Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

[Chumbibi]

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

[VeronicaFranklin]

Seriously I do not get this at all. I see SO many posts on here where DH doesn't help with night feeds or sleeps in spare room with some excuse such as 'has work' or 'needs his sleep more'. Some of my friends husbands are same. What on earth.

You chose to have a child together, that includes sharing the responsibility of night feeds/wake ups. No wonder you are shattered.

I don't know why some put up with it to be honest. If my husband told me he was sleeping in the spare room and not helping out with our child, I would leave him. Why should men get an easy ride when it comes to the difficult, most exhausting part of parenting, if you EBF can you express so he can share some of the night feeds? Or even just have him there so he can help with nappy change overnight or make you a drink while you feed.

My DH went back to work and he did the early feed so I could shower/have my dinner then he would go to bed and I would cover late/overnight feeds so he could sleep but then he would get up early morning and feed DD so I could sleep a little more before he went to work.

It's compromise and balance for you both. Your DH is being selfish and getting away with it, pull him into line!

[Willowrose63]

@Goldbar totally agree

[SarahAndQuack]

@PinkPlantCase

You absolutely can share night wakings with a breastfed baby, from around 6 months me and DH took it in turns to do the night wake ups.

In the newborn days DH would get up, change the nappy and pass the baby to me.

Intimacy in a marriage is also important.

You DH is being selfish, can you approach from the point of view of you needing his help? Might be more receptive to it being phrased that way

This is such a wise post. It's the intimacy and feeling of both being in it together that you need.

[Icantthinkwhat]

Sorry folks .. this is extremely anti MN but THIS is why so many partnerships/marriages breakdown at this stage ...

EBF is the holy grail of motherhood ... but the clue is in the title .. it's EXCLUSIVE !! As in no one else except you !! And excludes DP/DH

Biologically best for baby ..
Emotionally worst for TWO parents as one is excluded ..

Personally I knocked it on the head at six months and got back into bed with my husband....

At the end of the day they want you both..

You need to be a couple (unless he is an emotionally/mentally/physically abusive twat - in which case you should have left months ago)

Throw the baby books away.. get the kids in their own rooms and be a couple again ...

[Wishyfishy]

I breastfed both mine so DH never did nights, it wasn’t possible. Most of my friends were similar due to breastfeeding- not the Dads being rubbish. What is it you want him to do exactly?

[igor]

I don't see the point in him being in your room at the moment. He can't help by feeding the baby, but he can get up with the toddler in the morning allowing you more chance to rest.

[prettylittlethingss]

@Goldbar

The problem with "there's no point you both being sleep-deprived" is that there's usually only one person who ends up sleep-deprived (the mother) and it's rare that the father helps sufficiently the rest of the time to compensate. As a result, you start to grow apart since one of you is at the coal face of parenting and experiencing the biggest lows (and sleep deprivation is torture) alone without support. While the other parent is relatively unaffected and doesn't necessarily understand what they are going through. Difficult to come back from the resentment this can cause.

Agree wholeheartedly.

[LolaSmiles]

I generally agree with the philosophy that there's no point having two tired parents, but that what logically follows is both parents being in it together and finding ways to do shifts so both get sleep.

The downside is if you are exclusively breastfeeding a baby and a toddler that is something that he can't do so you'll naturally be doing more wake ups, but he can be doing lots of other things to be in it together.

He could take ownership of 2 year old's bedtime. He could get up to do baby's nappy so you're able to have a
night feed without having to wake up fully. He could be the parent who is the go to for the older child.

When he's up early with the toddler, does he get the bulk of morning requirements done or does he play downstairs and wait to do breakfast/nappy/potty/getting dressed until you're up?
If you're up through the night breastfeeding, is he using his extra energy from additional sleep to lighten the load for you during the day?

[BMW6]

Sorry if I'm being thick, but if you are bf your baby what's the point if your DH getting up too? He can't feed it, so he would be doing what while you sleep?????

If baby was bottle fed I'd say he does Friday and Saturday night feeds so you get a catch up on sleep. Or one of those at least.

Have I misunderstood? What do you want him to get up for?

[SarahAndQuack]

@BMW6

Sorry if I'm being thick, but if you are bf your baby what's the point if your DH getting up too? He can't feed it, so he would be doing what while you sleep?????

If baby was bottle fed I'd say he does Friday and Saturday night feeds so you get a catch up on sleep. Or one of those at least.

Have I misunderstood? What do you want him to get up for?

Would he not be changing the baby, bringing the baby to the OP, and maybe getting her a cup of tea? So she's less shattered from doing it all?

[ABJ100]

@SarahAndQuack

Would he not be changing the baby, bringing the baby to the OP, and maybe getting her a cup of tea? So she's less shattered from doing it all?

At 2am in the morning. That's a bit ridiculous. Just to prove a point he is doing something? Why does both of them need to be exhausted? I say that as someone who bf. My dh did alot with dc during the day and other stuff but no point in both of us getting up just to watch me feed.

[NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet]

Awww how good of him to "help" so much. You are so lucky!

Sounds like an utter wanker to me.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I would have found night feeding my two so much easier if I didn’t have to do the winding and resettling part.

If I could have just done the feeding part - even if I was doing the initial nappy change bit too (obviously this comes before the feed as you don’t want to ruin the post feed sleepiness!). If my exh had then taken them from me to do the seemingly endless job of getting their wind up and properly resettling them - not a half arsed job and then thinking it because my job again once their are allegedly “down” again. Then I wouldn’t have been nearly so sleep deprived.

So I think yanbu!

[SassyPants87]

Me and my husband currently do this. We did it with our first child and now with our second, I don’t see anything wrong with it. There’s no point both of us being exhausted!
Plus I can have naps in the day with the baby whereas he has to get up early with the toddler send her to nursery and work, then pick her up do her dinner and put her to bed.
It wouldn’t be fair for me to essentially ask DH to share a room with me just because I wanted him there. Also it’s not for long only until baby moves out so you wont have to wait too much longer

[SarahAndQuack]

@ABJ100

At 2am in the morning. That's a bit ridiculous. Just to prove a point he is doing something? Why does both of them need to be exhausted? I say that as someone who bf. My dh did alot with dc during the day and other stuff but no point in both of us getting up just to watch me feed.

Yes, 2am usually is in the morning!

It's surely not to prove a point - just to share the load? There are several jobs need doing; he could do some of them and she could do some. Obviously doesn't work for everyone, but I don't see the harm trying to share the load if she's wanting it? When DP was BF, if she didn't have to get out of bed she could almost sleep through some of the middle-of-the-night feeds and wake up feeling better. If she got up and did a nappy change, no chance!

[Summerfun54321]

I did all the newborn night waking and feeding and kicked DH out to the spare room. DH was much more useful to me and my eldest DC when he was well rested. He’s always done loads to help and we had a great balance when the kids were small so not doing night waking and feeds isn’t necessarily a bad thing IMO, but if it isn’t working for you that’s also fine and you need to chat through a solution.

[Walkingtheplank]

I cannot believe how many women thinks it wholly acceptable for a mum to be sleep deprived to the point of exhaustion whilst a dad shouldn't be inconvenienced over night at all. Wow!

I can only hope that my daughter does not marry one of your sons. Thankfully she understands her own worth and her dad has demonstrated that men are capable of pulling their weight.

OP, I'm sorry that you're so exhausted. I dont understand how someone who loves you can not step into help and support his partner, the mother of his child.
I also hope you wont rush changes to night times for your 2 children to accommodate someone who wont accommodate you.

Best wishes OP.

[FirstFallopians]

It does come across like if you have to have an extended period of broken sleep then your DH should too. Like totally pointless. Equal parenting doesn’t mean doing the exact same crappy thing at the exact same time, more that you’re splitting up the crap tasks fairly and everyone pulls their weight.

As for having him share the “jobs”- I can see that rationale during the newborn days, but at six months old surely baby settles fairly quickly after a bf? How many nappy changes does a 6 month old need in the middle of the night, every night?

Just use a bit of common sense- if you’re doing the night feeds then he should be doing his damnedest to make sure you’re getting every opportunity to catch up on an equal amount of rest. DH and I had this arrangement- I got all the weekend lie ins and cheeky naps when he’d take both kids and did his actual fair share of parenting and household chores.

[SarahAndQuack]

As for having him share the “jobs”- I can see that rationale during the newborn days, but at six months old surely baby settles fairly quickly after a bf? How many nappy changes does a 6 month old need in the middle of the night, every night?

There speaks someone who has never had a difficult baby!

Honestly, if you had an easy baby, fine - go for it. Tell us how brilliant it was. But the OP, you notice, is not feeling fine. So perhaps the important thing isn't you being smug that you happened to have any easy baby? Perhaps it's important that she doesn't end up feeling utterly rubbish if her baby - like many babies - may not 'settle fairly quickly' after a feed, and may not politely hold in its nappy changes for daytime?

[aloris]

I do think it's helpful if someone else can do nappy changes at night. It allows you to only be awake enough to nurse the baby and makes it easier to go back to sleep afterward. Given you are having mouth ulcers, you sound very "run down" and that is not good. You need to be getting more rest and possibly better nutrition. Can you express enough milk that he can take the baby for a couple of nights so that you can get one or two full nights' sleep? Having broken sleep for five solid months without respite is very hard on the body and he should be willing to "take one for the team" to let you catch up a bit, even if it means he has to spend a little time being exhausted too.

[Chumbibi]

Thanks for your replies. Baby won’t take a bottle and asked DH to sterilise them to try each day but he hasn’t done it.

someone upthread explained it well that it’s about feeling less alone at night. It’s also about him having no idea how it feels. Also I’m still doing so much in the day for toddler DD because I also want to be there for her. DH just only thinks about practical and never emotional
.

im just struggling so much with the sleep deprivation. 5 months and the longest I’ve slept is 5/6 hours and it’s just so so hard.

[Dipsy12]

@Onefootintheghool

Nope YANBU, he is being a tool. Unless he is a pilot or surgeon he could absolutely do his share of night feeds. Will your baby take expressed milk in a bottle ?
For comparison our DC are in their late 20's now and DH did all night wakings on a friday and Sunday night , he worked as a driver.

My DH is a pilot and he even he does night feeds!

[PurpleMarie]

@Chumbibi

Thanks for your replies. Baby won’t take a bottle and asked DH to sterilise them to try each day but he hasn’t done it.

someone upthread explained it well that it’s about feeling less alone at night. It’s also about him having no idea how it feels. Also I’m still doing so much in the day for toddler DD because I also want to be there for her. DH just only thinks about practical and never emotional
.

im just struggling so much with the sleep deprivation. 5 months and the longest I’ve slept is 5/6 hours and it’s just so so hard.

So you just want him to be awake at the same time as you?

Seems shortsighted.

Maybe hold him to the things you asked him to do that will actually help instead of finding useless things to be mad at?

[YukoandHiro]

I get it OP. I ebf both my babies but the solidarity of having someone there - even if they're just snoozing next to you - is really helpful with the long early nights of constant deeds. Also DH would often get up and do the nappy change before passing the baby to me for the feed.
DH is a very good sleeper though so never struggled to resettle if he woke in the night to help.

[thenewduchessoflapland]

Most of us on here have had a baby;we possess the knowledge that not all night wakings are because the baby wants feeding;spending an hour walking up and down trying to settle a fussing baby who's been feed,has a clean nappy and just won't go back to sleep is different to having a baby supping at your nipple.

Most of us have been through the times when baby hasn't slept at all between night feeds.

Her husband is opting out of being a parent and a decent husband here;he's perfectly capable of stepping up once a week when he doesn't have work the next day to share some of the nighttime slog so OP can get abit more sleep.