Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

[Chumbibi]

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

[Sophie89j]

i can’t imagine how emotionally and physically draining that all is for you, no wonder you’re run down with a cold and ulcers.
if I were you, in the day, sterilise bottles yourself while he’s there. Make up a feed, hand it to him along with baby and say ‘I’m going for a nap’ and just leave him to it. You need rest and if he’s utterly useless at night, try to make up for the lack of sleep your having at night with a day nap or naps if needed.
if he’s not working which from what you’ve said it sounds it, he should be pulling his weight a hell of a lot more with the baby than he is now. The toddler will thrive on helping daddy with her baby brother and it will help later down the line with sibling bonding.
While I’ve been on maternity leave I’ve been lucky that my partner doesn’t work at the moment, he lost his job in covid and now does Open University. Our baby is 5 months and has only just started sleeping through the night the last week or two (apart from tonight, he’s constipated and keeps waking himself straining). We both take it in turns each day to get up with baby first thing resulting in being up for getting kids up and sorted for school (13 year old and 11 year old) then the other has a mini lie in. Which ever one of us does the night feed if he wakes stays in bed in the morning for a bit.
Since he’s been sleeping through the night we’ve been doing a strict bedtime routine with him, bottle and changes, take up to bed with calming lights, story in his next to me cot, goodnight kiss and cuddle with love yous then we (also take this in turns each night) lie next to him until he drifts off. Normally it works like a charm and he started sleeping through as soon as we started trying it.
Tonight I am close to punching their father as every time baby finally drifts tonight, his snore hits the loudest decibel 😂😂
I go back to work tomorrow for my first keeping in touch day, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to function at this point.
Be strong and forceful with hubby, he will get the hint.

[MALJA]

I completely understand how difficult the sleep deprivation is for you having been there myself but I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He’s ensuring he sleeps so he can get up with your toddler & go to work to enable you to feed the little one. 1st year is tough for everyone and you all just have to do what you can to survive so you come out entact at the end of it.

sounds like it’s temporary with you putting the little one in their new room soon and then hopefully you can get back to feeling more like a couple than housemates.

I think other posters are being a bit harsh calling him a dick given we don’t know his side of the story and not every man is in the wrong all of the time just because he has a different opinion to his other half. Maybe he could have used a different phrase & not been so condescending though!

[luxxlisbon]

@MALJA I think other posters are being a bit harsh calling him a dick given we don’t know his side of the story and not every man is in the wrong all of the time just because he has a different opinion to his other half.

TIL that putting yourself above your parents needs at all times and ensuring you have a full night sleep EVERY night and she never has a full night is just having a ‘different opinion’.

[Same1977]

@Shandyinthejarro

Ebf baby who wakes a lot here. My dh sleeps in the living room and I do the night waking. My husband has a stressful job and needs to be on the ball. I've absolutely no issue with this, so long as I get to catch up with sleep at the weekend. He pulls his weight in other areas and is now the main breadwinner too so it all adds up. My husband is much more useful when he is well rested and overall its better for our family, even if it feels tough at the time.

This.My husband has never woken up at night
We have a system and it works for us.
He needs to be on the ball at work ,Smile, wave and pretend to be 100 percent at all times.He doesn't have the option of sitting down whilst baby sleeps.I need the breadwinner to have a job.
He takes care of the baby in the evening whilst I sleep and then at night it's only me

[cushioncovers]

His comment about you being lucky that he helps care for his own kids would piss me right off. However you are ebf and he gets up with the toddler in the morning so that you can carry on sleeping I presume? If so then that's a positive thing surely? I don't actually see anything wrong with your set up. He works full time and gets up with the toddler in the morning and then goes to work. As long as he helps out when he gets home in the evening then I'm not sure what else you want him to do.

But yes I remember feeling utterly miserable when I had a baby and a toddler it is one of the hardest stages of early parenthood in my opinion. Do you have anyone else who can help you out during the daytime? Does the toddler go to nursery?

[Charlene1marie]

My husband rarely woke when I was breastfeeding any of our kids. Tell him you need the room so the toddler can move! You don't need to wake him to breastfeed during the night as you don't even need a light on to do it so no reason for him to sleep in a different room.

[Conkersareback]

@CamelFlarge

@Walkingtheplank you are spot on.

I was full time SAHP, my husband working in an intense - but desk-based - job. Both children EBF, but he would do nappies, take turns rocking them when they wouldn't settle at the breast. With our first in particular he did a lot of everything bar feeding. Sometimes he would say "I'm so tired, I really need a full night tonight because of [important work thing]" and we'd do that. And I understood and respected that. But he also looked after me and would actually talk to me about what we both needed and finding a balance! He's not perfect, but we got through it. OP you really need him to listen to you, you are obviously very run down and at the end of your tether.

This is perfect