To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

I assume they are his kids?

It seems really nasty and unfair of him.

Do he want to have kids?

Nah fuck that.

Money should be shared when you're married - joint budget with the same spending money.

In fact you don't really have £240 as you'll need to save hard to make up your pension/savings.

Is there any option of moving jobs for better pay and a better role? Lots if businesses are really struggling to find good people. I managed to get a well paying role after a career break as they were struggling to recruit.

Why is he refusing to pay for his child’s lunch?

You are a team ...husband and wife. One shouldn't be well off while the other struggles for money. He should be saving in a joint account for you both on his income. You should both have an equal amount of personal spending money agreed each month after all bills have been paid.

DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc.

Let that sink in OP.

A man refusing to pay for food for his child.....

You need one family pot and distribute the excess equally after bills - how are you doing it now is clearly not fair - your income is only limited by the childcare and house running that he would have to do himself or presumably pay for if you were not available?

Agree.

Why don't you have a joint account?

This is outrageously unfair to you.

How have you got to the situation where your husband has such a great deal? He gets thousands a month to spend on himself? And other than the standard bills he makes no contribution to the direct costs of his children?

How did you get to the position of no mortgage? Was that from you or your husband? Or together?

I don’t understand your finances at all - why are you paying for everything related to the children? Are they not his children too? What did you agree when you discussed how finances would work?

DH and I have always had a joint account which I know not everyone likes but at least we’ve been able to avoid this - it sounds awful.

Also why isn't your husband contributing financially towards the children? Are they his too?

I wouldn’t be calling my partner a man if he was neglecting them.

This is what yours is doing. Neglecting them by not contributing to their costs.

My husband and I have always just put our wages into a joint account and discuss our spending with each other if we want to buy something big.

We agree an amount to go to savings each month for family holidays, Christmas, house improvements etc and then all the rest of our money is "family money" it goes on family events, meals out, clothes and toys etc after bills.

There is usually always a difference in earnings and I think this is the fairest way for us to operate as a family. Shared money has rarely been an issue for us and we have done it 20 years or so, if we didn't do it this way our children would rarely get a holiday or out and about as I don't earn as much and my husband is happy to leave all family events up to me to organise.

Why is he refusing to pay for school lunches?

That alone would trigger a come to jesus conversation about finances. Take your list to him and ask for his. How much disposable income he has left and what should you both do about it.

Id work out what CM would be if you split up tbh.

So what does he pay for his children if he thinks a school lunch is not his problem?

That's really unfair and not at all acceptable.

However it's not financial abuse. OP has money to buy clothes and food neither is it poverty when she as £240 left over! Honestly, the cries of [insert your choice of] abuse are getting as prevalent around here as LTB.

Sorry for getting detailed there because I do think your husband is awful for thinking this set up is OK and it most certainly needs to be addressed.

How did you end up agreeing to this split?

Why did you agree to be a sahm?

I think this is key.

If you don't have a mortgage and he has a company car etc what is he spending £1800 a month on in bills? You're paying for quite a bit of food, childcare, your own car etc.

Why is your money separate? I honestly don’t understand why couples don’t have joint accounts, for us any money earned is family money.

Is your DH the father of your children? I felt I had to ask because it is deeply weird for the father not to pay for family expenses. Does he realise how odd it is?

I can never understand that either. Marriage is about loving someone, wanting the best for your family.

This is shocking! How on Earth did this come to be the situation?

All money should be family money, bills and child expenses plus savings come first and you get equal spending money. Also you should have equal free time. Married partners should basically have the same standard of living.

I’d be looking at how much child maintenance he’d have to pay if you split up!

I'd love to know that too.

"I think we should have a baby, darling."

"Fabulous idea. You keep all your salary, I'll pay all the costs associated with the kids and my own personal expenses out of a reduced PT salary. That sounds like an absolutely fair arrangement, DH". 🙄