Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

[Chumbibi]

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

[Lullabies2Paralyze]

O said UANBU but that’s about him refusing to sleep in same room rather than help at night. Unless you express then he can’t help out with feeds

[Daisychainsx]

I didn't think there was much of an issue until the 'you don't know how lucky you are' comment. They're his kids too. I'd have gone berserk if my DH said something like that to me.

But if you're breastfeeding this is kinda how it goes... you're only one who can do it so there's no point in him being up all night too if he is working the next day. Maybe express if that's an option? Then on a Friday you can have the spare room and he can have the baby? Maybe then he will realise how lucky HE is that you're doing that every night to let him rest!

[Unseelie]

@Goldbar

The problem with "there's no point you both being sleep-deprived" is that there's usually only one person who ends up sleep-deprived (the mother) and it's rare that the father helps sufficiently the rest of the time to compensate. As a result, you start to grow apart since one of you is at the coal face of parenting and experiencing the biggest lows (and sleep deprivation is torture) alone without support. While the other parent is relatively unaffected and doesn't necessarily understand what they are going through. Difficult to come back from the resentment this can cause.

This. I am several years into the resentment!! Once you’ve struggled so hard for so long and had your spouse basically not give a shit, it’s very hard to look at them the same way.

That said, to be fair, on the rare occasions that DH attempted to deal with a night waking, baby was livid and screamed the house down til I came. I suspect sharing night waking doesn’t work well with ebf but perhaps other dads are much better at it.

[jellybe]

I would be more concerned about what he is doing when he gets home from work and in the morning before he leaves. If he is getting up with the toddler and doing all toddler care when he gets home from work and having the baby so you can sleep/ shower leave the house for a bit with out a child attached to you then I'd say him not getting up in the night isn't an issue.

However, if he is doing the bear minimum with the kids when he is home and expecting you to have his dinner sorted, do bath and bed with toddler then tidy up the mess from a day at home with the toddler whilst he relaxes after work then He is being a knob.

[RedHelenB]

I think he's being reasonable, sorry. No point both of you losing sleep.

[Goldbar]

@RedHelenB

I think he's being reasonable, sorry. No point both of you losing sleep.

What about when the OP is back at work? Does that still hold then?

[Somethingsnappy]

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I would have found night feeding my two so much easier if I didn’t have to do the winding and resettling part.

If I could have just done the feeding part - even if I was doing the initial nappy change bit too (obviously this comes before the feed as you don’t want to ruin the post feed sleepiness!). If my exh had then taken them from me to do the seemingly endless job of getting their wind up and properly resettling them - not a half arsed job and then thinking it because my job again once their are allegedly “down” again. Then I wouldn’t have been nearly so sleep deprived.

So I think yanbu!

This is exactly how dh and I have always done things with four EBF babies!

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

@Goldbar

What about when the OP is back at work? Does that still hold then?

The OP decides whether she wants to continue BFing when she returns, then if she switches to formula, they share the night waking as they are now both in the same boat.

[RedHelenB]

@Goldbar

What about when the OP is back at work? Does that still hold then?

Surely baby will be on solids and sleep trained then, and not needing night feeds at a year old? So of course it can be shared then.

[AMorningstar]

@RedHelenB

Surely baby will be on solids and sleep trained then, and not needing night feeds at a year old? So of course it can be shared then.

Not everyone believes in sleep training and not all kids sleep through by 1 year. Several of mine didn't.

[brookln]

Seriously. This was me with a newborn for the first 6 weeks- wake ups every 45-90 mins, hours of settling. I was at breaking point.

We put bub on formula. In his own room. Sleep trained at 3.5 months.

Switching to formula meant husband did a 8pm-12am shift whilst I slept. Bub now 4 months and sleeps for 10 hours in the night cos he's full of formula, and is sleep trained to resettle himself.

When I want a full night's sleep I ask husband to do a night feed and I sleep in the spare room.

The happiness in our house is now back and everyone is rested. I really don't see the point of killing yourself with exhaustion if your bub doesn't sleep well and you can just switch to formula.

Two of your bigger problems will then be solved: 1. Bub sleeps for longer periods, and 2. Husband can do night feeds.

[RedAppleGirl]

When DP and I have a child, I've told him I'll manage the house and baby he must provide. So unless circumstances are dire he must sleep and work.

[MolliciousIntent]

@RedAppleGirl

When DP and I have a child, I've told him I'll manage the house and baby he must provide. So unless circumstances are dire he must sleep and work.

This is woefully naïve.

[MolliciousIntent]

@AMorningstar

Not everyone believes in sleep training and not all kids sleep through by 1 year. Several of mine didn't.

People who are so severely sleep deprived that they're "broken" can't really afford to "not believe in sleep training".

[PinkPlantCase]

@brookln

Seriously. This was me with a newborn for the first 6 weeks- wake ups every 45-90 mins, hours of settling. I was at breaking point.

We put bub on formula. In his own room. Sleep trained at 3.5 months.

Switching to formula meant husband did a 8pm-12am shift whilst I slept. Bub now 4 months and sleeps for 10 hours in the night cos he's full of formula, and is sleep trained to resettle himself.

When I want a full night's sleep I ask husband to do a night feed and I sleep in the spare room.

The happiness in our house is now back and everyone is rested. I really don't see the point of killing yourself with exhaustion if your bub doesn't sleep well and you can just switch to formula.

Two of your bigger problems will then be solved: 1. Bub sleeps for longer periods, and 2. Husband can do night feeds.

I’m sorry but this goes against so much SIDS guidance especially for a baby that young. Nobody should advise sleep training a 3.5 month old or putting them in their own room.

[aloris]

I don't understand those who are so absolutely against the husband doing any help in the night. Sure, he can't feed the baby, but he can change the nappy and burp the baby and settle the baby back to sleep, or, if the baby can't sleep, he can hold and rock the baby so he/she is at least quiet. Then the mother can get some more sleep. Even if he only does this a couple of nights a week it will make a huge difference to the mother. The insistence that there's no point him sharing the burden just seems very strange. I understand the argument that some men have jobs where they really cannot be sleep deprived, eg operating heavy machinery. But lots of men have desk jobs. I don't see any reason they can't give up a little sleep two nights a week so their wife's health doesn't crater. And the whole thing about some mothers don't get lots of maternity leave therefore this mother should feel lucky she has leave rather than expecting her husband to help during the night... those mothers who don't have good maternity leave have to get up in the night with their babies. Why can't a man do the same?

Given the OP has just said her baby only slept 20 min yesterday, I am guessing a lot of the night wakings are just the baby wanting to be rocked and held. He must be eating well during the day to be awake all the time. There's no reason the dad can't rock and hold the baby at night so mum can sleep, and only bring him to mum when he's actually hungry.

[Chumbibi]

I have been trying baby on a bottle of expresses milk today but no such luck; will keep trying.

DH has an office job and works from home the majority of the week. I just don’t know how else to get a break. DS will sometimes co-sleep but not always and doesn’t always feed lying down (will often pull off).

I just feel like physically and mentally I’ve hit breaking point and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do next. I guess it’s that emotional support that I need from DH and he just doesn’t get it.

[Chumbibi]

He also won’t nap in the day unless he’s on me, so again makes it impossible to nap during the day!

[Confusion101]

I suggest taking yourself to your GP, explaining you are at breaking point and asking for advice. You need a physical and mental health check. Best of Luck

[mathanxiety]

If you're going to he deprived of sleep for months on end while he gets his full 8 hours all night every night then he should be doing much more than 'helping' during the day.

He should be going pretty much everything around the house and shouldering the entire mental load of running the house. This is on top of his paid job.

You sound run down. He needs to step up and take care of you.

[womanofthemoon]

I’d be annoyed that he said you’re lucky because he ‘helps’ out. He doesn’t help, he parents, I hate this idea that if men parent they’re babysitting/helping, it’s so frustrating. I EBF all my DC, DH stayed in our bed and he did the nappy changes.

[NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet]

@Chumbibi

I have been trying baby on a bottle of expresses milk today but no such luck; will keep trying.

DH has an office job and works from home the majority of the week. I just don’t know how else to get a break. DS will sometimes co-sleep but not always and doesn’t always feed lying down (will often pull off).

I just feel like physically and mentally I’ve hit breaking point and I just don’t know where to turn or what to do next. I guess it’s that emotional support that I need from DH and he just doesn’t get it.

@Chumbibi he has an office job? There's no excuse.

Firstly practically can your baby have his naps in bed and you get in with him and cosleep?

I feel awful for you. You must feel so alone. Have you anyone in 'real life' you can talk to? Feel free to pm me, I have a 13 month old who still wakes up a lot through the night so I kind of understand but I my partner shares the wakes.

If I were you tell him you have had enough and need his support. I suggest he gets to bed earlier and gets a chunk of sleep til say 3am, then comes and takes over. If baby wakes wanting to feed, he brings them to you and then you go BACK TO SLEEP IMMEDIATELY. This way you are both getting a few hours.

It's not fair on you, at all. And you shouldn't have to give up breastfeeding, cosleeping, sleep train or whatever else people have suggested which basically takes the onus off the useless husband. He needs to step up and work with you to come up with a plan to support his wife who has not long given birth to his child and his at breaking point.

[NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet]

@Confusion101

I suggest taking yourself to your GP, explaining you are at breaking point and asking for advice. You need a physical and mental health check. Best of Luck

What she needs is for her husband to stop being a selfish twat

[Giraffesandbottoms]

In this house 5am is when the children cease to be my issue. That way I am guaranteed 2 hours of sleep in the morning.

can you say 10pm-5am you’ll do and he does 8-10pm and 5-7am so you can at least get 4 full hours

[Goldbar]

@Chumbibi, try a few different types of bottles. I think there are some made especially to try to get bottle refusers to take a bottle.