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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

304 replies

Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:03

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 30/10/2022 17:05

Of course it’s ‘allowed’. There is supposedly something that says they have to be in education or training till 18 but AFAIK, no one ever checks up on it and there are no stories of what happens if they leave at 16.

Sarah180818 · 30/10/2022 17:07

Students now have to be in education or training until 18. We have other smaller colleges near us as well as the main local college which specialise in animals and equestrian etc... Are there any such colleges nearby?

Original poster
Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:08

SecretVictoria · 30/10/2022 17:05

Of course it’s ‘allowed’. There is supposedly something that says they have to be in education or training till 18 but AFAIK, no one ever checks up on it and there are no stories of what happens if they leave at 16.

Yes, I was hoping that might be the case.
I'm also worried about her future - far down the line, I hope - when my husband and I die.
But there must be many, many adults out there who live these quiet, unobtrusive lives - I suppose we just don't see them!

OP posts:
Sarah180818 · 30/10/2022 17:08

I think you're right in that they rarely check but employers are fined for employing under 18s and I doubt they would feel comfortable even taking on somewhere to volunteer when they should still be in education or training.

Overthebow · 30/10/2022 17:09

I guess the question is can you provide for her for her whole life (including when you are gone)? If so then there shouldn’t be a problem.

SpookyMcGhoul · 30/10/2022 17:09

I wouldn't say YABU no, but I'd worry what her long term plans for her life were. In the politest way, she'll probably outlive you and your husband - so it'd be good if she wasn't totally dependent on living with you with no skills to survive on her own. Are there any local businesses she could go and do a vocational qualification in that would get her skills / confidence? What money would she be able to live off?

I know multi generational living is very common in some cultures and does seem to work well, so from that angle it could be helpful.

ImJustNotMeAnymore · 30/10/2022 17:09

At sixteen your child is considered responsible for their own education so you could feasibly, if anyone ever bothered to ask, say they are in further education via self directed home learning? Or in a less roundabout way - home educated. As they are already sixteen you may not be entitled to child benefit but this way does take the stress off.
Just a thought.

Sapphire387 · 30/10/2022 17:10

There are adults who live quiet lives but you need to consider how she'll be fixed financially if she doesn't work and then you and your husband (eventually) pass away. Who will support her?

Will she qualify for disability payments?

Original poster
Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:12

Sarah180818 · 30/10/2022 17:07

Students now have to be in education or training until 18. We have other smaller colleges near us as well as the main local college which specialise in animals and equestrian etc... Are there any such colleges nearby?

There is one, but travelling to it will be problematic - she won't be able to get there without 2 bus journeys and over an hour's journey each way. I think their courses also need level 4s in science (probably not going to happen), but I'll check.
But the travel is the problem.
Marrying her off to a farmer would be ideal, though - problem solved! And I'm only half joking...

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/10/2022 17:12

She will have to stay in education till she is 18 doesn't she ? Im not familiar with the English education system but could she do non vocational courses instead of A levels, it's fine for her to stay at home but this could change and she could maybe go into supported living

DurhamDurham · 30/10/2022 17:13

I don't know, I think you may be better helping her find something outside the home that she would enjoy doing, such as a small college, a part time job etc. Even if she's anxious at first, it's worth a try.

I just think her world will be very small of she doesn't at least try.

Original poster
Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:14

Overthebow · 30/10/2022 17:09

I guess the question is can you provide for her for her whole life (including when you are gone)? If so then there shouldn’t be a problem.

This brings in the problem of our retirement in that we'll have to downsize massively and leave her half of only a tiny property...the proceeds of which would be shared between DD and DS, assuming it's not sold off to fund a long decline in our own health. I can't guarantee that we can provide for her at all 😔

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 30/10/2022 17:15

If she has various diagnosis can the senco at school offer any advice of something she could set her sights on.

KindergartenKop · 30/10/2022 17:15

I would encourage her to find a job, she must be capable of doing cleaning or working in a cafe?

LondonWolf · 30/10/2022 17:16

You could be describing both my children with autism - both late teens. My future is planned around them living with me, well into adulthood, maybe they'll never move out. I am not sure it's that unusual. It's only on MN that everyone wants to fling their kids out the moment they hit 18 Wink

Original poster
Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:16

DurhamDurham · 30/10/2022 17:13

I don't know, I think you may be better helping her find something outside the home that she would enjoy doing, such as a small college, a part time job etc. Even if she's anxious at first, it's worth a try.

I just think her world will be very small of she doesn't at least try.

That is exactly how I feel. Her world is already so small. But the opportunities out there seem so dependent on personality and confidence and initiative.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 30/10/2022 17:17

Once she’s left school your dd can register with the local careers service. That’ll mean she can access some smaller provision. Colleges are bustling and noisy but they may be aware of some places that offer smaller class sizes and support.

as pp stated although there’s a requirement to be in education employment training there no consequence. If she’s registered with careers service then that’ll be enough.

There may be some pre apprenticeship preparation courses available too when/ if your dd is interested.

crumpetswithjam · 30/10/2022 17:17

Sounds like she needs an EHCP, which should run until she's 25.

miceonabranch · 30/10/2022 17:18

We're in the same situation with ds2, who has autism. He is managing a course at college, but it's only two and a half says. Once this has finished I don't know what would be suitable for him. I also doubt he'll be able to leave home.

Would working from home perhaps be suitable for your dd? Does she like animals? Could she perhaps work part time working somewhere quiet?

SandyY2K · 30/10/2022 17:18

the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment,

Have you checked the national apprenticeship website?

There are lots of apprenticeships and not all male dominated.

I see one of the main roles of a parent as raising a fully functioning adult... if you let her live with your forever and basically not do anything... you're failing her.

Original poster
Thefutureisorangey · 30/10/2022 17:18

KindergartenKop · 30/10/2022 17:15

I would encourage her to find a job, she must be capable of doing cleaning or working in a cafe?

She would actually love that, I think. Just being told what to do and to then do it. She would still have to live at home, I suppose, as the pay would be tiny, but there must be people who do this?
I want her so badly to want more for herself.

OP posts:
crumpetswithjam · 30/10/2022 17:18

But more detail about EHCP provision for 16+ here. Sounds like she is more than eligible.

educationlawyers.co.uk/send-info/ehcps-16-25/

Mrsjayy · 30/10/2022 17:19

What does she like doing ? She might be able to do distance learning

ZeroFuchsGiven · 30/10/2022 17:20

So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest

She is 16 fgs, of course she is showing no signs of wanting to leave home, diagnosis or no diagnosis.

StopFeckingFaffing · 30/10/2022 17:20

There is nothing wrong with you making plans for the future which include the assumption that your DD will continue to live with you in the longer term but I think you should still encourage her to stay in education or some sort of apprenticeship

If you go on the gov.co.uk website and search for apprenticeships you will be surprised at the range of things available. They aren't all in traditional trades and although competition for some will be fierce I'm sure that won't be the case in all industries