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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 31/10/2022 16:22

I feel I've become very stuck. I can't just blame him though.

@MatchaGreen Serious question, what do you blame yourself for and why?

gonnabeok · 31/10/2022 16:23

I was in the police for over 20 years. I'd worked on an office before that. Yes there were affairs in both, but none more in one than the other. Although a lot of marriages broke up where one was an officer and the other not because it's a hard job, shifts can be difficult for partners and with the best will in the world it's hard to know how difficult the job is unless you do it yourself.

If it is the police, I would say go for it. His attitude stinks and he has zero respect for you and your integrity. What if the table was turned? How would he feel if you said the same to him!

Xiaoxiong · 31/10/2022 16:26

I can't just blame him though.

Why not? Who else is to blame but him?

And I'm not surprised he was good while you were sick. You needed him, you were vulnerable, and he had total control over you.

SlickShady · 31/10/2022 16:27

Look I know many posters have said LTB, but the reality is in marriage we often do or don't do certain things in order to make our spouses happy. Obviously there are some things that we don't at all mind doing/not doing, and conversely there is a point where a restriction becomes restrictive and coercive.

So the question is really first of all how is your marriage in general, ie how happy are you and would you do/not do things just to make your husband happy, even if you disagree in theory.

Then you need to ask yourself how restrictive is this request. Is this job something you've totally set your heart on, and you'd feel resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life if you acquiesce, or is it it just one option out of many, and you could in theory find another job and be equally happy.

These are questions that only you can answer. Crucially, the point is that simply doing or not doing something only to make your spouse happy, is not inherently bad.

Overandunderit · 31/10/2022 16:28

How many red flags do you need OP. You need out of this controlling relationship.

PinkButtercups · 31/10/2022 16:31

Xiaoxiong · 31/10/2022 16:26

I can't just blame him though.

Why not? Who else is to blame but him?

And I'm not surprised he was good while you were sick. You needed him, you were vulnerable, and he had total control over you.

This.

Peashoots · 31/10/2022 16:31

SlickShady · 31/10/2022 16:27

Look I know many posters have said LTB, but the reality is in marriage we often do or don't do certain things in order to make our spouses happy. Obviously there are some things that we don't at all mind doing/not doing, and conversely there is a point where a restriction becomes restrictive and coercive.

So the question is really first of all how is your marriage in general, ie how happy are you and would you do/not do things just to make your husband happy, even if you disagree in theory.

Then you need to ask yourself how restrictive is this request. Is this job something you've totally set your heart on, and you'd feel resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life if you acquiesce, or is it it just one option out of many, and you could in theory find another job and be equally happy.

These are questions that only you can answer. Crucially, the point is that simply doing or not doing something only to make your spouse happy, is not inherently bad.

Sorry but this is terrible advice. It’s not about how restrictive it will be, the Op has said if she accepts the job he will sulk and make her life difficult. That is manipulative and abusive.
what you’re essentially asking the OP is how much does it bother her being abused and controlled.
nobody should live like this treading on eggshells and not having free will.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/10/2022 16:32

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

Of course he looked after you....

When you're ill, you have no freedom (freedom to enjoy your life or have affairs....)

Mentalpiece · 31/10/2022 16:33

Op, you are a person IN YOUR OWN RIGHT.
This means that you are not controllable by another person with the exception of someone with official control, that being courts of law etc.
If you wish to take employment in a particular field then the only person who can tell you that you can't do so is a prospective employer, and only then within that employers own business.
If you allow your husband to control you on this issue then somewhere down the line you will regret allowing it and then you will resent him, which could possibly break up your marriage anyway.
Don't allow yourself to be controlled, coerced, bullied or put down.
This is your life and you only get one go at it, so if you wish to pursue a particular career then do so, regardless of what your husband has to say on it.

MichaelFabricantWig · 31/10/2022 16:34

Chilling.

I hope you take the job and find the strength to leave this controlling abuser.

beonmywaythen · 31/10/2022 16:35

Wtf?? Is it to be a stripper or prostitute? Otherwise tell him to F off

Mentalpiece · 31/10/2022 16:35

Sorry, I pressed send too soon.

Your husband sounds possessive, jealous and paranoid with trust issues.
You really need to seriously ask yourself if you can see a future of submission and accusations.

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2022 16:36

Yes, I think I would indeed think very seriously about leaving my husband if he thought that me retraining for a new career meant I’d inevitably be sleeping with my new colleagues.

But if he’d already shown his controlling tendencies and paranoia (by constantly checking up on me; by accusing me of being out to attract someone if I wore lipstick or dressed nicely; by thinking book club or a walk was an opportunity for an affair) then I would almost certainly leave him as soon as I could.

ThreeRingCircus · 31/10/2022 16:37

IncompleteSenten · 31/10/2022 16:01

Is he judging you by his own standards?

This isn't a relationship of equals.

It's prison guard and prisoner.

I completely agree. This is not a healthy, normal relationship OP.

Accusing you of meeting other men when you go to a book club? Not normal.

Insinuating you're cheating if you wear lipstick? Not normal.

Wanting to tag along to your girls lunches out or work events? Definitely not normal.

Giving you ultimatums and threatening you when you're unhappy and trying to improve a situation? The mark of an utter arsehole.

He is pathetic and insecure. He is also abusive. Research coercive control. Normal, happy relationships are not like this OP.

beonmywaythen · 31/10/2022 16:37

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I called my husband out when he made this type of threat. Very calmly I said "if that's how you really feel then we should split up because that isn't acceptable." He then freaked out and backed down and realized he can't throw stuff out like that. Stand up for yourself bc either way this isn't healthy

Unforgettablefire · 31/10/2022 16:38

Threatening to divorce you if you take a job outside of the home?
Adios! Don't slam the door on your way out!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/10/2022 16:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 16:05

I'm 35 and he's 41.

He doesn't wfh, but he did over the pandemic. I think that's when things started to happen. He's got really into reading about conspiracies (nothing too extreme such as flat earth etc). Although, he wouldn't call them conspiracies; he thinks he is right about everything.
He likes to feel in control in other areas of life, such as prepping and he's very picky about which news channels he watches. He once left the room because I was watching BBC news. He doesn't do this all the time though.

I feel I've become very stuck. I can't just blame him though.

OMG, I thought you were going to say you were 60 and had no pension and thus had to stay with him, or something.

You are so young, you have time ahead to have a wonderful career and a wonderful life, whether with someone or solo. Go for it! I'd kill to be 35 again.

He's not going to change except for the worse. Trust those of us who have seen these men in action. His paranoia, conspiracy-mongering and jealousy are going to only get worse with age, and he will ramp up the controlling. Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Fearful of applying lipstick?

As pp said, he's only happy when you're unhappy. Let that sink in. Let it really sink in.

Escape while you can. You have a long lovely life ahead of you, on your own terms.

Comtesse · 31/10/2022 16:53

He’s got this bad after 10 years of marriage, what will he be like after 20?

excelledyourself · 31/10/2022 16:53

Wow. Please free yourself while you still can.

FlowerArranger · 31/10/2022 16:54

Sorry, I don't have time to read the whole thread, but I have read your posts@MatchaGreen .

He is exercising coercive control. He does not have your best interests at heart. He is only thinking of himself, and he won't be happy until he has totally broken you.

You need to get out of this relationship. You are suffering boiling frog syndrome. You're very young and your relationship is very short. Save yourself now!

In case no one has mentioned it yet, I urge you to read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online, and it'll open your eyes.

And do the Freedom Programme. 💐

Original poster
MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 16:55

I think he'd be fine if it was a different job, although he wasn't keen when I mentioned doing a uni course to retrain.

I realise I'm making him sound terrible, but I think he's just got so used to me always being here. We used to work together too.

I feel a little jealous when he talks about his day and what his colleagues have been up to/ gets invited to work days out etc.

I just wish he'd support me on this, I've been struggling to find something I actually WANT to do. I've completely lost all perspective on everything it feels like. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

OP posts:
Cavviesarethebest · 31/10/2022 16:57

He is terrible

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/10/2022 16:58

If he doesn't trust you to remain faithful, then the marriage is basically dead anyway. Plus the coercive element to this ultimatum is horrible and verging on abusive.

No way would I let his views dictate my life.

Read about cheater projection - cheats think that everyone else is up for a cheap shag because they are.

cansu · 31/10/2022 16:59

He is very controlling isn't he? I am sure you feel slightly anxious when you are going to be out as you know he will make it slightly difficult. The way to tackle it is head on. Maybe you need to tell him that you find this attitude unattractive and that you are a grown up who can make their own decisions. Tell him that if he feels so insecure maybe it is best that you go your separate ways.

Allsnotwell · 31/10/2022 17:00

What’s wrong with you is you’ve allowed him to persuade you to do his bidding - you’ve lost yourself by pleasing him!

Tell him you are going for the job that this is what you need to do and IF he doesn’t like it or can’t support you then he isn’t the man you married and he’s free to leave.