To be so upset about being left out?

[Jiminycrickets]

Son (12) was really excited to go trick or treating. One of his friend’s Mums started a group chat with the Mums of several kids who live locally, trying to drum up enthusiasm for a local group to head out, I responded enthusiastically, volunteered husband to take the group. Nobody else responded all day. Eventually my (close) friend (who is also a school Mum) responded with a strange cagey non-response. I ended up calling her and she ummed and ahhhed a while before admitting there was a party, that her son and all of the other kids nearby were invited to, with the exception of my son and his friend (whose Mum had started the group chat).

The other child was devastated, too devastated to go out with my son, due to the awkwardness of potentially running into the group, and the mother got angry and ended up blasting the party organiser.

There was no last minute invitation to join the party. My son was left with no one to go with. The party group (of 8 kids) then came and trick or treated MY HOUSE.

What the actual hell? What kind of parent excludes two out of ten kids?! How dare they treat my son like that and then come to take our sweets?!!

AIBU? This is just such an awful way to treat children and neighbours! How could they have not had room for two more to walk in a group?

Im also really feeling betrayed by my friend for not giving me a heads up, I feel embarrassed by my enthusiasm to be met by silence of the “chosen ones”. She should have told me because now I feel like an idiot. And so awkward!

The party organiser also briefly had a Facebook story but then it disappeared, I think she blocked me from the audience. All of the secrecy and weirdness makes me think they knew it would be hurtful.

I just feel sick to go out in my neighbourhood now.
And like I can’t even feel comfortable around my friend.

Is it an overreaction?

It is disgusting behaviour.
If it’s any comfort, it’s probably the mums not the DC so your son will be fine once the DC get older and shrug off the parents.

It hurts for you too (it would for me) but it’s almost certainly one or two mums who LOVE this sort of exclusionary behaviour and the rest just go along with it because they’re relieved not to be left out. You do have friends so try not to fall out with them over this. Keep calm and carry on x

He really does.

Reading this and the other thread supporting the awful withdrawal of an invitation 15 minutes before a sleepover🙄, I really appreciate the large diverse group of mums that my 4 children have come in contact with.

They all had a core decency and kindness, treating the children of others how they would like theirs to be treated.

This type of awful exclusion we were lucky not to come across, even with the ebb and flow of friendship.

There was often a statement of having to ask the odd person to something purely not to leave them out.

All of their friends were like that.

I suppose that could be why they have retained several primary friends, are fond of many more of them when they bump into them.

OP, in your place I would be both upset and hurt that such ugliness was in our circle, and neighbourhood.

They are not nice people.

You know now and can actively encourage other friendships while remaining cool & breazy.

This type of behaviour always strikes as just so mean, and so completely unnecessary.
I can't fathom the thought process of women who think like this.

I certainly don't want them anywhere me, my children, my life.

And OP, whilst I would fall out with that close friend who prevaricated, I wouldn't be impressed.

I certainly wouldn't send my child to something that I knew my friends child was being unkindly excluded from.

That isn't friendship to me.

Not a nice situation, but maybe an issue amongst the kids that you're not aware of? Age 12 kids can't be forced to be friends, and not everyone gets along with everyone. Me personally I would explain to my kids in that situation that they either invite all or none if it meant leaving 1 child out.

This!!
What grown up purposely excludes one or 2?! Makes my blood boil.
Also, surely it is a good life lesson to show willing even if you aren't all the best of friends?! If I were in the group, I'd have had to say something.
It's not even mean, it's spiteful.

I cant believe they had the nerve to knock at your door! How spiteful and cruel!
You are not overreacting. BUT you have done nothing wrong. You have no reason to hide from the neighbourhood. It's the people who were in on this that should he ashamed!
That said, do the other parents know what happened, where they aware before the other Mum spoke out?
I hope you manage to resolve this so you feel happier.. Its a horrid thing to happen.

I feel you! A few years ago my husband took my daughter to the cinema only to find nearly her whole class there at a birthday party. She was and still is friends with this girl. I was so upset that she had been excluded...more than she was. She didn't care as she had a day out with her daddy but I will hold it against her mother for ever. Such a horrible feeling to have your child excluded. And I do understand that not everyone can always be included in everything but when it's your whole friend group is sad!

Very unpleasant situation.
I would take the excluded children to a nice outing over the coming weekend and post photos on the group chat/facebook.

Yeah. Know the feeling:(
I had to take my 12 year old trick or treating as well or he would be on his own too.

How dare the kids think it was ok to call at your house but saying that they may not have known what had happened regarding yours & the other mums sons being left out of the party. Their mums could have said your kids said they didn’t want to go to cover themselves.
She is clearly not your friend, those kids are not his friends, you are totally right to be fuming & he is right to be upset because the whole situation is disgraceful.
Don’t engage in mudslinging though. DO NOT lower yourself to their level.
Sadly your child is learning at an early age that adults can be @ssholes as much as kids 😔
Next year arrange something fun for your son, other friend who was left out & his family.

Very unnecessarily unkind! Bleugh!

You are well within your rights to been angry at your friend.
Honestly if my friend did this to my child I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them anymore.
Who needs enemies with friends like that 😡

Nope, you’re not overreacting. It was incredibly mean and unforgivable, in my opinion. I expect you’ll get some of the typical responses that your kid can’t be invited every time, blah blah blah. In my experience (a lifetime of dealing with mean women) it’s not worth my effort to continue dealing with people like this. I toss them on my mental rubbish pile and that’s that.

Let's be honest some women are utter bitches and when the school groups start they flourish.
You only have to read the daily mail ( I know!) article today on a divorced women being excluded but her EX still invited to all the group things as a single man to realise what utter fecking cows some women are.

Appalling behaviour - the women concerned are not your friends

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle than most of you it seems. I may be wrong, but if I've understood correctly, this isn't a group of children who are friends or know each other from a shared activity or similar, but a fairly random group started by one mum who included other local mums she happens to know. So it's not really a case of 2 children in a group of 10 being excluded.
OP's son isn't even friends with the child who organised the party. At that age you can't expect them to invite others that they barely know (or don't gel with) just because the mums know each other - or in this case, because one guest's mum is friends with two other mums who would like their children to be included.
Since there was awkward silence to the WhatsApp message I assume that the party was organised some time ago, before this artificial "group of 10" was even created by your friend. And since they're calling it a party, I assume it wasn't just about going trick-or-treating together. They presumably all got together at the host's child's house and were fed by the organising mum. There may also have been other activities organised. 8 is a pretty large number to host on a school night (and who knows, there may have been others who weren't included in the friend's WhatsApp group). Our son had a Halloween party on Saturday with friends from school - apple bobbing disco, scary movie, lots of food and snacks. We had strictly limited the number he could have to 12, which I feel was fine as DS's friends are across a year group of 80. A couple of boys in school who he barely knows heard about the party (not from DS) and asked if they could come, but he replied "sorry, my parents won't let me have more guests", which was true - but he also told me that it would totally change the dynamic of the party to include people who aren't part of the friendship group.
Of course, if it had been primary school I'd have made it clear that he had to either invite fewer than half the class or half the boys in the class, plus maybe a couple from other classes - but secondary school is different. So while I feel sorry for your DS and the other child and understand why you're feeling upset, I think you're being a bit U.
They definitely shouldn't have come to your house, but maybe the mums hadn't even told them about your DS and the other child?

Lol, a few typos in there. My DS didn't have an apple bobbing disco but apple bobbing, disco and other activities.

Youre not being unreasonable to be upset and angry for your son and the other child. It could of been arranged before and you know what tweens and teens are like with who they hang round with etc however they could've explained saying sorry we've made other plans to walk round in a group and feel it would be too many in a group. They should of let you both know but possibly didn't know how to say it. I would of gone to a different area and trick or treated there. That way there was no way they would be getting anything from your house and the kids left out could of had a great time without worrying about bumping into the other kids x

When awful parents stop being able to organise things like this then life will get easier, usually they lose control when primary ends. Your son sounds lovely 😊

That is so mean and thoughtless. Horrible person and very upsetting for your DC.

Another example of toxicity when it comes to mums trying to over organise their kids' lives.

Shame on that mother

I cant believe they had the nerve to knock at your door!

*

This. Begs belief

This is shitty, spiteful behaviour and YANBU. I’ve seen first-hand how bitchy behaviour from my DC’s friends’ mothers can turn very nasty and have a long-term impact. My DD was subjected to this when she was at school - she’s now at uni but struggles to trust and build relationships with new people, and I directly attribute this to the behaviour of those mothers and their DC.

So, a woman (who has a child that your child isn’t particularly close to) arranged with a group of mums to get their children together on Hallowe’en, and she did not invite your child, who isn’t close with her child?

To be honest, that doesn’t sound horrific to me. If it was every boy in the class or all the boys on the swim team having invitations handed out while yours was excluded, then that would be sad. But it sounds to me like this child invited lots of his friends, and one of those friends invited happened to be a friend of your son. But your son wasn’t actually close with the host, so wasn’t invited.

That would make sense if it were a birthday but it was a halloween get together with all his other friends.

I’m also not sure why people are talking about excluding ‘two out of ten.’ It isn’t two out of ten - that implies that these ten children are all part of some group. They aren’t. One of the guests is a good friend of op’s son, and she knows the mums as ‘school mums.’ That’s the extent of their relationship.