Page 33 | To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

AMorningstar · 2022-10-30T17:43:42+00:00

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job) I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM. Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

Wiccan · 31/10/2022 08:47

Herejustforthisone · 31/10/2022 07:51

How long are you going to attend to this thread, OP? It’s such a demand on your time. That sounds sarky but it’s not. You’ve posted an awful lot. When you’re easily tired, and want to spend your time doing things you enjoy like resting and painting and being present for your family, I cannot understand why you’d start a MN thread, stay up late posting on it getting into squabbles, start posting again early in the morning, and post nearly 200 messages. 😐

Well you all seem to have time to join in !

TartanGirl1 · 31/10/2022 08:48

@AMorningstar you said there is less stress in a relationship with only one worker. That is not necessarily true, being the sole earner can put a great deal of pressure on them to succeed, continue to be the breadwinner and make it difficult for them to leave a company they dislike for fear of something going wrong.

cagliari · 31/10/2022 08:48

"Kids are young for such a short time and e benefit from socialization"

Yes because mums are incapable of socialising with their own children. 😆

Livetoplay · 31/10/2022 08:48

‘Are you saying women are stupid? That we don't have capacity to choose a decent husband? Because that's what it sounds like there.’

you sound very young, OP. Certainly not experienced enough to know very few people in the world deliberately choose a partner that they don’t think are ‘decent’ in the first place.

I have the feeling that life will turn round a bite you in the ass one day. Hard.

holidayelbow · 31/10/2022 08:48

The issue isn't not working or bring a Sahm- the issue for me is that a lot of people on this thread have said, why should they work when they don't have to. This is the problem as it continues to facilitate societal sexism that there will automatically be a man earning and wanting to support a women by default. They these are the ingrained roles. I know for sure I would not like it if I worked 40-50'hours a week and my husband went to the gym, for coffee, did some mopping, met friends for lunch. I don't know how it doesn't build resentment- make or female. I would love to get the man's perspective on this. Because a lot including the OP have actively said Tbey enjoy their freedom to Dj whatever etc. so it isn't about childcare

Autumndays123 · 31/10/2022 08:49

LolaSmiles · 31/10/2022 07:03

The waters are being muddied because several posters, and I think the OP to some extent, are equating being a SAHP with being a housewife.

There's a big difference between:

A. Getting to a point in life and either parent opts to be a SAHP because both people have made an informed decision, considered their financial future and decided it's right for them

B. Having your goals and aspirations for life being to marry a spouse who will work to fund your lifestyle of leisure, because you have never felt a desire to work since childhood. Life is too short to be a wage slave and you'd much rather enjoy your days. You might go on to have children, but decades later when they're grown up you have no desire to work then either because it's your goal to have a spouse funding you from early adulthood to retirement and death.

For the OP to have a housewife aspiration, have decided they don't want to work full time since they were a young child, be a housewife from early 20s, consider themselves financially independent in their 20s because they don't have to ask their husband to spend household money sounds quite sheltered. It sounds especially sheltered when proof that not all money comes from the husband is that her father gave money towards their house, and divorce and infidelity isn't a problem for them as they don't believe in it and she's chosen her spouse wisely.

I think that's come from the OP. She is currently a SAHP but aspires to be a housewife once the children are older as she doesn't want to ever have to work.

OP said once the children are grown she can't work because she will be needed at home to make home cooked meals and answer the door if there are any deliveries or tradespeople

Topgub · 31/10/2022 08:49

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 00:17

The insecure ones are those complaining other women's choices make the environment more hostile for them. Tough shit

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Stating a fact isn't showing insecurity.

Saying you can't cope with your choice being criticised does.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:50

TartanGirl1 · 31/10/2022 08:48

@AMorningstar you said there is less stress in a relationship with only one worker. That is not necessarily true, being the sole earner can put a great deal of pressure on them to succeed, continue to be the breadwinner and make it difficult for them to leave a company they dislike for fear of something going wrong.

It also means they have little to worry about outside of work, have healthy meals and generally a happy relationship

OP posts:

Livetoplay · 31/10/2022 08:50

‘, I cannot understand why you’d start a MN thread, stay up late posting on it getting into squabbles’

despite being so fulfilled at home, OP sounds like they have a lot of time on their hands…

IhateHermioneGranger · 31/10/2022 08:51

Livetoplay · 31/10/2022 08:48

‘Are you saying women are stupid? That we don't have capacity to choose a decent husband? Because that's what it sounds like there.’

you sound very young, OP. Certainly not experienced enough to know very few people in the world deliberately choose a partner that they don’t think are ‘decent’ in the first place.

I have the feeling that life will turn round a bite you in the ass one day. Hard.

Exactly.

Fairylightsongs · 31/10/2022 08:53

Well this got strange over night. Op you were up to 1am arguing with people on here them have been at it again since just after 7 and pretty much non stop since then ?

Who is deal with the kids whilst you spend all your time fighting with people online? Haven’t you got better stuff to do? Than he goady and pick fights on line?

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:53

holidayelbow · 31/10/2022 08:48

The issue isn't not working or bring a Sahm- the issue for me is that a lot of people on this thread have said, why should they work when they don't have to. This is the problem as it continues to facilitate societal sexism that there will automatically be a man earning and wanting to support a women by default. They these are the ingrained roles. I know for sure I would not like it if I worked 40-50'hours a week and my husband went to the gym, for coffee, did some mopping, met friends for lunch. I don't know how it doesn't build resentment- make or female. I would love to get the man's perspective on this. Because a lot including the OP have actively said Tbey enjoy their freedom to Dj whatever etc. so it isn't about childcare

If most men and women choose this or would choose this given the choice, maybe its not sexism and some of you need to accept that maybe most women are not career oriented.

OP posts:

IhateHermioneGranger · 31/10/2022 08:53

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:35

Are you saying women are stupid? That we don't have capacity to choose a decent husband? Because that's what it sounds like there.

Naive and smug because I have a happy marriage. God everyone on MN really is miserable.

I'm sure some did. But the very high divorce rates suggest somwthing is amiss. I don't think stress helps.

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Maybe they should have consulted your crystal ball.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:54

Lmao judgements and assertions about my life, classy. I don't have to justify anything to any of you. Know that I'm happy and fulfilled and that makes you seethe for some reason. Pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:54

Topgub · 31/10/2022 08:49

Stating a fact isn't showing insecurity.

Saying you can't cope with your choice being criticised does.

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Me not working doesn't make your life harder. Maybe you're just not very good St your job.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 31/10/2022 08:55

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:46

Also confused what the elephant in the room is re my other threads. That I like York Christmas Market? That I said someone's partners lack of communication was a problem? Truly heinous crimes. 😂

That both you and your husband have ADHD.

Topgub · 31/10/2022 08:55

GoodnightGentleBoris · 31/10/2022 02:40

I find the accusation that anyone who is negative or critical of SAHMs “jealous” really interesting. Do you really think that women who have their own career and life would be jealous of women staying at home and living off someone else’s money?

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Yes, it shows up true feelings on the issue.

Sahms/housewives will often claim that they don't think they are better/superior. That they don't judge working mums.

It just 'suits their family better'

But then the accusations of jealousy and bitterness creep in when their choices are criticised. Why would anyone be jealous of a choice that isn't better?

They are unable to defend their choice without criticising working mums which shows up how they really feel.

I dont really understand the denial of judgement and superiority. Its blatant

Diverseopinions · 31/10/2022 08:56

I think that all considerations are not equal. The financial security argument is absolutely critical because if and when the house of cards will come tumbling down, it will affect health, happiness, relationships, even, with children.

I can understand that many husbands would be content for their wives to be focusing on young children and averting the need to stress about whether the childcare options are satisfactory. I think that might change, as the children become more independent. It would be different if the husband never considered the issue of whether his wife is being a passenger. But I think that the topic of working wives and division of labour is one that does get discussed among people. Some men will be happy to support their Missus to go to the gym; dabble in art; meet friends for coffee, but others will question this. I don't know anyone personally for whom these issues are relevant, but a friend has friends in this situation - they are now in their early fifties, and some of those have got divorced, because the husband wanted it, some had met another woman, and it has been hard for the first wives.

If there is a trend towards husbands seeking 50:50 custody after divorce, this does mean no maintenance ( I think) and it could mean a woman's teenage kids are living an exciting luxurious time with the dad, for half the week, and the divorced wife is feeling tense and stressed about money. ( The former family home will be sold.)

I do know one SAHM and housewife who makes sure her time looks to be taken up washing and cleaning, but the fact is that you don't need to clean for eight hours a day and it makes greater economic sense to get a cleaner in.and have the wife contributing serious money.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:56

Butchyrestingface · 31/10/2022 08:55

That both you and your husband have ADHD.

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And? Not relevant in the slightest to this.

OP posts:

holidayelbow · 31/10/2022 08:56

@AMorningstar it's not about not being career oriented it's about this idea that you don't need to work because you have a man. That because you want to have freedoms and do whatever you want , you can, because you have a man. It perpetuates a sexist , misogynistic society even if you didn't intend it to

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:57

Topgub · 31/10/2022 08:55

Yes, it shows up true feelings on the issue.

Sahms/housewives will often claim that they don't think they are better/superior. That they don't judge working mums.

It just 'suits their family better'

But then the accusations of jealousy and bitterness creep in when their choices are criticised. Why would anyone be jealous of a choice that isn't better?

They are unable to defend their choice without criticising working mums which shows up how they really feel.

I dont really understand the denial of judgement and superiority. Its blatant

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Not really. It's saying we think YOU think its better and are in denial about it.

OP posts:

Livetoplay · 31/10/2022 08:57

As for looking after kids, making meals at home, opening the door to ‘tradespeople’ miraculously DW and I manage to do all this, and a lot more, while both working FT.
Flexible, hybrid working has made our lives a lot easier but we managed even before we were WFH as much.
we’re equals in our marriage, and although DW earns enough money for me to be a SAHM there are about 20 reasons why I choose not to…
I can’t imagine the stress of putting the whole financial burden on her… right now if she lost her job or hated it and wanted to change or wanted to take an easier but less well paid role then she could. She’s not trapped being the sole provider for the family.

AloysiusBear · 31/10/2022 08:58

You must realise OP, millions of people, men & women, would love to not work. Spend time enjoying hobbies etc.

But actually someone has to. Because we need food. Shelter. Medicine. Fuel.

What people resent, is your notion of how lovely it is for you to make this happy "choice" to do what you want, when in reality, it's facilitated by the work of others (your father, your husband).

It's.... parasitic. You give off a vibe of self satisfaction, a sense you feel you are entitled to a life of leisure, deserve it. It implies you don't feel others deserve it. Everyone contributing useful labour is the essence of society, and how we all support each other. Its frustrating to most when people opt out of that social contract and live off others. With modern appliances, the "work" of managing a family home doesn't take anything like enough time to justify contributing no other useful labour to society.

You (presumably) have young children at the moment, so your choice is rather more valid in that you are caring for young children, which is in itself useful labour. That won't continue to be true as those children get older.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 08:58

holidayelbow · 31/10/2022 08:56

@AMorningstar it's not about not being career oriented it's about this idea that you don't need to work because you have a man. That because you want to have freedoms and do whatever you want , you can, because you have a man. It perpetuates a sexist , misogynistic society even if you didn't intend it to

So I should have to live a life I don't want? If I were married to a woman would that be okay? Me and my husband are individuals, we shouldn't have to live a certain way just because we happen to be male or female. Ridiculous.

OP posts:

Autumndays123 · 31/10/2022 09:00

AMorningstar · 31/10/2022 07:47

Bit of an assumption. When he's not at work he does 50% of the chores and childcare. He did most of the night feeds when the kids were babies too.

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I can't believe this thread. So he works to provide for you and meets all your financial needs. You've dreamed of being unemployed since you were a small child and now spend your days being well rested AND when your husband has finished providing for you he still has to do the chores?! And did most of the night feeds? What exactly do you do all day OP?

Honestly, I cannot for the life of me imagine the type of man who would find this attractive for a partner. It's giving me the ick thinking about it.

I would genuinely have concerns about the type of man who finds unemployment really attractive. We aren't talking about SAHP here, we are talking about the fact you're in your 20s and have told your husband you NEVER want to work and he agrees because you share the same 'values'. There's other some weird power imbalance going on that he gets off on or unfortunately you might find his thoughts on the matter change as you get older and he realises how much of a CF you are.