To think this is unfair or should I just accept it as I’m an adult too?

[Shortslothdancing]

I had some time out of work when my children were little as a sahm (biggest regret ever) and I’ve gone back to work in the last couple of years, 25 hours a week. I pick up about £1100 a month. Not great.
DH picks up (after tax) approx £5500 a month, he has a company car, a petrol card and a work mobile phone. Although he pays tax on those benefits. We don’t have a mortgage but he does cover the bills from his wages - around £1800 a month, including some of the food bill.
From my £1100 I pay for my phone, my petrol (I still do all the schools runs and taking the kids to clubs etc), my road tax / insurance, about £250 a month of food, kids’ clothes, birthday / Christmas presents (obviously an annual cost, but I try and save a bit each month) and the childcare bill for wrap around - it’s not that much, usually about £60 a month.
phone - £45
petrol - £200
tax / insurance - £50
food - £250
saving for birthdays and Christmas - £50
childcare - £60
clothes for children - varies but I usually allow approx £50 a month as one child is now a teenager and there are three of them.

pocket money for all three dc - £80
This comes to around £800 leaving me about £300 a month. DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc. Two younger ones have sandwiches. The oldest likes to get lunch with his mates at school. This is about £15 a week, so it’ll be another £60 a month.

this will leave me with about £240. I’m sure that is loads to a lot of people at the moment and I probably shouldn’t be complaining but it feels unfair that I am tracking every leftover penny vs DH with his £3.5k left after household bills.
I do all the housework and childcare even though I work 25 hours.
yanbu - yes it’s unfair
yabu - you’re an adult and responsible for yourself and should increase your hours / work harder / take a second job and count yourself lucky that you are overall in a fortunate financial situation.

Excellent summary. It's also such a pity that your greatest regret is being a sahm and remember it's your husband's actions which are causing this really sad regret. I'm assuming you're also enabling him to earn this great salary in that you're doing the household admin and nurturing him and the family.

He’s still being left with 3.5K a month while OP only has a few hundred. He might be paying out 2K but she is paying a significantly higher proportion of her income towards things.

OP, I find it bizarre and deeply unfair that his money and yours isn’t pooled so you can both enjoy a similar standard of living considering you’re a family . How does that actually work out in practice? If you go out to eat do you choose a cheaper place because you can’t afford it although he can? Who pays for family holidays?

You said you save up for presents but does he buy his own presents too for the kids? If not they’re actually missing out. I’m sure you try your best and the kids love your presents, but the money he could contribute to presents is obviously a lot more. If he doesn’t, will this continue on when the kids became young adults and need some help with uni fees, driving lessons etc? There’s only so much you can do on your salary. I really hope he steps up

I just feel if he wants separate money he shouldn’t have married and let a woman be a SAHM to look after his kids.

Assuming DH is father to all children , even if he isn’t when he married you they became his joint responsibility anyway.
he should be covering the lions share of all costs . Proportionate to your incomes so about 4/5 of everything. That’s a nice income and you’re mortgage free so you should be very comfortable and not have to scrimp at all. Ask yourself what type of husband does this?
for context , mine hands me ( the smart budgeter) 60% of his salary plus he pays all vehicle related costs including insurance . My contributions range from almost nothing to 50/50 over the years depending on my income and whether I was at home or working or studying the money in my pocket remained the same .I’ve never gone without even on his comparatively modest salary . What the hell is he doing with the rest of that money?

Are you legally married?

I too would be interested to know what he does with his "spare" 3.5k every month. Why don't you have access to "his" money to feed the family, put petrol in the car for school runs and pay for ASC?

Also, you've got no mortgage and your monthly household bills are still £1800???! Are your children in private school?

Your husband is a world-class shitbag.

DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc

What an appalling specimen. He earns a high salary and is married with children, but he begrudges them the money for lunch?

The financial/career hit you took to be a SAHM saved your family on childcare money and made his life easier. There is no way that you should be the only one to suffer any financial detriment from it.

This setup is all kinds of wrong. You'd be better off if you divorced.

YANBU. I out earn my husband substantially and we keep semi separate finances but the outcome is that his contributions are fixed and I pick up all the rest including all holidays, meals out, kids costs.

Looking ahead, what discussion/expectations do you have re pensions? He’s presumably built up a substantial pot and if you were out of work I’d assume you haven’t. What about any inheritance you both might expect? Would the be “his”/“yours” or an expectation to share?

Whether you stay or go you need to arm yourself with a lot more knowledge and assert your rights.

Yeah you know its wrong. We can day tell him he has to pay lunches, childcare, food etc. Stop feeding him, doing his washing etc. But in reality he's being a twat. Remind him that his additional £3500 is half yours as you a legally married (I assume) and that he needs to start shuffling more of it towards supporting his kids. Otherwise divorce is going to be expensive for him!

Jesus. I don’t even know where to start, OP

His actions are telling you everything you need to know about how he feels in regard to you and your children. Take notice as down the line this could have very large consequences for you.

Dh and I have never had a joint account or looked at it as family money. I earn more than he does and for the years I was pt I earned the same as his ft wage.

What we did do is start a joint account (just in one of our banks) which we both pay £250 plus the family allowance into. That covers childcare, clothes, birthdays and christmas and sometimes holidays too.
As the higher earner (not to the degree of your difference) I pay for the days out I take the kids on and any treats.

I pay certain Bill's and dh pays other Bill's. I buy the food most of the time.

It evens out and we are happy.
Your dh needs to start contributing to the childcare and children costs more.

(Petrol seems high ..how many miles is tour school run if you are spending 200 a month??)

It doesn’t sound like it evens out.

What everyone else said. Plus you also need to take into account the likely inequality in your pension arrangements, because he's probably got loads of savings and unless something similar has been set up for you, you probably have little except the state pension.

Tell him you want to pool all your money to cover all household and costs related to DC, including most of what you are currently paying for, including all your motoring and mobile costs because they're basic household expenses, especially as you mainly use your car running DC around and going to work.

You also need to be putting a lot of your earnings into a pension to catch up with him if you don't already have a private pension.

After all joint costs have been covered, split what's left 50/50 so you have the same personal money to spend on your own discretionary costs like clothes, hobbies, going out with friends or personal savings.

If he won't agree to the above, file for divorce and take half of property/pension assets plus maintenance for DC.

I’ve counted in the £1800
around £300 food bill
gas / electricity / council tax / water / tv / WiFi etc which is around £1k all in
and then he puts about £500 into a holiday fund account.

when I was a sahm I was properly poor and had a set amount a month.
I suppose I didn’t really discuss it properly when I had the dc, in terms of the finances. He made some promises which he didn’t keep and I ended up struggling quite hard financially.

They are his dc and we are married.

Divorce him, sell the house, split the proceeds, get CMS set up and live happily ever after. You'll be in a far better position financially than you are now.

If you didn't discuss it prekids and have gone along with it for this long then now is the time ti stop being a door mat.

Stand up for yourself. If he won't agree to share costs appropriately then you have 2 choices. Leave or keep putting up with If.

If he's arguing he should not have to pay for the kids' lunches then there ain't no fixing what is wrong with him.

(Always amazes me how many people think you can solve all problems by 'talking'. This assumes you always have reasonable, fair and empathetic people talking and listening to each other. Yes, quite often, this is not the case.)

Sorry OP. Honestly, I'd be looking into what I could get from a divorce and making a cold hard calculation about which situation I'd be financially and emotionally better off in.

What specific reason has he given for wanting to stop paying for his child's school lunches when he has £3.5k left after bills?!

I would guess he's putting a huge amount into a pension otherwise I don't see how he can be getting through that amount each month.

Whether you label it financial abuse or not, he's a massive prick and I genuinely don't see how anyone could love you if they treat you this way.

And sorry but he's a shit dad. He'd rather his kids and their mum went without when he's sitting on that amount of disposable income. Vile.

Did you have a church wedding? ‘With my worldly goods I thee endow’ isn’t a bad place to start in a life partnership.

DH is now refusing to pay for school lunches for oldest dc.

He won't pay for his own child's lunch?
What the FUCK is his reasoning for that?
In what other ways does he demonstrate how little he gives a shit for his family?

How could he let you struggle financially when he has that salary each month? I'd love to know his thought processes and how he justifies it to himself.

I couldn't live like that, I know families work out their finances in all sorts of ways but this is just awful. I've never said this on Mumsnet before but I'd leave him.

when I was a sahm I was properly poor and had a set amount a month.
I suppose I didn’t really discuss it properly when I had the dc, in terms of the finances. He made some promises which he didn’t keep and I ended up struggling quite hard financially.*

But WHY have you allowed it to continue? This is so unfair, and over X number of months/years you have done nothing to address it?

What a bastard. I agree you're being financially abused. What is he doing with all that money while you pinch pennies and clothe your children. While doing all the household chores and care giving.

Get some advice on what you would receive in a divorce settlement.

I suppose I didn’t really discuss it properly when I had the dc, in terms of the finances.

I am always so baffled when I read this.
I swear couples put more discussion into buying a new toaster than planning having children.