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Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

157 replies

Chumbibi · 31/10/2022 20:17

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

628 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
YfenniChristie · 01/11/2022 02:42

OP, I would work on getting DC to accept a bottle personally as that would free you up a bit.

Our DS is 6 months and combi fed - he has a bottle of formula, given by DH, as part of his bedtime routine. I do all the night feedings, DH is dead to the world whereas I'm a light sleeper anyway.

However, if I'm struggling, I know I can wake DH and he'll take over. He'll take DS downstairs to feed and will sleep with him there so I get 2-3 hrs unbroken sleep before he goes to work. He'll also take over when he gets home and will send me off for a nap for an hour when he gets home from work and takes over on weekend mornings so I can get more sleep (and he'll formula feed during these times).

Now, granted you have 2 DC so I don't know how easy this will be but can your DH take both when he comes home from work at least so you can get a nap of an hour or two? If you can get DC to accept a bottle, your DH can take him for longer stretches of time so you can rest more.

Shandyinthejarro · 01/11/2022 02:51

Ebf baby who wakes a lot here. My dh sleeps in the living room and I do the night waking. My husband has a stressful job and needs to be on the ball. I've absolutely no issue with this, so long as I get to catch up with sleep at the weekend. He pulls his weight in other areas and is now the main breadwinner too so it all adds up. My husband is much more useful when he is well rested and overall its better for our family, even if it feels tough at the time.

Msloverlover · 01/11/2022 03:03

I did all nights and then slept when the baby slept. As this wasn’t an option for my partner because of work, it seemed to make the most sense.

aloris · 01/11/2022 03:03

If he won't take a bottle you might try going directly to a sippy cup or a regular cup or spoon-feeding expressed milk.

SD1978 · 01/11/2022 03:04

I do not understand at all the idea that if the mother is tired from night feeds, then it's only fair the father is too and wakes up to hand the baby to mum for a feed. That seems like madness to me that both parents have to be 'equally' tired.

bananaorange00 · 01/11/2022 03:20

Everyone saying 'no point in you both being tired' but that doesn't make sense... why should mum be completely sleep deprived and dad get a solid 8 hours? If he even did one wake up and it meant she got an extra hour of sleep surely he won't be sleep deprived?!
From day one my DH has done nappy changes then passed to me for bf. On bad nights when baby was awake a lot he would also do burping so I could get back to sleep that bit quicker.

sashh · 01/11/2022 03:43

My old boss years ago had a baby, her husband used to get up and make her a cup of tea and get a biscuit for her when she was night feeding.

THAT is a parent helping.

One of my friends was both bf and expressing, her husband did half the night feeds.

That is also a parent helping.

HappyMarriage · 01/11/2022 03:53

I’ve had four children and tbh we have always worked it this way. I much prefer for him to have got sleep so one of us is has energy and it seems pointless for us both to be sleep deprived. BUT my husband gets up every day with the other children, brings me breakfast in bed, deals with any night wakings from the other three. And then when I want to night wean he takes over with the youngest at night so he has done his fair share of night wakings too.

you need to find the balance that works for you both and make sure than once the baby isn’t just needing you at night then your husband is getting involved and doing his share at night

Goldbar · 01/11/2022 04:38

Msloverlover · 01/11/2022 03:03

I did all nights and then slept when the baby slept. As this wasn’t an option for my partner because of work, it seemed to make the most sense.

Not generally possible with another child as well.

Chumbibi · 01/11/2022 05:03

Well we’ve had an awful night. Think DS is chronically overtired. Been up every 90 mins and has not gone back down since 3:30 this morning. I’m completely broken. Just ran downstairs screaming my head off crying because I can’t take anymore. DH has taken DS downstairs and thankfully DD is still asleep (for now)

im just broken and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I just need sleep. It doesn’t help that DS only naps 40 mins in the day.

can you pay for a night nanny type person who can help me sleep train and just generally get it sorted.

OP posts:
northernlola · 01/11/2022 05:12

If you haven't already.. go to sleep NOW. Get an hour or two and take it from there.

(I'm up with my ebf 4 month old so really do understand the sleep deprivation part. Currently coping by going to sleep ridiculously early.. at the same time as my older child does).

Rumplestrumpet · 01/11/2022 05:16

Oh OP this stage was so hard for me too - you got lucky with number one but sounds like your second child is more typical. Sleep deprivation is used as torture! You're not overreacting and your husband needs to help.

First yes, you can get night nurses to help overnight - they'll settle baby when it's not hungry. We used one for two nights and I felt human again. It's expensive but if you can afford it well worth it in my opinion.

Secondly, your husband can sleep in the other room and get a solid 6hrs sleep, eg 10pm-4am and then take over with the baby. At 5 months baby doesn't need feeding so frequently so you can catch up on sleep 4-7am.

Thirdly, we used a sleep consultant around this stage and it helped a lot - I'm opposed to approaches that leave baby crying but there are lots of methods that will have baby's wellbeing at the centre and still help you get more sleep. Even better, get a night nurse who does both!

Finally, call on all the help you can get for the day time - friends, family, paid help - you just need to survive this period and avoid getting really ill or depressed.

My terrible sleepers are now 3 and 8, and even though that sleep deprivation feels like a long time ago, I remember it was and wish I could go back and hug me then and reassure me it will get better.

Good luck op

Goldencarp · 01/11/2022 05:27

Icantthinkwhat · 31/10/2022 22:08

Sorry folks .. this is extremely anti MN but THIS is why so many partnerships/marriages breakdown at this stage ...

EBF is the holy grail of motherhood ... but the clue is in the title .. it's EXCLUSIVE !! As in no one else except you !! And excludes DP/DH

Biologically best for baby ..
Emotionally worst for TWO parents as one is excluded ..

Personally I knocked it on the head at six months and got back into bed with my husband....

At the end of the day they want you both..

You need to be a couple (unless he is an emotionally/mentally/physically abusive twat - in which case you should have left months ago)

Throw the baby books away.. get the kids in their own rooms and be a couple again ...


Itsallok · 01/11/2022 05:35

cups of tea and biscuits? Does none read the advice that points out EBF babies are best fed in the dark, quietly and as quickly as possible with as little disruption as possible so THEY GO BACK TO SLEEP. Lots of disruptions with noise and light and snacks for mum just wakes them up more. Bloody stupid.

Get DH to deal with toddler bedtime, wake ups during the night and morning get ups. Unless its a particularly problematic night and make sure you get an uninterrupted nap on the weekends.

Devilrocknroller · 01/11/2022 05:42

You're lucky he helps so much?!.... with taking care of his OWN children? Jesus he's as bad as the men who referring looking after their own children as 'babysitting'

FleecyMcFleeceFace · 01/11/2022 06:05

Get some sleep. Today, tonight. Dh is on every sort of duty because you are in crisis.

Later, when you have slept, start making plans with him, as a team. So that everyone sleeps.

First, sleep. For the better part of 24 hours if necessary. Wake only to drink, feed baby, eat.

Hesma · 01/11/2022 06:14

I never expected my DH to do the nights. My baby was EBF so he couldn’t do much anyway and he needed sleep as was working which I wasn’t Aa on maternity leave. You do however need to move the baby out if your room. Both of mine were in own room by 12 weeks and then more settled.

KenickiesHickey · 01/11/2022 06:32

I’d be more concerned about him being in another room than not doing night feeds.
And haven’t you seen the other post? If you’re being paid for being off work what have you got to complain about? You’re one of the lucky ones as some women never get paid to have a break from work.

Goldbar · 01/11/2022 06:37

Hesma · 01/11/2022 06:14

I never expected my DH to do the nights. My baby was EBF so he couldn’t do much anyway and he needed sleep as was working which I wasn’t Aa on maternity leave. You do however need to move the baby out if your room. Both of mine were in own room by 12 weeks and then more settled.

The problem with this is that you entrench this pattern.

Babies don't magically stop waking in the night because their mother goes back to work.

If men don't start by sharing the load on maternity leave, they are unlikely to step up to doing 50/50 when the mother's maternity leave finishes.

You see before you the way in which men's behaviour on maternity leave kicks off a pattern of inequality and unfair distribution of responsibilities that often continues for years and never stops. The 'second shift' starts now.

SMrs · 01/11/2022 07:21

That seems really unfair.

My husband has a really stressful job and works 6 days a week, very long hours and he has always helped with nights.

My second was breastfed but I expressed one bottle a day so he could do a night feed.

The fact he is working is rubbish as you too have a job to do and need support and sleep!

converseandjeans · 01/11/2022 07:23

Sorry you are exhausted. But I agree that if baby is EBF there's not much DH can do and it seems silly for him to wake up too. He does get up with toddler at 6am.

You need to get baby onto bottle & into own room. Look into routines.

Do you have money for toddler to go to childminder? Any family who can have her? Mine were with childminder from 6 months - can baby go to childminder too for a morning a week or something?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/11/2022 07:30

Chumbibi · 01/11/2022 01:56

Thanks for your replies. Baby won’t take a bottle and asked DH to sterilise them to try each day but he hasn’t done it.

someone upthread explained it well that it’s about feeling less alone at night. It’s also about him having no idea how it feels. Also I’m still doing so much in the day for toddler DD because I also want to be there for her. DH just only thinks about practical and never emotional

im just struggling so much with the sleep deprivation. 5 months and the longest I’ve slept is 5/6 hours and it’s just so so hard.

That seems ridiculous, you would rather your dh was knackered at work so you can have company through the night?

olympicsrock · 01/11/2022 07:36

Sorry I am with DH. There is no point in him being in the room while you breast feed. Let him be rested to get up with the toddler in the morning . He can also go to her in the night.
He can move back in 1-2 nights before DD needs the spare room.

However the real question is where do you plan to breast feed going forwards. It’s much nice over the winter to be tucked up in bed feeding a baby rather than sitting in a chair by their bed.

I would blame DH for staying in the spare room for a few months even when you move DS if that was possible.

Highfivemum · 01/11/2022 07:36

I think you are over tired and feeling lost and unsupported. I also think you DH is actually doing his bit. Getting up at 6 with your older DC and working full time. The only thing it would achieve if he slept in same rooms is you both would be awake during the night , then he would be up and 6 and working too. So that would not be fair.
maybe swap roles at weekend. Express into a bottle.? Let him do some baby feeding bonding.
you are only going what all mums go through with young children. When ur tired everything seems much worse.

MuggleMe · 01/11/2022 07:37

Your dh needs to stay home from work today and look after the children so you can catch up on sleep. You're not safe to look after them..

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