To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

The parents were absolutely involved, it was a parents WA group and not one had the courage to speak up.

@Geebee12 I think your attitudes towards friendship are a little unusual.

You say as an adult that you host people in your home that you're not naturally drawn to...most people don't do that. What's the point? If you don't feel naturally drawn to them then there's a high chance they feel the same and just accept your invitations out of politeness - you seem to think you're saving them from the pain of some crushing disappointment, but that won't be the case.

Also unusual that your child has had 10 individual friends round for separate sleepovers...the friendship group must wonder each month or whatever who will be the chosen one to be invited to littlegeebees this time! If they were a close knit group sounds like a recipe for upset but perhaps they're not.

We have a large friendship group of about 20 and if i'm doing a party they will all be invited, i would never leave out 2 that i wasn't as close to- i just wouldn't. Sometimes i'll do a small dinner and only 6 will be invited. But i would never only leave out a couple.

Why is is unusual that over the course of 6 months or so, we have various children over to stay for a sleepover? They are a very, very close knit group and they all have each over for various sleepovers individually. Literally there has never been any upset or drama as they are all really kind, considerate children who are secure and inclusive and support each other. If this is because myself and their parents have an unusual attitude to friendship, then i'll take that!!!

I can understand that you feel hurt by this, but it does seem like a you may be over reacting a bit.

you don’t know the exact circumstances. At times we’ve needed to negotiate numbers with DH as he’s adamant that no more than x amount can fit in the house. So they may have said to their son you can have x amount of friends and your DS didn’t make t he cut this time. Maybe he will next time.

your ds isn’t that worried, so you shouldn't be either. Don’t feel embarrassed to go out in your neighbourhood. Just be normal and soon it won’t seem like a big deal.

YANBU - How horrible of them! I'm glad your son wasn't too upset by it though.

So a larger friendship group of 20, but sometimes you only invite 6. That sounds reasonable, but it's also possible that one or two of the others might feel left out isn't it? I'm not sure you're as inclusive as you think.

I don't blame you for being upset. People simply don't know how to behave anymore. I can't believe people think it is no big deal, although I expect that opinion would change if their child was on the receiving end of it.
The worst part was the whatsapp, that was the point she should of said we are thinking of doing something, do they want to come. But to leave the two boys hanging was just terrible
People have no standards anymore.

Well that's what's lovely about our friendship group, it's all mixed up so the ones that aren't invited to one dinner would be invited to the next - and we are all the same and act in the same way.

I try and treat others as i'd want to be treated and i wouldn't be upset if i was left out of a dinner party of 6, but i would if was one of only 2 left out of a party.

As others have pointed out, it's literally impossible to invite everyone to everything always, but i certainly do my best to be as inclusive as i can be - and my friends are all the same and we never have drama or upset.

Geebee does a great job of explaining our set up too. We see each other individually and on different occasions for bigger events altogether. No one is left out at any stage, because we take in turns. Our group isn't as large as Geebees, but we have quite a few. There has never been a drama.

The 20 is made up of couples, and the guys all go out and so do the girls and then we all get together as well, it's such a lovely set up and we feel really settled and happy in our village. We have a WhatsApp group and people are always suggesting things to do and you can dip in and out as you want.

Obviously some of those 20 have other friends (as do we) and then you meet them at parties and dinners and then they end up coming to other parties and the group keeps growing and growing. All the children are roughly the same age, all go to the same school so we do big summer and Christmas parties with all the families and everyone brings a bottle and a dish. It sounds a bit Darling Buds, but it's just how it is....and never, ever any drama!!!!

Geebee/kissingfrogs maybe I've misinterpreted your posts but it sounds quite prescriptive in terms of taking turns to see people, like you keep a spreadsheet or something! There must be people in the group you just gel with better, do you really organise things with others separately instead to keep it "fair"?

Those two examples sound like hell to me. I would only invite people I like.
At 12 their parents are probably just the communicators.

Jack wants to know if Geroge wants to come for a sleepover etc.

It's like the threads where cousins get left out.
Just because fate happened to make them live bear each other and their parents are friends. Doesn't mean they actually like each other or want to spend time together. And that is OK.

Yes, you've misinterpreted my posts.

Sadly i'm too disorganised and computer illiterate to keep spreadsheets like that.

And I have 3 children FFS, do you seriously think i have time for that sort of shit!

I like the idea of turning the tables...
Can you volunteer with scouts - soon can attend to age 14) then explorers?
Then it is you organising the party! And helping your DC meet a wider circle.
Or volunteer at school to set up an afterschool club - school magazine, litter picking etc.
When you're inco

... When you're involved in other, nicer groups the other people won't seem so important.
(although I agree they are horrid)

Hold your head high op, you've done nothing wrong, the organiser should have stepped in when your friend created a group, she was gutless not to. As for inviting the two boys, I agree, it was thoughtless at best

No definitely no spreadsheets here, I don't know how to use them. I might invite friend x over and then realise I haven't seen friend z in a while, so will add them on and maybe friend B as she could do with cheering up after her dog died, all very spontaneous. I keep a rough idea as to not see the same friends over and over again or miss anyone out. People are busier at certain times, and free other times. I have other groups that get together, girls only, men are only tagged on at Christmas. We cackle about life for six straight hours, as we have got older it has been a goldmine of wisdom and shared experience as life gets a little tougher as the children grow up/parents pass etc.
I am closer to some of our group because we share the same sense of humour or activity, and everyone has a place and I wouldn't dream of leaving anyone out.

I’ve reached out to the other (not invited) family to invite their son to visit with mine. They’re a really lovely family, so I’ll encourage more of this.

My son also took some of his Halloween sweets to school to share with him.

My son is ok, and he’s been a thoughtful friend, so I’m proud of him.

I find listening to Gayles abcdefu song loud on Spotify makes me feel better in these situations

So good! And a who needs them
anyway? Approach.

Your son sounds wonderful op!

I may have missed a comment so sorry if that’s the case.

This she picks their friends. Proximity doesn’t make a friendship. And throughout the thread you mention same class and living in same area but nothing actually about close friendships. If he isn’t part of that group it’s not appropriate to expect him to be invited. Arguably the issue was actually the group WhatsApp where presumably the other mum has missed the development of friendships.

it’s a hard lesson but this is life.

How cruel can people be !!. Rise up be a better person that your back stabbing so called friends. My heart breaks for you son😔

I would really love to know what’s going on in the mothers that love to play ‘mean girls’ and keep up these kind of antics heads’
Unfortunately I am used to this kind of behaviour at nursery level