Page 6 | To think life was 100% easier before kids

Pleasecreateausername95 · 2022-10-31T18:57:35+00:00

I adore my dd, obviously…but it’s so hard at times, isn’t it? I’m starting to miss so many things now and I know I won’t get them back…or maybe in another 12-14 years perhaps…and it won’t be the same then as Dh and I will be older. Would you like to go back to being child free for the weekend to see what it was like?

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/11/2022 20:35

SmokedHaddockChowder · 01/11/2022 06:45

*Sirpatrickdelaneypodmore · Today 06:43

Hotcoffee22- but unless someone is a single parent, they could also go for a nice relaxing walk with headphones.
I get the baby stage is intense but I’ve got two primary age kids and I go out to the gym in the evenings, have nights out, have weekends away seeing friends and have the odd lie in. Yes life is way more stressful than before kids and there’s a million things to remember for school but if the kids dad is involved and hands on I think you’ll all find a nice balance.*

Yes I have several friends who are parents. All of them could achieve this with ease! It's not a prison sentence!

Yeah this. ^ Many parents do have a life, despite the belief/insistence from some that people with children have no life, and absolutely MUST regret it... Me and DH have had a wonderful life with our children, and many lovely and enjoyable day trips and holidays and Christmases and birthdays and lots of amazing family time. And we have also had lots of lovely couple-time, and time with our friends, and time alone too.

Do people seriously think that once you have children, you can't do ANYTHING else that you enjoy ever again, and you will never be alone again, never be able to relax and do your own hobbies again? What a bizarre suggestion.

I know a few people have commented on here that they feel they have no life now, and never relax/have alone time, as they have children with SEN, and I am sorry that they feel like this and life is not great for them.

However, I am sick to death of the whole agenda that is pushed from some, that everyone's life turns to shit when they have children.

I think some people WANT it to be like that to be honest, (especially some child free people, (not all but some,) and they don't want to hear that many parents are actually very happy that they had children, and have a wonderful relationship with them, and they would never ever change a thing if they could go back in time.

Blocked · 02/11/2022 20:53

I often think about how much easier it was and long to spend a day just lying in bed watching Netflix. And then I think, was lying in bed all day watching Netflix actually that fun or was it actually pretty boring? I think I'll take life with kids. It is harder but it is full of happiness.

CoveredInCobwebs · 03/11/2022 06:53

*However, I am sick to death of the whole agenda that is pushed from some, that everyone's life turns to shit when they have children.

I think some people WANT it to be like that to be honest, (especially some child free people, (not all but some,) and they don't want to hear that many parents are actually very happy that they had children, and have a wonderful relationship with them, and they would never ever change a thing if they could go back in time.*

Hear hear. I absolutely detest the narrative on MN (because I don’t come across it IRL to be honest) that having kids is miserable; that holidays with kids are miserable; that it’s normal to find kids boring; that a lot of people regret having kids; etc etc etc. Imagine reading that as a new Mum, or in pregnancy?!

I actually think it’s very harmful. I was on a thread a while ago when a Mum was struggling and almost everyone said ‘well that’s just how it is when you have young kids’ rather than offering helpful suggestions. And those of us saying ‘well it doesn’t have to be that way’ were shot down for making her feel guilty.

PurpleButterflyWings · 03/11/2022 13:21

CoveredInCobwebs · 03/11/2022 06:53

*However, I am sick to death of the whole agenda that is pushed from some, that everyone's life turns to shit when they have children.

I think some people WANT it to be like that to be honest, (especially some child free people, (not all but some,) and they don't want to hear that many parents are actually very happy that they had children, and have a wonderful relationship with them, and they would never ever change a thing if they could go back in time.*

Hear hear. I absolutely detest the narrative on MN (because I don’t come across it IRL to be honest) that having kids is miserable; that holidays with kids are miserable; that it’s normal to find kids boring; that a lot of people regret having kids; etc etc etc. Imagine reading that as a new Mum, or in pregnancy?!

I actually think it’s very harmful. I was on a thread a while ago when a Mum was struggling and almost everyone said ‘well that’s just how it is when you have young kids’ rather than offering helpful suggestions. And those of us saying ‘well it doesn’t have to be that way’ were shot down for making her feel guilty.

Excellent post @CoveredInCobwebs

Also, as a pp said earlier in the thread, there's a bizarre misconception that people who are child free, go out partying til 3am, sleep in til midday, book last minutes trips to Paris or Rome (as they can coz they haven't got kids ) and go backpacking across South America for 3 months (again coz they haven't got kids.)

The reality is that very, very few child free people do all this. I mean they probably do partying and travelling in their 20s/possibly very early 30s, but after that, no. I mean, most people, with children - or without - wouldn't be able to take the time off to do such things, and very likely wouldn't be able to afford it. Also, the people who have children will very often have done all the partying, clubbing, travelling etc before they had children.

Also, the idea that parents never get a lie-in is bizarre too. I mean, obviously when the kids are baby/toddler age, they wake through the night for feeds, and wake at 6 am (for the rest of the day!) But it will be a short period of time that you 'don't get a lie-in.'

My 2 kids now in their 20s - only a year apart in age - stopped waking through the night by about 2 years old. And then started lying in as long as us by about 4 years old. So after 4 years, we got our 'lie-ins' back.

Also, child free people presumably have JOBS. So they will never get a lie-in anyway, except for the weekend, as they will be getting up at 6.30-7am for work!

So to try and peddle this bizarre idea that child free people have this amazing carefree life, whilst parents have nothing but drudgery and grunt work all their life is - as you say - misleading and harmful. Also, as you said, I don't come across this in real life.

Yeah sure, there are very likely SOME parents who regret having their children, but for many, it will be short-lived and will pass after a year or so, or it will just be occasional (when they're having problems with them, like the kids are misbehaving or causing them some kind of bother.)

For the most part, I do not believe - in real life - that many people regret having their children. It's just something that some child free people make up, as it suits their agenda to believe that.

Also, when I see threads about child free vs parenthood, I cringe when I see some posters who have children, saying 'oh I am so JEALOUS of your life and your ability to lie in and just do anything without having to plan ahead.' I'm like WTAF? Does any parent - in real life - actually think this??? I reckon they're just saying it (whether they realise it or not) as a roundabout way of making the child free person feel better, because deep down, there is no WAY they would swap places with the child free person.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/11/2022 16:33

Mine are 5 and 8 and I have a full life again with tons of sleep and alone time but with two funny cuties as well. Being a parent is ace!

aseriesofstillimages · 04/11/2022 16:28

@PurpleButterflyWings and @CoveredInCobwebs

i find this idea of a ‘childless agenda’ really bizarre, particularly in the face of so many very varied and clearly genuine accounts here of how people feel or have felt about raising their children.

I don’t have children and may never. I would like children, but with some reservations. The vast majority of my friends have children, and I have talked to them a great deal about their experience of it, and seen it first hand. They find it hard, tedious and stressful, but also joyful and rewarding, to different degrees and at different times. I don’t think any of them regret it, but some of them have found it much easier than others.

why on Earth do you believe that large numbers of people are presenting false accounts of their experiences, to try and make having children look worse than it is?

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 16:52

why on Earth do you believe that large numbers of people are presenting false accounts of their experiences, to try and make having children look worse than it is?

I didn’t say there was a childless person agenda - that was someone else.

As I said, IRL I don’t see people presenting the same sorts of negative accounts of parenting that I see on here. Why is that? I don’t know. I see a lot of views on MN that feel a million miles away from my life.

But I think what started out as a really important part of the discourse - being able to talk about the difficulties of parenting - has turned into this race to the bottom, where it’s so cool and funny to call your kids arseholes and count down to wine o’clock. Certain bloggers have obviously added fuel to this fire!

The problem is when people start to say ‘holidays with kids are miserable’ ‘babies/toddlers/3 year olds are jerks’ - and when Mums hear this stuff over and over and over, they can start to expect it to be reality - and it just doesn’t have to be. It can also make parenting harder e.g. if you think your toddler is just being a dick when they throw a tantrum, you’re probably not going to respond very sensitively to that tantrum, which can make the situation worse for both parent and child.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 04/11/2022 17:19

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 16:52

why on Earth do you believe that large numbers of people are presenting false accounts of their experiences, to try and make having children look worse than it is?

I didn’t say there was a childless person agenda - that was someone else.

As I said, IRL I don’t see people presenting the same sorts of negative accounts of parenting that I see on here. Why is that? I don’t know. I see a lot of views on MN that feel a million miles away from my life.

But I think what started out as a really important part of the discourse - being able to talk about the difficulties of parenting - has turned into this race to the bottom, where it’s so cool and funny to call your kids arseholes and count down to wine o’clock. Certain bloggers have obviously added fuel to this fire!

The problem is when people start to say ‘holidays with kids are miserable’ ‘babies/toddlers/3 year olds are jerks’ - and when Mums hear this stuff over and over and over, they can start to expect it to be reality - and it just doesn’t have to be. It can also make parenting harder e.g. if you think your toddler is just being a dick when they throw a tantrum, you’re probably not going to respond very sensitively to that tantrum, which can make the situation worse for both parent and child.

I disagree with pretty much all you have written.

Parenting is hard. It’s a struggle mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

A large proportion of parenting is very difficult. It’s dull. It’s monotonous. Being responsible for another human’s emotional and physical state is exhausting. It’s draining.

I remember a friend of mine saying she would never tell her sisters how hard being a mother was because she didn’t want to put them off having kids. She, along with all the others, who pretend that every day is more joyful than the last, is doing a massive disservice to other women.

Thank fuck that people on MN say it how it is!

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 17:30

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 04/11/2022 17:19

I disagree with pretty much all you have written.

Parenting is hard. It’s a struggle mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

A large proportion of parenting is very difficult. It’s dull. It’s monotonous. Being responsible for another human’s emotional and physical state is exhausting. It’s draining.

I remember a friend of mine saying she would never tell her sisters how hard being a mother was because she didn’t want to put them off having kids. She, along with all the others, who pretend that every day is more joyful than the last, is doing a massive disservice to other women.

Thank fuck that people on MN say it how it is!

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Well, we can agree to completely disagree :)

aseriesofstillimages · 04/11/2022 17:56

Can we not just all accept that different people can have very different experiences of having children (as with most things) as that is very obviously the case??

I’m sure there are people who do not fully express how they really feel about it (either making it sound better or worse) for a variety of reasons, or who change how they talk about it depending on who their talking to, or whose feelings about it change radically over time. But there’s no reason to think most people are being completely false in how they describe their experience, in either direction.

@CoveredInCobwebs Thanks for your thoughtful response, what you say makes sense and you make some important points. Sorry to lump you in with @PurpleButterflyWings (But you did say ‘hear hear’ in response to their quote about the ‘agenda’!)

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/11/2022 20:10

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 04/11/2022 17:19

I disagree with pretty much all you have written.

Parenting is hard. It’s a struggle mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

A large proportion of parenting is very difficult. It’s dull. It’s monotonous. Being responsible for another human’s emotional and physical state is exhausting. It’s draining.

I remember a friend of mine saying she would never tell her sisters how hard being a mother was because she didn’t want to put them off having kids. She, along with all the others, who pretend that every day is more joyful than the last, is doing a massive disservice to other women.

Thank fuck that people on MN say it how it is!

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@Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit

I disagree with pretty much all you have written.

IN MY EXPERIENCE Parenting is hard. It’s a struggle mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. A large proportion of parenting is very difficult. It’s dull. It’s monotonous. Being responsible for another human’s emotional and physical state is exhausting. It’s draining.

I remember a friend of mine saying she would never tell her sisters how hard being a mother was because she didn’t want to put them off having kids. She, along with all the others, who pretend that every day is more joyful than the last, is doing a massive disservice to other women. Thank fuck that people on MN say it how it is!

FIXED that for you. You're welcome!!!

I am sorry you have found parenting/raising children so difficult and monotonous, and stressful, and that is sad... But many people do NOT find parenting like this. Many people (including me and DH) feel their children are a gift and a blessing and one of the best things that ever happened to them. I would never change a THING if I could go back in time 30 years. I would still have had my 2 kids. I love them to bits. They are the most amazing young people and I am blessed to have them!

As I say, it's sad you feel that your kids have been such a monotonous burden, but do NOT present your experiences as FACT. Because your experience is nowhere near the experience of many parents. Indeed your comments are quite destructive and alarming and dangerous. (In addition to wholly inaccurate!) You cannot present your own views and personal experiences as FACT. It's just WRONG.

@CoveredInCobwebs

As I said, IRL I don’t see people presenting the same sorts of negative accounts of parenting that I see on here. Why is that? I don’t know. I see a lot of views on MN that feel a million miles away from my life.

But I think what started out as a really important part of the discourse - being able to talk about the difficulties of parenting - has turned into this race to the bottom, where it’s so cool and funny to call your kids arseholes and count down to wine o’clock. Certain bloggers have obviously added fuel to this fire!

The problem is when people start to say ‘holidays with kids are miserable’ ‘babies/toddlers/3 year olds are jerks’ - and when Mums hear this stuff over and over and over, they can start to expect it to be reality - and it just doesn’t have to be. It can also make parenting harder e.g. if you think your toddler is just being a dick when they throw a tantrum, you’re probably not going to respond very sensitively to that tantrum, which can make the situation worse for both parent and child.

100^ this. Could not agree more!

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/11/2022 20:11

@aseriesofstillimages

Can we not just all accept that different people can have very different experiences of having children (as with most things) as that is very obviously the case???

I’m sure there are people who do not fully express how they really feel about it (either making it sound better or worse) for a variety of reasons, or who change how they talk about it depending on who their talking to, or whose feelings about it change radically over time. But there’s no reason to think most people are being completely false in how they describe their experience, in either direction.

That is a good rational point. Howeverrrr.... I have to say that I see WAY more negative shit on here about being a parent/having children, than I do POSITIVE comments. The shitty negative comments outweigh the positive by a country mile.

As 'coveredincobwebs' said, people call their kids arseholes and think it's funny, and say stuff like 'woo hoo the school hols are over' and 'thank fuk my eldest is 16 soon, I can get mah life back now hahahahaha,' and think it's endearing! They're basically being derogatory and derisory about their kids thinking it's 'cool.'

And then you have the 'I hate my life, I hate my kids, I hate DH coz he does fuck all to help and I wish I had never had kids' brigade, who poo poo anything and everything about having children. Saying there are no positives to it, and it's utterly shit. Then they refuse to believe people who say 'actually, it's fucking great being a parent! I love my kids! They're my friends, they're my life, I love them, and I adore them.'

As I said, some people do NOT want to hear that some people LOVE their children and are incredibly happy they had them, and have had very little problems with them. Just because THEY hate parenting, they don't want to hear anyone saying they love it!

SO many shitty negative posts and so many agreeing with them! It's like misery loves company! But I refuse to get on board with the 'being a parent is shit' agenda, because it's not, (not for everyone,) and I am not having it written in stone on here that it is!

Kirbee · 04/11/2022 20:13

I think so yes. Its not that life was easy before, not at all, but there's the same shit but with the additional responsibility too. I love DD, no regrets at all, and very fortunate to have an amazing support network; but I do miss the old me sometimes.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 04/11/2022 20:16

Because your experience is nowhere near the experience of many parents. Indeed your comments are quite destructive and alarming and dangerous. (In addition to wholly inaccurate!) You cannot present your own views and personal experiences as FACT. It's just WRONG.

And many people do think similarly.

There fixed that for you. You're welcome.

butterfliedtwo · 04/11/2022 20:18

I have a lot of respect for parents. I couldn't do it. That's just absolute honesty. It would be difficult due to fairly serious physical disability all my life so I never seriously thought about it. But I don't think I would have had children anyway. It takes so so much, and I would worry constantly. Hats off to all of you.

PBSam · 04/11/2022 20:18

Life was easier but not as fun.

Hollowtree3 · 04/11/2022 20:28

Having had one child, I just cant get my head around anyone actively trying for any more. There are nice bits but for me I would just say no. Even going back if I could. Some folks are just not suited to it and all the change.

dillydally24 · 04/11/2022 20:58

Judelawswife68 · 31/10/2022 19:04

Of course it was 100% easier. Most people realise this will be the case before they become parents. Duh!

No they don't! No one understands how much work children are (albeit you love them to death) until you have them. I don't know anyone who says they knew what they were in for.

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 21:21

@aseriesofstillimages Sorry, you're right - I quoted a bit lazily there, because I do think there is a bit of an agenda - but it's not from childless people; it's from people who did have children, and find it really tough, and want everyone else to feel the same way as them. But I see that I left the reference to childless people in my quote, which I shouldn't have. In fact I have a huge amount of respect for people who stay childless by choice.

shivawn · 04/11/2022 21:31

My life was very very easy before having children so maybe it was 100% easier but if I'm being honest it isn't particularly hard now either.

mumsoutnumbered · 04/11/2022 21:35

You're not wrong honey. Absolutely adore my two but it's a constant battle. Hate to say it doesn't get any easier the older they get. Teenage mood swings are a nightmare 😓.

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/11/2022 21:54

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 21:21

@aseriesofstillimages Sorry, you're right - I quoted a bit lazily there, because I do think there is a bit of an agenda - but it's not from childless people; it's from people who did have children, and find it really tough, and want everyone else to feel the same way as them. But I see that I left the reference to childless people in my quote, which I shouldn't have. In fact I have a huge amount of respect for people who stay childless by choice.

I sort of agree with this. I do believe some people with children have an agenda. Because THEY found it tough, and don't even seem to LIKE their own children, they want everyone else to feel the same. And many of them blatantly refuse to believe people who say they DON'T feel the same, and actually love their children and are soooo glad they had them. Indeed, they seem to get quite irked when some people say they love being a parent, and there are lots of good points to it.

I disagree about the childless though. I mean I know you're only speaking as you find/from your experience, but in MY experience, some (not all) childless people are very scathing and derogatory about children - and mothers too. Complaining about them having maternity leave, time off for ante natal appointments, if the kids are ill etc, and generally sneering at mums, calling them breeders and being basically derisory about them. As I say, not ALL childless people, but some yeah.

Also, whilst I have no problem with people remaining childless by choice, I don't have a 'huge amount of respect' for them either.

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 22:10

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/11/2022 21:54

I sort of agree with this. I do believe some people with children have an agenda. Because THEY found it tough, and don't even seem to LIKE their own children, they want everyone else to feel the same. And many of them blatantly refuse to believe people who say they DON'T feel the same, and actually love their children and are soooo glad they had them. Indeed, they seem to get quite irked when some people say they love being a parent, and there are lots of good points to it.

I disagree about the childless though. I mean I know you're only speaking as you find/from your experience, but in MY experience, some (not all) childless people are very scathing and derogatory about children - and mothers too. Complaining about them having maternity leave, time off for ante natal appointments, if the kids are ill etc, and generally sneering at mums, calling them breeders and being basically derisory about them. As I say, not ALL childless people, but some yeah.

Also, whilst I have no problem with people remaining childless by choice, I don't have a 'huge amount of respect' for them either.

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Yes, I am only speaking from my experience, and I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences and unpleasant comments. Way before I was even TTC, I used to work in a very misogynistic industry and although I don't recall anyone being sneery about mothers, there certainly wasn't any allowance for mothers (or fathers for that matter) to have slightly more flexible working hours, or anything of that nature, so I can imagine how these types of comments might arise.

Bouledeneige · 04/11/2022 22:12

Yes it's 100 percent easier. Obviously. And yet the fun you will have is beyond any of it. And just Wait till the teen years!!!

PurpleButterflyWings · 04/11/2022 22:13

CoveredInCobwebs · 04/11/2022 22:10

Yes, I am only speaking from my experience, and I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences and unpleasant comments. Way before I was even TTC, I used to work in a very misogynistic industry and although I don't recall anyone being sneery about mothers, there certainly wasn't any allowance for mothers (or fathers for that matter) to have slightly more flexible working hours, or anything of that nature, so I can imagine how these types of comments might arise.

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Thank you @CoveredInCobwebs 😊