To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

No it wasn’t. It was some boys he knows - he is particularly good friends with one of the guests, but not really with the host. They aren’t a group where only two children are being excluded. They’re basically just classmates who live near each other.

Exactly this. And the party was clearly organised before the other mum set up a random WhatsApp group of local mums she happens to know but whose children aren't friends with her own child or yours.
As I said in my own comment above, this is NOT a case of 2 children in a group of 10 being excluded. There was no such group. And they're secondary school children. The only mum here who has tried to organise her and other children's lives is the one who set up the WhatsApp group. With good intentions, and if the others hadn't already had other plans it could have worked (but may have been awkward as 12-year-olds don't like to be told by their mums who to go trick-or-treating with.
OP, again, I totally understand that you're upset, but you absolutely don't need to feel that you can't go out in your own neighbourhood. Nobody has deliberately excluded your son. He just wasn't invited to a party at the house of someone he isn't friends with. One child he is friends with (or at least you're friends with the mum) was invited this party. That's not usually a reason to expect an invitation.

God - you're not being unreasonable at all. I'm so sorry. It hurts so much, doesn't it. Your son sounds absolutely lovely. [and I know that means it hurts even more]. What absolute pieces of work those other parents sound.

So unkind. What the hell is wrong with some people????😡

I'm not even sure they're class mates. They're just children who happen to live in the same local area. OP said that she knows one mum well as their children are at the same school (but she hasn't even said that her son is particularly close to this boy). Otherwise it seems like a fairly random group that the WhatsApp mum was hoping to bring together. Would have been nice if it had worked, but it's hardly unreasonable that a child they aren't close with happened to have organised a party prior to this and invited their own friends?

Omg, this is horrible, I am so sorry for you, the other mum and your 2 kidsI It's so blatant. Even if arrangements were made without your knowledge why does it matter so much to EXCLUDE 2 kids when you both were actively wanting to help and take part? How on earth do those other mums think their actions and behaviour were ok?

I haven't read the whole thread, but whilst I understand your hurt for your son, I really can't fathom why parents are organising 12 year olds social lives? Speaking as a parent of a now 16 and 17 year old, once they'd left primary school I didn't get involved in their friendhips or feel the need to befriend their friends parents. Friendhip groups chage for kids. Also 12 year old are a bit old for tick or treating in my honest opinion and for being walked around by parents, unless you are living in a particualry rough area.
Being excluded is always painful, but everyones had it at some point, its painful but can build some resiliance. Persue your adult friendhips away from the kids friendhips, they will certainly change and evolve. I have mum firnds where my kids are no longer besties with their kids, as the kids can make their own choices as to who to be friends with as can the adults. Likewise some of my kids friends I don't like the parents, but thats Ok too. kids choose their own friends.

No they may not be! On rereading the op, I sort of just assumed they were. Either way they aren’t close friends, and it’s not really out of left field to discover someone you know but aren’t really close with didn’t invite you to a small party for their friends.

This is good advice. Although I have to say that sometimes friends have to make a stand. If it had been me and it was clear my close friend had been excluded from a group I was included in, and I didn’t agree with the reasoning I would (1) request that they be included and if that didn’t work I would (2) decline the invite and organise my own thing with the excluded friend. Exclusion ONLY works if everyone goes along with it. If you are firm that you don’t participate then that becomes the norm.

OP, again, I totally understand that you're upset, but you absolutely don't need to feel that you can't go out in your own neighbourhood. Nobody has deliberately excluded your son. He just wasn't invited to a party at the house of someone he isn't friends with. One child he is friends with (or at least you're friends with the mum) was invited this party. That's not usually a reason to expect an invitation

This is what I read the situation as. Although the friend was being cagey, but maybe that is because it wasn't actually her place to invite the OP's son.

Heck, maybe I am truly wrong with what I am about to say but maybe the friend could have led the group to the house to say hi and introduce them (they are 12, after all). We'll never know but it's all speculation about people's intentions at this point.

I completely agree - both that 12-year-olds organise their own social lives and that they're getting too old for Trick-or-Treating. At that age mine preferred to stay home to spook visitors and hand out treats, sometimes inviting a group of friends over.
The weird thing in this story that almost everyone seems to be missing (unless I've completely misread OP's posts) is that these children aren't even friends, nor are the mums! OP's child knows one of the guests invited to the party and the other one who wasn't invited, but is not friends with the host, or with the others. OP doesn't seem to know the other mums either apart from the one whose child is at the same school as her DS.
Again: it's not a case of 2 children in a group of 10 being "excluded" - there was no such group until the other mum set up a WhatsApp group suggesting that this random group of children go trick-or-treating together. I'm guessing her child may find socialising difficult, especially as they were so upset at being turned down that they wouldn't go trick-or-treating with OP's son - but at 12 it's unlikely to work for Mum to organise a group of friends. They're at secondary school, not primary.

I didn't have friends - only kids I played with or knew at school - until I got into upper 6th form, and I'm glad I didn't. My parents weren't friends with other groups or friends with other kids' parents either. It sounds a meanies' minefield.

Now I completely avoid 'friendship groups'. I think this is as a direct result of my childhood experiences. I don't have children, but the thought of only having friends from a large group as an adult - even more so if that includes couples - horrifies me. So much potential for drama, exclusion and game playing.

I have a lot of friends from various sources, and sometimes meet up with three or four of them at a time, but in no way are they friendship groups.

10 strapping almost teens may scare /shock some houses knocking on the door

I’ve never liked huge groups of older kids for t&t

is Ds good friends with the boy where it started and snacks were

maybe his mum said choose 7 friends then 8 of then

agree if all 10 are usually good friends ans meet up etx does seem a bit mean to exclude 2

and yes assume they get theirselves to school daily , they don’t need a chaperone walking round the streets with them

obviously remind me of this in 7yrs time when dd5 wants to go alone

Shocking. I feel for the 2 boys. Adults should know better than to exclude 2 boys. Don’t you be embarrassed you did nothing wrong. So cruel

But why??? These children aren't friends or even class mates. They literally have nothing in common except that they all happen to live in the same area. OP's son doesn't even seem to know the host or most of the others. He's friendly with ONE of the guests at the party who goes to the same school. OP is friendly with this boy's mum, but doesn't really seem to know the other mums either.
It's hardly excluding two children if a child invites 7 local friends to a party but doesn't invite a couple of random local children that they aren't friends with!
The Mum who started the WhatsApp group meant well, but seems to have created an expectation that they were all somehow now a group of 10 friends - they're not.
My DS had a Halloween party last weekend, with a group of friends that HE invited. I'd have found it very strange if some neighbour had asked if their child and one other (who mine doesn't really know) could join in, just because they happen to be friends with one of my DS' guests! That's exactly what seems to have happened here. And they're 12, not 5 so really shouldn't need Mum to organise things like this - that rarely ends well (as in this case).

I'm so torn about this one as a parent who had a Halloween party on Monday and didn't invite every child from the class, purely on the basis that we have a small house and I could barely fit the 8 children we had in there, much less the 26 in the whole class! I didn't post it anywhere on social media for other parents to see though. Unfortunately, there are going to be times that children get left out and at the age of 12, it's sadly one of those things they're going to have to learn. That said, for a parent to knowingly exclude only 2 children is really unfair and if my son was one of the 2 children I'd be devastated and disgusted on his behalf. My little boy wasn't invited to a party over the summer holidays and I really took it personally, even though it was a child I knew my child didn't particularly get on with at nursery 🤣 I also would have ignored them when they trick or treated at the house so YANBU for that at all! I'm sorry for the way you've been made to feel, it's not nice at all x

My daughter was the only one in the class not invited to a girl's party and said girl took great pleasure in telling my daughter what a great time they all had. She was 5. She is now 49 but I still cannot forget the sheer unkindness and weep when I think about it

These children aren't class mates though. As I read it, only ONE of the guests is at the same school as OP's DS. He doesn't really seem to know the others, including the host.
This seems to be a random group of 10 chosen by a Mum who Whatsapped other local mums to suggest they could all go Trick-or-Treating together. 8 of the children whose mums she included already had plans. That doesn't mean they were excluding the OP's son or the other child - the host and most of the others don't really know them, that's all.

That's awful! But this is a totally different situation as these children aren't class mates. It reads like OP's son knows one of the guests but not the host or most of the others. They just happen to live in the same area.

I had a similar shitty experience on Halloween - it left me feeling really down and foolish and that I was very much back in school and part of a popularity contest. I have decided that I won't be letting this happen again and will be shutting the person who made me feel like this out of my life as much as possible. This isn't your fault or your son's fault - people can be selfish, childish and nasty - find friends who treat you both with kindness.

The replies on this thread saying it’s all fine, no problem with the way this was handled, can’t expect to be invited to everything, get over it. 🙄 The same people who thought the rescinded invitation 15 minutes before a sleepover was fine, no problem, get over it. Mean mums modeling crap behaviour for their mean kids.

This is exactly what should be done. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out why or allow people to make excuses for the mean behaviour. Toss them on your mental rubbish pile and find people who don’t treat others badly.

What mean behaviour exactly? One more time: this group of children don't even know each other! The OP's son knows ONE of the other guests but not the host or most of the others.
Do you expect to be invited to every party your friend is invited to, even if you don't know the host or the rest of the group? What about weddings - if one of your friends is invited to the wedding of someone you don't know well but you aren't, do you feel excluded?

This is getting ridiculous. And of course it can't be compared to someone being actually uninvited from a sleepover (or for that matter, a party). That's a really shitty thing to do. Not inviting someone you don't even know to a small party just because they happen to live nearby and are friends with one of your guests isn't.

@OpinionsOnEverything did you invite the summer party child to your Halloween party

That’s delib mean @billycat321 🥲

either invite all girls or some of them not all but one