Page 13 | DH said he'd leave if I take this job

MatchaGreen · 2022-10-31T14:07:16+00:00

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years. I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change. I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other. What would you do in this situation?

dontputitthere · 31/10/2022 18:11

runjy · 31/10/2022 18:10

If it's the police then I do understand his pov. Detective sibling is going through a bitter divorce & most of the couples I got to know through him over the years are divorced or divorcing.

Is this helpful?

The op hasn't said it's the police.

She has said she gets accused of having an affair when she goes to the book club or puts on lipstick

So the issue is clearly far bigger than whether or not it's the police.

Monkey2001 · 31/10/2022 18:11

Coercive control can be very subtle, but he is clearly manipulating you and the more you let him do it, the worse it will get. You need to push back as soon as possible. It is not OK for him to call you 7 times in an evening when he goes away, and he should not need to trail along if you go on a work trip unless most people are taking partners.

Olsi109 · 31/10/2022 18:12

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

Manipulation. His whole aim is to make you question what you think and it's clearly worked. I'd be embarrassed to be married to a "man" who was "sad" about his wife's perfectly acceptable career aspirations.

Madcatwoman68 · 31/10/2022 18:12

He is being passive aggressive now and emotionally controlling. You have called his bluff and he isn't going to leave

Maybe he is being unfaithful to you even?

My advice would be to never be controlled by anybody.
What is to say you do as he says and in 30 year's time he dumps you. You will be too old to start your new dream career then.

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 18:13

Partners who are controlling don’t usually come straight out and tell their partners what they can and can’t do - that would be way too obvious.

My friend wanted to learn to drive.
Her partner didn’t want her to as she was reliant on him.

He said they couldn’t afford it, then that he’s worried she’ll get into an accident, then said she’s not a good mum because she’s choosing driving lessons over her DD and then every time she brought it he’d say she’s ruining their family time by bringing up something that was irrelevant and he’d storm off and not speak to her until she apologised.
She doesn’t bother mentioning it now as it just causes an argument.

He’s never once said the words that she’s not allowed to learn to drive but he’s definitely controlling.

Chomolungma · 31/10/2022 18:13

Doesn't he care about you being "sad" in your current situation?

fetchacloth · 31/10/2022 18:13

PunishmentSnart · 31/10/2022 14:08

Start the training, finish the Husband

This - he sounds very controlling.

Paradisehunter · 31/10/2022 18:13

It wouldn’t matter what the job is, it’s because you want to stop wfh so he won’t know your whereabouts etc, asking to go on an overseas work trip, wtf.
of course you are being controlled and you know it

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2022 18:15

The fact you're worrying about an exciting opportunity out of the house because your DH sulks and has threatened to end the marriage if you do it is a huge red flag.

The other red flag is that he sulks when you see your friends and tries to get himself invited. Either he doesn't want you to talk to them without him knowing everything, or he is hoping that you'll get fed up with his moods that you'll stop making social plans beyond the relationship.

Nobody should have to live like that and be challenged and criticised for innocent things to appease a partner.

It must be difficult for you responding to posters and realising that his behaviour isn't healthy. It's easy for anyone on here to say LTB, but it might be worth considering if you had a daughter whether you'd be happy for her to be in this sort of relationship. Then take steps from there.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2022 18:20

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I would take the job if I really wanted it. If he ends the marriage, that's his choice. It just shows he doesn't trust you.

I'd understand if he said this about you becoming a stripper or a top less dancer.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/10/2022 18:20

SlickShady · 31/10/2022 16:27

Look I know many posters have said LTB, but the reality is in marriage we often do or don't do certain things in order to make our spouses happy. Obviously there are some things that we don't at all mind doing/not doing, and conversely there is a point where a restriction becomes restrictive and coercive.

So the question is really first of all how is your marriage in general, ie how happy are you and would you do/not do things just to make your husband happy, even if you disagree in theory.

Then you need to ask yourself how restrictive is this request. Is this job something you've totally set your heart on, and you'd feel resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life if you acquiesce, or is it it just one option out of many, and you could in theory find another job and be equally happy.

These are questions that only you can answer. Crucially, the point is that simply doing or not doing something only to make your spouse happy, is not inherently bad.

Awful awful awful thing to say to someone in an abusive, controlling and coercive relationship as evidenced by OP updates.

musingsinmidlife · 31/10/2022 18:21

You aren't ending your marriage. You are making a completely normal and everyday adult decision to take a new job working outside the home. If he decides that he wants to end the marriage over that, that is on him. It would also say a lot about him that he feels he has the right to control you to the point that if you dare make a decision where you aren't under his control, he no longer wishes to be married to you.

HermioneKipper · 31/10/2022 18:26

Do you have children? If not get out asap.

(If children, maybe plan a bit but still get out)

I suspect that the career change is the police?

I always wanted to join the police and wish I had but unfortunately it’s too late for me now. With young children and a hefty mortgage the pay and shifts just wouldn’t work.

Youve got at least 30 years of working ahead of you, do it, make the change. Doing a job you hate is a miserable business.

menopausalbloat · 31/10/2022 18:32

I'd definitely take the job. I'd also not waste any more of my life on this absolute buffoon.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2022 18:32

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Your husband is insecure and this behaviour is designed to stop you interacting with other people.

The sulking when you meet a friend and accusing you off meeting men...

He may do some of these things in a jokey way, but he's very serious.

His behaviour might be as a result of passed experiences, but he is doing this, so that you gradually stop socialising and stay home.

Calling you 7 times when he was seeing his dad? That's checking up on you and if you didn't answer the phone, he would have beenin a state...accusing you of having men round.

Your husband is bordering on having Othello syndrome.

Orangewinegum8481 · 31/10/2022 18:33

Divorce and a new job.
New year, new you.

toomuchlaundry · 31/10/2022 18:34

If you mention a different job, that doesn't have such a reputation, do you think he would react differently?

Ekateri · 31/10/2022 18:34

I'd take the job, and if he goes, he goes

(Did you say what it was? Did I miss that?)

Poppyblush · 31/10/2022 18:35

You’ve got thoughtful confused with controlling. And caring is confused with being coercive. Take the job and move on from him.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/10/2022 18:42

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 18:00

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

So he’s not leaving anymore?
That was fast 🤔

Sounds like that move didn’t work so now he’s trying something else.

I’m sure being worried and getting angry will come soon.

Yep that's the script. Nice nasty nice nasty circle.

Op please read and reread this thread very carefully when you have time alone and really try to digest what (nearly) everyone is saying - we are strangers behind screens who can see clearly what's going on from just a few posts, so what does that tell you?

This is control. You don't need to put up with this.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2022 18:45

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:01

Thanks everyone. I have looked up coercive control, however, I don't think it's what's happening here. He doesn't threaten me; I have my own money; he doesn't spy on me, or deprive me of basic things.

I am going to talk to him when he gets home this evening. If he's still insistent upon me not taking this job then, yes, that's a huge problem.

One of the things about coercive control is that it can happen and you don't know it's happening'. It can be quiet and insidious. It's things that 'make him sad' when you do/don't do them. It's statements that make you feel you need to prove yourself to him, like 'people in that industry are untrustworthy' so you prove to him you are trustworthy by not taking the job. It's statements that make you feel you're responsible for his happiness, like calling 7 times because 'he loves you'.

Take the job, lose the man.

peaceandove · 31/10/2022 18:45

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:30

There was a potential opportunity for me to go abroad for a week, it was job related and would have just been people from the company I used to work for. He wanted to come too. It ended up not happening so we didn't have to cross that bridge, but yes, I don't think he likes me doing things without him.

Even if I meet a friend for lunch he'll ask if he's invited. He won't INSIST on coming but he'll sulk about it for a while.

I went to a book club a few weeks ago and he accused me of meeting men there.

Writing all this down makes it sound really bad. He isn't always like this. He is thoughtful and looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue (that's all sorted now and I'm absolutely fine).

Run. Run for the hills and do not look back.

Of course, he looked after you brilliantly when you were really ill. He would have loved you being helpless and dependent on him. I expect he would like you to be permanently bed ridden.

Run. Run. Run.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2022 18:45

Bye bye stupid controlling husband.

Hello new job!

Congratulations! You'll be fab. x

40andfit · 31/10/2022 18:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:54

I put lipstick on the other day and he asked me if I was trying to impress someone. He says it in a jokey way, but I think he means it deep down.

Every time I talk about getting a job (any job) he reminds me how lucky I am to live in a nice house and be able to work from home.

He doesn't force me to wfh and I have my own money.

He had to visit his father a few weeks ago and stay over. He called me about 7 times throughout the evening. He says it's because he loves me and wants to speak to me, but it feels like he's checking up on me. We barely speak when he is here anyway, he mostly sits on his laptop.

If I was to go for a walk one evening he would find it suspicious. Maybe I've brought it on myself and should have been going out more.

No one brings abuse on themselves.

Mirabai · 31/10/2022 18:46

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

Yes you do. You need to take the job and he needs to get over his insecurities. How will you ever be able to respect him stuck day in day out in a job you dislike because you turned down the one you wanted in case you had an affair?

You cannot have your life dictated by someone else’s fear and control.