To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

Sorry OP. Honestly, I'd be looking into what I could get from a divorce and making a cold hard calculation about which situation I'd be financially and emotionally better off in.

@YeahmetooJill so would I.
And I would NOT be discussing it with him - I'd be talking to a lawyer. In secret.

My husband and I also have varied incomes for the same reason as you. We agreed I would work 25 hours per week so I could do school picks ups enabling our DC to do activities which left my DH free to put in the hours at work to progress his career mine has stagnated).

However, where we differ from you is the way in which we share finances. We sat down and worked out all of our monthly essential spend (household and kids), we then worked it out so that we both contribute but both have a decent amount of personal spending left over. DH does have more spending money than me but he always pays when we go out for dinner or on family days out so it works for us.

In your case, your DH out earns you by such a huge amount that even if he paid ALL of the costs totaling around £2,750 he'd still have £2,750 spending left per month and you'd have £1,100! I think you need to have a serious conversation

Absolutely this. As others have said, this is verging on financial abuse and is appalling when you’re a married couple with kids.

DH and I don’t have a joint account, over 25 years he has amassed more savings than me but to be honest the amount we both have is very decent and the disparity is nothing like yours and I have never been poor within the relationship.

People saying to divorce, you can and no one should stay in a miserable marriage but work out the finances. What does he do for a job because if he is self employed or can pay himself dividends I get the feeling he would screw you over.

Men like your husband always have extra spending that the wives don’t know about. For men with secrets, financial abuse is way of hiding those secrets. I would start digging. Truth is in every marriage, when you dig deep enough, you always find something.

what’s his spending like? Gambling, coke every odd month? Alcohol? Affairs? Escorts? I would have my antenna up. I can’t believe you’re in situation where you let this financial abuser get away with quite a lot.

This.

There is extreme inequality in your relationship.
He has, and continues to reap the rewards of your free labour.

I assume its because most women assume they have married a reasonable, fair and decent man who won't fuck them over to benefit himself.

I mean, you wouldn't have married him and be planning kids if you thought that, so from that perspective you can see why women are assuming they will be treated with basic respect and equality.

I'm concerned that some part of you thinks this arrangement might be fair.

It is unfair that in a family your life partner has masses of spare money that is 'his' while you have much less.

It is unfair that although he relies on you entirely to raise his children and run his home, you do not have equal access to family savings and funds.

It is unfair that he relies on you entirely to raise the children and run the home.

Are you lucky? By some counts, sure, you have a comfortable home and you are not worried about heating and eating. You have enough money to pay for the dc lunches and still have money left over.

But what could you have? A fulltime job, earning a FT wage and hopefully, in the future, earning more.

You should get that FT position. Treat it as every bit as important as dh's, even though he won't. Tell him that he can either clean or hire a cleaner. Sort out childcare. He will need to pay for it.

The economics likely mean that your household will have less disposable income, but YOU will be much better off. Because when you divorce the arsehole, you will be making enough money to survive and thrive on your own.

This is awful. You have a very abusive set up.
I'm in a similar situation but with a mortgage too. Dh pays for all the bills and food. I pay for extras but dh will cover those too sometimes.

I suppose I didn’t really discuss it properly when I had the dc, in terms of the finances.

But weren't there already signs he did not consider you his equal? That's he's an inherently selfish person? I don't believe all this just came out of nowhere.

Where is the money? Have you ever seen it? There should be thousands, demand to see the accounts. Then divorce him.

The crucial point left out here is what DH does with the money that is left after bills.

Even people with big salaries might have little left after paying out on their commitments. Is it (for example) going into savings for the children's future.

We can't really comment on this thread without knowing that (although lots of people think they can).

Also - I refuse to pay for school lunches for my children. They are comparatively expensive and not very good quality. I am not refusing to feed my children; there is a range of packed lunch materials available to them. Clearly based on this thread, I am an awful person.

This ^ 1000%

Childcare and children are shared costs as is food etc and that you work Pt to care for children and house and took career break to bring up your joint children !!

He'd be paying a lot more in spousal maintenance In child maintenance if you divorced as well as having to pay his own accomodation and living expenses

He is tight and VVVBU

You should have shared and equal amounts of savings and money left over after you've paid it should be proportionate

Make a spreadsheet of all income and expenses to include annual costs as well, there is a great budget planner on MSE

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

It's really great as it prompts you to enter all sorts of costs that you don't think about and includes presents, Christmas, haircuts, etc.

You can also record your monthly income. You can then start to work out what would be a fair split, and that includes both of you being able to save money into savings and into a pension.

It is shocking that he is prepared to put £500 a month into a holiday fund yet leave you potentially short.

If he won't agree then you might need to reconsider your options.

The crucial point left out here is what DH does with the money that is left after bills.

Even people with big salaries might have little left after paying out on their commitments. Is it (for example) going into savings for the children's future.

This is a man who doesn't even want to pay for his child's lunch. I think the odds are very low indeed that its going to savings for them.

And even if it is - the amount to save is a family decision, and the savings come from the family pot. The patriarch doesn't just get to decide on his own and impose his decision on his wife.

Currently, here's the crux of it.

You have £3000 disposable income a year,

He has £42,000 disposable income a year,

Let that sink in.

I genuinely don't think that someone who loves and respects you could want that disparity.

Completely unreasonable and borders on financial abuse!

Set up a joint account, all bills including childcare etc to come out of there. Work out the percentage you should both put in depending on total cost given the disparity in incomes it will probably work out about 75/25 for your husband to pay the larger portion. This will ensure you both get the same percentage of your incomes to keep for how you wish.

Regularly review this to make sure it's keeping up with costs etc.

If he refuses then I would be seriously questioning why my husband refuses to work as a team and keep you in poverty whilst he lives a comfortable lifestyle!

Of course it’s unfair. Surely you should split finances so you’re left with the same amount each!

Well said @FleecyMcFleeceFace - with the exception of the divorce timing.

If OP wants to divorce her tightwad, she should do it while she is still working part time. While their incomes have such huge disparity & while she is still carrying all the domestic load & childcare. It will give her lawyer more ammo in terms of extracting a decent settlement.

It's not even just the money. You do all childcare and housework as well.

He is abusive. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and / or Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Look up the Freedom Programme online. Ring Women's Aid or Chat to them online.

They will be happy to talk to you even if the eventual conclusion is that he's not abusive.

In your case, your DH out earns you by such a huge amount that even if he paid ALL of the costs totaling around £2,750 he'd still have £2,750 spending left per month and you'd have £1,100! I think you need to have a serious conversation

You should each have half of £3850 = £1925 left a month.

He is financially abusive

He doesn't value what you provide to the family and is happy to exploit you financially as he sees that as low value unpaid work that supports his Very Important career

You're married. The court see this as shared income and any savings and pension ge has will be shared as well as the family home- you may likely get awarded far more than 50% of home equity due to your support of his career by taking on childcare burden.

Your DH is appalling selfish right man and ought be ashamed of himself

What kind of man refuses to pay for feeding his own kids!

You need to speak to Women's aid.

He is financially abusing you.

You need to divorce him.

How you can look at that disgusting mean bastard, not to mind share a house is really beyond me.

Why on earth are you with him?

He is, I agree, a world class prick. His wife has a significantly lower standard of living than him despite him having £3.5k spare a month.

The trouble is, you don't really have anything left to bargain with. As another poster said, "talking" is only helpful if someone is willing to engage with what you say.

You could say that if he continues to insist on such an unfair balance you will end the marriage. But would that actually be better? Yes you'd probably get more than 50% assets and CM (but only until your kids are adult) but you'd have to pay household bills and rent/mortgage alone and I bet manchild would still not pick up any birthday/Christmas costs ... or lunch money. He's the sort that would say that's what CM is for and expect it to cover everything. I don't really know what to suggest, sorry.

Financial abuse plus he's treating you like a skivvy. Time for a very firm chat.