AIBU to consider a future with DD staying at home?

[Thefutureisorangey]

Family consists of me, DH, DS (19, at university) and DD (16, in yr 11). We are starting to think about retirement but can't afford it without downsizing significantly. There is no other family.
DD is lovely, sweet, honest and vulnerable. Many diagnoses, including ASD, but not helpless - she just doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise of the world. We think she might scrape some grade 4s in her GCSEs. A levels wouldn't be academically appropriate, and our local colleges, though great and providing a brilliant provision, are rowdy and bustling.
So here is my AIBU. DD is showing no signs of ever wanting to fly the nest. She has explained this. We have tried to broaden her horizons but she is so introverted that even holidays now, if we could afford them, would be problematic. She wants to live with us "forever."
Has anybody got experience of this? In just a few months the school is going to want to know where her "destination" will be. Apprenticeships are crazily competitive, level 3 qualifications will be almost certainly too difficult for her, the level 2 qualifications that she's interested in are all very male-centred roles that she has recoiled from when she's actually experienced the environment, and I'm not sure what to do with her!
If we allow her to just stay at home, cleaning, cooking, volunteering for local old folk (which will very soon be us!), is that even an allowed thing?

Our local garden centre, with attached coffee shop is run by The Shaw Trust, a charity that works with people with a range of disabilities inc. autism.
Perhsps it’s worth a call to somewhere like this to see if they can offer any suggestions /work for your DD

www.shawtrust.org.uk/about-us/

My grandson AsD has matured from 16 to now 19, give her time.He has had to change college where he studied animal care because the whole family were made homeless and moved 200 miles away from the only place he grew up.in.Now living in a 2 bed hostel with his 3 siblings and parents.He coped so well,now in a new college with lots of help and still trying to obtain 2 Gcse but looking unlikely.He is now dog walking and going into the town alone which he never did before in a rough area,So things can change.Does she receive PIP?I doubt our grandson will live alone for many years to come but who knows.I would move to a small town where there are places to visit that are safe and opportunities for part time work.Is she interested in plants and nature there are courses where you work in small quiet groups also the animal care is small groups.Good luck

A friend of a friend is 42 and has never left home, been in a relationship or lived independently. She doesn't have any diagnoses AFAIK, but is certainly a home body.

I think it's fine if everyone's happy with the situation, but I do wonder if this woman is missing out on things by her parents not having pushed her.

I did not want to leave home at 18 and had an awful time at university as a result. But I finally came to grips with it and am glad that I was "forced out" of the nest.

I’m the parent of a young autistic child. He is in mainstream school but with a lot of support. I think it’s almost impossible for him to leave home at 18 but I hope, in time he will get a measure of independence. There is evidence that autistic people continue learning at a faster rate than their neurotypical counterparts well into their 30s. Just because she isn’t ready now, doesn’t mean she won’t ever. We are thinking about what careers might work and how we can gradually prepare for that.

You aren’t alone OP!

Both my sister and I are ND. My sister went to a business school and has worked as a secretary for the government for 40 years. She bought a home and lives independently. She'll be retiring in a few years. The job worked as it is very stable and has a lot of routine.

I'm a director of a tech company. I found working in a male dominated environment works well for me with how I am. Since your DD presents as male, something like that may be a good fit. Quietness, quirkiness, etc. is more tolerated.

I would say not to give up on her. She's only 16. It may take her longer to launch but she's likely very capable. Are you or your DH risk adverse?

I think a life skills course would be great. Also, therapy for her would be very helpful. With the right help, she could be thriving on her own.

If DD has an EHCP and there isn’t a suitable school, mainstream or special, DD can have EOTAS. An EHCP can also include preparation for adulthood provision and therapies such as OT, SALT and MH therapies

A few things to think about:

What does your dd enjoy? What interests her? Does she have any social connections or relationships outside of the home which have meaning for her?

Would she be eligible for an EHCP?

You seem to have judged your local colleges as unsuitable? Have you actually approached them? Discussed dd’s support needs and what they might offer? My local college offers a variety of Level 1 courses that I think your dd would be academically able to engage with whilst also navigating a different environment. Bear in mind that a number of these courses eg Life Skills, Preparing for Adulthood, will have other young people with learning and communication needs so the peer group will be different to a mainstream secondary school and the tutors will have experience of this group too.

Would either you or your DH or another close family member be able to support her in a voluntary role by volunteering alongside her? Eg at a charity shop, stables, animal rescue? To nudge her towards a workplace environment whilst still having a safe person with her?

If anxiety is a significant issue for her is she accessing all of the support that she can from a medical/psychological perspective?

She may well need to live with you into adulthood but I think you need to plan for independence by 25. This is likely to mean some paid employment with benefits due to her disability. Is she currently claiming PIP and any other benefits she may be entitled to?

If she has an ehcp, then she is legally entitled to further education until she is 25. Colleges are legally required to support special needs, but you could also access sixth form at special needs schools. Some have great provision concentrating on life skills, and the students gain work experience in their own cafes, garden centres etc. Its worth checking these out.

Hmm, this is tricky.
I have a friend (of sorts) who grew up in a refugee family. The parents spoke poor English, but did try. They were very religious. Friend has a sibling who has severe mental health and learning difficulties and sibling was put into institutional care from age 15. Friend cared for both parents until their deaths (2005 & 2018).
Friend struggles massively socially and has anxiety, depression and mild learning difficulties. Possible ADD or ASD, pending diagnosis.
Although friend works, it is in a role they find difficult. They don't have lots of autonomy, but that suits them. They just struggle with timekeeping and routine. They haven't had a romantic relationship in decades. They struggle with managing everything, but when they focus, are extremely able to pinpoint expenditure, and manage things to a fine degree financially.
Right now they still live in the family home.

They don't live near me. Their contact with friends is sporadic, and communication in general disjointed. From what I understand their parents were very strict with discipline, so beating/shutting in rooms, etc. were par for the course of their upbringing. They had to attend place of worship week in week out. House was never brought up to date. They still maintain weekly worship, and don't earn enough to keep the house properly maintained, but refuse to sell up and move out.

I don't know what the answer is, but it seems like a fairly miserable existence and one which they seem unable to improve for themselves.

If it is at all possible to help your DD with social skills and independence, then I think this would be beneficial. Certainly, your future plans can include her living with you but will she be able to physically and mentally take care of you and DH if need be?

Could your dd start a little business and become self employed, perhaps building up her hours as she gains confidence?

Pet sitting, walking dogs, jewellery, etc. All small enterprises that might help with independence.

A friend of mine does this. Works p/t in a cafe and lives with their parents. She has no desire to leave home. I do worry about how she’ll cope once her parents die, saying that she isn’t introverted and meets people and has friends. She’s happy enough and enjoys her job.

However her parents are also quite well off, she’s not going to be struggling financially even after they’ve gone I shouldn’t have thought. And I think that’s what you need to consider. She may well need pushing into something. My Dd is now at uni but has a p/t cafe job which she started when she was 18yo. Her confidence has come on in leaps and bounds.

Your Dd doesn’t have to be academically bright or go to uni but she might need pushing out her comfort zone to do something after GCSEs. Something which could potentially give her some sort of independence or future if she chooses. I know hairdressing is a cliché but there’s an example of a career where if you do well you could end up owning your own salon. You say there were some trades she was interested in, again does she just need nudging to do something like that? Or think really outside the box, what jobs could she do which don’t require academic qualifications and maybe are jobs you do more on your own but potential to earn a good wage? Chimney sweep, equine dentist, tree surgeon.

I don't know where you are OP so this probably isn't the right location but I thought it might give you an idea of the things that are available. eatthatfrog.ac.uk/courses-and-services/

I have a friend whose daughter did a year on one of their courses, did loads of interesting stuff including Prince's Trust and is now working as a waitress. Did wonders for her self confidence.

I hope you find something suitable.

@Daleksatemyshed I’m so sorry, how tragic. My parents have always said if my brothers partner died they think he’ll likely do the same. It’s awful, it truly is to watch the place he’s in and there just seems to be nothing I can do. He is enabled to a large extent as well which doesn’t make it any easier.

Oh and another friend her ds scraped few gcse, didn’t pass maths or English. Went to college, couldn’t get onto level 3 initially so did level 2 alongside functional maths and English. Then I think did level 3. Some sort of engineering course. Then got an apprenticeship and is really excelling. Off the apprentice scheme now and has been taken on properly by the company, gaining all sorts of technical qualifications. Some people only find their stride after school. It’s far too early t write her off for a life of housework.

Is she interested in games/computers? My OH works in the games industry and says it’s basically full of socially awkward and introverted people, many of whom are on the spectrum. Of course you still need to work with people to a degree but depending on the area a lot of it is working independently I.e coding etc. It can also be very well paid

She sounds like she has the skills and interest to be a career so maybe encourage her in this direction.

See if your local county council run any apprenticeship schemes? They are often pretty understanding employers.

YABU to write her off so early......maturity wise your dd will be a few years behind. Right now she's probably scraping in at around an 11 /12 Yr olds level. She will need longer to catch up.with her peers and she'll may never go on to set the world on fire and do amazing things but that's OK. There's no reason she can't go on to work and find fulfillment, even if it takes her a little longer. A life at home will be doing her no favours in the long term. She sounds a lot more capable than that.

Echoing various PP - you need to get her talking to your school's/local careers service. And your school's SENDCO/Heads of Year etc. As you have seen from this thread, your DD is not the only 16 year old like this. And they will know what local opportunities (college/training etc) maybe appropriate.

My kids are young and don't have autism but we live in London and with how expensive house prices are, I expect they will be living with us for some time to come.
In terms of your DD. Agree with the other posters in that there are support groups and schemes who can help with employment. It will help her confidence and independence x

It sounds like you are giving up on her; she is only 16; you should try to get her as independent as possible; she may find something she likes doing. Lots of companies pride themselves for being diverse and inclusive these days. It may take her longer but it doesn’t necessarily mean she will be with you until she is 40

Could she manage a job in caring, a nursing home maybe or looking after adults in a care in the community type setting?
At least she could do an NVQ type qualification in those roles.
It might build her confidence and in a nursing home there will be structure to her day and not the young person rowdiness of a college setting

Is there anything like this near you?
www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/cafe-autisan

She can’t rely on you forever because she will outlive you. You owe it to her to continue developing her independence, both financially and in terms of running her own home.

Yes you should absolutely encourage her to find work that suits when the time comes... you can't leave her to be unable to care for herself financially, because it's easier to let her be introspective at home.
Within my small market town there are a few places she could work and I wonder if you have similar? Firstly JLPartnership / Waitrose employ people with additional needs if you have one nearby. My husband works for Waitrose and tells me there are a handful within his small store. Also there is a social enterprise / CIC shop that employs people with Downs Syndrome, and other additional needs, is there a shop like this? And finally, there is a Social Hub that has work and volunteering opportunities for all sorts of people within the community including driving the local minibus / caring / manning the hub charity shop / working at the Dementia Cafe and lunch for the elderly. Hope this gives you some ideas.