To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

[AMorningstar]

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job)

I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM.

Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

People are acting like it’s only women who are pro-SAHP. For every willing SAHM there is probably a man/partner who equally sees the benefit in having a SAHP. I know a fair amount of SAHDs. I do see that it is a women’s issue and usually the woman who ‘sacrifices’ her job etc and the person working gets to keep making strides there.
I’m just saying it’s not that all these women are forcing their partner into wholly supporting the family and creating resentful husbands.

You don't usually see SAHD's thinking they are better than working dad's though.

Can I ask something? Those with sons, would you be happy with them having a wife or girlfriend in their 20s who just decided work wasn't for them so your sons had to provide for them? I'm not talking about SAHM to young children but housewives.
I wouldn't and I've spoken to my 12yo about this numerous times.

This thread has gone utterly bonkers.

Women need to stop judging women for their choices. If expecting all women to stay at home is sexist... then surely expecting all women to work without exception is the same?

Let people do whatever the heck they want to do, it's nobody else's business.
Its not embarrassing to stay home if you have the option to do so, and it's wonderful if you want to advance in a career.

And stop commenting on other people's marriages... there's not a single member of mine of DHs family who have had a divorce. That's not to say that nobody will. But it is possible to be married and happy forever... MN is such a depressing place sometimes, rammed with infidelity threads, that it's easy to forget that.

I've done the career thing and I'm 1000000% happier being at home. Some people have different priorities in life. Some people value themselves by their academic or sporting achievements. Some people value themselves by their salary. Some people value themselves on their parenting. I value myself on being a good person and managing a house and, very soon, a baby. It's much more rewarding than the thankless job I just left. I struggled at first, not because I was in any way ashamed of my decision, but because I knew there were women out there who would look down on me for giving up the rat race. Which has only been proven by this thread. It may not be jealousy but it is really strange to be so against something that has literally no affect on your life.

At the end of the day I've never been happier, and there's no leash tying me to my kitchen, if I wanted to or needed to go back to work tomorrow I would. But I, an educated adult who is fully capable of making her own decisions and not being dictated to by a man or anyone else, don't want to.

The number one thing i hear when i have the 'if I won the lottery' chat is people saying they'd leave their job. Every sunday evening/Monday morning when my friends are all complaining about how they miss the weekend and don't want to go to work and theyre counting the days until the next weekend, I feel like I've won the lottery.

The waters are being muddied because several posters, and I think the OP to some extent, are equating being a SAHP with being a housewife.

There's a big difference between:

A. Getting to a point in life and either parent opts to be a SAHP because both people have made an informed decision, considered their financial future and decided it's right for them

B. Having your goals and aspirations for life being to marry a spouse who will work to fund your lifestyle of leisure, because you have never felt a desire to work since childhood. Life is too short to be a wage slave and you'd much rather enjoy your days. You might go on to have children, but decades later when they're grown up you have no desire to work then either because it's your goal to have a spouse funding you from early adulthood to retirement and death.

For the OP to have a housewife aspiration, have decided they don't want to work full time since they were a young child, be a housewife from early 20s, consider themselves financially independent in their 20s because they don't have to ask their husband to spend household money sounds quite sheltered. It sounds especially sheltered when proof that not all money comes from the husband is that her father gave money towards their house, and divorce and infidelity isn't a problem for them as they don't believe in it and she's chosen her spouse wisely.

No one here has said SAHM are superior though.

I have been both a career driven worker and stayed at home when children were of secondary school age. Circumstances were unusual and I received a huge payout from my employer when I left.

I have always known that if DH and I break up when money is all sorted I can just go and buy a house outright and still have a decent amount of savings. I also have a really quite decent pension.

Did I enjoy working more than being at home? I enjoy working more but that also includes the voluntary work I have done since I stopped paid employment.

I just think any man or woman who isn’t financially viable as a single unit is taking a risk if it all goes wrong. When we hit our forties quite a few couples broke up. With some it was a surprise and with others it wasn’t.

I would be fine with my sons marrying whoever made them happy. Couldn't care less whether that's a housewife/husband or a CEO. I find it bizarre some people try to force certain lifestyles on their kids or demand certain types of partners.

Obviously you'd be happy for your potential future sons to marry a woman that won't work as this is what you've done but I bet others wouldn't.

It's weird when people wish certain lifestyles on their kids. What fulfils you might not them.

Also they're not potentially future sons I do legitimately have sons lol.

I think it's pretty normal to want the best for your children.

But best is subjective and assuming your way is the best is arrogant and narrow minded.

How on earth can it be best for my son to work really hard at work all day while his gf or wife does not work but happily uses his money?
Nobody thinks when they're young that their ambition in life is to work hard to provide for someone else to sit around and be workshy. Nobody.

None of that is “jealousy” though is it

Plenty of men want housewives. Even without kids housewives manage the domestic sphere. I'd think homecooked meals, chores done, a fulfilling relationship where both parties arent exhausted for example, would benefit him but there you go.

Nobody thinks when they're young that their ambition in life is to work hard to provide for someone else to sit around and be workshy. Nobody.
That's what I feel.
Having children and structuring your family in a way that's right for you is fine and totally understandable. No judgement there at all.

A boy/girl/man/woman growing up with no desire to work and their main goal being to find a spouse who'll financially support them from early adulthood to death is something I'd encourage my DC to view as a giant red flag.

But this is what everyone is saying. We have that here and we both work. You can work and also cook home cooked meals etc. You can learnt to do both, it doesn't have to be one or the other.

And that leads to never having any time for yourself or together, exhaustion, bubbling resentment...there's a reason divorce rates are high. My husband and I have less stress than couples where both parties work, because we don't have to cram everything into the evenings.

rainbowandglitter - your posts are very U.K.-centric and quite narrow minded, if you don't mind me saying. There are billions of men around the world who do indeed believe that the responsibility of 'main financial provider' is theirs once they become married / have children. In our culture, that is just seen as totally normal because people just accept that having babies takes a greater toll on women. It's not that women don't work (they do!) but it is not expected as a given. Snd certainly nobody judges a women for wanting to be with her own children! On MN, you'd think this was a crime. It's crazy.

This is also a valid point. Plenty of cultures value the work of housewives.

I've stated that I'm not talking about SAHM. I'm talking about housewives.

Plus this is a UK site so would expect opinions to be based around the UK.

The OP has posted nearly 180 messages on this thread. And for someone who claims to need to be well rested, there’s only six hours between her last post last night and her first post this morning.

I work. I’m successful. I also do all the same domestic work. And I have time for horse riding, exercise, surfing and raising my child. I’ve never given the choices of SAHM’s a second thought (though OP seems to follow the more ‘trad wife’ mentality rather than typical SAHM) and I know my friends haven’t. And so haven’t the hundreds of working women on this thread it seems. The reason for this thread seems to be rather disingenuous, either to claim ‘retaliation’ and have a pop at working mothers, or just to kick off a nasty bunfight.

Either way, I’m not sure even you‘d think it was a good use of your precious time, OP…

The U.K. is a very diverse place. It's far more than the accepted MN mentality, thank god.