To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

[AMorningstar]

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job)

I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM.

Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

I think it is highly relevant given your strange pronouncements about work and how you wouldn’t be able to cope with it.

If you had started a thread stating, me and my husband both have ADHD, I struggle to deal with any form of pressure and/or the multi/tasking that coordinating both work and home life brings; we can afford for one of us to be a SAHP/house person indefinitely - what do people think?

This would be an entirely different thread.

Thanks for being honest - people are bitter that not eveyrone has to be as miserable as they are. Its weird. If I see someone with something that makes them happy, I'm happy for them. I don't think "well I don't have that so fuck you!" but so many others seem to.

@AMorningstar I may have missed this but HOW are you being supported? Is it with your own inherited wealth or otherwise or does your husband go out to work to support you.

I think this works as some men enjoy working and having all the domestic chores done (I mean you are a glorified housekeeper/ cleaner and I suppose if you provide sex on demand on top that would be the icing on the cake). I do get why a parent choose to take time out to be there for their children but again this doesn't have to be the woman and a lot of jobs allow the flexibility for both parents to do this.

Not all women are career oriented and that's fine . Out of interest what are your non career goals in life and how do you plan to achieve them? A lot of goals require an input of money to achieve no?

@AMorningstar I would love to be a movie star and have millions in the bank and jet all over the world. That is the life I want.

But as a PP has said - to feed myself etc and my kids and clothe us, we need to make money. and if my husband gets hit by a bus, we will be ok as I am not financially dependent on him.

Your first post on this thread was moaning about other people's posts

Not naming them directly, of course.

🤣🤣

This thread should be retitled hypocrites anonymous

I didn't ask for anyones opinion on my personal situation. I stated people shouldn't be unpleasant about housewives.

Me choosing to be a housewife has absolutely nothing to do with either of us having ADHD. I wanted to be one long before I knew I had it. Secondly I am physically capable of working lol. I have had jobs in the past. You're acting like I wouldn't be able to do it which is completely false. Once again people misrepresenting me..

I’m thinking of how many couples made it out of my immediate friendship long term mates. It’s 5 divorces and 4 still together with 2 remarrying and the other 3 remaining single.

The crunch time for divorce are when children are very small and when they flee or about to flee the nest. All my friends divorces were when children left home or were about to. It was incredibly sobering. Last one was last year and that was an absolute shocker and really unexpected. Started to happen when people were around mid forties.

He works. My goals are happiness. I don't believe in constant goal chasing or targets, instead i prefer to live in the moment and follow what it is I wish to do.

@AMorningstar still a lot of stress on the sole earner. A hell of a lot of pressure tbh.

Ah. I think it is relevant. ADHD can make strictly routined life hard.

I think you do sound a bit insecure in your choice, OP. The thing is, that’s normal. We all do. We all feel insecure at times. And the reason is, society (patriarchy) tells us women who don’t work are underachievers, women who do work are failing their children, that women are wrong whatever they choose. Threads like this, where women themselves pit women against each other, are playing right into their hands. We need to stop.

Okay. But if you had the opportunity to live your dream life, would you not take it, because other people can't?

Oh dear.

You really need to learn to practice what you preach

I think probably what provoked this thread is that yesterday, there was another thread where people were falling over themselves to declare they would be DEVASTATED if their daughter was a SAHM, and such like. I was delayed in an airport and it made for quite interesting reading actually. It seemed to me, people were less interested in giving the OP on that thread constructive advice, but they just wanted to do the usual scaremongering and kicking the boot in about SAHMs. It's a MN phenomenon!

I think, if you have to work, or you want to work, it helps certain women to think the alternative would be a "disaster," It's a way of feeling better about your life and it's understandable, I guess. All women are conflicted to some degree and all of us need to believe we have made the best choices for our children. It's clearly a very triggering issue for many women and this is why SAHM threads always rocket to 1000 posts very quickly.

But when all is said and done - some women are SAHMs, Always have been, always will be. Get over it.

The SAHM model is just one type of family set-up. It is as valid as any other and when it works, it works and is great for everyone concerned. It really is as simple as that.

Peiple have all kinds of weird exaggerated ideas about SAHMs on here. But if someone says they are happy, just take that at face value. Live and let live. If you can't do that, ask why you are so triggered and do something about it.

I will ask the question I ask every SAHP, what if your OH asked to do the same? What would you do?

@AMorningstar does your finances also pay voluntary contributions to national insurance so your covered for the future, and into a pension in your name?

I have friends who are SAHD and the wife feels considerable amount of stress being responsible for the full family and have felt trapped in jobs because they can't afford to follow something else. The concept that its less stressful for both I think is very Rose tinted specs especially when they are having a tough time at work.

Its not because of that. ADHD would make some jobs harder but I've had jobs in the past, it doesn't make it impossible. Husband also has it and is very successful in his career. I think PP is reading too much into me having ADHD. I take meds for it so it's not particularly a problem anyway.

I'm not particularly insecure I just don't see why it's okay to insult housewives but people get upset if we do it back.

Huh?

I cant make this make sense.

Why would I be in denial about it?

That was what prompted me to make this thread after seeing similar comments elsewhere, and I agree with your post.

We discussed all this before having kids and marrying. I'd be concerned why he'd changed his values overnight.

Because there's not really another reason to be so unpleasant about it

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you wouldn't want your daughter became a SAHM. It's often a vulnerable position to be in, financially. I don't want that for my children if there are reasonable alternatives. So shoot me.

I only have boys however, so it almost certainly won't come up. Which is telling all by itself.

@Topgub essentially I think OP thinks that you are jealous and would rather be a SAHM.

Ultimately as far as I can understand because they have no desire to ever work they don't understand why anyone else would. Therefore you have to not choose to.

My daughter will never be financially vulnerable. She will always have me and my husband whether she's 16 or 45. And if we're dead she'll have her inheritance.

Not read all the threads but my take on it is similar to your OP. Everyone should do what suits them with out shitting on each other’s choices. Me and DH are also a team. Yes women fought for years to get out the home and into the working world, my choice is to continue that fight from the home. Because yes stuff still needs doing. All but one of my kids has flown the nest now. And yes I still don’t work FT because if I did, I’d be knackered, grumpy, and though sharing the housework I’d still be bearing the mental load of what needs doing.

In the last week my fit as a fiddle neighbour died of a heart attack, she was 57, my good friend has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer she is 51 and my friend’s dad died of cancer (though he’d lived a good life and reached 83).

I do not need to work to feel fulfilled or to bring in more money. I get fulfilment in other ways, having time and energy to help others when needed. Some folk are born with abundant energy and manage to do everything but I am not one of those people, I can only do so much. Life is too short and too wonderful to spend it other than to strive to be happy. And after last week’s news I am grateful for every moment I have.

100%. Some thrive on busyness and being full on but that's not and has never been me.