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AIBU?

Husband won’t do any night wakes with new baby

157 replies

Chumbibi · 31/10/2022 20:17

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

628 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
25%
You are NOT being unreasonable
75%
sheepdogdelight · 01/11/2022 07:40

OP I said it before but you may not have picked up on it - could you try co-sleeping? I had a bad sleeper (worse than yours) and I wish I had tried in retrospect but I didn't want to get into the co-sleeping habit. If it works well, baby can just feed as and when they want in the night without really disturbing you.

Minfilia · 01/11/2022 07:41

Do you have any family, parents nearby who can help?

I used to go to my mums once a week with DD from her being 3 months old, she was a terrible sleeper too and also EBF and wouldn’t take a bottle - I would feed her then go and sleep in my mums spare room for a couple of hours! It was a lovely luxury to have once a week and just enough to stop me from going round the twist.

For six weeks DD didn’t sleep until 5am, it was torture, so I get it. A friend of mine used to go to bed at 8 whilst her husband did the 8-12 shift, then he would go to bed and she would do 12-6, he would then take baby again. Could something like that work? (Maybe you would have to find a bottle that baby will take)

MuggleMe · 01/11/2022 07:43

I certainly think dh could take DD from as soon as ds is in bed and you go to bed, he can bring her in for a feed.

Hugasauras · 01/11/2022 07:45

Are you co-sleeping, OP? I have a DD2 who is quite a frequent waker at 4mo but cosleeping means she just latches on and night wakes aren't really disturbing (definitely don't want cups of tea or biscuits!) so even on 'bad' nights I still feel okay. A combination of that and DH doing all wake-ups and mornings with older DD and taking both if I need to nap (and also napping when older DD is at nursery if needed) means I've never really had sleep deprivation despite not getting a chunk of sleep longer than four hours since she was born!

I didn't crack the lying down feeding and cosleeping with DD1 until way later so even so she was a much better sleeper than DD2, I was actually more tired as night wakes with her felt like 'an event' because I did the whole sitting up, reading on my phone, trying to resettle thing.

MsFrog · 01/11/2022 07:47

I can't believe sone of these harsh replies, and I can't help but feel the people posting them have never been in the depths of horrendous sleep deprivation. It's hell, and it's NOT unreasonable to expect support. As PPs have said, your husband could help in the early morning, or at weekends, or settle the baby after you've fed him after some of the wake ups. It's not about two people being equally tired, it's about one person not being on their knees and getting mouth ulcers and not coping emotionally.

His attitude is hurtful, he doesn't sound supportive or sympathetic. Hope you can have a proper, honest conversation with him OP. My husband didn't help at all with nights with my first, and I was so ill physically and mentally from the sleep deprivation. He stepped up a lot more when we had a second after we talked about it all.

Hope you get some rest soon, it's absolutely awful xxx

WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf · 01/11/2022 07:51

@MuggleMe Yeah like that is so easy in so many jobs.

Maybe you would be one of the 300 folk moaning your train was cancelled if my DH suddenly decided not to turn up?🙄

Hugasauras · 01/11/2022 07:54

He does sound a bit horrible though. My DH doesn't do night wakes because we don't need him to but if I needed him to then of course he would. We just found a method that works better for us but if it wasn't working and I was on my knees then of course he would do whatever he could!

creideamhdóchasgrá · 01/11/2022 08:00

Chumbibi · 31/10/2022 20:17

We have DD who is 2.4 and DS who is 5 months. DS been in room with me since birth and since then DH has moved into spare room. DD and DS both EBF so DH has NEVER had to do a night feed. DD has always been a good sleeper, slept through at 6 months and has always done a solid 12 hours. Maybe one or two nights a week she will wake up, and a couple of phases where she’s woken once a night for a couple of weeks here and there.

since DS born DH has insisted sleeping in the spare room. He says he needs to sleep to not be disturbed so he can get up with toddler DD early (usually wakes around 6am but often later) and not be disturbed for work. We’ve just been away for the weekend and in the same room with DS and said he won’t move back into our room until DS is in his own room.

I will probs move him at 6 months but beforehand we need to move DD into spare room so DS can go in her cot in her old room, but want to do this a few weeks beforehand so she doesn’t feel like her brother has turfed her out. DH refusing to sleep in our room and says he will sleep on sofa. Told him I’m upset and that I miss him in our room and feel it deprives of us connection and intimacy. He doesn’t get it and says he needs his sleep to help me in the day.

I’m severely sleep deprived. Full of cold and mouth ulcers. He says I don’t know how lucky I am given that he helps so much. Which he does but I think he’s lucky he doesn’t have to do nights! AIBU?

You could show him this (skip the adds)

creideamhdóchasgrá · 01/11/2022 08:04
NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 01/11/2022 08:30

OP, I'm shocked at some of these replies. Regardless of the EBF issue your 'DH' clearly has a shit attitude. Not sterilising the bottles, thinking of parenting his own kids as helping and stating that you should think yourself lucky. He clearly regards parenting as your job and not his. He sounds like a twat.

I had a difficult baby who is now a toddler. When I was attempting BF in the early months (it didn't work out) my partner was up, changing baby's nappy and settling him so I could express afterwards. Depending on what you need during the night he either needs to be up with you, doing his bit - or, he needs to be up with the 'on duty' early so you can get a block of sleep before he goes to work. He should have been up at 3.30am this morning if baby was awake. If baby needs feeding during this time he can bring them to you.

I'm shocked and quite disappointed at the 'you want your husband to be sleep deprived just because you are' comments. So the mum gets fuck all sleep and dad gets a full night? Bullshit. There are many ways he can do his fair share and support BF. To me, his attitude is the worst bit, that seems to have been missed by most people posting.

ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 01/11/2022 08:37

Seems like there are 2 things here:
Support overnight
Sleeping arrangements.

I think you have wound them up into one thing, where as actually they can be split.
DH can help whichever bed he is sleeping in.
DD can have a bedroom set up when the furniture arrives. Where DH chooses to sleep after that is a further discussion.

Hope you get a nap later today.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/11/2022 08:42

"OP, I'm shocked at some of these replies. Regardless of the EBF issue your 'DH' clearly has a shit attitude. Not sterilising the bottles, thinking of parenting his own kids as helping and stating that you should think yourself lucky. He clearly regards parenting as your job and not his. He sounds like a twat."

I agree with this. My second was an awful sleeper. It ruined my mat leave, I was so tired and anxious about sleep, I didnt do anything. Woke every 90 min at night. Co sleeping didn't work. It was not a pleasant time. We sleep trained at 7 months (got in a professional and did the disappearing chair method). PM me if you want and I'll dig out some details. I think 5 months is too young to refuse to feed them if they get up in the night. At 6-7 months you can just stop because it's a habit not a need.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/11/2022 08:46

I actually don't think he is being unreasonable though not wanting to sleep in the same room as you though. Unless he would actually be doing anything to help you, there is no point both of you being knackered. My husband used to sleep in a separate room. But would take the baby in the night and try and re settle, would drive or walk around with them to try and give me a break from feeding when we knew they couldnt be hungry yet again, and would take the baby after the early morning feed so I could go back to bed. He managed to help me as much as he could have, but didmt see the point in him sleeping next to me, I was feeling awful and didn't want him to be that tired too

Bonatos · 01/11/2022 08:48

There are ways DH can help other than feeding, which he obviously can't do. I'm EBFing my 4 month old who still wakes every 3ish hours. DS will usually fall asleep during feeds but if he doesn't, my DH will take him and settle him back to sleep. He also gets up with our toddler.

Yes I agree there's no point in both parents being sleep deprived, but in this case it's one parent is severely sleep deprived and the other is well rested. There has to be a compromise.

EdithGrantham · 01/11/2022 09:02

I don't understand the attitude that the working parent should get all the sleep, what happens when maternity leave is over in that case?

The argument that if you're working FT you need a good night's sleep goes out the window if you have a wakeful baby, I'm still feeding my 15mo on and off through the night and am back at work FT, it's tough but manageable, albeit with co-sleeping.

My DH has stayed in our room the whole time and it's so helpful and supportive emotionally just to have him put a reassuring hand on my shoulder and ask if I need help, more often than not I say no as my DD only really settles with a feed but having the option there makes it easier.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2022 09:06

Get some sleep. Today, tonight. Dh is on every sort of duty because you are in crisis.

He calls in sick or takes some kind of parental leave or whatever.

Also yes you can pay for night nannies to take the load off for a bit and to help sleep train.

funtycucker · 01/11/2022 09:06

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 20:25

He's a dickhead. He works, so what, so do you, looking after young children us just as valid and arguably more difficult than some jobs. Men are just as capable of doing night feeds.

Men have worthless nipples so aren't capable of doing night feeds

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2022 09:09

I also don’t get the argument the working parent should have all the sleep.

And bringing you a cup of tea (would be decaf for me at night) and biscuit, making sure you have water etc, need not disturb the baby or involve putting a light on.

A working parent can get ENOUGH sleep without necessarily having a full 8 hours per night, and can help the parent at home enough that they’re not horrifically sleep deprived.

AMorningstar · 01/11/2022 09:11

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2022 09:09

I also don’t get the argument the working parent should have all the sleep.

And bringing you a cup of tea (would be decaf for me at night) and biscuit, making sure you have water etc, need not disturb the baby or involve putting a light on.

A working parent can get ENOUGH sleep without necessarily having a full 8 hours per night, and can help the parent at home enough that they’re not horrifically sleep deprived.

Yeah. It's not like the non working parent in this scenario is doing nothing. You can both have an "okay" amount of sleep rather than one parent getting it all and one getting nothing.

Confusion101 · 01/11/2022 09:23

I think the night feeds thing always leads to a strong discussion. I'm the one that does them here, although admittedly if I was wrecked DP would step up and take over winding, nappy, whatever. U say your DD wakes in the night occasionally, does he get up with her?

But 2 things scream out from your post. Firstly, you are missing the connection and intimacy. This was the main reason I moved back into room as soon as DC stopped waking every 3 hrs (DP drives to work and was worried beforehand about him falling asleep). I really missed the intimacy but so did he. Could u suggest him coming back to u at weekends first to see how that goes?

2ndly... Hate the phrase "You are so lucky I help". Those dickhead fathers that do fuck all are not setting the standard. They are useless pricks. "Helping" is the bare minimum required. I appreciate how much my DP "helps" but we both understand that it's required in order to parent his child!

ABJ100 · 01/11/2022 09:25

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/11/2022 09:09

I also don’t get the argument the working parent should have all the sleep.

And bringing you a cup of tea (would be decaf for me at night) and biscuit, making sure you have water etc, need not disturb the baby or involve putting a light on.

A working parent can get ENOUGH sleep without necessarily having a full 8 hours per night, and can help the parent at home enough that they’re not horrifically sleep deprived.

Sorry but waking up at 2am to go make a cup of tea just to prove a point is ridiculous. Op can pack or keep a variety of other snacks at hand. That's what my dh did, there was no need for him being up watching me bf and making me tea at 2am! He was much more useful the next morning sorting things out.

Sceptre86 · 01/11/2022 09:30

To be complete honest I would have talked about this before you had your ds. I also wouldn't be having anymore children with him based on his behaviour. Empathy is important in a relationship, if he can see you struggling wi

Beautiful3 · 01/11/2022 09:31

Your baby's being breast fed, so your husband cannot really help. There's no point you both having broken sleep. He has to go to work. I used to have a lie in and have nap in the day.

Sceptre86 · 01/11/2022 09:33

If he can see you struggling with a lack of sleep but won't pitch in then he isn't much of a partner in my view. You need to sit down and be clear about exactly what you need from him and see what he does.

SassyPants87 · 01/11/2022 09:39

OP what does your husband do for work? Does he wfh therefore can help you a little? My husband slept in a separate room because he couldn’t be tired for work! (Still did the early mornings with toddler and bedtimes when he was back). It was actually dangerous for him to be tired as he operated heavy machinery so I’d rather he was rested than at risk of seriously injuring himself

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