separate agreement and one which will be between you and her.

I’m sorry you struggle but that’s not his fault and it’s not on him to bear the burden of that for an indefinite period of time. You also have plenty of time to get this sorted and find an alternative source of income.

Can you do no work at all?

x2boys · 02/11/2022 12:14

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 11:46

The money is for ME to be able to keep a roof over his child’s head and keep the house warm! So yes the money goes towards our living costs, as without it we couldn’t survive.

She wont be a child at 18 and she might decide to move out ,she will havr to do what everybody else does and get a job ,how long do you propose he pays maintenece for her untill shes 30,40?

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