To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

The party mum
Ought to feel
Really embarrassed

Beside the point but don't encourage it next year . 12 is too old for trick or treat OP anyhow

People are allowed to have parties and not invite everyone. They had made the arrangement prior and, while I agree silence is a pathetic and immature way of dealing with the awkwardness, they shouldn’t feel
obliged to invite your child and the other child. Presumably there is a reason why they were not invited in the first place.

A calm and rational response from you and the other mum would have been to say Fuck em, we will go out together. Then persuade your children that it’s no big deal and they can still have a good time trick or treating their two selves.

This kind of thing happens in life. Blowing up and throwing a tantrum just shows your child that that is how they should respond to such situations. As a parent you should be modelling a better example of ways to handle their emotional responses.

The fact they came to your home is unfortunate but if there were no adults accompanying them then I can see they wouldn’t have the sense or the empathy to stay away.

So sorry. Not much more to say, it’s all been already. Horrible behaviour and I can never believe that a bunch of mums can be so nasty. Even / especially ones who have been (so you think) good friends before. The one time it really happened to us, I withdrew entirely, to the extent that basically the local mum group disappeared from my life. The “lead” mum treated most of the other mums badly at some point - although I don’t always think they realised since it was generally behind their backs - but when it was my turn I just disappeared. No point in any communication at all. (They had supported me through a divorce and then invited my ex husband and my kids to the annual mums’ week away. Try dealing with that one! And then the offending mum apparently said I had “rejected her”. Such a lesson in trust.)
So I guess - don’t think this is always about you: a toxic group is just not worth being part of. I’ve mentioned it before but I strengthened other friendships, including my kids, and it’s worked out fine. Xx

I personally would not exclude 2 boys out of 10. You don’t need these people in your life and more importantly nor does your son.

Rise above it but don’t forget. Karma is also a wonderful thing.

Encourage the friendship with this other boy and any others. As my Granny would say ‘they will need you before you need them’. You know it’s true 😉

Your son sounds really thoughtful.
We've had a similar situation and it does hurt but I think you are right to breeze over it, ignoring the pettiness and press on.
Maybe you should organise some more things yourself. Inviting a friend or two over that DS really gets on with and making it a really fun event. And maybe doing some simple games night for a larger group in the holidays with pick your own toppings pizza. Show them what a non excluding event looks like.

I kind of understand plans being arranged amongst close friends which may have expanded. But once it was clear your two sons were upset at not being included, I definitely think they should have just let them tag along too. I totally understand why you feel upset. My DD and I used to go on our own quite a lot but then she luckily found a friend very like her and so we formed a group with her family. Luckily she didn’t mind about not being included by a lot of her classmates. You have to develop a thick skin and not make a bigger deal of it for his sake.

How awful. Be assured that it is the parents, the moms specifically, who are doing this, not the kids. It happens all the time, one mom doesn’t like someone and targets them to exclude them, and pit the other parents against that person. Sounds like what happened here.

Not sure what best to do, but I am with you.

YADNBU
The organiser of the party is not teaching her child anything. Once the WhatsApp group was organised, she should have invited the two children (even if her child didn't want them there- sometimesyou have to teach children that manners and kindness are more important than own wants).

It's so difficult isn't it, my 11 year old went out with a group of friends (we live rurally so I took him to one friend's house in the village and then they met up with others and walked round) and me and my 8 year old met up with one of his friends and the mum to walk round the village together. As we were walking we met a big group of my son's friends and mum's (all in the year above at school but the children are all good friends with my little boy). It was a bit awkward, as I wondered why we hadn't been invited especially as there was a boy with the group who isn't particularly friends with them but the mum is friends with the older children's mum's so maybe that's why). We just tried to be cheery and said hello and had a quick chat, but I did feel excluded frankly and it was a bit rude as over the summer we had all the children over to our house to play several times, my son went to their houses and we met up with them at the park as well. But I have to accept they socialise as a closed group more frequently just that lot and maybe they prefer to keep it that way, and they went on a camping trip together that we were invited to buy couldn't make so maybe they all really gelled on that trip away. The main thing is my boy had a lovely time with his other friend anyway and I don't think he minded. If I'd asked them if they were going then I think they would have extended an invitation so in that respect it's different to your situation, but I find it hard that we would have to ask all the time.

If I were you I would keep the friendship with the friend who was caught in the middle and maybe ask her if she knows why your son and the other boy were excluded? Has anything happened between the children or do the others all do an activity together maybe? If not then it's probably the parents having some random issue and being mean. If so you're better off without them and I would just be civil but not friendly to them anymore.

@Pinkittens Great post

Agree that was a good post from @Pinkittens. I think parents need to be careful not to over-identify with a child they perceive as being unfairly excluded, or to project their own feelings of loneliness or slightedness onto them, when friendships do shift and regroup at that age, and are better for parents not being over-involved or visibly taking lack of invitations etc to heart and bearing a grudge long beyond what the children would hold.

Not an over reaction, we all take things personally when it comes to our kids. It was mean & id be furious

Who does that!!! That’s so unkind and to then come trick or treating to your house is just really bad form. I hope you egged them from the upstairs window!!! i would have been so tempted.

We have had this kind of behaviour recently. Parties with everyone but one child invited (the twin of a child who was invited and part of the group that plus together every day) and then others who were invited to a sleepover immediately afterwards so everyone who wasn’t invited…. Like 3 kids out of 13…. had to leave the party while everyone else was setting up for the sleepover. It was sooooo hurtful and I couldn’t believe it had been so badly planned by the parents. A couple of mums brought it up with the birthday child’s mum and the excuse was ‘oh I’m sorry I’m was so busy I just didn’t really think! And I don’t really know who plays with who these days’ . Which I thought was a pretty shitty answer but also betrayed a total lack of interest in her kids social life and or the feelings of the her kids friends (or in fact HER friends’ feelings as all the mums are her friends!)

unfortunately I think there is little to be done but cuddle your child and reassure yourself that that is not good parenting. I totally get the ‘being triggered’ and remembering being at school though… for me it was Uni but still the feelings of rejection are powerful. Try not to let that set of a chain reaction that makes this the same for your child. It isn’t. It’s not connected and they are not you and it’s not the same thing. Xxxx

I think I would hold a party and invite everyone but the 8 kids who decided to exclude your child. I can’t even politely articulate what I would have done to the cheeky fckers having the nerve to knock my door. Pathetic and shameful on the other mums, just why would you do that, nasty toxic cows. Get rid!

So sorry to read this OP. This is just horrible and sad for you and your son. I feel your pain, you are not overreacting.

I would have closed the door 🤣

What’s happened to Kindness? Shame on them - I’m disgusted and furious for your DS 💔

Jiminy Crickets

I agree with you. I think trick or treating is something for local groups - like a street party or carol singing. It should be inclusive. Everyone is going to witness it; everyone is going to enjoy the neighborhood fun. In adult life, you have events to which everybody is invited, like work Christmas dos. I think you have to prepare children for that reality.

Neighbours are being inclusive and friendly by dishing out sweets on Halloween - why should they do it to so and sos who don't want to enter the spirit by inviting everyone who is on the scene.

Mean people have kids and turn into mean parents. And there are a lot of them. Find some kind people.

There are a number of issues here. How do you know it was a party? It was only 8. Perhaps they had kids to tea before trick or treating. Perhaps they can only seat 8 at the table? Perhaps they called for your son (you saw them on the nest but didn't open the door). Perhaps the mum of your son's friend has upset them in some way and they felt if they asked your son then they needed to ask the friend too. I have never been one to subscribe to everyone has to do everything together and this isn't a whole class thing.

Something like a proper party at home then no-one is owed an invite (I say this knowing that there will come a time when Dd is excluded and I’m going to feel furious).

But a trick or treating thing, I don’t really get why you would exclude anyone. It would feel pointed, I would understand if there was an oversight and someone said “oh shit you were on my list and I forgot to tell you” but it feels like deliberate exclusion and then to knock on your door, it’s quite horrible behaviour.

I have a friend that excludes me and my children from anything else. She keeps us completely separate even though our kids get on great and go to the same school.
She did this at Halloween and I'm done with it all. She also used me and my partner as an alibi to cheat on her husband and out us in an extremely uncomfortable position.
Drop them all and enjoy your life without the hateful bastards.

Your son isn't bothered. Take your lead from him. He doesn't want you take a fuss or be offended. These are his friendships, so let him navigate them.

@rinatinabina the OP literally says in her first post that there was a party

before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to

they were at the party, then went trick or treating. It happens a lot where we live. My youngest, who has ASD never gets invited. Our elder two have been (not too old and attend student halloween parties instead).