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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
VollywoodHampires · 31/10/2022 15:23

Take the job, lose the husband.

YeahmetooJill · 31/10/2022 15:24

Jesus, just read all your updates. Definitely take the job and leave the husband. He is controlling. He would rather you be isolated and miserable then him cope with his own insecurities.

If you turn down this job he will know he owns you.

Cornishclio · 31/10/2022 15:24

Men like this get worse as they get older so I would definitely take the job unless you want your life to revolve solely around him. If he divorces you that is his choice not yours. He is controlling and I could never be in a relationship like this. Is he as controlling about your relationships with friends and family etc?

bigblueyonder · 31/10/2022 15:26

Well, unless you are intending on setting up an Only Fans site he has no right to tell you where you can or cannot work.

You are not happy WFH so he should be supportive. Yes you will probably meet other men but that's life...does he have a job which brings him into contact with other women?

It would be his choice to walk away but I suspect he won't. You have every right to change your job...

Seeingadistance · 31/10/2022 15:28

PunishmentSnart · 31/10/2022 14:08

Start the training, finish the Husband

This.

notacooldad · 31/10/2022 15:28

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years? I did with a partner decades ago. I loved him to absolute bits but once he said I wasnt allowed to do something I really wanted to do I nearly backed down until my friend asked if I had noticed a pattern. She didnt say leave him which was very wise, but pointed out a few things and said dp you want to not do what you want when you are 30, 40, the rest of your life because he says so?
My Dh is my biggest cheerleader and encourages me to fly as high as I want.

Kennykenkencat · 31/10/2022 15:29

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Absolutely I would.

You sound like you are in some gilded cage.

and your last post was creepy AF

I would have shouted at Dh if he rang me more than twice in a night.
Told him to pack it in as I was watching a film or dc and I were out or I was trying to work. It’s annoying.

DH used to work away from home and he would call maybe once or twice per week

Are you sure he was visiting his dad as he could have been checking to see where you were so as not to cross paths

The only men I have come across who were always accusing their wives of having an affair were the ones who were having an affair.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/10/2022 15:30

WhoooohMatron · 31/10/2022 15:17

No but I'd be looking at marriage counselling as a first step. He's obviously insecure and likely calling your bluff but it's something that he needs to work on.

Show quote history

OP - DO NOT ENTER COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN.
Professional counsellors recommend that when one of the couple is abusive, counselling should not take place.

And your H is abusive.
You are in a coercively controlling relationship.
As @XmasElf10 pointed put -
It sounds like you are limiting the amount of controlling behaviour he is displaying by not doing things that might cause him to question you. It is totally normal to want to work outside the home, to join a club or a gym class of an evening, to meet friends for drinks, to travel for work without your partner. I think this job is merely throwing a spotlight on a pre-existing issue. He is controlling and jealous.

You have already - & I suspect for years - been changing your behaviour in order to comply with his control. This shows a clear-cut pattern of abuse. It may not feel like it, because his attitude & domineering manner will have ground you down over the years so that you normalise it.

Totalcrash · 31/10/2022 15:30

Take the job. This happened to me and I didn’t take the job - he got so shouty about it I backed down. Slowly the jobs that I could do got less and less.

dontputitthere · 31/10/2022 15:31

You know op it doesn't matter what job it is. He would find some way to object it. Anything where he can't keep an eye on you. Where heaven forfend you meet... people.

How does this thread make you feel?

Is it sinking in?

I fear you're very much at the realisation stage. This is not normal. No one here has said it is. Everyone is telling you to get the fuck away from him.

Don't blame yourself. It's nothing to do with you. What you can't put lipstick on? Go for a walk? No. That's not on you.

No one has said you're unreasonable.
Everyone has spotted his controlling behaviour.

What do you want from this thread? How can we help?

RiftGibbon · 31/10/2022 15:33

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I've been with my DH for 30 years and if he said this, I'd be packing his bags.

LaGioconda · 31/10/2022 15:38

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I think in this situation I would tell my husband in no uncertain terms that I could not put up with being married to someone who had so little trust in me and who thought it appropriate to issue that sort of ultimatum. I would tell him that, unless he withdrew it, he wouldn't have the opportunity to leave me because I would be leaving him. If it were my husband, I would be 99% certain that that would make him see sense - only you know whether that would work with yours.

Tangled123 · 31/10/2022 15:44

OP, has your husband ever been cheated on by you or a previous partner?
I don’t want to excuse controlling behaviour, but it might explain some of this behaviour if he has.

If he hasn’t, I would be wondering if he was cheating on you himself and is just projecting onto you.

Regardless, do not give him the power to be your anchor. Take whatever job you want and let him deal with it afterwards. At least then you’ll be better able to cope if your relationship ends anyway.

Xiaoxiong · 31/10/2022 15:45

I mean if he accuses you of going to a book club, of all things, to meet men or trying to impress someone by putting on lipstick I don't think it matters a jot what the job is or trying to reason with him. He is controlling and completely unreasonable.

And unfortunately, while the approach of @LaGioconda would work for my DH, my DH doesn't see me as his possession and has never been paranoid about me trying to attract other men with my lipstick wearing, book club attending ways.

I had a colleague years ago who had a boyfriend like your DH. He used to come along on meals out and trips with her when it was all just work colleagues and no partners. He was always holding her back and we all felt so sorry for her Sad

Hopikins · 31/10/2022 15:45

I would end my marriage of 52 years if my DH thought he could issue orders like that. We all need the company of other people and doing a job you would enjoy is the ideal way. You will have a very unhappy future if you do not stand up for yourself now. No one has the right to control someone else

Thurst · 31/10/2022 15:46

Unless the job is something like working in a sleezy nightclub or strip club then let him leave.
My husband is shit when I’m ill but he’s not at all controlling. Neither is good but I can live with him being a shit carer but I couldn’t live with feeling restricted and controlled. What are your lines in the sand? Can you live like this?

Hellno44 · 31/10/2022 15:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I've been with my DH for 13 years. I would end the relationship. He should be supporting you to find a career that makes you feel happy, valued and fulfilled. You're meant to be a team and your happiness should matterto him. Also he is meant to trust you. So what if the industry is notorious for cheating either he trusts you or he doesn't. A partner wouldn't throw out ultimatums they would outline their concerns so you can address them.

Lula74 · 31/10/2022 15:47

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Dear OP, I know it's a lot to throw away. But if you stay at home you will be sad, and if you take the job, DH will make your life difficult. All I will say to you is, my mum has spent 50 years trying to find compromises and is still controlled in almost everything she does by exactly this behaviour. Will you throw away 10 years to save 40? Maybe.... Only you can decide.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2022 15:47

With every update you are painting an even bleaker picture of your life with this abusive and controlling man.
Take the job.

If you don't you will be unhappy forever.

jeaux90 · 31/10/2022 15:48

Red flags all over this.

Yes I would take the job and I'd finish with him if he said one more word on it.

The book club Confused

RedToothBrush · 31/10/2022 15:49

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:54

I put lipstick on the other day and he asked me if I was trying to impress someone. He says it in a jokey way, but I think he means it deep down.

Every time I talk about getting a job (any job) he reminds me how lucky I am to live in a nice house and be able to work from home.

He doesn't force me to wfh and I have my own money.

He had to visit his father a few weeks ago and stay over. He called me about 7 times throughout the evening. He says it's because he loves me and wants to speak to me, but it feels like he's checking up on me. We barely speak when he is here anyway, he mostly sits on his laptop.

If I was to go for a walk one evening he would find it suspicious. Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

The issue isn't your job.

The issue is his inability to deal with his mistrust and jealously.

Your marriage will not survive if he does not address that. Thats not for you to address by changing your behaviour.

You'd be better placed if you have a decent job if he fails to address his issues.

TBH if he has trust issues to this degree, the marriage is doomed and you no longer have a functioning healthy relationship and THATS what you need to reconsider, not the job offer...

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 15:52

This is coercive control.

You're not happy.

He's a jealous control freak.

The ten years thing is the sunken costs fallacy. Basically you feel obliged to carry on because you've invested so much time already. It's a completely irrational concern.

The question is do you want to spend ten more years of being challenged about wearing lipstick?

There is absolutely no behaviour or demeanor of yours that will ever make him change. He has a serious problem which will make your life utterly miserable if you continue to pander to it.

that1970shouse · 31/10/2022 15:52

Be very careful what you tell him about this job and the training. For example, if he knows you have an interview, he will probably sabotage it in some way e.g. the car will break down or he will lose the key or he will collapse at work and be rushed to hospital so you have to miss the interview to be with him...

Anything he says, try to turn it round on him. "You work with some women. Are you having an affair? No? So why do you think I would?" "So absolutely everyone in x job is having an affair with their colleagues? Really, all of them? No? So why do you think I would be one who cheats rather than one who doesn't? Don't you trust me? If you don't trust me then that's not a good basis for a marriage, is it?"

lawandgin · 31/10/2022 15:53

Thurst · 31/10/2022 15:46

Unless the job is something like working in a sleezy nightclub or strip club then let him leave.
My husband is shit when I’m ill but he’s not at all controlling. Neither is good but I can live with him being a shit carer but I couldn’t live with feeling restricted and controlled. What are your lines in the sand? Can you live like this?

You can live with it now, but will that always be the case?

Tiger2018 · 31/10/2022 15:53

OP this was my ex husband - I took a new job just before christmas time years ago which involved an overnight stay as the head office/location of the party wasn't local - he invited himself along! It was really embarrassing to have to introduce him to my new boss. So many other instances of control to limitless to count. Girls nights out crashed, sulking if I dared do anything that didn't involve him etc etc.

What happened - I left. I just couldn't tolerate it anymore - I had no life unless he said so. I'd been with him for a little longer than you. You can break free. Right now it sounds like he doesn't care that you are unhappy... and want to change that. Why do you think that is?