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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
DonnaDonna0 · 31/10/2022 19:54

I think when you’ve written it all down, you have realised how badly he can treat you and are minimising now.
Doesn’t matter if he’s lovely 95% of the day and only mean and controlling 5%, he knows what he is doing here and I think deep down you know this isn’t right.
Honestky Op think long and hard now because this will just become a vicious circle until you just do, say and act exactky the way he wants all the time, it will definitely get worse.

Daisy62 · 31/10/2022 19:57

Sad? More manipulation - the passive aggressive sort. If offered the job, why not try it? Maybe he'll change his tune and your relationship will recover if he sees that you're not up for being controlled (don't hold your breath though). If that doesn't happen, you'll hopefully have a satisfying job to help you get your life back on track.

MeganCrossing · 31/10/2022 19:59

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

He makes threats to control you

He then moves to emotional blackmail to control you

He is an abusive man

The sooner you understand that, the better

ForestofD · 31/10/2022 20:03

The absolute key to this is this- Every single person in the new workplace might be the most untrustworthy people on the planet.

But does he trust you? Does he think YOU are untrustworthy?

Because if you are trustworthy, it is of no consequence to him how they behave. Take the job, enjoy the change.

askmenow · 31/10/2022 20:09

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

He has subtly and gradually undermined you. Thats usually a reflection of his own insecurity, this need to exert control.
I'd be a bit worried at his relatively young age that he's so set in his ways. And so insecure as not to be happy for you and encourage you onward and upward.

Surely if he loves you, he should be "The wind beneath your wings"

andmostofallyouletyourselfdown · 31/10/2022 20:09

What would I do? Let the b leave and enjoy the rest of my life.

And 'get my ducks in a row' if he didn't leave immediately, because he had shown me who he was.

XmasElf10 · 31/10/2022 20:11

Not taking the job will make you sad!! Your wants for you trump his wants for you 😂

InsertPunHere · 31/10/2022 20:12

You can't see what he's doing because he's conditioned you to see this as normal. No normal, reasonable partner threatens to divorce you over a career change. No normal, reasonable partner tries to prevent you seeing friend or going for a walk, or rings 7 times a night.

OP, this is manipulative, controlling and extremely unacceptable behaviour. You're only 35 - you can have 50 years ahead of you. Choose a better life for yourself.

BakeOffRewatch · 31/10/2022 20:12

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I don’t understand how you can write this and not realise that’s exactly what he’s prepared to do to you, so why are you wanting to stay with someone who’d leave you like that just for a job?

MummyJ36 · 31/10/2022 20:15

Yikes. No. This is very bad. Imagine a friend was telling you this, how would you feel? Would you think it was acceptable behaviour?

Brigante9 · 31/10/2022 20:17

Called you 7 times when he was away? Holy crap, I’d go nuts. Bugger off, I’m watching Netflix! Saying something makes him ‘sad’ is extremely manipulative, he’s trying to make you feel bad and stop your plans. Don’t let him, he sounds stifling.

2pinkginsplease · 31/10/2022 20:23

Don’t let anyone dictate what you do in life.

go for it. Grab this opportunity with both hands, if he really loved you this wouldn’t be a problem, he’s trying to manipulate and control you and keep you where he wants you.

EatenDorky · 31/10/2022 20:26

What’s the industry?

My husband would be very upset if I was going to do something ‘immoral’ in his eyes eg something involving vivisection or oil+gas.

But assuming it’s just a slaggy industry like PR (ha) then the issue is surely a trust issue, ie HIS issue, not yours, unless you have been unfaithful in the past. Focus on why he doesn’t have any faith in you, why doesn’t he trust you? What have you ever done to make him think you’ll shag someone else given half the chance?!

Sallyh87 · 31/10/2022 20:27

What is the industry? I am trying to think of one known for being dishonest and rampant affairs and I am drawing a blank.

Timeshare sales person? Pharmaceutical sales rep? Not sure if these have alot of affairs but maybe they will be away alot.

Anyway aside from that @MatchaGreen his behaviour is unreasonable and he is being a bit controlling. Unless the role is arms dealer or Tory political aide,I can’t see how he is allowed an opinion.

TenoringBehind · 31/10/2022 20:33

How manipulative and downright nasty.

take the job, leave him, and start a new life.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/10/2022 20:37

He is sad you wont do what he wants. And his attitude is a sure fire way to drive you away. Couples counselling?

WednesdaysChild11 · 31/10/2022 20:38

Oh my God what a nob!!!! Incidentally are you planning on becoming a dancer on Strictly come dancing or something?! What kind of industry is this???

BankseyVest · 31/10/2022 20:39

More manipulation, he's realising he can't give you an ultimatum, that's not worked, so he's going down another route

RedToothBrush · 31/10/2022 20:43

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

He's now going for emotional blackmail to guilt you into not doing what he wants.

That is classic coercive behaviour!

realsavagelike · 31/10/2022 20:47

Get the fuck out. I did it with 2 young kids after 20 years of marriage. Please go soon before children are in the picture, or you can never be fully free from your abuser. And that is exactly what he is. It is so hard to see the coercive control while you are in it, I know. The sulking and amateur emotional manipulation tactics are unacceptable treatment.

DuesToTheDirt · 31/10/2022 20:49

"Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while."

Wow. He really has issues.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 31/10/2022 20:49

Looking beyond the manipulation, passive aggressive comments, gas lighting and guilt trips…it won’t end at this. If it’s not a new job, it will be something else and something else. The fact that you are spotting fit and querying it yourself, shows that you know it is an will continue to be an issue in your marriage.

The list of traits in a relationship where coercive control is used isn’t exhaustive. It’s the subtle things that eventually turn in to bigger things.

Please don’t think choosing you is a drastic decision, it’s really not. It’s the only answer.

WednesdaysChild11 · 31/10/2022 20:50

Sallyh87 · 31/10/2022 20:27

What is the industry? I am trying to think of one known for being dishonest and rampant affairs and I am drawing a blank.

Timeshare sales person? Pharmaceutical sales rep? Not sure if these have alot of affairs but maybe they will be away alot.

Anyway aside from that @MatchaGreen his behaviour is unreasonable and he is being a bit controlling. Unless the role is arms dealer or Tory political aide,I can’t see how he is allowed an opinion.

Strictly come dancing 😂

PlumsInTheIcebox · 31/10/2022 20:50

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:01

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

I am going to talk to him when he gets home this evening. If he's still insistent upon me not taking this job then, yes, that's a huge problem.

Please re-read your first paragraph and see what a desperately low bar this is.

greenhousegal · 31/10/2022 20:50

I'd guess he was playing away a lot himself.