DH said he'd leave if I take this job

[MatchaGreen]

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP you're in an abusive and controlling relationship. Personally I wouldn't wait for him to divorce me, I'd divorce him. He doesn't see you as an equal, he sees you as someone he can control. He won't even allow you to have your own friends or own interests. He is suffocating, misogynistic and controlling. How can you live like this one day longer? How dare he think he has the right to control you? There are so many red flags to him and he sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person who has no respect for you as a human or your own agency. You're his possession. Please, please, take that job and get as far away from him as you can. Even if you don't get the job, RUN now. This is 2022, not the 1940s. No woman should have to live as a pet 'owned' by their controlling spouse.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad.

Jeez just read your next update after I posted. Omg he's a control freak!! Sulks because you meet a friend for lunch?? Er what the holy fuck? That's ridiculous and awful!

Run OP run!!

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

I am going to talk to him when he gets home this evening. If he's still insistent upon me not taking this job then, yes, that's a huge problem.

Stop making excuses for him, and minimizing. Listen to people who have seen this play out. He's not a good man and this is not an unusual situation. You are being controlled and the pattern is quite obvious.

Whether he would be "OK" with a different job is beside the point; you are an autonomous human being and you don't need his OK to manage your career and your life as you see fit. For your own happiness.

Please speak to women's aid.

I hope it goes well for you.

You need to lay your cards out in the table - if he mentions affairs ask him if he trusts you!

From my experience OP usually the ones doing anything iffy are the ones so quick to judge i.e. judging by their own standards.

Tell him you'll be taking the job, call his bluff.

So if it's this job he has an issue with, make up a fictional job, that you're applying for, working from an office and see what his reaction to that is.

He's controlling!

He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.
He hasn’t done this YET because you do what he wants basically. But he threatened to divorce you if you take a job offer.
Things are on a very bad trajectory. Please please take the job offer and get out. You only 35.

I know it's easy to say LTB, but we've been together for a long time.

Look up something called the Sunken Cost Fallacy on google. That's what you're doing. Saying 'oh I've spent all this time with this abusive, controlling prick, I may as well keep being miserable with him'.

No. Go. Live your life and be free. It is never too late to change course, even if you think you've 'invested too much time and cost' in this 'ownership' that you call marriage. You've wasted so much time with this narcissistic prick, DON'T waste any more time than you cannot recover.

My first thought is: what he up to that he doesn’t trust you?

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

OP I am sorry to contradict you but you ARE being controlled.
You have a long-established pattern of altering your behaviour in order to avoid his sulks/recriminations/anger/displeasure.

Coercive control isn't always about threats from the abuser per se.
On the rare occasions you go out with friends, or to a bookclub, or put on lipstick ... you know you feel the threat of that dread about how he is going to respond. So you do it less & less. Until it feels normal to avoid doing perfectly reasonable things. Like going for a solo walk. Or choosing any damn job you choose.

I am sorry how hard all this must be to read.
Believe PP - too many if us have been where you are

Phoning you seven times in one evening was pretty much spying on you. It was certainly monitoring you.
He's depriving you of some very basic things.
Freedom and friends, oh and the agency to do what you want.

You just can't see it yet op.

He's bringing you down OP, judging by your last update, and this is what he wants. So that you don't feel worthy. He controls what you do, who you see...
Can't believe you'd consider not doing something that would potentially make you far happier. He should be happy for you. And like a previous poster said, he's only happy when you're not, he's controlling you big time. Does he show control over money and other aspects? And judging by your conspiracy comments along with everything else, it sounds like he has narcisistic traits.

Other things to look out for:
Does he think he's better than everyone else? (think you said that earlier).
Does he subtly put you down?
Does he neg you?
Does he lack empathy?
Does he need constant praise?
Does he belittle others?
Exploits others?
Sense of entitlement?
Does he gaslight you?

And more...

I spent too many years with someone like this. You'll never be able to do things without feeling guilty.

He does check up on you by phoning and he has threatened divorce.

After your chat he will support you in nake but you know there will be endless digs and sly comments and "jokes" until you cant be bothered with the hassle and back down to save face.

But he checks on you 7 times whilst you're out. This is no life OP.

DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me.

That is a threat. And if you don’t recognise it as a threat, they probably means there are a lot more examples of him ‘not threatening you’ that you’re just accepting. Stop accepting this.

Yep. Because if my husband said that he wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

Thirty years ago I took a job working with mostly men, which involved staying away from home on a regular basis. My DH was nothing but supportive, because he trusted me.

You need to take this job OP. Your so called DH is a controlling arsehole who wants to keep you at home in your box. This is no way to live.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there

I'd be drier than the Sahara with a man as tedious and insecure as that. He wont divorce you it's an empty threat, he'll just hang around sulking and huffing. He'd find it way too hard to get another woman that would put up with this smothering controlling nonsense. Frankly I'd take the job to get away from him, and as an aside do you not find sulking deeply unattractive?

@WrongLife maybe that's why you didn't successfully land on one! 🤣🤣

@MatchaGreen Take the job, no need to decide on the relationship just yet if you don't want to, if he leaves, then good riddance to a man who thinks so little if you.

I would be asking him why he's assuming I'll drop my knickers for a gorgeous man in uniform, when I have such a loving & trusting husband (with one eyebrow raised if course). He'd be getting the 'who the fuck do you think you are promising threatening to leave if I take a job? Partner, not parent and where the actual fuck do you get off accusing me of fucking anything offering???? Blah blah blah... once I get started...

This is still coercive control, it really doesn't have to be threatening.

The threat is not spoken, but it is that if you font do what he wants he will make your life miserable.

My mum lived with coercive control until she died. Her husband sulked if she went out without him, sulked if she saw her family, had various meltdowns until he got his own way,are snide digs at her if she wore make up.

You are already blaming yourself and this us what men like this do to women.

Take the job. I once refused a very good job with excellent opportunities because of an utter twat who gave me an ultimatum. He's long since buggered off to make some other poor sod miserable but I could never get that chance again. If I had the same choice to make again I'd ditch the bloke.

Stop making excuses for him, and minimizing. Listen to people who have seen this play out. He's not a good man and this is not an unusual situation. You are being controlled and the pattern is quite obvious.

This ^^

@MatchaGreen You are minimising and making excuses. There are over 200 posts on this thread that are all saying the same. Why don't you believe us?

Your husband has got you where he wants you. He has ground you down so that you think that this is normal and acceptable. It isn't. It is a very dysfunctional controlling relationship.

Take the job.

He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

Abusers aren't abusers 100% of the time. If they were, they'd never attract partners in the first place. Even if he is nice 95% of the time, that 5% of abuse definitely is more than enough to walk away. Also two other points, as a spouse - in sickness and in health. It is the bare minimum that is expected of him as a husband. Secondly, of course he was happy to look after you as you were vulnerable and stuck at home due to your ill health, which meant you were reliant on his and weren't seeing or visiting anyone else. So there is an element of control there, also.

It's coercive. Not because he threatens you.

He makes things untenable when you go against him. He sulks, accuses you of affairs or continuously rings you're out.

Now you don't want to upset him so you'll do everything he wants

Do you still wear lipstick when you want, go to the book club, hang out with friends on your own? Or apply for a job that will make you happy?

This isn't healthy. And it's a sad sign how much he's worn you down you can't see it.

What would you say to a friend who told you this?

I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here

It absolutely is. He wants you to arrange your life so you don't do anything without his say so.