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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said he'd leave if I take this job

456 replies

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:07

I've been (very unhappily) working from home for a few years.

I don't see anyone, don't have any colleagues, and need a change.

I've applied for a new role, however, DH has said that if I go through with the training he will divorce me. It's a common job, plenty of people do it, but he thinks the industry is just notorious for affairs and sleeping with each other.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 31/10/2022 17:22

He is also extremely manipulative, which is why you don't think it is coercive control.

Open your eyes and listen to everyone on here.

GabriellaMontez · 31/10/2022 17:25

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

You're not ending it. If he wants to file for divorce because you've got a new job as you're miserable in your current job, that's on him.

Ihatecocomelon · 31/10/2022 17:29

Taaaraaa dh

Wheredoallthepensgo · 31/10/2022 17:30

MingoDringo · 31/10/2022 15:10

Join the force get a divorce.

I think he's got a point. I wouldn't support DH joining.

Op hasn't said anything about it being the police. A couple of posters have assumed this. And you might want to read the OP updates about the controlling relationship.

ivykaty44 · 31/10/2022 17:30

sounds like a change of career is what you need, new start and new beginnings.

Take the job and see if your dp is full of hot air and how can he make your life more difficult?

skyeisthelimit · 31/10/2022 17:31

OP, the more you post the worse it gets. If you want to take the job then do it.

Also, you need to start going out a bit on your own, even if it is just the supermarket or a short walk, just so he cannot control you and know where you are every 5 minutes. Ringing you 7 times when he is out is NOT normal behaviour or "showing he cares", it is showing extreme jealousy and mistrust.

If you don't take the job then he is keeping you where he wants you, at home so that he knows where you are all the time and without contact with anyone else.

The relationship is not healthy. If it is going to continue, then he needs counselling to deal with his issues.

You can't put your life on hold because of his jealousy

CarefreeMe · 31/10/2022 17:33

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

It’s not you ending it though is it?

If you being happy makes him want to end things then that’s his issue.
It’s not fair that you stay miserable just to please him.

And I would without a doubt give up a 10 year relationship over this.
As this is your partner implying you are a slut who can’t be trusted and who would sleep around as soon as the opportunity arose.

He’s saying that the only reason you’re not having an affair is because you don’t leave the house but if you did you’d jump at it - that’s vile and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who thinks so little of me.

If you took this job he wouldn’t leave you over it, I can guarantee it.

But he would try and make your life difficult - when that happens I hope you see what sort of person he truly is and decide to put your happiness first.

pinkyredrose · 31/10/2022 17:34

He's an insecure twat trying to make his insecurity your problem. Sulking over you meeting friends ffs. Read him the riot act, tell him he's your husband not your jailer.

Out of interest what does he do for work?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/10/2022 17:35

He is depriving you of a very basic thing, although I realise you can't see it at the moment
Your autonomy
He's a controller and enjoys keeping you hostage

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 31/10/2022 17:35

OP, read these lyrics/watch the YouTube video.

You don't own me
I'm not just one of your many toys
You don't own me
Don't say I can't go with other boys
And don't tell me what to do
Don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display 'cause
You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
And don't tell me what to do
Oh, don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display
I don't tell you what to say
Oh, don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free

Chomolungma · 31/10/2022 17:35

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

I wouldn't end everything if he said it to me. But I would go ahead with the training. It would then be up to him whether to end things or whether it was an empty threat.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/10/2022 17:36

I have been married over 20 years and DH has never rung me 7 times on a random evening out. He has never tried to control what job I do. He has never questioned when I travel for work.
It really isn’t normal.

If you find yourself stopping doing normal things because the repercussions are too uncomfortable, then you are being controlled. If you aren’t allowed time and space away from your partner without paying a price eg silent treatment, sulking etc. you are being controlled.

Livinginanotherworld · 31/10/2022 17:37

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

No but I’d take the job, if he wants to leave…his choice. Nobody would control me like that, even after 10, 25, 40 years.

DarceyG · 31/10/2022 17:38

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 14:17

I really appreciate everyone's input. I feel a bit lost with everything right now.

Would you really end everything if your DH said this to you? Even after 10 years?

Yes I would. He has no right whatsoever to dictate what you do for a job. It easy to say I would never tolerate that. I’ve put up with ridiculous behaviour in the past but you need to live your own life. He is actually pathetic

DWMoosmum · 31/10/2022 17:41

Sounds like he's trying divorce you and make you the scapegoat!

Handyweatherstation · 31/10/2022 17:41

looked after me amazingly when I had a serious health issue

It's likely you were vulnerable and he had you right where he wanted you, reliant on him.

SiobhanSharpe · 31/10/2022 17:43

Pixiedust1234 · 31/10/2022 14:41

OP - regarding him looking after you and being kind.

After 40yrs I've found out my DH is abusive. Womens aid, GPs, counsellors all tell me so. Right now my health is through the floor and i am bedbound mostly and my DH is practically skipping around the house grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I have NEVER seen him like this, not even on our wedding day or birth of our children. Its freaking me out a little tbh.

That sounds really concerning, @Pixiedust1234.
But it should be freaking you out a lot.
I hope you recover soon.

Original poster
MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Handyweatherstation · 31/10/2022 17:45

I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

JFC, that is such passive aggressive bull shit.

RishisProudMum · 31/10/2022 17:45

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

Your husband is an abusive loser. That’s what we think.

ProFannyTea · 31/10/2022 17:47

MatchaGreen · 31/10/2022 17:43

I've just spoken to him and he said that I can do what I want but it makes him "sad."

He hates the industry, thinks they're all untrustworthy (and worse but I won't post it here) but it's up to me if I want to work with people like that.

I don't know what to think.

Yes you do. You know exactly what to think because it's staring you in the face, but you don't really want to think it because it would mean your marriage isn't what you thought it was. He is manipulating and controlling you.

Quartz2208 · 31/10/2022 17:47

Yep he is now trying to stop you by saying it makes him sad.

Where is how sad your situation makes you in any of this?

Yes this would make me leave. DH would never put that on me though

Notaboutthebass · 31/10/2022 17:50

Tell him you're taking it.

Bestcatmum · 31/10/2022 17:50

I dont allow men to control my life like that. Its your life and if you are not happy then you need to do something about it. Does he think you are going to have an affair?
I think you need to go to counselling. They might be able to show you how controlling he is being.
My marriage ended after 20 years because I will not allow a man to dictate to me in that way. Not without a very good reason.
What very good reason does he have? Potential infidelity is not a good reason.
You need to get to the bottom of this.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/10/2022 17:50

Is his “sadness” really more important than your feelings of loneliness and frustration?