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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
CaptainNelson · 31/10/2022 18:48

OP, I spent much longer than you have accommodating my ex because of his jealousy. It was easier, so I thought. But it's not - in my experience, the jealousy just gets worse and you eventually lose sight of who you are. And I think you're in that place, given your comments such as 'I don't know what's wrong with me'. There is nothing wrong with you; he is the one with problems of trust and controlling behaviour. I know this is hard to accept because you undoubtedly see yourself as an an independent person, but think good and hard about all of this and how so many others are seeing it.
Please do not let his comments, his 'sadness' (aka control/jealousy) and issues get in the way of you and your life. He needs to get some help with his issues, and if he can't accept that he's in the wrong, you need to consider whether you should stay with him, even if he's apparently lovely in other ways. This will not get better with time, trust me. Good luck.

BretonBlue · 31/10/2022 18:50

My God, this is awful OP. Take the job and get a solicitor. Divorcing you would be the biggest gift he’d ever give you but he won’t do it and you will have to hold him to his word.

Hellno44 · 31/10/2022 18:51

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

What a manipulative wanker. Tell him it makes you sad that he doesn't trust you and that he isn't a supportive husband. His happiness doesn't trump yours OP.

Sunnyjac · 31/10/2022 18:56

He hates the industry, thinks they're all
untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post
it here) but it's up to me if I want to work
with people like that.

He’s basically said you are untrustworthy. He has no trust for you and on that basis your relationship can’t survive. Do you really want to live like this for the next 30-40 years?

Bellsbeachwaves · 31/10/2022 18:57

Get rid. Take the job.

RagzRebooted · 31/10/2022 19:00

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

That would depend on his reaction to me laughing at his ridiculous suggestion and calling his bluff while I went and got my new job. If he carried on being a twat, I would absolutely let him fuck off.

gwenneh · 31/10/2022 19:04

he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

The ability to choose your own employer & field of employment IS a pretty basic thing, and he is using emotional manipulation to deprive you of that freedom.

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

Are YOU untrustworthy? Last time I checked you would have to be willing to have an affair in order for this to happen. You wouldn't suddenly become untrustworthy overnight, so he already thinks that about you - that's the premise he's using to keep you from this opportunity.

cushionfiend · 31/10/2022 19:11

"He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue"

He likes you to be weak, dependent, easily controllable and dependent on him. All the things you've said here are horrendous and it is coercion - it's emotional abuse. Please check your car (if you've got one) to see if there's a tracking device on it. And take the job - sod his 'Oh I'm so sad' routine, it's just another way to get you to do what he wants.

EstellaRijnveld · 31/10/2022 19:13

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I think the question you should be asking your dh is if he's really willing to end your 10 Yr marriage because you're starting a new job.

Bluetrews25 · 31/10/2022 19:14

You talked about him, OP, as if he is a conspiracy-theorist.
So no wonder he thinks 'they' are all untrustworthy.
He'd probably find another excuse to be 'sad' if you were to take a different job, such as nursing or teaching or anything where you are out of the house.

You are a boiling frog, my love. And by golly it is going to hurt if you do not get out soon. I'm so glad you are here. You will get it one day, someone will say just the right thing and then the scales will fall from your eyes.
I just wish we knew what the right thing to say is.....

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 19:14

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

That's all his perception, his problem. He's dumping his problem on you. He isn't going to fix his problem. You have to fix his problem.

And he is clearly implying that you would be untrustworthy if you decided to disobey his very unsubtle attempts to order you.

You are not the cause of his problem. The profession you are considering entering isn't the cause of his problem. There is nothing wrong with you.

The man challenged you about wearing lipstick in your own home, fgs.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/10/2022 19:16

Chomolungma · 31/10/2022 18:13

Doesn't he care about you being "sad" in your current situation?

Well quite.

But no, OP's happiness doesn't count. Only what he wants counts to him.

Melonapplepear · 31/10/2022 19:20

That's an incredibly manipulative thing to say. I wouldn't be having that I would say fine off you go then. These posts always make me feel relieved I'm single. Although tbh it sounds like he wouldn't leave anyway

VeganStar · 31/10/2022 19:21

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:10

I know it's easy to say LTB, but we've been together for a long time. I don't know if he'd actually go through with it, but I know he'd make it difficult for me and make it very clear he wasn't happy.

Well YOU’RE not happy!
Does his happiness trump your happiness???

Pipsquiggle · 31/10/2022 19:21

@MatchaGreen Look I agree with many other, he sounds like a dickhead.

What industry / sector do you want to go into where everyone shags around?

AnyOldThings · 31/10/2022 19:23

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. 100% I would. No man gets to control me. That’s not love and not a life I’d be willing to accept as my forever.

REignbow · 31/10/2022 19:23

He is being coercive though @MatchaGreen. He asks to come with you, sulks if he isn’t included and has threatened you with divorce if you take the job.

He loves that you are isolated and don’t interact very much with other people.

FGS, you are only 35 this is no way to live.

Take the job, ignore any sulking and attempts to usurp you.

You are best off leaving him

Worried234 · 31/10/2022 19:23

PeachPies · 31/10/2022 14:07

Is it the police?

This was the exact sentence that came to my mind.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2022 19:25

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

He is only applying light pressure now, (sadness, sulking, emotional unavailability) but it is coercive control.

He has just threatened you with an end to the life you have grown used to. Threatening to divorce you if you take a job he doesn't want you to is a considerable raising of the ante.

You really are the boiling frog here.

Here's a prediction:
He huffs and puffs, and sighs, and expresses his sadness, but you go ahead and timidly take the job. You start to notice how distant he becomes. The sulking increases, especially if you have shifts to work. He won't go with you to social events associated with the new job. He makes it clear that you are forbidden to talk about any stresses you experience in the job. Your car develops problems, and you're late to work. He develops an illness with generic but quite severe symptoms and needs support, etc. You find yourself feeling very torn. You believe the trouble is all your fault. It affects your confidence. You doubt yourself. You feel stressed a lot of the time.

Eventually you discover that he has fitted a tracking device to your car. By that time you have invested fifteen years in the shell of a relationship. You look back to how things were at the ten year mark and you kick yourself.

WindyHedges · 31/10/2022 19:26

If I was to go for a walk one evening he would find it suspicious. Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

No @MatchaGreen you haven’t brought it on yourself.

He is abusive. Look up the law on coercive control.

BreatheInFor4 · 31/10/2022 19:30

He’s jealous, insecure and controlling.

Yes, I would end a 10 year relationship over this, because I’ll be fucking well dammed if I’m going to live my life like a child, being dictated to about what I can do, where I can go, who I can see, or having to put up with sulking and guilt trips. I would stop being attracted to a man behaved like this, too.

ICanHideButICantRun · 31/10/2022 19:32

He's doing a really good job on you, OP.

He's saying that it's the job that he doesn't like, so what would he think of you working in your job but in an office in a nearby town or city? Would he still argue with that?

I think he would be equally unhappy with that. I'm assuming the job you're interested in is the police force, but in any case I assume it's got a lot of men working there. Is that right? Just what he doesn't want.

It sounds as though you're living a kind of half-life - would you consider going to counselling (on your own, definitely not with him)?

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/10/2022 19:35

Handyweatherstation · 31/10/2022 17:45

I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

JFC, that is such passive aggressive bull shit.

@MatchaGreen

have you asked him why it makes him
sad exactly op?

Runmybathforme · 31/10/2022 19:37

Sorry, but if he means it, he doesn't love you at all. I'd tell him not to slam the door on his way out.

Picklewicklepickle · 31/10/2022 19:44

He doesn’t need to threaten you, he’ll just sulk and make you miserable every time you go to work. It’s no way to spend the next 30 years of your life.