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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Worried about my maintenance payments ending and how I’ll live

168 replies

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 07:35

My daughter (11) gets nearly £700 a month from her biological father, they met briefly (age2) but it wasn’t a meeting I arranged for visitation, I wanted to know what support I was going to get from Him.

He’s paid every month since on time, we have got accustomed to this money now, we didn’t have it before as it was a casual relationship rather than actual dating.

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

they haven’t met since the day he came to discuss payments as he wanted to do it out of CMS, I declined as he should pay the exact amount CMS said, to the penny.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 02/11/2022 08:00

Honestly I think you've been lucky to get £700 per month from an absent dad for all these years without any major hitch or complaint. Let's be honest here, this man really has been a half decent cash cow hasn't he? A lot of the deadbeat dads on here would have disappeared or become unemployed on purpose.

But unfortunately when the payments stop, you are going to have to support yourself like other people have to whether that be cutting your cloth, getting a better November or working more hours.

What else do you want people to say? That he should continue to support you for the rest of your life?

IncompleteSenten · 02/11/2022 08:01

He has no legal financial obligation once she's 16 (or 20 if she's in ft education). A loving parent would help their child after that but it doesn't sound like that's an option. He's going to stop paying the second he legally can.

How you will live is for you to handle. A job. Trying to get a better paying job if you have a job now. You have several years to prepare for this change.

SunflowerSmith · 02/11/2022 08:02

Surely this can't be a genuine thread?

Goatling · 02/11/2022 08:02

I dont believe a word of this.... I do. My dh's ex has received full cm payments, never had a job, lives with parents, dc is almost 20 now and he is still paying. This was never a relationship and since meeting me has not been allowed to see the child.

EL8888 · 02/11/2022 08:03

That is 7 years away surely? It’s a fair warning. Plus you should be working. By that time l assume your daughter will be working and / or be entitled to student loans etc for university

butterfliedtwo · 02/11/2022 08:04

Get into work and stop relying on that money.

Ponoka7 · 02/11/2022 08:05

You've got seven years to plan this out. I live in a low income area and the kids have to work, because of staff shortages, a lot of places are now paying £8 an hour for 16 year olds. I was a LP and my DD did a pizza place after college and weekends. It's tough if you are disabled LP, but other than that, it's a matter of increasing your hours.

NC30112021 · 02/11/2022 08:05

Why are you worrying about this now? She's 11. You've got 7 years til she's 18.

Also, get a job.

Ekateri · 02/11/2022 08:07

She is your responsibility as well as his.

Do you have a job?

badassbaby · 02/11/2022 08:13

Tiredmum1106 · 02/11/2022 07:35

My daughter (11) gets nearly £700 a month from her biological father, they met briefly (age2) but it wasn’t a meeting I arranged for visitation, I wanted to know what support I was going to get from Him.

He’s paid every month since on time, we have got accustomed to this money now, we didn’t have it before as it was a casual relationship rather than actual dating.

what are we going to do once he no longer has to pay maintenance, can I get a court order to make him carry on until she’s financially stable?

they haven’t met since the day he came to discuss payments as he wanted to do it out of CMS, I declined as he should pay the exact amount CMS said, to the penny.

This can't be genuine surely?
If it is then OP get real...your post is an insult to single mothers that have never received a penny in child support.
Get off your arse and get a bloody job!

2catsandhappy · 02/11/2022 08:15

I assume you are not sitting on your hands waiting for £700 to drop into your bank every month.
This is not your earned income and you cannot rely on it. You need to earn your income. In 4 years you can increase your hours, get a 2nd job in evenings or work weekends. In 6 or so years your child will be earning their own money and contributing to household expenses, while you go full time.
Don't stick your head in the sand waiting for someone to rescue you. Get your cv updated.
You need to think about your pension contribution too.

Ostryga · 02/11/2022 08:20

You do have to be self-sufficient. DD’s dad gave up his job 2 years ago and I lost a good whack each month. I basically had to up my hours and then change job to earn more. He has started paying again now but it is a pittance and doesn’t even cover half of after school club for a week!

MrsMontyD · 02/11/2022 08:25

CMS stops when they are no longer entitled to child benefit essentially ( obviously a parent can pay longer if they wish to) so it's usually either at the end of the August after they finish A'Levels or FE course at 18, or the following August if they continue education with a FE course that's considered non advanced and you get child benefit extended for a year (apply as soon as you know they want to do this).

You really shouldn't rely on CMS, or should have a plan for when it stops, your ex could die or be sick and stop working and it would stop immediately.

Danikm151 · 02/11/2022 08:28

Stop depending on money.
you can’t take him to court for more money after she turns 18. She will be an adult

big props to him for paying every month considering he doesn’t see her. He’s doing the right thing, don’t try and force him to do more.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/11/2022 08:29

This is the same for everyone - my eldest is almost 17 and when he turns 18 CM and CB for him will stop. I have recently got a better paying job but I will still struggle and at 18, he will not be contributing significantly to the household as he will still be at college. I'll have to manage, just as everyone else does I guess. His dad isn't a complete loser fortunately and will still help out with them both after 18 but not in a formal way, as per the terms of our divorce.

TheKeatingFive · 02/11/2022 08:31

Not buying this one - sorry

FloydPepper · 02/11/2022 08:33

Absolutely a reverse

the bit about “I just wanted to know what support I’d get” gives it away

Hollypups · 02/11/2022 08:34

You have loads a time. Work on getting a better paid job.

Confusedteacher · 02/11/2022 08:39

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here - “cash cow”, “insult to single parents” etc…

Just because some men are absolute arseholes who don’t pay for their kids, it doesn’t mean that a man who pays the bare minimum he is required to pay without even attempting a relationship with his child is a saint!!!!

Don’t forget that child maintenance is based on the parent’s income and what they can afford- if £700 is the amount suggested by CMS then that is what he should pay, and the OP deserves every penny.

OP, as far as I am aware he will no longer be obliged to pay past 18. Could you get in touch with him and ask if he intends to support DD if she wants to go to university, for example? For yourself, now that she is a bit older, now is the time to start thinking about future proofing things for yourself. I get £900 from exH for 2 children, and I work part time. I wouldn’t be able to work part time without that money, so over the next few years I may look to going full time as the DC get older.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 08:43

I'm assuming that your ex is a very high earner? £700 a month is about the same as a family member gets for 2 children and her ex has a well paid job.

If it's through the CMS then it will be according to their rules. If he does agree to pay for longer then the money should go to your daughter directly.

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 08:45

This is probably a wind up thread.

luxxlisbon · 02/11/2022 08:45

@badassbaby This can't be genuine surely?
If it is then OP get real...your post is an insult to single mothers that have never received a penny in child support.
Get off your arse and get a bloody job!

Why is it an insult to single mothers to expect a father to financially pay towards the child he created?
Your bar of what is acceptable is very low!!

knittingaddict · 02/11/2022 08:46

But I will point out that the op hasn't said that she isn't working too.

MrsMontyD · 02/11/2022 08:48

My, now largely absent exH, has made it very clear he won't pay a moment longer than he's legally obliged to, I'd be surprised if many men who have no relationship with their child agree to continue paying longer than CMS will enforce. Bear in mind you'll also lose Child Benefit at the same time.

Testina · 02/11/2022 08:51

Goatling · 02/11/2022 08:02

I dont believe a word of this.... I do. My dh's ex has received full cm payments, never had a job, lives with parents, dc is almost 20 now and he is still paying. This was never a relationship and since meeting me has not been allowed to see the child.

And you married a man who accepted that? Fuck your standards are low.