DH said he'd leave if I take this job

[MatchaGreen]

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

Wow, unless it’s the sex industry and you’re training to be an exotic dancer, I simplify cannot fathom what the issue is. There’s enough other warning bells here (conspiracy theories, being disgusted by the bbc) that I would cut my losses and run. Fast.

1. DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me
2. Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.
3. I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.
4. but I know he'd make it difficult for me and make it very clear he wasn't happy.
5. I put lipstick on the other day and he me if I was trying to impress someone.
6. Every time I talk about getting a job (any job) he reminds me how lucky I am to live in a nice house and be able to work from home.
7. He called me about 7 times throughout the evening.
8. We barely speak when he is here anyway, he mostly sits on his laptop.
9. If I was to go for a walk one evening he would find it suspicious.
10. He once left the room because I was watching BBC news.
11. he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

@MatchaGreen I have summarised everything you have written about your husband here. Read it back and now say that you have a happy marriage full of love, respect, consideration and trust.
No you can’t because this is a dysfunctional, manipulative, emotionally abusive, controlling relationship
Please get your head out of the sand, apply for that job and start living. Do something for you for once.

Yes I would.

If my DH gave me an ultimatum, and also has shown me how little he thinks of me (that I'd just fuck anyone because of my job) I'd say good riddance.

Just because he doesn’t hit or threaten you with violence or demean you with horrible language doesn’t mean he’s not manipulating & controlling you.

Because he’s so kind & supportive in other ways it’s stopping you from truly seeing the nature of what he’s doing to you.

He’s actually extremely insecure & managing those anxieties by putting them onto you & controlling you so that he doesn’t have to sit with his fears of you cheating, leaving/abandoning or rejecting him.

I don’t think anyone is either all bad or all good they/we all have redeeming features & qualities.

But he’s really manipulating you. Is that loving, supportive & kind?
Restricting your happiness, wellbeing, personal growth, earning potential, career success to allay his fears & overblown anxieties of you cheating?

This is apart from anything else is so insulting to you! Is that how lowly he thinks of you? That the innocent act of wearing lipstick is an invitation for a stranger to take you away from you?

I experienced similar & it’s very hard to reconcile when the reality of them being actually coercively controlling doesn’t fit with the very kind & supportive, giving person they are aside from this.

It’s a head fuck which is what manipulation is.

If you are reluctant to re-evaluate your relationship then at least consider couples’ therapy to address his jealousy/insecurities.

If through that he’s able to own & admit to & seek change for - realising the unfair impact this has on you & on the future of your relationship then it may be worth sticking around & seeing if he is able to change.

Otherwise I’d advise you to really consider how else he’s controlling & stifling you & how in doing so he’s only ensuring his needs & happiness & excluding yours.

As a result he’s actually an incredibly unkind & selfish man prepared to guilt trip you into complying with him.

As such someone with those values is not someone you should want to be with.

Live your life & if he can’t handle it - then you know what to do - sad as that may be.

You say he doesn't threaten you, but you also said he claimed he'd divorce you if you took this job.

What is that if not a threat?

Does this man love you and want for you what makes you happy and feel fulfilled? It doesn't sound like it.
It looks like a crunch time for your relationship. It's emotional blackmail of a kind. Are you willing to 'behave yourself' and subjugate your own wellbeing to satisfy his immature requirements, that sound very controlling. Please take the opportunity to have some human interaction and enjoy all the nice aspects of that.
A question? Is he generally controlling? Sorry to say he doesn't sound very nice!

Op - take the job. If he would leave you because you now have the opportunity to have an affair - note not actually having an affair - then he doesn’t love you.

but he won’t leave will he? He’ll try to make your life unbearable - hell bother you at work, accuse you every evening, sulk, behave shit, in a hope it will grind you down to quitting.

if he can’t trust you, when you’ve not done anything to make him lose trust in you - then that’s his mental health issue and not something you need to fix, he needs to fix it.

Yup
I'd be taking the job and divorcing him

Controlling prick

Call his bluff the next time he says it
I'd be replying 'off you trot then'

I'd say if you want to do the job and there's no good reasons not to do it then go for it! You are not responsible for the choices your dh makes. But you are responsible for your own.

I’d be eye rolling so hard if my DH came out with this nonsense. Take the job OP. Life is way too short to be stuck in a job you’re miserable in. I can see you’ve had a lot of “leave the abusive prick” on here (why I love MN) and this may be where this leads but for now, ignore his mopey behaviour and crack on with what sounds like a great opportunity. Your DH will either realise he’s behaving like a bit of a twat when he sees you gaining confidence and being happy at work - or he may double down on his paranoid beliefs. Either way, he’ll show his true colours and it’ll be easier to make a decision about whether or not you want to stay with him, but I wouldn’t be rushing to leave when you need to be on top form starting this new position.

If the job is the police- apply for it. Go through all the training. Then you will see this- and highly likely other things you haven't disclosed on this thread- is domestic abuse and can LTB then x

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him 'sad'. I don't know what to think.

Here's what you should think: The threats haven't immediately worked, so now he's trying the emotional blackmail route to get what he wants and maintain control of you. What an utter arsehole.

Tell him that him behaving like a twat makes you 'angry'

So he wants you to stay in a job that makes you sad?

Why is his happiness more important?

Please do read “why does he do that?” It is an eye opener

I left my husband after years of being told on her he was abusive and then I read that book

I have 4 children so to leave was not an easy option. But the children and I are all so much happier now

It's only going to get worse. Trust me. I know.
Sorry OP.

I was 10 years older than you. We had 4 children and has been married for nearly 20 years. I had mostly supported him in his work in a company we ran together, and also working as an employee in a not for profit he set up. I was unhappy, as he knew. He was okay with me stepping back in my roles in his organisations but when I tried to get my own job outside (and the employer really wanted me) my husband threatened me. His exact words were “If you take this job you will make a powerful enemy.” (Meaning him.)

i didn’t take the job. The marriage lasted only another year or so until I finally had to get out.

Your husband is controlling you. It’s really really wrong. It’s hard for you to see because he doesn’t tick all the boxes. (Mine didn’t either, but did he tick most of them, though 20 years ago coercive control wasn’t heard of, and I didn’t know about it.)

Take the job. Ditch the husband. Don’t say you can’t or shouldn’t because it has been x years. Say how well you did for x years. You tried and you tried hard and long. That’s enough.

Never think this way.
It is him at fault.
Not you.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Absolutely. If my DH had ever have told me what job I could/could not do then absolutely.

There was a time where a line of work I was looking at meant that he essentially needed to stop his career and get a job that worked around mine IF he wanted kids, or otherwise we would need to seperate and he have them with someone else. That was a joint discussion and I would have been fine if he wanted to keep his career going and not have kids or I would have had to weigh up not going down that path and keeping the relationship and doing something else and having kids. This is all joint discussion/planning/agreement stuff, NOT someone forbidding someone to do something!

I’ve been married for 30 odd years and if my DH said that to me I’d leave him in a millisecond, honestly. I would hope if I said that to him (never would), he would laugh and leave me pronto.

It sounds like this is maybe something you both need to get you out of a rut.

I think covid shrunk many people's worlds.

Your husband doesn't sound a bad person but his fear is now controlling you as well as him. It will only get worse.

Take the job. You'll regret it if you don't and that resentment will kill your marriage anyway. If you take it then you might help drag him out of the hole before he sinks too far.

I'd see taking it as giving your marriage chance, not killing it.

I haven't read all of the replies. And tbh he could be an arsehole. If my partner came to me and said they were joining the police then yea it would be a deal breaker for me. My ex was in the police and cheated on nightshirts with another worker completely ruined my life and it's taken me a long time to build it back up. I wouldn't go anywhere near anyone who worked for them !

"He had to visit his father a few weeks ago and stay over. He called me about 7 times throughout the evening."

Bloody hell. I'd have asked what the hell was wrong with him (and no, that's not love).

Try reading the replies. Or maybe just what the ops added.

The job is the least of her worries.

She is in a clearly abusive and controlling relationship.

Posts like this don't really help.

Yeah I read them thanks 👍🏼 And yeah he sounds like an arse !
And I noticed that so many other people said the police too 😱 shame they can't spend their time fighting crime instead of shagging around eh 🙄 obviously that's for another thread.
I'm sorry you are in an awful situation with this man op I hope you can find a way out ❤️

10 years isn't that long. I wouldn't be wasting another 10 on somebody that behaves like this.