To think life was 100% easier before kids

[Pleasecreateausername95]

I adore my dd, obviously…but it’s so hard at times, isn’t it? I’m starting to miss so many things now and I know I won’t get them back…or maybe in another 12-14 years perhaps…and it won’t be the same then as Dh and I will be older.
Would you like to go back to being child free for the weekend to see what it was like?

On the one hand yes, totally.

On the other hand, break it down. With a bit of planning you can have some of it back.

What specifically do you miss?

(If it's city breaks then you would need helpful babysitting parents but many other things can be managed).

Yeah it's tough

Every thing needs more thought and planning

As my BiL always said "I wouldn't take a million for the ones I've got, but you couldn't pay me a million to have another one".

Children give us our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows. But trust me, once they're grown and flying on their own, it will all have been so, so worth it.

I would like to add from my previous comment that although life before was 'easier' I struggled with my mental health due to infertility 3 rounds of ivf and the lowest of lows at the thought of not having them. I am completely aware of the privilege bestowed on me to have them although I suffered terribly with post natal anxiety with my first they changed my life and grounded me so much so I am immeasurably grateful and agree with pp who says they improve mental health in terms of purpose I hated the focus of my life being solely on me. Its a nice fantasy now though and I'm glad for the memories and hope things let up in terms of freedom in time. Thoughtful analogy from pp re a sense loss no matter how our life pans out. The han condition? I am eternally thankful and that's what gets me through. Love to anyone who needs it 💐

*human not han

Yep I'm really impatiently waiting for the older one to not be dependent any more

I have CPTSD so my view on this will not be representative of many but having my son not only changed my life but saved my life, I kicked my drinking problem for him first and me second. He showed me that life could be beautiful and worth living without drink or drugs. Definitely not better before him.

Definitely 100% easier. I never realised how difficult/ stressful motherhood would be. Yes, it’s so rewarding and I certainly love my 3 DC’s but just when you think you’ve mastered one thing, along comes another phase with more problems and issues.
it’s ever changing and each child needs different approaches etc…. It’s probably the most responsible job ever.

I do realise how privileged I am to have 3 amazing, healthy DC’s but it is hard, tiring and stressful.

Practically things are harder. But unless you have your children when you are much older, most people have more responsibilities in their thirties and forties than they did in their twenties.

It was easier but not better. I'm lucky to have a lot of help though and I'd scaled down my social life a fair bit anyway before DD and I don't drink anymore so nights at home are more appealing now. Also we waiting a long time to become parents.

The one thing I miss most pre kids is just being more care free. I still always had things to worry about but since having DD she is the focus of every worry. I honestly can't remember the majority of things I worried about and none of those things get a look in now. I've probably taken it to a higher level than what is normal and I find it tough. Fuck, I really miss worrying about nothing.

Easier yes, better? No!

I can understand what you're saying as I was in a similar position to you 2 years ago. After 8 years of infertility we had our daughter.

Someone up thread said that either having children or not having them you still experience loss. I know they meant well but there is no comparison, it's not on the same page, not in the same book, not in the same library! The pain and loss of infertility is indescribable. It's a pain that worsens with time, doesn't heal.

I'll never forget that feeling and being grateful that we were lucky. I'm not sure if you are finished in your journey or still hoping to have children but if you're part of the latter I really wish you all the best with it. I was someone that miracles didn't happen to. In my 8 years of TTC I saw a lot of other people who had suffered from infertility become parents. I never believed I could be one of them and we were pretty much done trying to have a baby when we got a wonderful surprise.

@confusedlots this sounds promising.. can you expand

What I found hard in those early years was the sense on almost not feeling like your own, separate person. So constant is the need to care for your baby or very young child, that you almost forget where you begin and they end.

It gets better.

When they’re older end of primary aged it’s pretty good, and once they’re a teenager you’re fully your own person again. Yes, they need things as a teen but not in the same way - you can get up when you like, end your “working” day when you like, sit down and read, go for a nap etc. And that’s before you even get to the leaving the house possibilities…

I do understand how it’s all better than wanting to have children and not being able to / not having the chance. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard and a massive shock.

Yes definitely, however I'm not sure if I'd go back. I recently went on holiday with some child free friends and dare I say I missed the distraction of children. Sitting in a bar all day, moving to the next bar and then a restaurant. I thought I'd love it, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that I would have liked something to break it up, maybe not a park visit but something.
IDK I was never very good at being a young person. Early riser, first to fall asleep, socially anxious without alcohol, fat, hates clubs. I finally found something I'm good at (I think) and enjoy and so I wouldn't want to go back full time, maybe for a day a month so I could go to the museum?

I just did this and it was amaaaaazing! 💃🕺 3 nights away with friends

@Mamai90 Thank you for your post. I try to explain the pain of infertility to people or even myself but I think it's very difficult to understand. I'm 33 weeks after 7 years and like you have seen lots of people go through multiple rounds of IVF and have their babies while I'm still childless.
I still don't really think it's going to turn out OK for me. I'm waiting for a terrible tragedy. It's not a good way to start motherhood. I just hope my anxiety eases a bit once there are born.

Anyway my point is pregnancy has been INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL so far, I thought I'd enjoy moments of it, lol. But I wouldn't swap it for another 2 rounds of IVF and endless hopelessness. No way.

It was definitely hard when I had a 5 year old 3 year old and a newborn but now they are 22, 19 and 16 and it was much easier as soon as the youngest was past 3 years old. Two are already launched at Uni and working (although they love to pop home with friends frequently). The most exhausting time was early on and everything felt a lot easier past that stage. We haven’t had any issues with teens (so far, still got two more years to go!) I really put it down to luck because so many things can happen that are out of our hands (I had cancer in 2018 but fully recovered). My husband and I have pretty much been able to do whatever we wanted for years now. I am past the hardest years of child rearing and now just coasting down the hill. I wouldn’t want to go back as I love my kids company as adults and being married and having kids helped me mature and I’m very happy.

100% easier but for some reason, people still keep reproducing! 😂

My DC are grown with DC of their own. I think about their childhood days with nostalgia but really I don't miss that daily grind and exhaustion one bit.

Of course. It's the main reason I didn't have them. It looked ridiculously hard work. No one ever seemed happy and it seemed to be a constant drudge of logistical hell and screeched demands mixed with long periods of mind numbing boredom

What a mean reply.

I love them but If I could go back I wouldn’t have any. Eldest is disabled and will need 24/7/365 care for the rest of our lives. Seeing their daily struggles makes me feel so guilty.

It's definitely easier but how much depends on you, your situation and your child. Some people don't want to be doing child free things so therefore don't miss it as much. Some kids slot in some you end up changing your life for, some parents have a lot of support or pay for a lot of support so they can have their own life too. I'd say it gets easier from about 5 upwards although teen years are a living hell you do get more time back.