Page 12 | To not understand the nastiness that being a housewife provokes

AMorningstar · 2022-10-30T17:43:42+00:00

Not just on MN. I don't even use MN that often but I see this on other social media websites too. If a woman shares something positive about being a housewife it's full of comments about how "being controlled by a man, couldn't be me!" "No thanks, I love my independence" or "just wait until he leaves you, then what". If a woman shares something negative about it its "see, this is why being a housewife is TERRIBLE" (yet no one would say "this is why having a career is terrible!" If a person was complaining about their job) I saw someone earlier say they'd be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a SAHM. Why does it provoke such vitriol? Other women choosing this doesn't force anyone else to, I don't get the complete lack of respect for people's decisions and lack of understanding that different people enjoy different things.

FlamencoDance · 30/10/2022 20:11

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vodkaredbullgirl · 30/10/2022 20:12

@AMorningstar All the best for the future and nothing bad happens.

Autumndays123 · 30/10/2022 20:12

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:09

Depends. I'm not polyamorous but I have friends who are and there are still boundaries about extra marital relations and breach of these can be considered infidelity. I'm not sure how it works as it's not something I've ever been interested in.

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You're just making it up as you go along now OP. It's quite frankly ridiculous that you and DH have sat down together and discussed that you both disagree with cheating. Of course you would both say that. Did you think he would say that he's actually quite fond of cheating and plans to start asap

You seem very naive OP and living a little bit with your head in the clouds? Are you aware of the statistics on divorce? As you seem to think just having security for yourself and your children in the event of a divorce suggests the relationship isn't worthwhile?

Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:16

Autumndays123 · 30/10/2022 20:12

You're just making it up as you go along now OP. It's quite frankly ridiculous that you and DH have sat down together and discussed that you both disagree with cheating. Of course you would both say that. Did you think he would say that he's actually quite fond of cheating and plans to start asap

You seem very naive OP and living a little bit with your head in the clouds? Are you aware of the statistics on divorce? As you seem to think just having security for yourself and your children in the event of a divorce suggests the relationship isn't worthwhile?

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I've not made anything up at all, perhaps you have a very vanilla lifestyle and aren't acquainted with people who conduct those sorts of relationships?

He's the one who brought it up actually, he has strong feelings on people who don't respect the sanctity of marriage and who don't take relationships seriously. He despises a lot of modern dating norms. It's perfectly fine and healthy for couples to discuss shared values and frankly weird not to.

Not remotely naive and yes, the statistics for divorce also include second and third marriages which when you separate it out drag the stats down quite significantly.

I don't half ass my marriage and neither does he. And we don't have to justify that to anyone.

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SantaExpress · 30/10/2022 20:17

@FlamencoDance

My husband didn’t mind working away, and we soon adapted to it at home too. He rang home every night and there was a mad dash for the phone between DC😃

Their school drawings were always ‘for Daddy’ and they just accepted the situation.
My DF had also worked away when I was young so it was kind of normal for me.
I loved the time I had with DC when they were young and we still mention those times even now.

IhateHermioneGranger · 30/10/2022 20:17

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:16

I've not made anything up at all, perhaps you have a very vanilla lifestyle and aren't acquainted with people who conduct those sorts of relationships?

He's the one who brought it up actually, he has strong feelings on people who don't respect the sanctity of marriage and who don't take relationships seriously. He despises a lot of modern dating norms. It's perfectly fine and healthy for couples to discuss shared values and frankly weird not to.

Not remotely naive and yes, the statistics for divorce also include second and third marriages which when you separate it out drag the stats down quite significantly.

I don't half ass my marriage and neither does he. And we don't have to justify that to anyone.

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I think he doth protest too much.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:19

IhateHermioneGranger · 30/10/2022 20:17

I think he doth protest too much.

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It always comes down to this in these threads. Other women feel the need to tell women with happy strong marriages that their husbands are cheating, or he will leave in the future and she will be left with nothing. Smacks of jealousy and bitterness

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FlamencoDance · 30/10/2022 20:20

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Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 30/10/2022 20:20

@AMorningstar its jealousy, pure and simple. If it wasn’t, the comments (not all of them, but many) wouldn’t be as vicious.
No other emotion would produce such a venomous reaction.
But these threads always go this way…………

I don’t think all women would choose not to work, far from it! But everyone would like to have that choice presented to them, rather than to be given no choice in the matter of working, hence the vitriol……….

I don’t take it to heart.
Your own and your families’ happiness (even if only 2 of you!), is all that matters.

Livelovebehappy · 30/10/2022 20:20

Autumndays123 · 30/10/2022 19:46

You think that people can't balance work, housework and a social life without paid help? 😂 God only on mumsnet.

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Nope. Of course people can. But it cant be done in a way to keep everything running as it should, and keeping everyone happy. And to suggest it can is doing a dis service to those who do struggle. You may be super woman and do a fantastic juggling job, and well done you. But you"re in the minority.

shedwithivy · 30/10/2022 20:20

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Agree with this... it makes me think of dobby the house elf. The idea of spending my whole week running a home sounds like lockdown to me.

SAHP, volunteer, carer, amateur writer, musician, dog sitter etc I could get on board with but "housewife" just makes me imagine washing skirting boards in a 1950s dress.

Not being nasty but it is a label which would feel like a bad fit for me.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:21

Yayyayitsaholiholiday · 30/10/2022 20:20

@AMorningstar its jealousy, pure and simple. If it wasn’t, the comments (not all of them, but many) wouldn’t be as vicious.
No other emotion would produce such a venomous reaction.
But these threads always go this way…………

I don’t think all women would choose not to work, far from it! But everyone would like to have that choice presented to them, rather than to be given no choice in the matter of working, hence the vitriol……….

I don’t take it to heart.
Your own and your families’ happiness (even if only 2 of you!), is all that matters.

I think some of it is, especially the more personal snide comments. I do believe some people love to work and good for them but the comments that seem bitter most likely are.

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Refrosty · 30/10/2022 20:21

I think being a SAHM is a lovely thought, but it often goes so wrong when played out in reality! If you want to be a SAHM, you need to have your wits about you.

An example is my brother. His gf is so lovely, but my DB is frustrated with her because they get a lot of childcare support from family, yet she is reluctant to pursue much. He feels she should naturally want more out of life, and I agree with him but she's always been like this. DM and I have had some frank words with DB because it's not fair that he suddenly has these expectations of her. They've been together for nearly 10 years, why is he unhappy about this now? Their drama leads to that argument about vulnerability. If he left her, she'd really struggle (I know DM would always support her with childcare regardless). Sometimes I wonder if she feels trapped because I'd not want to be with someone like my brother tbh.

DH lost his dad quite young, so it was something we discussed quite early on in our relationship.

Daisychainsx · 30/10/2022 20:21

I've had a career for 10 years, saved close to 80k, bought the house of our dreams 50/50 with my DH and plenty nest egg left over.
I hated working. I did it because its what is expected. But being a housewife and SAHM has always been what I've really wanted to do. I'm grateful that I've found a guy who believes his money is our money and I've never once had to ask for anything or feel like I'm under his control or living off of his money. There's still a good chunk of my savings in the bank, and his. We're married... there is no his and mine, just ours.
I can go back to my career at any moment, and I will when our kids are all in school. Maybe even before... but then again, maybe never! Whatever feels right! But for now, and for however long it lasts, I'm going to enjoy being a housewife/SAHM when our baby arrives in a few months.
He has his own business so we have insurances in place for any event that would mean he can't work. You never know what will happen in the future, can't live your life based on what-ifs. If something disastrous happens we will deal with it together. We aim to never have less than a years worth of bills in the savings account. As soon as it looks like that amount is dropping I will go back to work, regardless of my kids age.
If its not for you then that's great, crack on with your working life. There's no need to project your insecurities about divorce or financial control onto other people, just as I wouldn't judge anyone who still works in my field even tho I didn't like it myself.
Live and let live.

Tigofigo · 30/10/2022 20:22

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 19:03

I have plenty, I respect myself enough to spend my life doing what I love rather than making money for someone else and wasting away in a cubicle but go off hun.

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Wow, and you're saying people make bitchy comments about SAHMs?? You're not exactly covering yourself in glory with some of your own comments!

That aside, many SAHP and working parents do it through necessity. But if you're doing it through choice - regardless of that choice - it's a privilege, and everyone would do well to remember that.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:23

Tigofigo · 30/10/2022 20:22

Wow, and you're saying people make bitchy comments about SAHMs?? You're not exactly covering yourself in glory with some of your own comments!

That aside, many SAHP and working parents do it through necessity. But if you're doing it through choice - regardless of that choice - it's a privilege, and everyone would do well to remember that.

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Pointing out we can all make snide comments is me being nasty?

Yes it's a privilege.

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IhateHermioneGranger · 30/10/2022 20:26

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:19

It always comes down to this in these threads. Other women feel the need to tell women with happy strong marriages that their husbands are cheating, or he will leave in the future and she will be left with nothing. Smacks of jealousy and bitterness

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No. I think people including men are human and the temptation is there. I doubt either of us would cheat or divorce but you never know.

No jealousy here.

RandomMusings7 · 30/10/2022 20:27

Neither of us believe in infidelity either

funniest shit i've read all week. Thanks for that! 😂 😂

ReneBumsWombats · 30/10/2022 20:27

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:19

It always comes down to this in these threads. Other women feel the need to tell women with happy strong marriages that their husbands are cheating, or he will leave in the future and she will be left with nothing. Smacks of jealousy and bitterness

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Well to be fair, OP, you're the one who started the thread to complain that everyone hates you, while deciding they're all jealous and treating us to various details about your sexual preferences. You may be very fulfilled in your home, family and bedroom but there's clearly something you need that only this thread can give you.

grayhairdontcare · 30/10/2022 20:28

@Yayyayitsaholiholiday you think those of us that work didn't have the choice not to work.
I had the choice to stay at home and I could stay at home now if I wanted too.
I choose self respect, equality and financial freedom instead

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/10/2022 20:28

I was a SAHM for a month, when my kids were little. It was sheer hell, but that was me.

Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:28

ReneBumsWombats · 30/10/2022 20:27

Well to be fair, OP, you're the one who started the thread to complain that everyone hates you, while deciding they're all jealous and treating us to various details about your sexual preferences. You may be very fulfilled in your home, family and bedroom but there's clearly something you need that only this thread can give you.

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Erm no. I haven't said anyone's jealous until right now when someone suggested my husband is having an affair, I didn't bring up out sex life either, someone else did because of a comment I made in a completely different thread, a thread that was sexual in nature. So try again.

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Original poster

AMorningstar · 30/10/2022 20:29

grayhairdontcare · 30/10/2022 20:28

@Yayyayitsaholiholiday you think those of us that work didn't have the choice not to work.
I had the choice to stay at home and I could stay at home now if I wanted too.
I choose self respect, equality and financial freedom instead

Working when you have the choice not to has nothing to do with self respect. I respect myself enough to spend my life pursuing my own passions.

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LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/10/2022 20:29

Fairylightsongs · 30/10/2022 18:21

So you want your husband to aspire to be at home?and be paid for by you? You feel this is a good aspiration for him to have?

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I’m not quite sure what you think retired people feel if staying at home is a grotesque desire 😂

I honestly couldn’t care less if that’s what he aspires to do, I wouldn’t blame him. However reality is we both need to work to afford our lives. So that’s what we do and make the best of it. I aspire to be a pop star but sadly I can’t sing so PR and marketing it is.

Herejustforthisone · 30/10/2022 20:30

I would never say anything but I personally find it upsetting when a woman puts herself in such a vulnerable position, utterly dependent on a man. If someone is posting trite shite about how wonderful it all was, I’d also probably assume it was far from a bed of roses and that she was overcompensating.