To think life was 100% easier before kids

[Pleasecreateausername95]

I adore my dd, obviously…but it’s so hard at times, isn’t it? I’m starting to miss so many things now and I know I won’t get them back…or maybe in another 12-14 years perhaps…and it won’t be the same then as Dh and I will be older.
Would you like to go back to being child free for the weekend to see what it was like?

It really all depends on what you want from life. If there is something you really want, then all the hardship and relentless hard/painful/boring moments you need to go through to get there will be worth it. When you don't want something, all the colourful descriptions of how wonderful that something is will leave you cold, because you just don't want it.

I hate going to the gym. I abhor it. i know exercise is good for me, but I still hate it. Twice I registered for 6 months and ended up going once or twice. I would find any excuse to not go. I didn't have time, it was too, late, it was raining, my exercising pants were not dry yet...

I love hiking. I find any excuse to plan and go for a hike. The preparation,. the exhaustion, the bad weather sometimes, the having to drive there and back... they don't bother me, because I love hiking so it's just part of the whole process that I love. My friends who don't like hiking find any excuse not to do it.

I am childfree by choice. I never wanted children, even when I was a child myself. I used to write lists of things I wanted to do in my life, and children were never there. I actually work as a midwife (not wanting children does not mean I don't love babies and children... I just don't want to take them home forever), so I am exposed every day to the life of parents. And there is not a single aspect of their life I want for myself. All the wonders of having children won't make me want them. All I see are the negatives. People tell me it's a wonderful experience, and I believe them, but it's a wonderful experience I never wanted for myself, so I'm not missing out on anything.

Women (and men) who desire children won't be put off by the nights of lack of sleep, the vomit, the poo, the constant sickness, the tantrums, the constant worry and fear for their well-being. For them it's part of the journey to parenthood, and the ups will always trump the lows. For me? Every time I go see a friend with kids I thank my lucky stars I don't have their life.

Yes I see this all the time I’m a lone parent and my oldest is autistic she only gets harder people keep saying how it will get easier once kids are older but that won’t be the case for some of us life has definitely got harder.

It's difficult because we're not meant to do it in silos. We're meant to have a whole village supporting us. Not having that impacts our time, our chores, our mental health, our children's mental health.

This I think is very true. One person home alone with a baby all day and then waking all night is not how we evolved to live.

I wasn’t a single parent when I had mine but my exh was useless so it felt like it. Notice exh now.

Obviously really feel for those who are saying “it won’t get better for me”. I was just trying to give some hope to those feeling embattled by the baby and toddler years .

I mean, sure it’s harder, you’ve got real life people to take care of and keep alive.
I do think it varies a lot tho. I mean, I only have one child and he’s just about to turn one but I’ve just handed in my notice to say I’m not returning to work after maternity and we run a busy, stressful business based at our home location. My husband is barely here because he works all the time and my family are all at a bit of a distance (not awful but far enough so as to not be able to just pop in and out). Is my life hard tho? I wouldn’t class it as hard. It’s a bit (lot!) stressful at times and it’s very different to before but I love my life.
My life was hard when I was 19 and I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship, was relying on alcohol as a crutch and felt I had to stay because my only other option was to move back in at home with my physically, emotionally AND sexually abusive stepdad 🙃 that was hard. What I have now is what I always dreamed I’d have and I still can’t quite believe it some days.

This is an interesting question that I've been overthinking for a while now.

There are certain aspects of life that are easier without kids. Holidays being the main one for me. I do miss being able to just book and look forward to a nice relaxing holiday.

However, I wouldn't ever want to go back to my life pre-kids (or pre-kid in my case), even for the weekend, because I just used to waste my time. I was (and still am to an extent) lazy. I am easily fatigued, which I blame partly on my autoimmune condition, but I know with a combination of the right mindset, more exercise and a better diet I could see improvements in that area. But before DS I just used to waste a lot of time on the sofa, thinking about how I was wasting my life doing nothing meaningful.

DS has given my life that purpose. Even if we're both just sitting on the sofa now, I'm still here loving and caring for him and trying my best to him a good childhood. And of course we do a lot of stuff that I either haven't done myself since I was a child, or in some cases have never done. We visit places, we do crafts, we marvel over a conker or a spiders web. I think having him makes it easier for me to feel like I'm doing stuff that has meaning and purpose, without even trying to - because it's just what you do when you have kids.

Yes it can be a ball ache at times and yes I do sometimes yearn for a little time and space just for me. But whilst everything is harder I also find it more rewarding.

It's a bit extreme but me and ex split and I now love being a mum even more as I get a break to just be me, to have a silent house, proper lie ins, recharge.. and then I'm an amazing mum when I do see them instead of burnt out. Same for their dad.
Best if things are amicable and 50/50 of course and I know that wouldn't be the case for some.

But yes being a parent to young kids especially is like an endurance test (filled with love and cuteness) but hard..

I mean what did you actually expect would happen when you have a child and are completely responsible for every possible aspect of his/her life? In whose world is this ever going to be surprisingly hard?

Ok, i'll bite. I expected it to be hard, yes. I didn't expect that a relatively minor physical health issue I lived with and managed well before having DC would worsen to the extent i'm now classed as disabled, which means all the 'normal' challenges of parenting are accompanied by chronic pain and fatigue. I didn't expect that one, let alone both of my DC would have SEN and even if I had anticipated this, I wouldn't have fully understood that this means instead of getting easier, parenting gets harder as they get older and the social and academic demands on them become more intense. When someone starts a thread because they're finding parenting a challenge I imagine the absolute last thing they need is judgement and "what did you expect?" There is no try before you buy option with parenting and not everyone's journey works out the way they planned or hoped.

I've read somewhere that whether we have kids or not, there is a sense of loss either way. With kids some have sense of loss of the old life, of their old selves. Without kids there's an obvious sense of loss of motherhood. X

Interesting. I think that I can see both sides since I didn't have DD till I was 41. I do feel loss of my old life but the feeling of loss of being childless was much, much greater. So yes, there is loss on both sides but in my experience the severity of loss is different.

My 20s were easier. Dealing with infertility, IVF and losses in my 30s was much harder than my life now with my beautiful daughter.

I’m childfree by choice. I was so broody in my mid-twenties, but I’m now mid-thirties and have worked closely with children and families for over a decade. I’ve seen how hard it can be. I’ve seen how rewarding it can be….but the knowledge of how hard it could be...I just don’t think I want to risk it. I still feel a biological urge to have children, but the logical one says ‘no thanks’.

I have a very full life. My job working with children is fulfilling. I love my family and friends. DH and I spend lots of time doing really active hobbies that we love (and we couldn’t do with children in tow). My friends with children don’t seem particularly bothered about not doing hobbies and are content to attend parties, or watch kids’ football for hours in the rain, on a Sunday. I just couldn’t. I’m vaguely aware that old age might bring some regret, and potentially loneliness, but there are ups and downs to everything.

@Goatinthegarden and I salute you for recognising the toughness of it all and drawing conclusions that are right for you.
You can always get a dog later in life IF you start feeling like you want someone to care for? That was my plan if I didn't have any children. I know a successful woman and she is about 55 and childless and has 2 gorgeous spaniels, she says she always has someone to go home to, and is never alone. Her life looks good.

I'm one and done and it's bloody tough, sometimes I wish we could somehow be part time parents 😁

Yes, we sort of decide for us which 'loss' is less and go with that 😄 for me loss of old life seemed less painful than loss of motherhood so I had one DC at 35.

I’ve got 3 under 5. All of them all ill. I am ill. Husband is working away. Life was about a million percent easier 5 years ago!

I was you this time last year 37 weeks pregnant and so anxious, it was hideous, I hated being pregnant. I didn't think I'd get a baby, even as gave me the epidural for a c section I was still panicking that something would go wrong. When I heard her cry it was the most surreal moment of my life.

When you've had trauma surrounding pregnancy it really takes the joy out but you'll be absolutely fine, probably advising someone on here about the same thing soon enough. Hope the next 7 weeks go in quickly for you!

Someone said to me just after I had DD that I would never be able to live free of worry ever again (or words to that effect). I was like “why didn’t you tell me that before!”.

yes life was 100% easier but I just got whacked in the face with a heavy hairdryer so it may be colouring my view.

I read something when my children were small that said " there's a life before having children, and a life after having children, and if you yearn endlessly for the old life you will be miserable."
This really resonated with me then.
I still think it's true.
I think it gets easier when they're about 4, my experience was that it gets hard again around 11-12, then easier at 17 years old.
Mine are both adults that have moved out and DH and I love just being a couple again.

Exactly this.

I do find that having only one child is tough though, in the sense that it doesn’t get easier. My child has different and more challenging demands of me - role modelling becomes harder, also they want me to play with them all the time.

What tends to happen imo is your kids grow up become independent… you suddenly think you have more time on your hands and then…bam! your elderly parents start needing you a lot more or become a major source of worry! … and unfortunately a lot of this seems to fall on the shoulders of women. There a great chapter on this in More than a Woman by Caitlin Moran.

@WhosafraidofVirginiaWoolf

It's the one silver lining for me of having parents who died young.

You are obviously not being unreasonable, but you are being unreasonable to sound surprised! But it will usually become gradually easier as your child(ren) gets older. And before you know it you will be back on your own again and appreciating it more (while missing the kids too of course!). We are just become "empty-nesters" at 51 and 61 and definitely not too old to enjoy it!

Also agree with everyone who says easier doesn't necessarily mean better! That goes for much of life I think.