Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

[Chumbibi]

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

[Chumbibi]

I told him tonight that I don’t feel I have emotional support and his response is he doesn’t have the energy and that I’m always criticising him. I said to him that if he had had a breakdown in the night I wouldn’t just be ignoring him in the morning. He said nothing to me at all.

He was then going on and on about how much he does when toddler DD when up to him and said ‘shhhh Dave’ and put her finger on his mouth. I had to laugh internally 🤣

[Chumbibi]

Not sure what the doctor can say. I’m pretty certain I’m not depressed just exhausted. I need sleep but it’s that which I can’t get.

will try a bit more co-sleeping tonight to see if that helps. We do usually do that from the early morning, but I like to give him a big both boob feed so that I can give a decent chunk of sleep it’s best shot!

[lanthanum]

I think you could put the bedroom move to your DD in a way that doesn't make her feel "turfed out". Tell her that when she gets to 2.5 she'll be grown up enough for a big bed and not have to sleep in the baby room any more. Make it all about HER getting a new bedroom (but that means daddy will have to share with mummy and baby will need to move out of your room to make room for him).

If DH is doing the early mornings and can't do the night feeds anyway, I wouldn't knock that.

[brookln]

@PinkPlantCase
If being in his own room is against SIDS well so is cosleeping!

Sleep training is fine to do at 3.5 months - a lot of highly respected paediatricians advise that doing it too late is harder as the baby has already developed strong habits. Ferber himself advises training from 3 months onwards; I've read his book in the nights when baby wouldn't sleep.

Plus, I am sharing with the OP that I had the same tough times with the baby and how my issues were solved. OP is so severely sleep deprived just like I was so I wanted to share with her what completely changed us into happy and rested parents.

[brookln]

@Chumbibi

He also won’t nap in the day unless he’s on me, so again makes it impossible to nap during the day!

I had the same, and mine couldn't just be on me- he had to be carried around and rocked/bounced by me, and patted. 30 mins to get him to sleep, 20-30 mins of him sleeping with me pacing around the house.
The phrase 'sleep when the baby sleeps' used to sting so much.

[brookln]

@Confusion101

I suggest taking yourself to your GP, explaining you are at breaking point and asking for advice. You need a physical and mental health check. Best of Luck

This will take a while (app, mental health plan, queues to a physiologist).

I took my bub to several drs. The all say 'wait it out'. They're against meds such as omeprazole (most described for colic/gas/reflux babies) as it lowers immune system later in life.

For psychologist there was a 3 months wait- I've solved the problem myself by then 🙄

I just think OP needs a good sleep and rest, and soon.

[KenickiesHickey]

@brookln

@PinkPlantCase
If being in his own room is against SIDS well so is cosleeping!

Sleep training is fine to do at 3.5 months - a lot of highly respected paediatricians advise that doing it too late is harder as the baby has already developed strong habits. Ferber himself advises training from 3 months onwards; I've read his book in the nights when baby wouldn't sleep.

Plus, I am sharing with the OP that I had the same tough times with the baby and how my issues were solved. OP is so severely sleep deprived just like I was so I wanted to share with her what completely changed us into happy and rested parents.

@brookln you’re not alone, my 2 were born 1999 and 2001. DD was in her own room by 10 weeks and DS was so noisy he was in his room by about 4 weeks. Both were sleep trained from very young, I can’t remember exactly but probably about the same as yours. Excellent sleepers, in all honesty with hindsight I wouldn’t do the sleep training so young but I don’t understand why they can’t be in their own room.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

@Chumbibi

Well we’ve had an awful night. Think DS is chronically overtired. Been up every 90 mins and has not gone back down since 3:30 this morning. I’m completely broken. Just ran downstairs screaming my head off crying because I can’t take anymore. DH has taken DS downstairs and thankfully DD is still asleep (for now)

im just broken and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I just need sleep. It doesn’t help that DS only naps 40 mins in the day.

can you pay for a night nanny type person who can help me sleep train and just generally get it sorted.

Bless you @Chumbibi

yes you can get a maternity night nanny. I do this

they will come in. Bring baby to you. You feed. Then they change wind settle etx and you go back to sleep

once ds is 6mths they can help sleep train through the night

this doesn’t meant leaving ds to cry

they will also help get baby onto a bottle if you want to start expressing or using formula

I don’t think you and dh both need to be awake at night if

1. you are ebf and
   
2. he is up with dd at 6/7am giving breakie

[Blondeshavemorefun]

@Chumbibi

I have been trying baby on a bottle of expresses milk today but no such luck; will keep trying.

DH has an office job and works from home the majority of the week. I just don’t know how else to get a break. DS will sometimes co-sleep but not always and doesn’t always feed lying down (will often pull off).

I just feel like physically and mentally I’ve hit breaking point and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do next. I guess it’s that emotional support that I need from DH and he just doesn’t get it.

You need someone else to give the bottle of ebm

your son will smell your milk and want boob

whether dh. A friend or get a maternity nurse /night nanny for a few nights for your sanity

[Mumsy2022]

OP - I hope you’re ok ‘here’s a huge hug’ from one Momma to the next.

sadly, I cannot give you any sound advice here, only to keep expressing to your DH how him being out of the room is making you feel. Maybe he could compromise and sleep next to you a few times a week, just so you get some intimacy. It’s horrible feeling like he doesn’t care.

My other half didn’t wake up once with our two DD’s. It was all on me, Breastfed or Bottle-fed. He refused to wake up. He was a heavy sleeper too. We was both working for our first DD and he didn’t get up at all, just lay asleep while she was fed. She has a mixture of both bottle and breast. So it felt unfair and I was like a zombie. Second DD I’d left work, so I did all the feeds as he was working still, which was fair enough, I didn’t want him tired. I used to tell him it was unfair us both working but me doing all the night feeds, knowing DD1 as bottle and breastfed, but he didn’t give a hoot! It was all about him!

ill be honest, it drove a wedge between us, it made our relationship suffer because I allowed it, stupidly I pandered to him and his needs. Being a full time mum is difficult and a job in itself, you need to be strong and tell him how this is making you feel, or you’ll end up resenting him, like I did with my other half. I used look at him in the night while he was sleeping and wished he’d wake up and help. I was a mess while I was at work because of being so tired so had to quit.

tell you DH how you feel with regards to the feeling alone at night, that you want him there regardless if he gets a disturbed sleep or not. It’s called parenting and it isn’t a walk in the park. He obviously wanted children, so why not do his bit at night. No offence but I bet you’ve had to put your life on hold, so maybe if he’s really struggling, some compromise of him having three nights in bed with you, four nights in spare room. It’s only fair to keep your relationship healthy by being close.

all the best OP , hope it works out for you.

[Newmummy343]

Have you thought of going to formula? You're clearly exhausted hun and this way dh can help. I think he's being rotten you need time with your husband. I've got an office job and work from home 3 days a week. Recently finished maternity leave and honestly working is a piece of piss compared to looking after a baby 😂

[LemonBounce]

Sleep deprivation is so tough, I don't agree that only one parent should be sleep deprived. When everything is put on the mother it becomes hard to function, increases anxiety and exhaustion. Parenting should be a team with shared choices, not the father deciding they won't help knowing the mother will just pick up all the slack regardless of personal cost

[FooFooFloofyFoof]

Looking after his own children is not “helping you”. He needs to do the night feeds on the nights before his days off eg Friday and Saturday nights with expressed breast milk you’ve built up during the week if you can and ALWAYS get up to your toddler if she wakes. You cannot function without sleep! And he needs to get his selfish arse out of the spare room so DD can move into it! What a man child!

[Hollybobs1]

He's a selfish a$$. My partner works full time and loves sharing the night duties. As he says, she's his child too.

[Cakeorchocolate]

Haven't rtft so apologies if you've had similar advice.

I don't think yabu. Sleep deprivation is hard and feeling isolated and alone in it makes everything harder. You're clearly run down.

But it is obviously hard for your dh to help if you're settling baby with a feed each time. Which at 5 months old I'm sure you are.

The best way for baby to try taking an expressed bottle is for dh to try giving it. If you give it, baby just smells you and wants you. Might not work still, but it's the best way to try. (We used to get dh to try a dreamfeed when we were trying this. Although I found it more hassle than it was worth for me so we didn't try it long. But even if you tried a few times it might help you enough to get a little respite.)

How was your relationship with dh before being sleep deprived?
He sounds unsupportive.

[Lalliella]

This was the arrangement we had and it didn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with it. DH stayed in our room, but never got up in the night and slept through it all generally, he’s a good sleeper. For me, I was breastfeeding anyway so I was awake, what was the point of him being awake too? And he was going out to work in the mornings.

He would do his bit in other ways - cooking, bathtime, bedtime. We were a team. You say your DH gets up early with your DD so he is doing his bit. He can’t do night feeds, so what’s the point of him being awake for them? I think YABU sorry. It’s only temporary.

[Dreamingcats]

I ebf. Co-sleeping definitely helped me as although I couldn't bf lying down, at least I didn't have to get out of bed and it was easier to transfer baby from boob to bed - baby always woke up if I tried to put them in the crib.

Husband never did night wakings as baby refused a bottle, but he did stay in the room (he would sleep through). We do have a big bed though. He also would help pace around with the baby if they were having a terrible night - tended to be around midnight.

You definitely can get night nurses. My friend adored hers - quite expensive but she'd definitely say worth it.

During the day, I discovered by chance that my baby started sleeping in the buggy around that age if I went on a walk over bumpy ground. Then I'd leave them outside in the garden until they woke up. Worth a try?

[Dreamingcats]

Oh, we had success during the day with husband giving milk to the baby in a shot glass.

[Shouldawouldacoulda30]

@Confusedandperplexed

I disagree and see where he’s coming from. He’s going to work, your ebf and he also wakes up with your toddler at 6am.

what is the point of you both being exhausted? If you’re ebf you have to be awake too anyway?

This in a nutshell!

[Horseyhorsey3]

YABU - if baby is EBF then why do both of you need to be awake at night? Surely it's better for DH to be up and around with toddler and do the mornings. Can you go to bed at say 8/9pm to get a few hours in and DH looks after baby then he can bring baby to you when he goes to bed?. His attitude is poor so YANBU there, but he can do his hot in different ways.

I EBF my first child and they didn't like to sleep in a cot so we co-slept (I slept in a sleeping bag, no pillow and baby was in a gro bag to minimise risk), couldn't have done it if DH was in the room. It was hard but not as hard as physically having to get up in the night. I would have done the same for DC2 if they didn't have horrific reflux that needed medication.
The sling was also a godsend for daytime naps.

[CamelFlarge]

@Walkingtheplank you are spot on.

I was full time SAHP, my husband working in an intense - but desk-based - job. Both children EBF, but he would do nappies, take turns rocking them when they wouldn't settle at the breast. With our first in particular he did a lot of everything bar feeding. Sometimes he would say "I'm so tired, I really need a full night tonight because of [important work thing]" and we'd do that. And I understood and respected that. But he also looked after me and would actually talk to me about what we both needed and finding a balance! He's not perfect, but we got through it. OP you really need him to listen to you, you are obviously very run down and at the end of your tether.

[Goldbar]

@CamelFlarge

@Walkingtheplank you are spot on.

I was full time SAHP, my husband working in an intense - but desk-based - job. Both children EBF, but he would do nappies, take turns rocking them when they wouldn't settle at the breast. With our first in particular he did a lot of everything bar feeding. Sometimes he would say "I'm so tired, I really need a full night tonight because of [important work thing]" and we'd do that. And I understood and respected that. But he also looked after me and would actually talk to me about what we both needed and finding a balance! He's not perfect, but we got through it. OP you really need him to listen to you, you are obviously very run down and at the end of your tether.

This is how relationships survive and thrive. When you have each other's backs and you're in it together. Not when one parent is well-rested and has no comprehension about how exhausting, lonely and frustrating nights are for the other parent, who is slowly breaking down. Good people don't watch their partners breaking down in front of them and do nothing.

[Desenia86]

Exactly my thought . He acted like a selfish brat with the first one so she thought “ mmm this is nice let’s have another one so my life is even harder “

[Desenia86]

I think the first child spoiled you , my first and only is a terrible sleeper since day one and in the thick of it , when she was 6 months we were so sleepy deprived I got depression . You can most definitely get depression out of lack of sleep . Take yourself to a doctor ASAP , go on antidepressants, do find a way to hire or get help from family or friends and as soon as you feel a bit more yourself divorce that sorry excuse of a man you have in the house.

[MeridaBrave]

I think you are overthinking it.

Personally I would make a big deal with DD over her new big girl room and get her new stuff like new duvet cover etc. I moved my DD out of cot well before DS born, and DS slept with us for 3 months but DD (age 2.5) still told everyone DS took her cot and her room, even 4 months later. But a few months later she’s forgotten! She is now 19 and DS is 16! They don’t remember at all.

Given your DH is in the spare room makes sense to do it all at once - he moves back in, baby to cot and DD in own room.

My DH also struggled with lack of sleep when needed to get up for work, he helped most on Friday and Sat night so I could catch up on sleep at weekends.

We agreed I would go back to work at 6 months and after that night wakings would be shared.