AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

I’d encourage her to get a job then or she will likely be in trouble when you are no longer around. No problem with her living at home but she needs to have skills to be able to support herself when needed.

Of course people work in Shops and cafes not everybody has a competitive career. I had my youngest here till they were 24 did college works in retail she did move in with her Bf but they live a quiet life.

Some councils will fund residential college places. Supported living environment. Might be worth considering.

I agree re making her world safely bigger bit by bit.

Are there any farms/ city farms/ stables she could volunteer at?

She's still very young and the prospect of leaving home/growing up is unappealing.
But I think you do have a responsibility to try and help her have more of a life than tootling around at home with you.
What are her interests and hobbies? There's such a wide variety of things you can do post 16 there must be something she could try.

Yes, I'm always on the apprenticeship websites. It's the travel and the initiative and the confidence that are the problems - the armed forces and policing would not be for her, and she presents as male (sorry - drip-feed there) and any hair-and-beauty pursuits would be blinked at sadly.
I agree that we would be failing her! We have thrown her out of her comfort zone so many times and nothing has stuck. No way would she become a stay-at-home-all-day gamer, though; we need to find her something. But she could never afford to move out, I don't think. There is the problem.

We are in the same position with our DS who has SEN and won't go passed a few GCSEs. We have so much to be proud of as he's amazing .. he won't leave home but we will continue to be his biggest hype team and make sure he has access to as many vocational courses and experiences so that he can get a job and be financially independent at least

No hobbies to speak of, and not for want of trying. She's done clubs for years as we sought for her "thing", but the social unhappiness was becoming so evident that we stopped forcing her.

if she likes volunteering for 'old folk' could she consider a career in social care? You can do an apprenticeship and social care are desperate for caring people. yes the pay is bollox but it's worthwhile and rewarding

she could look at care homes/ nursing homes or home care or supporting people with learning disabilities

I would also encourage her to find a suitable job. It'll broaden her world and whilst she can still live at home, it gives her options and scope to explore further in the future.

You need to also consider the burden that having a non-working dependent adult puts on your son. It won't be your intention but essentially her care will fall to him when you're no longer able to look after / house her. Speaking as someone who has a family member that we shall care for, it's a burden I would avoid if it's possibly avoidable.

She needs to be encouraged towards something that pays a wage. She's 16 so of course she doesn't want to leave yet and that's fine. But wrapping her up in cotton wool to protect her isnt kind. What will she do when you die (that could be tomorrow or 40yrs) or go into long term care? She won't be able to cope, nor will her brother. Thats setting up both your children to fail.

Could she do some courses that would help her with pet sitting or cleaning. She could work on her own then and at least earn a bit of money. She could cycle to jobs

Gosh she's 16 and you have written her entire life off. You say you wish she wanted more for herself but you're leading her to a life with you till you're dead, then what?

You need to push her at least a bit. Yes college might be busy in the corridors, but class sizes for level 2 animal care or catering are likely to be small. Find out! Encourage a very part time job. Small steps to widen her world, give her a little bit of self confidence.

We want to be this, too. It is so heartening to know we aren't alone.
The first thing, I suppose, is to get a driving licence - then she will be able to drive herself to whatever course she ends up doing. The public transport where we are is useless.

My dd with autism wants to work in Hobbycraft 😊. I see no reason why she couldn't. She's going to do art & design and business BTECS.

I was also going to suggest a social care apprenticeship. I think you need to try and help her forge a pathway before you go forward with your plan.
My grandma lives on one the warden assisted blocks. There is a very nice lady who lives alone on-site that keeps an eye on her and the others and does a few things to help them- seems like something that could work for DD?

This is a good idea she could maybe get a social care apprenticeship and work at a care home and get her qualifications this might count as still in education.

Id look at whether she can get an ehcp which woukd last till shecwas 25 and woukd open up some smaller places to study level 2 /3 qualifications. There are small land based colleges if she is interested in that kind if thing and some have residential blocks for her to practice livingbaway from home at 18 or older.

Remember the human brain keeps developing until 25 so who knows how she will be then.

Its fine for her to live with you, but you do need a what happens when we are dead plan.

I'd agree, look at social care or working in a nursery.

Honestly I would push for a job, or college and work hard over next few years to increase her life skills. Without a lifelong comfortable income she is going to be left in the shit with the current plan.
I know a DD like this but no diagnosis that I know of. Still at home aged 30. Working a 12 hour contract with OT as necessary. She lives very much like a teenager. If you didn't know her age you would think she was 15. Not sure what the plan is when her parents are no longer around. She spends her wages on online gaming. She has no knowledge of bill paying, the house would have to be sold and split between the siblings( brother currently a guest of His Majesty so no guarantees of siblings looking out for her) Its an ex council house so not hugely profitable to then be able to buy even if she had the ability to manage. Lovely girl just not a functioning adult.

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I'm an SEN teacher and we have children with us to 19 and then beyond that they have the option of going on to our partner college with the option of living in with us.

We focus on independent living skills and each child has their IEP, tailored to their own needs and interests.

Personally I would push for something like this because one day, as sad as it seems thinking ahead so far, she will have to be able to manage without you and I've worked with adults who have spent their life at home and have really really struggled when crunch time has come and they've had to leave home because parents either aren't up to the physical aspect of them being there or, worst still, aren't around at all for them to be there.

Poor girl, she's 16 and you've said she will amount to nothing. Diagnosis or not, few people actively want to leave home at 16. This doesn't mean they never become functioning adults.

Get her some work experience in a care home, cafe or similar that she will hopefully excel at.

PPs who mention her brother becoming responsible have a very good point. There is no reason she can't work and eventually support herself. She's just on a longer pathway than your ds.

Do you have any local pubs or hotels? We had a small team of "pot wash" staff on roll at the hotel I worked in, and all came to us via local provision for young adults with additional needs.

As they spent more time in and around the kitchens, they then took on extra prep jobs, bit of light cooking etc. Nvqs etc were then ran paid for by the hotel for the staff to progress if they wanted.

@titchy I know - it really does feel like we're giving up on her.
I'm thinking let's get her driving the second she can and then she can travel to places. She'd like to drive as it would be just her in her own space.
The introversion is spectacular, though - imagine a young adult rocking from side to side, avoiding eye contact, and answering, "I don't know" to any open question that demands a response based on emotional engagement. That's what we're dealing with.

I feel you may be doing her an injustice if you did (but for valid reasons). I have a young adult with asd diagnosis and medical problems to boot. He scraped a handful of gcses and would have quite happily stayed home. We decided to try the local college at level 2 and it was the making of him. We knew it may fail (and at times he nearly did) but not trying wasn't in his long term best interest. He went on to scrape a level 3 in the subject and now has a job in this sector (the routine of it all has really helped). Yes he's needed extra support to get there, he may always need to live with me/be supported in some way but I felt I had to give him a chance and for us it worked and he's a different person than he was in year 11 (when just getting him to the college open day was horrendous). He didn't make one friend at college, he had lots of wobbles and I had to advocate lots but was it worth it? Without a doubt yes. It was a hard two years for all of us but it was the right thing to do.
I also got him set up volunteering and they actually gave him a small payed job (4 hours) for the summer before going to college which also helped.

There are lots of careers that might suit her temperament and although I think it's fine for her to live with you forever, as parents part of your role is to support her into independence if possible.

Would working in a plant nursery or as a coder or working in a remote customer support role where there is no direct contact, social media content creator (for others) suit (just throwing suggestions out there)?

Life is really long if you are lucky and she might end up being your live-in carer which might suit you all, but her never to have worked outside the home when she has coped somewhat with school would be a shame not to try and explore her passions.