To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

[AMorningstar]

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job)

I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM.

Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

Do you know how you would have the money for him to work less?
By making it.
You are the one saying your life is so easy, enjoyable and restful.
I personally just don’t see why you wouldn’t share the burden, since that is how you refer to your husband having to work.

I've answered this about 5 times, but weird how all these folks with fabulous careers seem unable to read. I've offered to do this before. He doesn't want to change the structure of it, he knows I don't want to either. We have enough money for him to do less hours bur he doesn't want to sacrifice our lifestyle. His choice.

holidayelbow · Today 08:48
The issue isn't not working or bring a Sahm- the issue for me is that a lot of people on this thread have said, why should they work when they don't have to. This is the problem as it continues to facilitate societal sexism that there will automatically be a man earning and wanting to support a women by default. They these are the ingrained roles. I know for sure I would not like it if I worked 40-50'hours a week and my husband went to the gym, for coffee, did some mopping, met friends for lunch. I don't know how it doesn't build resentment- make or female. I would love to get the man's perspective on this. Because a lot including the OP have actively said Tbey enjoy their freedom to Dj whatever etc. so it isn't about childcare

This is where I fight the female cause from home. During all those hard years of child rearing, I did 99% of the grunt work. The sleepless nights, the caring for sick kids, home cooked meals, the housework. That stuff still needs doing. Me doing it, enabled my DH to do his job well and bring home the bacon. For our family and knowing myself, if I’d gone back to work I’d’ve been knackered, grumpy and miserable. So now that the kids are up and almost away, I’m kicking back a bit. My DH doesn’t bother because he knows he wouldn’t be where he is today if it weren’t for me, and should he forget, I’m very capable of reminding him. This is what I mean when I say I fight for the female cause from the other side. I don’t need to work or compete on the same field to do so. I’ll do what women have been doing for millennia and happily remind everyone that we’re all bloody awesome for it. And I’ll happily big up any woman who chooses to go back to work or any woman who has to go back to work. Let’s just stop shitting on each other.
I’m older and creakier and knackered anyway so would have been even more so trying to keep all those plates spinning. I know some women would always want to work, that’s great, some women would prefer not to but have to, not so great and those who neither want to nor need to, what does it matter, they’ve made their choices. That’s what the fight is about - choice!

I also agree with cagliari’s post. Women often criticise other women because they are insecure and see different choices as an unspoken criticism of their own choices. As for being devastated by your child choosing to be a SAHM - how ridiculous. Save your sense of devastation for something more worthy, like death or lifelong imprisonment, ffs.

@YeahmetooJill

Except that wasn't the point I was making.

The op said she thought women being obligated to work was depressing.

She can't answer why her oh being obligated to isn't.

Saying they chose it seems to make it ok.

So why isn't it ok for women who choose it?

I've been SAHM, worked full time, worked part time.

Every situation is different. I've adapted to family needs and demands at the time and we've made the decision as a couple to address what's the best plan of action.

My husband earns six figures. I could go to the gym/do hobbies/cook/lunch/dog walk/Netflix all day.. I wouldn't do housework as we have a cleaner. Actually we also have a housekeeper, tutor, gardener and my husbands PA sorts social stuff out. He has said to me.. You've worked hard, I love my work, do what you want.

Conscience and the desire to contribute to wider society in a worthwhile and valid way meant I decided to retrain when the youngest (of four) started Reception. I'm now a secondary teacher specialising in pastoral care and a head of year.

I now do a four day week which eases things somewhat and it's draining, challenging.. At times stressful, but ever-changing, rewarding, emotional and wonderful. The sense of feeling truly valued and supported as a colleague, team member and professional, knowing I am helping in an extremely important way... Is what makes me love not only my job, but the people around me and the fact I am doing something for society.

TheKeatingFive - SAHMs are as able and equipped as the next woman to assess their own financial vulnerability.

www.jrf.org.uk/blog/women-should-not-be-held-back-because-vital-care-they-provide

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jun/15/childcare-costs-women-britain-work-mothers

The sexism in this thread of seeing the work men do, but not the work of raising children or domestic labour, is really telling of how work associated with ,women’ is not valued.

The man with a SAHW does not gain a burden, he’s relieved of an enormous burden of work.

SAHMs are as able and equipped as the next woman to assess their own financial vulnerability.

Unfotunately that's not true in a general sense. And many, many threads on here will show that.

The female pension deficit is a well evidenced phenomenon.

I wouldn't say the SAHMs I've met did nothing for the society, just majority was in informal and unpaid setup.

Extra adult for school trips, hosting several children's friends over days off, organising some local events, starting something of their liking which later might have turned into business.

People who has their basic needs well covered will want to do something more, something gratifying. While I totally support a right for career for women, I don't glorify full time work as the only option and I am thinking about dropping some hours in my main career and replacing it by some living at the moment.

It's OK for women to work I've never said otherwise.

@AMorningstar

Yes you have.

Repeatedly.

It's depressing. It's slavery

Etc etc

Make your mind up

None of that says women wouldn't choose to be SAHM if money wasn't a concern, which was your claim.

@YeahmetooJill

The sexism of presuming that only women can raise children or bear the domestic load is horrific

I think work in general sucks and the current economic model is rubbish. But that's not the same as me saying women shouldn't work. dont put words in my mouth because you're bitter that not everyone thinks you're noble for having a career.

Don't think anyones said that either. You make a lot of strawman arguments

So being a housewife implies a happier relationship? Please elaborate? I’m curious about the assumptions that have informed this conclusion?

If I say the full thought behind this, I'll upset some posters here. But I'll try to summarise it as less stress and more time to dedicate to the relationship in multiple ways including physically.

TheKeatingFive - how many SAHMs do you actually know in real life? Or do you base your entire view of SAHMs from "threads on here?"

There are threads in here that could illustrate any scenario or prejudice if you're so inclined to find them.

@AMorningstar

No it wasn't.

My claim was that the majority of sahm are trapped by finances or care needs of disabled children.

Once again, you've inferred a pov that backs up your own beliefs because you seem incapable of accepting that others might think differently to you.

You honestly can't seem to get your hear round that others don't feel like you. So they must really feel like you but be in denial about it.

It's very odd

I'm fine with others preferring work. Im not fine with them acting like SAHM is an inferior role.

Lol.

I dont care what you think about my career.

Not me starting threads whining about not being respected

What was it you said said?

Oh thats right.

Tough shit

how many SAHMs do you actually know in real life? Or do you base your entire view of SAHMs from "threads on here?"

Its not about how many I know, but the clear economic data that evidences women's pension deficits and the role that coming out of the workforce plays in exacerbating that. It's a real problem, but deny it if you wish.