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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/10/2022 15:57

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 15:52

This is coercive control.

You're not happy.

He's a jealous control freak.

The ten years thing is the sunken costs fallacy. Basically you feel obliged to carry on because you've invested so much time already. It's a completely irrational concern.

The question is do you want to spend ten more years of being challenged about wearing lipstick?

There is absolutely no behaviour or demeanor of yours that will ever make him change. He has a serious problem which will make your life utterly miserable if you continue to pander to it.

Spot on.

They always escalate. Always.

I have a friend who went from outgoing, ebullient and spontaneous to a cowed, humorless recluse because she couldn't make a move without him accusing her of trying to attract men, or sleeping with others.

She gained a lot of weight, stopped dying her hair, stopped wearing jewelry and makeup. If we did a normal outing like clothes shopping together, he was constantly ringing her phone and I had to shout "Hi David!" to prove she was really with me.

He died unexpectedly and she is like a new person. Lost weight, dresses stylishly, renovated the house, and is always on the go. It was like seeing her released from prison.

Rosenotred · 31/10/2022 15:58

How old are you both OP? It gets worse as you update!

Does he work from home too? Get rid!!! 10 years is not a life time move on quick ASAP......

Musti · 31/10/2022 15:59

He’s a controlling and jealous man. There’s a good chance he is being unfaithful (one of my exes was really jealous and that’s because he was cheating himself).

Either way, you can’t stay with a man who keeps you a prIsomer and doesn’t trust you to spend an evening on your own!!

It will make your very small life even smaller, you’ll walk on eggshells and you’ll have to continually prove your innocence.

fatgirlslimmer · 31/10/2022 15:59

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes I would, even more so since your updates. It may be your normal but it’s not normal behaviour.

Skodacool · 31/10/2022 16:00

LeMoo · 31/10/2022 14:07

Probably do the job as your dh sounds v controlling.

This. How dare he!

Quveas · 31/10/2022 16:01

PunishmentSnart · 31/10/2022 14:08

Start the training, finish the Husband

Couldn't have put it better.

IncompleteSenten · 31/10/2022 16:01

Is he judging you by his own standards?

This isn't a relationship of equals.

It's prison guard and prisoner.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 31/10/2022 16:03

You need to realise so much about your DH OP. he is happy when you are unhappy. You really don't need to know much more than that.

I had a difficult relationship with my sister. One day I realised that if things were crap for me, she was riding high. If I had something good happen, she would be miserable as sin and do everything in her power to change that. I haven't spoken to her in over twenty years and the relief when I went NC with her !!

It IS a massive kick in the guts when you realise that someone that is supposed to care about you is actively trying to make your life more difficult but realise this you must. You have been living in a world where you have been unwittingly appeasing him. Stop that now. Do what you want but in answer to your question would we leave after ten years if our DH did that to us? I've been with DH 20 years this year and he would never stop me doing anything I wanted to do but if he did, I would leave - absolutely. Not because of what is said and done but what it represents.

Fairycake2 · 31/10/2022 16:04

He is controlling. Absolutely no doubt about it. With every update you give it gets worse. Take the job and leave the husband. You'll relish the freedom

Original poster
MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 16:05

I'm 35 and he's 41.

He doesn't wfh, but he did over the pandemic. I think that's when things started to happen. He's got really into reading about conspiracies (nothing too extreme such as flat earth etc). Although, he wouldn't call them conspiracies; he thinks he is right about everything.
He likes to feel in control in other areas of life, such as prepping and he's very picky about which news channels he watches. He once left the room because I was watching BBC news. He doesn't do this all the time though.

I feel I've become very stuck. I can't just blame him though.

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 31/10/2022 16:05

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Er, yes !! How would he react if you told him you don’t like him being at work, he might have an affair. He’s to resign immediately and get a job wfh?

J0CASTA · 31/10/2022 16:06

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

No I’d not end anything. I’d just take the job I wanted , same as he would do

If he wants to leave because he doesn’t like your job, that would be his choice. What kind of person would do this after 10 years ?

C8H10N4O2 · 31/10/2022 16:06

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Reading your two subsequent posts, I think the real question is "do you want to spend the rest of your life restricted like this by a man"?

Skodacool · 31/10/2022 16:06

Throw it back at him. Unless he stops his insane jealousy and controlling, then you take the job and leave.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 31/10/2022 16:07

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I would take the job (and simply not accept - or pay attention to- his ultimatum).

This would be - for my well-being and future career. (Things a loving husband would care about.) His demands are not reasonable/fair and seem based on serious doubt about me.

I would not consider that taking the job would be LTB.

His behaviour might make me doubt the marriage though.

Clearly, in this case, if your marriage is worth preserving - you will both have to work at it (and the new job) .

BonnesVacances · 31/10/2022 16:07

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Surely the question is would your DH really end everything over you taking this job? After 10 years. If so, he's not worth holding onto.

Take the job.

Exasperatednow · 31/10/2022 16:08

Your dh is controlling. I'd ask him if he'd consider counselling and if he said no I'd call his bluff. This is going to get worse. Do you want to live your life like this? Remember it's your life and not his.

Fairislefandango · 31/10/2022 16:08

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

If a husband said this as a one-off after no signs at all of controlling behaviour, checking up on you, or unfounded suspicion...no. I'd give him a good talking to. However, your husband has already shown signs of those behaviours. He's ramping it up.

Either LTB now, or tell him you absolutely will be taking the job and tell him to his face that if he continues with any of this controlling bullshit, you will be the one divorcing him!

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 31/10/2022 16:09

Agree with a PP. It wouldn't be you doing the leaving, it would be him. Divorce him on unreasonable behaviour.

deeperthanallroses · 31/10/2022 16:10

Oh my goodness -reading this you really need to take the job. You really need a legitimate reason to leave the house often. You don’t seem to realise he is controlling and unhappy with you socialising with anyone else- that’s not ok. If he can’t be ok with you going ti work like he and everyone else then he isn’t ok to be in a relationship with. Do not stay and be worn away by inches in the hope of fixing him.

bewarethetides · 31/10/2022 16:11

You're in a relationship with a controlling, abusive man.

You should do the training for the job you want and tell him to get to fuck.

You should go to book club if you want to go to book club, and tell him he's not invited.

You should be able to meet up with friends and not have to 'explain' anything. And no, he's not invited.

He should not be accusing you of trying to impress someone just because you put on make up.

He is trying to keep you from having friends and interests outside the home because he knows what he would do if he though he could get away with it. And now he's projecting his own likely poor behaviour onto you.

Get legal advice re leaving and what you'll be entitled to.
Call Women's Aid re leaving safely.
Call friends for support/help in leaving.

ProFannyTea · 31/10/2022 16:12

OP please read your own posts. Almost every one contains an example of controlling behaviour. This job could be the best thing that happened to you if it means you are rid of him.

NyanBinaryGhoul · 31/10/2022 16:14

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Well yes. He's told you that your happiness doesn't matter.

Pirrin · 31/10/2022 16:15

If this has come on during the pandemic then could it be a sign that his mental health is struggling, rather than his personality is controlling and jealous.

If I thought rhe former I would not be leaving him as it's something he can potentially recover from and I would want to support him. Of course that would require being upfront about your concerns and giving him an opportunity to get help. And if you think the job is for the best and what you want, then take it. I would reassure him that you have no intention on cheating and that if he wants to leave as a result then that is entirely his choice and not something you can bear any responsibility for.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 31/10/2022 16:20

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Turn that around- would he really end everything if you got a different job? Even after 10 years?

Your subsequent posts strongly suggest control. Imagine someone else had written them - what would you think?

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