To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

You struggled financially whilst being a SAHM and saving a fortune on childcare expenses and your sat here again now working and doing the grunt work and your husband thinks it is perfectly acceptable to be left with £3.5k and you £240

I would leave him and claim CMS and universal credits. He is financially abusiver and not part of your team

I can’t believe how some men treat their wives and children. Joining mumsnet has been a real eye opener. You aren’t being remotely unreasonable you are just married to a complete dickhead.

This I can agree with! no matter how you split it up, I cant understand how the OPs scenario is even remotely fair, she brings in around 15% of income, put pays around 30% of bills - the DH is a selfish dick and I'm amazed at what other women seem to put up with based on posts here.

Wouldn't it be better to just transfer money to your DP's account until they are able to easily access your account?

@daisy46 I didn’t say it was an equal divide, no idea where you got that from. I said they should bear their pro rata share based on the amount of income they bring in. If you want to start putting a price on housework and childcare you can, but it’s minimum wage and will move the needle only slightly.

A spreadsheet is the only way to get to the bottom of their finances together. It seems to me that the OP pays for a lot of things her husband just hasn’t appreciated rack up (childcare, a chunk of the food bill, clubs, some clothes, saving for Christmas etc). People have taken this to mean that only she spends on the kids and he doesn’t contribute to them at all - I’m not convinced that’s true, but we really don’t have the details to comment. Also, how don’t they have a mortgage? If he paid that off while she was a SAHM that puts a different spin on it the whole “she lived in poverty” thing. People really don’t have enough info and are making some very bold assumptions!

DH warns much more than me. Both our salaries go into our joint account. We both withdraw the same agreed amount to our own personal accounts. I’m on a lowers wage because I took time out to be a sahm which I wanted to do and he agreed. We have all benefitted from the situation so why should I lose out now?

*earns

DH earns more than me and he pays all the bills and transfers some to me for shopping and kids stuff.

Bugger things we agree on are generally shared or take turns.

We have money and savings - neither of us are bothered by who has more anyone year (usually him with hobbies and nights out - me less so)

And to add I don’t feel abused because it’s all important the open and discussed.

So all parents should stay in FT employment to protect themselves from their partner’s selfishness and potential financial abuse? What do parents of SEN or disabled kids do?

If you’re contributing adequately and proportionately to bills/domestic/childcare costs then you’re not financially abusing your DP. OP’s partner is not contributing enough. HTH.

Dear oh dear, what a stingy, stingy git he is!!

Unbelievable. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

I'm a sahm and carer for our disabled 15 year old.
In our family all money goes into one pot, I couldn't live any other way.
We are married, we have children together and we are a team who both contribute in different ways!

I've never understood married couples who keep separate finances. Surely you a family unit?

OP my dh comes out with similar amount after tax and because of this he pays the house, kids clothes, nights out, holidays and spending money etc I think your husband is in the wrong why should he have thousands of disposable cash while you’re watching the pennies, it’s not on.

Why is he refusing to pay for his own child’s lunches? Why is he keeping the OP in such a vulnerable position? Does he not care that she’s on the breadline?!

Fuck that all in one pot. All bill's paid then savings then what's rest is split evenly. Your are a family and they are his kids what justification does he give for not paying for his own childrens lunches. I would be livid with him

This is what I was going to say. This man is an absolute dickhead.

Don't have a joint account with DH for a variety of reasons, but he has significantly more income than I do. I have a card that he pays off to use for things such as dog daycare (which is because I work, part time but it's a long day for them both otherwise), all the dog food etc, the supermarket shops etc. He uses the voucher tax relief to put money aside for wraparound care but I top up on months we are over that amount (again my PT work).
I currently pay for the storage unit our possessions are in until the garage is finally rebuilt and we give notice on that.

But he would always transfer to me if I need something and wasn't too proud to ask e.g. a big car repair etc. He also tops up my pension to its limit each year.

It is very unfair to expect you to do all the child and house stuff, catch up after a career break etc and sit on that pot of money,

Definitely financial abuse. The bit I find most nuts is you well off as a family yet are “putting away” £50 a month for Christmas! We are in a very similar situation and we just have a joint account / join credit card. Wouldn’t cross my mind to buy stuff for kids, house etc from that. I recently went on a spa day and used “my money” but really it’s all a big pot. It’s been like this since we met even before we were married. Couldn’t be with someone this controlling

Oh, ffs. Why are you married? Are you a family unit or aren’t you? Surely you got together to share a life together? Any money earned is family money - put it all in a joint account and then try to justify why one of you should siphon more off for yourself than the other one should. Or do you genuinely go by the principle that the higher earner deserves more from life? Or does he think you are an inadequate human being who can’t be trusted with money? Or does he value human worth solely by size of bank balance and thus all humans who earn less than him are worth less and deserve less, and all humans who earn more than him are worth more and deserve more than he does. Does he think that your children are actually worthless and do not deserve to have school lunches bought for them, but should go out and get a job to pay for their lunch themselves (whilst their parents save several thousand pounds a month)?

*Not remotely money motivated

All I have said that I don't agree this is financial abuse. The OP has the option to earn more. Her husband could go part-time and share the chores and childcare. Whilst there is no indication that he would do this, there's no indication that he wouldn't

The OP doesn't indicate that either she or her children go without

If the OP had stated that her husband earns a lot of money and she is given housekeeping of £X a week and when it's gone it's gone then I would agree. But in the scenario we're being given it's simply that he earns more than she does. Which doesn't equal financial abuse

I'd still like to know what the problem with a packed lunch is though*

I wonder in the DH, makes his own packed lunch.... bet he doesn't, coz he can afford not too, but it's good enough for his child. Selfish financially abusive bastard!

I can’t help but think that if couples don’t combine their incomes and share them equally irrespective of who earns what then they are not really a couple committed to a life together they are just going through the pretence whilst remaining single in reality even if married. If they get divorced the court says 50/50…

Personally there’s been years where I’ve earnt far more than OH and vice versa - it’s all been irrelevant - it’s family money that is shared.

OP, this is financial abuse. It can be part of a controlling and coercive pattern of domestic abuse. People often don't recognise it for what it is and that is demonstrated from some of the replies you have received. I wonder if your DH is unkind/controlling in other areas of your life?
If you are in any doubt that it is financial abuse, you could chat with WomensAid.
www.womensaid.org.uk/gclid=CjwKCAjwh4ObBhAzEiwAHzZYUyG3Rnmnm96hcyNOUqLdpo42dlW2PY7Ge9_cl7IRQOdAY1ZWedbUkhoCySAQAvD_BwE

100%

👏

As for @DifferentPlanet idea of well the OP should go earn the same, the DH should go part time (because it's always so easy to say to £100k a year position that you're going part time) it's just ridiculous!

The measure of this man is he's financially abusive, he doesn't want an equal, he wants to earn all the money, do no housework or childcare and keep all that money to himself. He won't share it with his wife, his children, it's all his.

No way would this selfish bastard want an equal, he wants to be number one and keeper of the purse.

OP should leave him and take as much of his precious money and pension fund as she can!

Maybe @DifferentPlanet if the DH is that savvy and clever he can earn so much, he should've realised that by being a right wanker he stood to lose it 50% by treating his family as lesser beings and his wife divorcing him.

Just desserts IMO!

Absolutely agree Random. If you are married you are a team and pool your resources be that financial or child care / housework which he would otherwise have to pay someone to do. Otherwise what on earth is the point? Being separate when married is pointless anyway if you divorce it’s irrelevant “who owns what” and if you die and don’t provide for a spouse they can make a claim and will succeed.