To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

What exactly does this prince of a man bring to your life? You would have the same amount of housework if he wasn't there, plus he would have to pay towards the children's expenses. As everyone else has pointed out, you are being financially abused

This. If you’re married and assuming that neither of you has gambling etc issues, why on earth don’t you have joint finances?

Presumably your years as a SAHM have helped facilitate his current earning power

No, you should not accept that your husband does not want to provide for his children. So he just makes money to himself while you're working part time to look after your children, look after house etc. and don't have any rights to his salary? You know it's not how marriage works, right?

Even if they did discuss if before they had kids, you can't seriously be suggesting that it's set in stone and she's got to work by the same agreement for the rest of their lives?

This is financial abuse. I’m so sad to hear you had so little while you were a SAHM. My DH would never treat me like that.

I read posts like this and I'm just astonished. How can you even live like this, OP? Bottom line number one is that your domestic and childcare labour has enabled your DH to focus on his career, and to raise his income. This is not HIS money. It's both of your money. I will never to my dying day understand why people who are married separate their finances like this, because it always leads to unfairness and bickering about who paid for what.

Bottom line number two is that if you divorce - and frankly in your shoes I'd be threatening that at this point - the court isn't going to give a shiny sh*t what your DH considers to be his own money. They are almost certainly going to order an equal division of assets, despite what he thinks he's paid for.

Wtf are they his kids? How did he tell your eldest that he’s not paying for his school lunch? Go ask your mum?

The issue isn't that they don't have joint finances. The issue is that her husband is an abusive prick.
I'm married, totally separate finances. DH earns twice as much as I do, and it works perfectly for us. Because we're a team.

I am in a similar situation but my husband is a very high earner.
I earn about £1700 and pay for everything (including all birthday and Christmas gifts) but the mortgage and bills. I’m left with about £400 and even then this ends up being used to take the kids out cinema etc. my husband also has a separate account where his bonus is paid into which I don’t have access to and I have no family or savings to fall back on should anything ‘bad’ happen.

was your husband single for a long time before? Mine was and it’s like he doesn’t want to give up the life he has always had financially.

I agree. I also don't get who would not want to share money with wife and kids so you can enjoy it as family... People are so selfish; some should never get married and have children.

I don't know how you can look at this man and think he loves you? Nobody who genuinely loves their partner would be comfortable with this disparity in disposable income when they share children and a home.

My DH earns much more than me, but I put 1/3 of my wage into the joint account and he puts 3/4 of his in so we both have around the same in our personal accounts. I agree with previous posters, tell him you will divorce him and go for a generous financial settlement if he doesn't change his ways. Refusing to pay for school lunches while he is sitting on £3.5k would be the final straw for me.

What the actual fuck OP? This is horrendous. You raised his children (yes yours too) and you ended up “properly poor”. Sounds like a mess to untangle tbh.

Dear God, OP are you really asking if this is unfair? This is financial abuse! What a pity you chose this prick to have a family with.

As for now stop paying for anything (yes seriously) and start saving for a divorce solicitor. A really good one.

Wondering this myself.

He's stingy but not perpetrating financial abuse.

He is a total dick.

For reference, your earnings are about the same as ours, but in reverse. We also have significantly higher outgoings as we have a mortgage, car payments, life insurance, pets (food, insurance etc), other insurance (car, house, electronics etc) and the DC attend a lot of clubs etc as that is something we think is very important. We also seem to have every streaming channel known to humankind! . I would ask whether your DH genuinely is only spending £1800 or if there are other costs in line with what I've mentioned above.

Having said that, in our house, once all the bills are paid, we both have equal access to whatever's left. I tend to spend more as I go out more often than he does and I buy clothes more often (although I am always banging on at him to please spend more if he needs to!). To be honest, I think he considers most of our streaming and excessively priced internet his "spending money" as he benefits from those a lot! . But the point is that he is not being penalised because he earns less and when he sometimes feels he can't spend, I tell him he's being ridiculous.

You need to combine finances. It is the only way to fairly account for all the unpaid value you bring to the family.

OP this is financial abuse of you and your DC and may not be the only form of abuse he is subjecting you to. How can a father refuse to pay for his own children's school lunches! That is disgusting.

It can be almost impossible to recognise abuse when you are lving in it. Please speak to Women's Aid. They will help you and can recommend solicitors used to dealing with abusive realionships if you chose to divorce. Women's Aid will not try and influence you to take any particular path so don't be afraid you will be pushed into anything.

I too did not realise I was being abused and only went to them to prove to my best friend that she was wrong about my ExDH. My eyes were truly opened. Also I an guarantee you will be better off financially if you divorce. But Di not give him any hint whatsoever and give him chance to start hiding assets.

There's a lot of men out there that need to realise they are actually worth more to their wives and kids dead.

A lot of people are getting a bit carried away here, you do not have to divorce him you just have to educate him financially 🤣

Set up a spreadsheet with the monthly outgoings. Include EVERYTHING, all income and all expenditure. Then split it so that you bear 1/5 of it and he bears 4/5 of it (which is roughly your earnings) and you and he can keep whatever’s left, i.e.

Joint income is £6,600 (5,500 him, 1,100 you)
Outgoings are £3,160 (1800 him, 660 you plus the 500 for holidays)

So he should bear £2,528 of the outgoings, leaving him with £2,972 a month.

You should bear £632 of the outgoings, leaving you with £468 a month.

Then discuss what he’s doing with the £2,972. Hopefully saving it for a rainy day/pension/projects.

Oh, and he’s a complete d*ck for not wanting to pay for his children’s lunch - that bit I do agree with 🤣

Come off it, he earns £5.5k after tax - so he's not stupid.

He's not unaware of his wife having no money.

He just doesn't care.

What on earth is he doing with the £3.5k! Does he know your exact outgoings?

Come off it. He's can't hold down a job where he gets the salary and benefits that he does and need "educating" by a fucking spreadsheet

That's not good. What is he doing with all the money he has left over? Is it in a savings pot for the family? Would you have access to this money if you needed it? Ideally both your salaries should go into a joint pot, but at the very least he should be contributing more towards the monthly expenses.

Also he left her in poverty when she was sahm looking after his kids