To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

I think it's outrageous and your husband is a world class prick.

It’s not how me and my husband live and I’m the higher earner, before it was him, we always had the same disposable income. But we aren’t you, you must have discussed finances and made an agreement before you decided to have children, quit work, work part time, what was that agreement?

YANBU he needs to step up and pay for his kids. Can you track it all on a spreadsheet and show him?

You are married.Surely your earnings are family money? What you are describing is very unfair IMO. What does your DH do with his left over money every month?

How did the finances work when you weren't working? No, this is not fair. And in fact is financial abuse. There's lots I think about shared family money (because a family is an economic unit) but the base line is he is not paying for his kids. Would probably pay more if you divorced.

Sounds like total madness to me. You're married. You're a family. Why don't you have shared finances??

As a couple and a family, you have a lot of disposable income.
As an individual YOU are living in poverty.
You aren't a family financially and your husband is financially abusing you.

This is financial abuse. He is a very very selfish man. I would be looking at what child maintenance you would get if you split up.

Your career hit was because of the kids. You took care of them so he could build his career. Money should be shared and spending money should be equal

This is financial abuse.

Situations like yours make me feel so sad 😞 This is your husband and you are a family. You're earning less because you took time out of work to look after your children, your husband's children. Presumably that was a family decision at the time, so your husband agreed to it? You earning less as a result is the consequence of what you agreed to as a family, not just you.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a rethink in family finances. I completely understand you might both want financial independence and to be able to spend your money on whatever you want, but that doesn't mean you should go without.

A much fairer way to split is all income goes into the join account, all bills come out the joint account, and you both take the same amount out for personal spending. You can have that in your own account so you can do with it whatever you like and don't need to justify it.

Good luck OP x

It's not financial abuse if it's what you agreed to.

Sit down and review your finances together. Review incomings and outgoings and decide what's fair.

Agree, financial abuse.
You should be pooling your earnings, taking out all bills, saving some and splitting the rest 50/50 for spends.

Why on earth is this "D"H not supporting his family? What kind of monster is he that he lets his kids wellbeing and needs like clothing and food be paid solely from your wages when you earn a fifth of what he does?

You as adults are jointly responsible for your kids 50:50 but that doesn't mean the costs are split 50:50. The reason your earning power is a fifth of his is because of the caring role you took, which is what enabled his earnings to be higher. Therefore 100% of both your post-tax salaries should go into one family pot which pays for all needs, and you both get an equal sum to spend on personal luxuries for yourself, and an agreed amount is available for luxuries for the kids, treating them all equally.

It's a bit weird to agree to procreate with someone without establishing these groundrules from the start, but better late than never.

It sounds like he views the children as an expensive hobby you chose to undertake, nothing to do with him

It can certainly be financial abuse if her options were limited and she wasn’t in an equal bargaining position.

Whay does he do with the 3.5k?

Why is he refusing. Does he think the meals aren't good value and he'd rather the dc took a packed lunch or is it about cutting down on your disposable income. Think about whats behind it to deal with it better.

I doubt the OP agreed to paying for everything while he pockets 5 grand a month.

My partner and i are 50/50, but we do not have kids. I firmly believe once you have kids that both partner's incomes equate to the family income with an agreement about how much each of you can have aside for private purchases. You need to have a big chat.

Sounds like you'd be better off divorced.

We are similar financially, except I am the higher earner. Everything goes into the pot and we agree on how much is spending, how much is savings and we joint pay bills. No way would I make my husband pay bills separately, what is mine is his

do you jointly own a home.

but yes he is an awful husband and father and I would leave

Really you both should have the 1000 each and all expenses come out of the other 4000. Do you have access to family savings as your dh must have a packet saved?
Can he not see..logically ..how unfair it is? Does he use savings to cover holidays/ Christmas? There is absolutely no way he should be quibbling over money for a child's lunch and no way you should be watching your cash throughout the month. Radical change is needed .

@PAFMO that's not what's happening, is it. She's said he pays out £2000 a month.