AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

How is she going to be financially independent?

she can’t always rely on you, as you won’t always be there

Oh, also, check for any bakeries or similar running any programmes for you g adults with SEN.

In Newcastle (for example), there is a bakery which employs staff with additional needs, and does loads of training and development.

Poor girl, she's 16 and you've said she will amount to nothing. Diagnosis or not, few people actively want to leave home at 16. This doesn't mean they never become functioning adults.

Nasty. She's not a "poor girl" at all. She has caring parents who are thinking of her long term future. You're the only one who has perceived hear concerns as being around "amounting to nothing" 🙄

There should be options available. When OH was at Uni hevwofkrd for the holidays in a market garden/garden centre, they had some workers who would struggle elsewhere but they worked away in had green houses and seed beds where they weren't pushed to work with people but were still productive.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz That sounds brilliant - but we are rural and she is averse to noise. Something like that, though, sounds perfect.

She could do life skills type courses at college or animal care.

I work in care homes and I seem to attract the ones like your daughter-possibly due to my AS. The right environment people can flourish either providing care, in the laundry or kitchen, however some care homes are totally cliquey and nasty and can make a person become more isolated (I have worked in a few of those).

Please don't write her off at age 16 as unable to achieve. Me and my brother have autism (he is male so it is more obvious).

My brother works in CAB in a paid position, and I work in the local Council. Both degree educated (distance learning / OU) but both can and do work.

My DDs are both autistic too, age 12 and 14. I fully expect them to work.

You say she'll like driving?
Why not work as a driver?

I totally agree with this. My younger brother held a couple of jobs and couldn’t cope and hasn’t worked in over 10 years (he’s early 30’s) he lives with his partner (who does work but earns very low wage they can’t afford to live on alone) but basically does nothing, doesn’t leave the house and spends all day on the internet. He has basically been coddled by our parents all his life they give him money all the time and enable him. While I realise this may be slightly different to your daughter me and my other brother are resentful but also dreading when our parents pass, then what? Will we be expected to provide for him?

I’d encourage easing your daughter into something gently, and to keep her hand in education/volunteering/work however you can. What about something like dog walking? It is solitary but spending time with animals in the fresh air could be enjoyable. I just think, from personal experience, once you go down this path, the longer you do it the harder it is to get out of it and you need to think about your other child too in all this.

@Thefutureisorangey yes you're right it's good to not be alone .. perhaps we can keep a thread going with ideas for all our DCs. I know it's a worry especially as none of us are getting any younger but with this level of thought, planning and support, your DC will have the best start to move into young adulthood .. and if they do it from our homes they do it slowly with our guidance. It's hard for you because you're doing it right :-)

She'd love that. She likes to cook.
Something that is emerging is that we need to (when retirement comes) downsize to a more vibrant area with decent transport links. Where we are now offers nothing for her - except the solitude that she craves but which will keep her world so small.
Thank you all for your comments - they are hugely appreciated x

@doubleshotcappuccino Thank you so much for this. x

Don't give up OP. There will be plenty that she can do. It's perfectly reasonable to want a job where she is told what to do and does it. There are lots of those types of jobs out there.
In Australia we have Mable which is a platform where non qualified (and qualified) carers sign up to care for older or disabled people. No qualifications or prior experience is needed to join. This often includes sitting with the older person, playing games, going for a walk and making a simple meal. Many older people are looking for a safe, kind person who genuinely enjoys spending time with them. this type of role could be perfect for your DD if she got to know them and help them for a few years. Do you have any platform like this?

I would strongly suggest that you make an appointment with a carers counsellor at her school or a possible college and be clear about the type of work there you're looking for in the future. They should help all students plan for what's next and be very supportive about the possibilities. If that doesn't work then there are disability employment agencies who might be able to suggest the types of work there other young people with similar personalities to your DD have enjoyed. Try and get her excited about a job while helping her feel that she can do it and it won't be overwhelming. Meanwhile, it sounds like your DD will be living with you for a longtime. This will be vastly more achievable if she's earning money and can afford to purchase basics, get transport and go out for a coffee when desired. Don't assume that she'll live with you forever based on her choices now. She's young, overwhelmed and hasn't tried anything more than home or school right now. She might meet a few other people that she forms a connection with and move in, or choose to live with a sibling or perhaps rent somewhere small just up the road from you with help. Her whole future is ahead and I'd you can support her then she can do so much. Good luck.

@LondonWolf The OP is phrased the scenario like she expects her dd to not to amount to anything. Passively allowing her to stay at home in to older age. Sorry if my phrasing has upset you but nothing the OP says means the DD can't get a job/college place somewhere and eventually live alone.

(I'm possibly over sensitive to having a dependent adult situation).

She sounds lovely OP but I agree with the PP that said her world is very small. Home is her security blanket and it’s scary to go outside of your comfort zone sometimes, even if you are NT. However, I don’t think she should be encouraged to believe that she can live at home with you forever. It’s not practical or sustainable in the long term and she needs to be gently (but firmly) pushed in the right direction in to eventual independence.

I think this would be brilliant. I feel very isolated sometimes as am a single parent. Would be great to be able to share ideas and resources with others who have these brilliant kids who need a bit more help to settle into what is expected of them in adulthood.

You're both so right, and we absolutely don't want this for DS. He has been told in no uncertain terms that his life is his own and he should never feel duty-bound to care for DD. He is very, very distant anyway so I don't think there are any feelings of duty there!
It might be something we will have to consider in our will, though, for whatever paltry sum we are able to leave.

One of my friends from school has learning difficulties and works in the supermarket clearing up trollies and absolutely loves it. Would that be something that dd could do to get her confidence up? Does she like animals? She could do dog walking for locals.

It didn't upset me as such, rather you calling her a poor girl as though the OP is victimising her child in some way. The very starting of this thread shows that OP is trying to help forge a path for her child who she clearly knows very well. My own 16 year old has never left the house unaccompanied, she's never taken a bus alone, or even gone to the shop down the road alone. I'm not writing her off to say that I have to consider that she's unlikely to ever live alone, when she can't even walk home from school alone as a teenager.

I work in this field. Does she have an EHCP?
If she does, she should have had a review for preparing for adulthood.

Check out the 'local offer' on your local authority's website. They will have details of any small alternative provision. There should be a small/friendly/ vocational option for her.

I coordinate this for a local authority. Ease feel free to message me x

Take out an enormous life insurance policy I pay £150 a month in life insurance but I can absolutely guarantee my children will be able to buy a property out right without needing to sell whatever it is I own at the time from the proceeds of the life insurance.

You're right - that was my phrasing, and it was a genuine AIBU. I can understand @LondonWolf 's response. I think I am being unreasonable to consider allowing DD her dream of living with us forever. My mistake was perhaps to equate that in my OP with not having a job - she absolutely needs to have something as I'm not having that!
But oh my goodness, minimum wage is not going to get her onto any housing ladder...

@Hercisback Do you mind if I ask what your dependent adult does during the day? Do they have a place to go?

What kind of interests does she have OP?

At some point she will have to make a decision , either to find suitable work or try to claim some form of disability allowance. She needs to understand that if she ends up with no NI payments in her name she will be virtually destitute when you and your OH die because the proceeds of a small house are not going to support her independently.

I have a friend who is facing much the same dilemma as this, her “child” is forty, undiagnosed ASD, not working, not claiming so no NI history, living frugally at home on a tiny and fast diminishing inheritance , but not really understanding how they are heavily subsidised by my friend who is themselves on a small pension. Friend is frantic about what the future holds, has already downsized so has realised as much capital as they can, but it won’t be enough for both possible care needs for friend and future living expenses for adult “child”.