I can’t stand one of my colleagues

[TimeAtTheBar]

And it’s really out of order of me because she’s actually very well meaning.

I am her manager and only started last month. I was meant to have a handover from the outgoing manager but she bailed on her notice. So this girl (and she is a girl; about 19) who has been there the longest has been my go -to for questions about specifics. I mean stuff like where we keep the XYZ. I had some training in a different site but not as much as would have been ideal so I’m having to wing it a bit; my boss is fine with this and I’m getting lots of support from them.

But this particular colleague is getting right on my tits. She keeps correcting me. Over tiny stupid things that don’t matter. She talks over me with customers. She tells me to do things.

It’s partly of my own making I think because I deferred to her knowledge in the first week but I just want to scream in her face that I AM HER BOSS when she pulls me up on things.

My current strategy is just ‘yes I know that thank you’ or laughing when she tells me what to do. But any minute now my last nerve is going to snap and I’m going to say something I’ll regret.

She’s also not actually very good at her job and I am going to have to have a conversation about her standards with her soon which makes it even more laughable that she patronises me.

im posting while on my lunch break, she hasn’t left me alone, every time there’s more than one customer she has asked me to come and assist.

Just posting for a rant really. I know I’m being unreasonable. I need to gently assert that I’m the one in charge, not her.

OP has been brought in to fix this "incompetent" team but sounds just as bad!

@TimeAtTheBar I think you need to tell your colleague how you feel. I don’t think it matters the age, wether she is 19 or 49 if you are the manager no one should patronise you.
You’ve been describing everything she’s done to annoy you on here, so maybe you should tell her to her face.
A colleague I used to work with who was 40 (I was 23 at the time) was so patronising to me despite being equals and always picked on things everyone did. I would say that unfortunately people can be like this but I regret not speaking up. I no longer work there, she got fired funnily enough. So it’s nothing to do with age imo

In what way do I sound bad?

Please enlighten me.

She is testing you OP

Was she mates with the last boss and now you have “taken her friend’s job” in her eyes? Or did she actually want the job herself?

Now is the time to lay down your authority and manage her. Be clear that her tone and condescending attitude won’t be tolerated. That you won’t be undermined and while you appreciated her support you have got it now.

This isn’t an age thing, this is just a people management thing that you need to manage

I think you might be over sensitive. It’s more that your feelings are unreasonably hurt vs her doing something wrong.

certain attempts of shutting her down will reflect badly on you. If you eg act short with her, have negative body language, or be micro-managey in response then you’re in for an awkward working relationship.

maybe say politely “Don’t worry about that X” each time she brings something up? But at the same time she should feel comfortable raising actual issues with you

I’m going to talk to her tomorrow.

I’ve been treading softly while making changes because tbh I need more staff than I have so can’t afford to lose any. But I do need to make it clear to her that my way of doing things is the new normal. And that it’s none of her concern if I drink coffee from a china mug or put the X in the top cupboard rather than the bottom.

You come across young yourself? And like this is your first management role?

Honestly if you were experienced these things would even register with you. You need to relax and not take offence so much. Respect goes both ways.

Honestly OP and I mean this kindly. You said it is your store and today was a quiet day. Your customers stopped coming in shortly after 5pm. You lay on the floor as your back is hurting you. Your manager rang at 6.30pm to thank you/check if you are still there - who knows. You have to complete your tasks before you finish up. You are working long hours and covering other people's shifts.

You have spent a lot of time today on MN when you could have finished your tasks and locked up. You could be at home resting your back and getting ready to have an early night.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day and your back will have improved.

It’s definitely a pissing contest for her btw. As evidenced by how gleeful she has been when I actually made a mistake (as opposed to her picking at me for non issues).

Why do you think she was gleeful?

To be clear I was home by 6, boss rang me at home.

I really just posted earlier to vent a bit as she kept disturbing my lunch break with nonsense. And then the thread took a weird nasty turn and I felt the need to defend myself a bit so kept coming back like picking at a scab. I don’t usually MN at work. Today has been a weird day what with being on my own for most of it and how quiet it was.

Because she was. Laughing and going on and on. ‘OMG that was so funny when you made that order wrong and had to do it again, what are you like? I can’t believe you did that, hahaha.’

OP it's not you, there are some strange posts on this thread. She sounds really annoying. I think I would establish the proper dynamic between you by giving her tasks to do, and not "would you mind.." but "I'd like you to do x first this morning and then let me know when you've finished that and you can move on to y". I bet she either wanted your job herself or was friends with your predecessor.

And actually I take back what I said in the Op about her being well meaning because as the day went on I don’t think she is. I think she’s got a problem with me.

Ah well. That’s a conversation for tomorrow. I’m not usually this wet, I think I’m just a bit stressed and exhausted.

Hi OP, sorry some people have been so bitchy. For what it's worth, I've had staff like this, in hospitality. I think a pp who suggested she may have stepped in to cover for previous incompetent manager is right, and it's led to her getting too big for her boots. Plus as you say she may just be naturally like that anyway.

You sound like you know what to do but when you have your meeting with her, do give examples of the unacceptable behaviour as you have already, and explain the change in behaviour you expect to see, being very specific (do this, don't do that). Tell her you will pick her up on it in the moment if the behaviour happens again, e.g "See Jane, this is what I mean by you being rude and overstepping the boundaries." I'd also suggest keeping notes of any meetings you have and providing those to her, so she can't say she wasn't aware of the required standard. If you ever get to having do dismiss her, those notes will be useful. Bear in mind you actually don't need a reason to dismiss someone under 2 years of service so you could let her go fairly quickly if it comes to that (so long as it's not discriminatory). However it's the right thing to do to give people at least some warnings and a chance to improve; I assume you company has procedures set out if it comes to that.

Hope you can get her to pull her head in - best of luck.

You sound tired. I hope tomorrow is a much better day.
I think your plan of delegating work to her (within reason) is a good one. Establish boundaries and keep her busy. Be professional. She will recognise she is reporting to you. If you don't already, perhaps tomorrow dress like a manager so its obvious (to everyone) that you are the manager.

Thank you.

OP I mean this kindly - managing people is a skill. Including managing difficult people. Being a manager brings a whole new set of specific challenges to any job and you need to learn how to deal with them. Lots of people choose not to become managers for this very reason but if you do choose the management path consider doing a management course which will advise you on how to deal with difficult colleagues and situations. Good luck!

And “bullying from below” is definitely a thing - but again, a course will train you how to deal with that.

Stressed and exhausted from being at work all day and spending most of the day on a mumsnet thread you started!

You posted multiple times every hours from when you started the thread. Work can’t have been that stressful and exhausting

OP I feel for you, not only for the situation but you've just fallen foul of the MN thing of the first few responses setting the tone.
So not only do you have the annoying colleague patronising you but a bunch of posters doing likewise.

I actually just read your posts as most of the replies are so willfully fucking irritating.

I hope your back feels better and you got the annoying wee brat dealt with.

Agree!

Have you had words with madam yet?
I think you have been very calm so far…. Please do update us, I’m loving this thread!

Completely agree.

Poor OP wanting a moan, and having to read through so many pendantic, moronic replies.

Next time op, ring a friend for a bitch, far more relaxing😁.

I’m also wondering how you got on today.

Agree with others…this is a stupid pile-on of a thread. You didn’t deserve it.
None of the posters here could be arsed with the wee twat either. Trust.