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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Wibbly1008 · 31/10/2022 17:52

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes. I absolutely would end it rather than face being trapped, unhappily with a morons ultimatum.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/10/2022 17:53

Bestcatmum · 31/10/2022 17:50

I dont allow men to control my life like that. Its your life and if you are not happy then you need to do something about it. Does he think you are going to have an affair?
I think you need to go to counselling. They might be able to show you how controlling he is being.
My marriage ended after 20 years because I will not allow a man to dictate to me in that way. Not without a very good reason.
What very good reason does he have? Potential infidelity is not a good reason.
You need to get to the bottom of this.

Counselling with a controlling or abusive partner isn’t recommended.

Some individual counselling for the OP would be good but I suspect if she mentioned it to her DH he would try to disrupt it.

Livinginanotherworld · 31/10/2022 17:53

rwalker · 31/10/2022 14:41

If it’s the police he has a point
they are notorious for shagging shifts destroy family life
and due to what they do it more often than not changes them as a person

That’s rubbish, you could apply that to any industry ffs.

shinynewapple22 · 31/10/2022 17:54

It's up to you if you take the job or not OP.

But so try to separate this from your relationship with your partner and consider this. You are 35. You can expect to live for at least another 35 years - do you want to spend all that time with someone who is effectively saying they don't trust you? Someone who doesn't want you to have friendships and hobbies outside of your relationship? Someone who doesn't want you to feel fulfilled in your career? For the rest of your life ? And chances are he will get worse rather than better . Don't you deserve better than that ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/10/2022 17:56

So he wants you chained to the kitchen sink... time for him to wake up or for you to walk. And yes, seriously. After 10 years he should be supporting you, not threatening you.

Wherediditallgo · 31/10/2022 17:57

I think he’s been slowly conditioning you- that’s why you can’t see it, OP .
What you’re describing is not a normal relationship. Why on earth would you having a different job make him “sad”?
That is not a normal response!
In our house a new job would be celebrated.

Rafferty10 · 31/10/2022 17:57

Op l realise that these responses are hard to take in and very scary to hear due to the implications but to the outside world this does undeniably sound extremely controlling.
I think it has crept up on you until you end up not rocking the boat and doing what HE wants all the time.

If l told my DH l wanted to change WFH to an outside job, as l was very unhappy he would be very supportive and encouraging as he would WANT me to be happy...your DH does not care about your unhappiness, what does that say about him?

The stupid comments about wanting to meet other men.....a normal decent DH would not consider that you were trying to meet other men at work, it wouldn't cross his mind. Nor by dressing nicely or putting on lipstick.

Calling 7 times when out is also not normal, my Dh would not dream of calling on an evening out with his friends nor if l was on a girls evening.

He wants you at home under his control......

Think carefully if this is the life you want for yourself, personally l would up and leave. Please keep reading up and talking to lots of people you can trust.

SkylightSkylight · 31/10/2022 17:58

Did you ask WHY it makes him sad, make him explain.

so figuring he went from 'leaving to 'sad' I'm assuming the next will be 'disappointed' 'confused'

what is the industry?

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 17:58

I have been married over 20 years and DH has never rung me 7 times on a random evening out. He has never tried to control what job I do. He has never questioned when I travel for work.

It really isn’t normal.

If you find yourself stopping doing normal things because the repercussions are too uncomfortable, then you are being controlled. If you aren’t allowed time and space away from your partner without paying a price eg silent treatment, sulking etc. you are being controlled.

I completely agree!

OP when did you decide that you were ok being treated like a child?

I am a grown women and would never allow my partner to act like my parent.

If you want to do something that makes you happy, then do it.

This is in no way affecting him at all.

It reminds me of the thread where the OP was a SAHP for years until her kids had left school.
She then wanted to get a job and her ‘D’H tried every trick in the book to stop her.

DamnUserName21 · 31/10/2022 17:59

It might not be coercive but it is control and manipulation.
Why on earth would taking a job outside of the home make a partner feel 'sad'? Getting the strop/sulk when you go out without him is controlling. Questioning why you wear lipstick is controlling. Being suspicious of you going for an evening walk is controlling. Calling you 7 times in a night to check up on you is controlling.
Couldn't be more obvious, OP. Do you really want to spend the rest of your best years with this controlling (abusive) partner?
Take the job, dump the man.

Floomobal · 31/10/2022 17:59

I don't know what to think.

You think that you will take the job that you want to, and know that your husband is a dick who is trying to control you. Your relationship is on borrowed time. A few years from now, you’ll be divorced. But either doing a job you love, or even for their from your goals because you’ve let someone dull your shine

RandomMess · 31/10/2022 18:00

He's trying to guilt trip you into doing what he wants.

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 18:00

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

So he’s not leaving anymore?
That was fast 🤔

Sounds like that move didn’t work so now he’s trying something else.

I’m sure being worried and getting angry will come soon.

Darkstar4855 · 31/10/2022 18:02

The “I won’t stop you doing it but it will make me sad” comment is classic controlling and manipulative behaviour. Sulking if you don’t invite him when you go out with friends? This is not a healthy relationship.

Is this really what you want for the next 20+ years of your life?

Honestly, there’s so much more to life and relationships than putting up with this sort of crap from someone who claims to love you.

RampantIvy · 31/10/2022 18:02

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

That's a classic manipulation tactic. He is very sly. Please get your head out of the sand and listen to the good advice on here.

This is not a normal relationship. It is dysfuntional.

In fact, it isn't even a relationship. Where there is no trust there can't be a relationship.

Tell him that not being allowed to leave the house makes you sad.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/10/2022 18:02

He is trying to make you feel guilty for expressing your hopes
Manipulative just the same

Newtt · 31/10/2022 18:04

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

PLEASE take the job.

You will regret it if you don't!!

If you try it and decide that actually it is full of 'people like that' and you don't like the work / environment / people then there is nothing stopping you going back to your current industry.

Unfortunately our DH isn't sad, he's manipulative.
If you don't go for this job, I suspect there will simply be a different problem with the next that isn't wfh...

Haffiana · 31/10/2022 18:05

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

Well now, there is your lovely invitation to waste the rest of your life ensuring that he never feels sad. You can prove to him that you are a Good Girl who won't upset him ever again. Easy peasy, just do what he says and you can stop worrying about his 'sadness' except of course if you go out anywhere without him, or don't answer your phone 7 times an hour.

This is manipulative.

You are not a real person to him, just a walking mindless doll who will inevitably sleep with someone else 'cos industry.

Maray1967 · 31/10/2022 18:06

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Absolutely, yes. Simply because I know the man who said this was not the man I married so if he did say it we would be finished.
There is something very pathetic and also very troubling about a man who demands that his wife stay at home. Im sure many would prefer it because it makes their life easier re school runs etc but most would understand that they should not actually say it. Yours is threatening you with divorce - please consider that carefully. You want this job. If you don’t take it you will resent him and your marriage will be essentially dead anyway.

Womencanlift · 31/10/2022 18:06

I would rather be alone than live with a passive aggressive sulking child

You are 35. That’s no age to make changes to your life. Both professionally and personally.

Do you really want to wake up in another 10 years and still be someone who doesn’t like you putting on a bit of lipstick?

Ottersmith · 31/10/2022 18:06

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 16:55

I think he'd be fine if it was a different job, although he wasn't keen when I mentioned doing a uni course to retrain.

I realise I'm making him sound terrible, but I think he's just got so used to me always being here. We used to work together too.

I feel a little jealous when he talks about his day and what his colleagues have been up to/ gets invited to work days out etc.

I just wish he'd support me on this, I've been struggling to find something I actually WANT to do. I've completely lost all perspective on everything it feels like. I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

You've been slowly mentally abused by this man. That's what's wrong.

Slig · 31/10/2022 18:07

PeachPies · 31/10/2022 14:07

Is it the police?

I was 100% going to come on and say this!

Seriously OP if it is the Police. You probably will have an affair.

Ginger1982 · 31/10/2022 18:09

He's a controlling knob. Stop minimising and get rid.

runjy · 31/10/2022 18:10

If it's the police then I do understand his pov. Detective sibling is going through a bitter divorce & most of the couples I got to know through him over the years are divorced or divorcing.

dontputitthere · 31/10/2022 18:10

@MatchaGreen does nothing anyones said here strike a chord?

What are you going to do?

Live the rest of your life with a crappy job you hate, not allowed to see friends on your own, or heaven forfend wear lipstick without accusations.

Can you really not see how controlling this is?

What would you do if a friend told you this? That they couldn't go out without being checked up on all night.